About Lugnut -- Patrick Malone

I sent an email to Pat after he shared a very insightful and love felt comment to me on another thread. I thanked him for sharing his love that had clearly come from his sole. I’m not going to go too deep into my impression of soles and God, but I am going to now publicly thank Pat for his love and honesty. He told me about this thread which I just now first read, now I understand this sole’s love and clarity.
I too have had to contemplate the meaning of life and my mortality. Not until one faces death do we truly understand the meaning of our lives. LOVE! That’s it.
I have now lived three years longer than the worst case scenario as was described after my heart attack and quadruple bi-pass eight years ago. I have gone to sleep with issues most forty year olds do not ever think of. “Is this my last night?” “Will I be alive tomorrow?” After eight years of these thoughts, my perspective is different than many. But not Lugnut. He understands, and he has been honest enough to share that.
I now am told I have less than one year, as my heart is now less than 20% efficient. We pray for a heart transplant when the time comes.
But that’s not even my point, my point is LOVE. When I had awoke from my surgery and discovered I had a near death experience and “saw the light” as referred to by many who have had near death experiences. From that time I have known I have more to do here on earth, for I was offered the choice to come back here, or stay home with God. I do not remember why I choose this path, but I do. I believe I’m here to share, love and help other soles who may be searching.
Again I do not want to steel the point of this thread, or sound like I am preaching for that is not at all my intent. My intent is to share my sole, and my love for an old Audiogon friend, and let you know what you already clearly know. It’s ok, and yes we can make a difference here on earth.
My purpose, as is yours, is to share, care and love. We are alive because we have something few can give the knowledge that our soles are all one, and the secret to life is LOVE, love yourself, and love every soul you meet, for to love another soul is to in-fact love yourself.
I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to write an as yet unpublished book to help share my experiences with all those who would listen. I never considered Audiogon as an outlet. but you have shone me every friend made is another soul who may learn.
Thank you Lugnut for your love and friendship.
J.D.

I need the help of anyone from Columbus to track down a guy who sold me a power cord here on Audiogon. He cashed my check over a month ago and now does not answer his phone (cell) or emails. If you can help me, please email me for details. I do not remember his Audiogon name or else I would be getting Audiogon to help, but they have not answered my email either.

PS Have fun with Albert! I’m jealous

Hey Lug, the lugster, lugaroma, luuggy-dugy-do,

I’ve always wanted a ghost town. Ever since driving through one as a kid I thought it would be so cool to just buy a whole ghost town leaving all the old facades but re-building the rooms behind the false fronts. Maybe you and I need to hang in one some day. (I mean after this life) We could have a lot of fun making it a true “Ghost Town”. I’m sure we could “scare up” some old friends who would hang with us. I can think of three friends who have died that would be up to it.
For now, I guess we should concentrate on our earthly obligations. Either way who ever goes first, let’s make a pack to meet.
Enjoy the time away from treatment. I can only imagine what a clear, drug free mind feels like; it’s been so long now.
Hey, just thought I’d stop in and say I love you man and keep up the great work!
J.D.

Sorry about the above post, I lost my intended message and somehow got this one.

Hi Pat,
I guess my message was swapped with a different thread or lost in cyber-space. Sorry about that.
I had responded with some extremely insightful and highly profound thoughts that I will attempt to recreate. I had two pearls of wisdom to extend to you. The first is regarding your doctor’s inability to give you clear vision as to your treatment. In my case the doctors have given up attempting to predict my future in that by every statistic available to science, I’m dead. The point is sometimes the doctors simply do not know how a treatment is going to react. I believe that attitude has more to do with your successful treatment than anything. My doctors have gone from year by year to quarter by quarter waiting for the other shoe to drop. The past three years have proven how well the treatments are working, and although they expect me to fail any day, I keep going. In your case your will is strong and you are beating this disease with your will to live every day to its fullest. I know God has great plans for you over the coming months, a portion of those plans have already been shown to you through this web site and your effects on so many of us. You are doing great work for God, and he is not about to loose such an important messenger. The fact that the Taxol is continuing to be effective shows us all how no outcome is inevitable, and how powerful an effect we have over our own bodies. Enjoy the ride, and maybe if all our prayers are answered you will beat this cancer like you did before.
As to the second point, I understand the exhaustion. If I have a day of exertion I too pay the next couple days. If I try to link three days of activity together I pay with a couple weeks. I used to try to believe I could overcome the tiredness and keep going, but for me it ends with congestive heart failure and that requires a full three months of recovery, if I do fully recover. I’ve learned over time what my limits are, but it’s hard to live with them. I get bored and feel sad and lonely. I know I must not over do, the payback is too severe. I believe the fatigue is your body telling you it can not fight the disease and over extend physically. It needs all the resources to fight the cancer and when you go too far you are depleting the reserve. Listen to your body and maybe slow down a bit.
I continue to believe you are going to go into some type of remission; therefore I believe you need to give your body the time it needs. I for one am not ready to let you go. I know God has more for you to do, and selfishly I still need you.
Go out and enjoy, in moderation. I know it’s hard for you. We both were extremely active guys, and a lot of the high we found every day was in physical experiences. It’s hard to change old behavior, but do your best.
I love you Pat and I will pray for strength for you during your trip to Albert’s. I’m so jealous, have a great time!
J.D.

Hi Pat,
I know you get tiered and it’s hard at times to go through all this. It’s no fun not being yourself because the drugs make you crazy, but believe me, your role in Barb’s life along with so many of your friends is huge! I have been seeing a psychologist since we last talked, and I’m beginning to remember how my life affects so many. I complain that living for the sake of others is too hard some times, and that l can’t live my life so unselfishly. Well I have done just that for the past eight years and I do have a lot of people who still need me.
As I have told you, I can not make it much over five hours without a nap, which is both due to my heart and the drugs. I hate it that I’m not me, yet my kids and wife would take this every day over being left alone. I know you get tired, and some days the fight is overwhelming, but we need you around. I personally can not tell you how much your emails have meant to me, you’re a gift that God has provided for me. Your role is great, and I love you. I was very depressed when I wrote you for your help, and that response gave me the strength I needed to make the changes I need to make. Thus the shrink! Keep the spirit as you go through this next treatment, we’re all pulling for you and selfishly I need you.
J.D.

Oh my Pat. I quickly read your comment to Ray without realy thinking. I saw "Back in early February when I got my first treatment I did get mine cut off before it fell out" and I was sure you said "before it fell off." I had no idea what you were talking about, but my mind was thinking something else. I was so releaved to see you were talking about you hair and that you and Barb could still enjoy sex. My God, I felt realy bad for you for a breif moment.
JD

Hi Pat,

I have been away from the site for a week or so, and had not read your post from the 28th. I wish I would have read it earlier, but now is better than never.

I full understand your feelings on this one. Letting go of the control over your life is hard, but believe me, you never had it. God never actually gave you the wheel of the car, you just thought he did. I learned this 25 years ago when I went through treatment for alcoholism. It took me years to learn how to stop trying to drive my life, but I did figure it out. I have learned to ask God for the ability to except and grow/learn from the life that I’m living. He by the way is not driving either, life is an experience, and we are all part of that experience. The experience is that of living within the creation God made. We enter life (the experiencing of the creation) as individual souls