About Lugnut -- Patrick Malone


Many of us have come to know Patrick Malone (Lugnut) as a friendly, helpful, knowledgeable and kind individual. He is a frequent and enthusiastic contributor to our analog discussion forum. He has initiated only 17 threads, but responded to 559 threads. I would guess that many, if not most, of us can recall a time when Pat replied with helpful advice to a question we posted or helped us track down a rare recording. I have come to love Pat as a friend, and to respect him as a man, and I suspect many of you share those feelings.

Today I write to share difficult news with you. Pat has been diagnosed with an aggressive stomach cancer. It has yet to be determined whether surgery will even be worth it. If surgery is performed, most or all of the stomach will be removed, and Pat would face a difficult and long post-op period in the hospital. The medical course is still uncertain, but will be determined soon. Whatever is decided, it will not be easy or pleasant.

Something may be planned in the future to assist the family. For now, Pat could use some of the friendship he so often and willingly showed us. You can email Pat at: lugnut50@msn.com. You can also mail cards, letters ... or whatever. You may email me for Pat's mailing address. My email is: pfrumkin1@comcast.net.

I hope to spend a few days with Pat in Idaho or Nebraska (from which he hails) soon. Between this news, my legal work, getting ready for family arriving for the holidays, Audio Intelligent, and trying to make plans to visit Pat, my head is spinning. If you email me and I don't respond, please understand that I am not ignoring you, but rather simply do not have time to reply.

Pat may or may not have time to respond to posts here, to emails, or to cards mailed to him. But he has asked me to convey to each and every one of you that he has cherished your friendship, your comradery, and sharing our common hobby on this great website.

As we prepare for our holiday season celebrations, and look forward to -- as we should -- enjoying this time of year, I ask that you keep Pat and his family in mind ... and softly offer up, in quiet moments in the still of night and early morning, prayers for Pat and his family. God bless.

Warmest regards to all,
Paul Frumkin
paul_frumkin
Pat- I hope you are resting comfortably and enjoying some quiet time with your wife. Your love for each other shines through this most impersonal of media.

Barb- I sincerely hope that someone is taking as good care of you as you are of Pat.

I think about you both often. Best wishes and much love.
11/6/05
Pat and Barb,
I have just finished skimming through these threads or this thread (I'm not totally familiar with the jargon yet, though it should be easier than Jim Rome in the jungle), and I can hardly believe my eyes. Pat, when you told me that there was a "book" here, I could in no way possibly conceive of what you meant!And not knowing you except for our few exchanges of sincere love for the Lord, I felt priveliged that you accepted my solicitation to come visit yesterday. I knew right away after talking with Barb that there was a definite reason that prompted me to call you after simply seeing your card in my daytimer. I had no knowledge previously that you were under attack. But when I left you and Barb and Amanda (light of my life) yesterday I felt that i had just become a true member of a new family that seemed as though i had been a member of forever.
Through your and Barb's hardship of having to deal with the enemy, i feel as though i am being strengthened for the road ahead; God has a way of doing that! And i just want to take the time to praise God for bringing us together for however much time we have left here on earth (though i know that we'll be together again at the Big Banquet in our Abba's, Father's, Brother's, Friend's mansion, whenever that may be). I hope to see you again tomorrow; i would love to write your book. i would like to contact all of these other audiophools who have come to know and love you! And as a result of reading some of their threads in this ongoing dialogue, i would like to get to know them better as well. So what do i have to do to join the rest of your family? i would love to become a member, if for no other reason than to be joined with people of a "nondenominational" like heart such as theirs (it does seem to be one heart).
And what can I say about your wife!? What a warm, caring, and strong individual she must be! We shared some tears at the door when i was leaving but praise God; the apple doesn't fall far from the tree (though I'm not sure which one of you is which).
Until tomorrow,
jake
I'm with JD, I check this thread several times throughout the day for any news about our favorite Lugnut. We pray for you everyday.
Pat and Barb,
A subset of the BAA in the SF Bay Area got together yesterday and reminisced about your visit here a few months ago. I'm am so glad you made the effort to come.

We spun a few flat ones in your honor.
Thank you Barb, I check this thread three or four times a day to see how Pat is doing. I'm happy you have another day together. Pat, I hope your comfortable, I know I would love the morphine. Every time I go into the hospital I get morphine, good stuff! It's too bad we need to be so sick, it would be a great high!

Rest well my friend.
Pat,

Sorry to hear you're so tired, perhaps the slushies will help. I miss your words here every day but I don't miss your voice - because that will always be here.

Yesterday we took Paul's mom and cousin (visiting from England) to visit Northhamton MA, a beautiful New England town with a thriving art and music community. (And several vinyl shops, woo-hoo!) There must have been a rally nearby because the streets were growling with Harley Davidsons. We couldn't always hear each other talk, but in those moments I just thought of you. (Roarin' like a Lugnut should!)

Barb,

You're doing a wonderful thing by continuing to post. I know it's good for Pat and good for us. I hope and believe it's good for you too. Your voice is one we've come to enjoy hearing. There are two of you going through this, and you both matter to us.

Thank you both for sharing these precious moments. We are here for you. If there is anything we can do, ...

Doug and Paul
Barb, thank you once again for the update. Pat, Barb, you and your families remain foremost in my thoughts and prayers. As I sit here on this beautiful autumn afternoon, listening to some wonderful vinyl, your post has given me the motivation to shut down the music, and talk a nice long walk on this wonderful day. Be sure that you all will be in my thoughts as I go. Counting my blessings, and enjoying each and every moment.
Pat, God's speed be with you my brother, and may the he bring Barb some comfort in her hour of need.

Cheers your friend,
John
Good Sunday morning everyone - Pat and I are enjoying pepsi and root beer slushies while we sit quietly together. Today he has stated that he will not be able to talk to visitors. He no longer has the energy for the one thing that he loves so much. The last two days he has been saying "so long" to everyone that he can. Yesterday he received the gift of a smoothing massage. He rested a little better last night - more laying down and less sitting up. Our daughter is now leaving for the airport to pick up family members. Please remember to look up and say thank you. Reporting from Pat's computer. Barb
Pat,

I've not posted to this thread before but have followed it closely since its beginning. You are an amazing man, and I am in awe of how you have handled such a difficult ordeal with grace, candor and bravery. To watch these "audiophools" gather round and support you has also been an inspiration....

I just want you to know that because of this thread, I was able to locate a friend who I had lost contact with many years ago. Not intentionally, but I allowed life to get in the way. It took a while to connect the dots and realize that this individual was the same person I knew in the late '70s through a local high-end audio store in the Dallas area. I'll be seeing albertporter this next Tuesday evening for the first time in 25 years. Without this thread, I may not have ever connected the dots...

Pat, as many have said, you truly are an inspiration. From the way you live your life to the way you have embraced this particular passage, you remind us that each day is to be lived to the fullest and every possible moment cherished. I thank you for this brilliant example. Barb is a wonderful woman and has also shown each of us how to be there for another individual...during good times as well as challenging ones. Although you and I will never meet in the here and now, Pat, I know I will meet you once I pass through those Heavenly gates. In the meantime, I'll keep looking up. Prayers continue...
A long time ago, you wrote that it was time to admit that you are part dog. You mentioned fleas, but my dog never gave me fleas. Only my friend's brother home from Africa and the Peace Corps (remember them?). So I lived for months with these monster African fleas. Thank God they never rose above my ankles, which I do not understand because I rarely sleep standing, wittnesses to the contrary.

And you mentioned dog toys. My dog has never acknowledged a toy. Her pal comes over and I am forced (via special dog guilt) to throw his ball (brings his own) and sticks until he colapses for a minute or so. And she just looks at him as if " You big dumb galoot. " And when I give up she pokes him with her nose, which he does not at all get. But she has no notion of toy.

And if her water dish is empty she tips it upside down with her paw. Failing that, she noses it noisily untill you catch on.

But music! Now that is another matter! Because I live on a terrible slope (in several respects), I have four flights of stairs. The room with my stereo is on the bottom. My dog prefers the sunny top. I need only depress the power button and you hear the clatter of nails as she bounds across the wooden floor, crashing into the wall because she cannot turn the corner when running on wood, correcting course to the stairs and at my feet before you can say Sergei Vassilievich Rachmaninov. She yips and runs in circles until I put on the record. Soon as the tip hits the vinyl, she settles down exactly between the speakers. After four years, I got her another bed, so she echoes my couch. When the inner loop is reached, she is up and resumes yipping. The VPI 17F makes her howl, though.

My daughter was just home from college, and was looking at the dog bounce the cabinet door with her nose repeatedly. She said, "Dad, have you not been playing records lately?" Well, my turntable was out getting a new arm. So she said, "Come girl" and went into her room to play her set. She has an old decal of Nipper across the back of a wooden chair, about the size of a dinner plate.

So it seems that as you claim to be part dog, I claim my dog is part you. You ended by questioning your bravery. Acceptance is bravery. Dogs know this. Not the acceptance of bad government or other ill treatment. Not surrender or fatalism, but acceptance that you have bravely allowed us to see at great length in great detail. You help me through my trials. You will never know how many you turn from cowardice as the alternative to acceptance.

And the redoubtable Frumkin ain't no slouch neither. This frayed thread goes back to your page 2.
My lucky day as well, as I spoke with Barb & Pat this morning. What a gift! Thank you both, and please give our best to your daughter, Amanda.

Howard & Gina
Hi Pat and Barb

Its warm up in here in Calgary. No rain and I'm listening to some tunes with the dog and kids restig. Hope things are going well today. You know to give a shout if problems. Take care

Gary
A wonderful Indian summer day here in southern New England. Sunny, warm (70) when it usually is 50 and cloudy, often with rain. Just checking in, Pat and Barb to let you know I am thinking of you. Best wishes, of course.
Hello Pat, it's good to be thinking of you and yours. It's a beautiful day. Glad you're here to share it.
Thank you Barb for taking time to speak with me on the phone and special thanks to Pat for struggling to reach the phone and give me the soft, attentive "Well hello Albert" I longed to hear.

His voice was so soft and frail it brought me to tears, as I've said many times before, I just feel worthless. I'm the kind of guy that is never afraid of any task before me, old school roll up my sleeves and DO IT.

Well, Pat puts me to shame, I can't do for him what I would like and he faces a situation that I cannot really grasp. He is lucky to have the love of Barb and his daughter and I can only dream of having Pat's strength, dignity, class and compassion when my time runs out.

Bless all you Audiogon guys and girls for showing the best side of humanity and love. It's our love of music that brings us together but it now is obvious there is also something deeper in hearts that bind us together. I am proud of Pat for showing us the way.
This must be my lucky day! I got to spend a minute on the phone with the Ol' Lugnut himself. He sounded chipper. The tube is letting him take in some fluids, and help to hydrate that parched body of his.

Friends and family are on their way to spend some time. I certainly hope everyone has a good time at Casa Malone for the next number of days.

Barb still brings Pat into the computer room so he can keep up with this thread, so if you have words of encouragement please keep them coming.

Thanks to those who shared their concern about my dad. I was touched by your kindness.

TWL, I certainly enjoyed the thought of a new and better home - thank you!
.
Barb,
.
It was good speaking with you last night, as always. I have been so moved with how you have cared for Pat and flowed through such a difficult time.
.
Your selflessness is rather stunning. Know that we will all still be here for you long into the future and please count on us for any way that we might be helpful.
.
Talk to you soon.
.
Love,
Larry
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TWL- Well said. And Warren- my wife gets frequent updates from me on Lugnut too. I think it's just natural- sharing something that moves you deeply with those you love.

God Speed Pat.
I seem to have been led to make this post of a bible verse, which brings hope to a difficult situation.

(John 14:2-3): "In My Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also."

I think we all hope to be there some day, even though the transition is so difficult. If we believe, there is not death, but everlasting life, in the place that was always intended for us from the beginning of time. I try to think of it, not as death, but as a new birth.
Anybody relate to this? My wife, whether walking into the kitchen in the 'morn, watching me hitting the keys, or maybe it be nighttime, just taking a gander at me staring at my laptop screen. Do you know what she, now, often asks? How's Lugnut? Blows my mind. I read her some of the newest posts. She is floored by the emotion, honesty, identification, cream rising to the top mentality, of a bunch of audiophools experiencing in real time the death of a friend on a website for audionuts. I revel in the spirit of what is happening here and may never experience anything like this again. We're apart of a wonderful thing guys. I'm proud to be amongst you audiophools. Pat, you're a power and I hope when my time comes, I take some of what I have learned from you with me. Remember to save me a listening chair. If it is not too much to ask; I prefer soft brown leather with a matching ottoman. I know it won't take you long to get well connected to the audiophools that are already up there. thanks buddy...peace my friend, warren
I'm very relieved to hear Pat didn't get 'stuck' in the hospital and is back at home. (You never know, when you go into that building at this stage of the game.) Man oh man!...That immediate situation - a burst of activity in semi-crisis mode merely confirming the simplest explanation ("...not much fluid left to drain") for something that couldn't have even been a 'problem' just days earlier - brings right back some of those typical recollections for me. I'm glad more family is arriving and hope they can share the burden a bit (of anything - keeping house, cooking, running errands, fielding phonecalls, even posting here) so you get yourself a little rest too Barb. Thanks for all the updates, we're with you in spirit every step of the way.
I am struck by something rather poignant. I very seldom post on this site anymore and it is largely due to this thread. The undaunted spirit of my fellow Irishman, Pat, has helped me to place the more important things of life in their proper perspective. Taking the time to savor the moment, counting blessings, and making sure that those with whose love I am blessed know that they are appreciated, appropriately takes more of my time these days. However, while giving Gregg Allman’s “Laid Back” a spin (a shared favorite), my thoughts inexorably turned toward Pat and the many things he has meant to and done for us all - I was so moved to visit this thread once again.

Barb and Pat, may your journey be smoothed by the gentle road of our thoughts for you and may G-d hold your love in His hand forever.
Barb,
Gina sure loved speaking with you on the phone the other night. And she can't wait to meet you.

You and Pat seem to make your way into many of our conversations. I miss you both already!

Howard
Pat ,Im so glad that you are recieving some comfort,rest,and plenty of love(and rootbeer)!All my love , prayers and thoughts are with you,Barb and you gene pool,Ray
Hi everyone - It is a rainy evening here and this day is about over. The nurse just left and the house is silent.
Pat is finally resting now after a couple of shots in the butt. He leaves his glasses on his nose though in case he decides to open his eyes and look at the TV (don't tell him but I turned it off!) I am warming up the tubes because tonight the music will play instead.

The x-rays showed that the gastric tube is fine. I believe that there is not much fluid left to drain. So until tomorrow - keep looking up. Reporting from Pat's computer.
Barb
Clearly these are hard days for us all. As I check for news four or five times a day, I realize we are all at a lose for words as we await Past's inevitable death. I have spent so much time with this topic in my life that I feel it might be my place to comment.

Barb, I know from my wife Julie how hard it is to wait for some new chapter of a sick spouse's life. Yours is harder in that you can not pray for health, but only comfort for Pat. My heart aches for you, and I know you are living an amazing experience. I can not however know how you actually feel, and so I feel sad in that I lack the words.

Pat, you continue to inspire. Your strength reminded me of a very dear friend who died many years ago from cancer, and he too was a source of amazement to me. The day before he died at home I was with him for a few hours. He continued to be upbeat and strong despite the pain associated with the cancer that had spread to his bones and digestive system. He had a license plate "Atit2d" or attitude. What a great example of faith he was, and yes you too have achieved his stature.

Your a great leader for us, and I pray for a quick end to this long journey you have walked. I have also learned Barb is a lot like Julie, both of these amazing women have a strength beyond words, and are the support you and I lean on.

I pray that you both receive an ease to your pain soon. This is so hard to me, I can not even imagine...

God speed my friend, I love you.

JD
Hi everyone - Yesterday was a very restful day. Our daughter and I had some nice quiet time with Pat. But by evening the stomach tube was not draining and causing more discomfort. So we are leaving for the hospital soon to have x-rays taken. We have other family members that will be arriving soon. So until later - keep looking up. Barb
I need to say something - my heart is crying out to - even if my mind can't figure out the right words.

I am so grateful to have experienced your great love and goodness, Pat and Barb, though I am 1500 miles away and will never see you in person in this life. I so wish I were closer to you, so I could reach out a hand to be of greater practical help. Thank you again to those from this community who have done so in the stead of those who cannot.

May peace rest upon you, and comfort come in the midst of the unavoidable grief. May you feel the prayers of other lifting you up. You have been in my earnest prayers and will continue to be.
Nrchy,

Hope your dad gets better soon. Many of us are anxious about the prospect of becoming the family patriarch. Hope your time isn't near.

Barb: sounds like as good a news as can be expected in this time.

Howard
Talked to Barb last night, she said Pat was resting better, and able to sleep for more than one hour at a time. The hospital bed and the tube which drains his stomach prevents the vomitting that has been so regular.

He was even drinking a Rootbeer while I was on the phone!!! That is a lot of progress compared to the water which was the only thing he had been able to ingest.

Good news for Pat, but last night my father went into the hospital, so I guess it all balances out.
Hey Pat take a sad song and make it better; remember, to let us in to your heart, then you can start to make us better; dont be afraid you were made for this...
arb, tell Pat that a friend of mine and I loaded a bowl last night in his honor(no not that knid). I am talking here of the sacred Pipe of the native peoples. Prayers were said, and my friend was moved that someone could share something as serious as death with others he supposedly does not know(he's a neo-luddite :)-~ ). We love you Man. Peace, Derek.
Barb, thanks for the good news. Honestly when I saw the Lugnut moniker listed as the last person to respond I was a little worried about what I might see. I'm glad the bed and tube are working, and it seems as if the new meds are less hard on Pat's body.

Thank you too, for taking on another, and difficult job, of keeping us informed of what's taking place with our friend.

The prayers continue, as does the love...
Please look up and say thanks. Pat is now resting comfortably and sleeping more than hour at a time. His stomach is being drained through a tube in his nose but he is still determined to stand up to take a leak. We will cherish this day and enjoy our many friends that stop by.
Until next time. Barb
Pat, as I commented to my uncle a couple months ago the day before he died from cancer.

I asked if he was still smoking. He told me in a frail voice, "Yes a little." I told him he needed to think about quiting those, because they could kill him. I left his house seeing a big grin on his face. A good way to remember him.

So Pat, you too need to quite those nasty things, "They could kill you." ;-)

I love you.
Barb, could you let Pat know about a dream I had last night, a dream that had him in it. Well in this dream my time on earth was apperently up and for some reason, I must have done some good things, I was entering the pearly gates. I was pretty calm, and a little proud of all of my accomplishments. The first person I saw was my best little Beagle "Chloe". The next person to show up, wouldn't you know it, was Lugnut. Recognized me right away though we have only met over the phone. He was driving a big red convertible car with big fins on the back. He was wearing that pilot hat on that we have seen here on Audiogon. He yelled to me to jump in, a concert was starting. Well I jumped in the car and wouldn't you know it, instead of a CD player in the dash old Lugnut grabed a 12" LP and slid it into a very narrow and wide slot in the dash board. He looked at me with a wide smile and said "took a little work but now, it's Heaven".
I woke up this morning with a big smile of my face and deep in my heart I know things will work out.
Pat, I look forward to our meeting. And the concert.
We did a cardiac case yesterday.Open heart surgery for coronary vesel bypass.It was a redo ie. the second time.First time was a few years ago.Patients coronary vessels were occluded again,so needed an operation again.High risk case since cardiac funtion low and very critical coronary disease.Intra and postop everything is going extremely well.

I remember as we pushed the patient into the ICU,in the corner of my eye, seeing the family ~ the wife ,son,daughter etc.Everybody looking concerned and relieved that he came out of the operating room well.

This morning his son drove back home from the hospital to a town far away from where the operation took place and had a serious car accident.He was killed on impact ....
I guess he was in his late twenties.His father was still unconcious on the ventilator after the op at the time of the accident.Up to this time he does not know his son is dead ................

Let us all embrace life and enjoy it too the full,every single moment of every single day !
Barb and Pat,
Next Wednesday will be the 10th anniversary of my wife's passing. Both of you are in my thoughts. I wish you peace.
Bill
Hi again everyone - Just a quick note about Pat. These last few days have been very challenging. The pain medication was changed last night which has helped with the side effects but he needs higher doses to help with the pain. We visited with a chaplan and social worker this morning. The nurse is on her way now and a hospital bed is arriving this afternoon. It won't be long now that Pat will lay down for the last time. And no doubt he just smoked this last cigarette but the kisses on the forehead are continuous.
Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts today. God blesses us all. Until next time audiogon friends. Love - Barb
Wow Howard...BTW, that reminds me that I never remembered to ask Pat what was the result of hooking up that external DAC, if he did. Anyway, I stand in awe of the guys like you (and Paul, and Doug); of the group that assembled with Pat at Albert's place; of the Audiogon member who sends Pat medicine; and I'm sure many others - including everyone that cultivated a telephone relationship with "ol' Lugnut" - who went the extra mile of personally reaching out past the self-protective distance of the Internet to make an acquaintance in the flesh or by voice, with all the attendant emotional risk that entails, when you knew it would be taken from you before long. It's people like you who're really the caring ones, the ones with guts and a commitment translated into action. You're all loving people and role models for this community.

And - as if we needed any further evidence of it other than the words he has written here - Pat demonstrated he is truly a Wise Man (which I'm sure he'd deny :-) when he opened his heart to the whole crazy lot of us, rather than confine himself to the private and familiar, as I'd guess many of us might be inclined to do if we ever found ourselves in a similar circumstance. I suppose that, with his example for inspiration and guidance, someday there could be another thread on Audiogon not unlike this one, but I could never imagine anyone else pulling it off as naturally well as Patrick has done. Just so there's no mistake about it, it hasn't been his disease or his situation; it's been him, as our leader and teacher, who has made real and made worthwhile this special gathering - a testament to his character and his influence, which, as so many have declared, will endure inside us all.
Alex, you've done more than you'll ever know to affect Pat's life. He couldn't stop talking about the CD player you sent to them, and how it ignited his interest in digital. We listened to it for a couple of hours on the day I arrived. You are such a caring person, and it really comes through here.

Nate, I don't know what to say. You are a bright light in my world.

With this incredibly powerful conversation, Pat and Barb have given us all the powerful gift of community and friendship. Out of the blue, I received an e-mail last night from an Audiogon member who has been very close to Pat through this ordeal. He just wanted to be sure that I was not too pained by what is happening. I was stunned by his concern. I believe that this gracious honoring of humanity is exactly what Pat had hoped to bring to this community. Clearly, he has succeeded.
Zaikes wrote "with time slipping away, and words seeming like but leaves blowing away on the winds of a changing season we cannot alter."

Wow! Those are incredible words!
It's Tuesday morning, and I'm just getting back to this thread after being away for a few days attending my first cousin's wedding in the bucolic upstate New York mountains. We had a weekend focused on fun and celebration, eating (and drinking, though not for me), being outdoors, making/enjoying music, and meeting friends and relatives both old and new - in a setting featuring warm sun, brisk clean air, brilliant autumn leaves, interesting rocks and trees, snow-covered peaks, star-blanketed night skies (nice to see once in a while that the Milky Way is still around us) and panoramic mountaintop vistas revealed after a slightly grueling but invigorating (so you didn't mind the mud and slush) hike up. I found myself lingering, after group photos atop an abrupt rock face peak overlooking miles of valleys and ridges below, to watch as individual brightly colored leaves would every so often break free of their tree moorings and sail off gently into the abyss, yet not falling but buoyed upward and outward on thermals ascending the cliffside, floating away gradually against the blue sky like a slow and solemn dance procession. But all the while privately I kept wanting to hurry back home and to my computer because I knew I was missing this thread at a critical time.

That, and also because of an email exchange Pat and I had last week. You see, a few months back, when I sent Pat an old CD changer I had cooling in a closet, I did so with the threat that I would regularly be making and sending him CD-R's of whatever music I felt inspired to give him - mostly just in case he ever tired of having to get up and down to flip records during his illness, but also as a form of communication of my regard for him. Well, you know what they say about where the road paved with good intentions leads...

Despite plenty of initial enthusiasm I found I quickly became rather bashful about the prospect of imposing unsolicited music upon a guy I didn't really know, who had a large collection I was unfamiliar with the contents of, and who probably could no longer be in possession of the unthinking sense (that I suspect most of us are guilty of, however incorrectly in reality) that he had all the time in the world left in which to listen. Simply put, I didn't want to waste Pat's valuable time and attention on anything not of his own choosing, or that he or Barb might not dig as much as me. I was relieved when I learned that some of Pat's local friends - who presumably know his tastes better than I could - loaned or gave him several CDs, and after only a couple of stabs at sending him stuff, I aborted the mission thinking discretion might be the better part of valor in this case.

After reading recently that Pat had just 30 or so CDs to play I asked him last week if there was anything in particular he wanted, and instead he encouraged me to go ahead and send him whatever I felt like. I really wanted to deep down, so I agreed with both excitment and some reluctance to compile just one CD-R. I decided on making a collection from a group, my favorite among currently active rock bands, that I don't believe he's heard before, and I hope no one finds this too strange or inappropriate but part of the reason was because I feel they've written some inspiring songs about affirmation of life within comtemplation of death (though it's incidental, for those who might wonder the band is The Flaming Lips).

However I couldn't quite finish putting together the CD-R before we had to leave town, and after reading, the evening prior to our going, that Pat couldn't keep food down anymore, while we were away I feared it would really be too late upon my return for completing and overnighting the disk to be anything more than a futile gesture - even on the outside chance he might have liked the music nearly as much as I do, which of course was never any certainty. So now, reading Pat's most recent posts above, I've decided - again - that at this juncture I shouldn't send it after all. I feel kind of foolish concerning myself like this about something as small as a CD (though I myself will listen to it and think of Pat after he's gone) when Howard, who writes so eloquently, has actually traveled to be with Pat, but it's emblematic to me of the essential powerlessness I'm sure frustrates us all in this situation - with time slipping away, and words seeming like but leaves blowing away on the winds of a changing season we cannot alter.
I talked to Pat this morning. He's been feeling poorly the last few days. The upside is, it may be due to an allergy to the pain meds. If they can get the right meds, and Pat can get comfortable and rest, he may feel much better.
Pat and Barb,

This is David from Ontario, Canada. I believe that you have made many people that have read this account of your pain and suffering and grace and love much better human beings. It has for me.
Thank you.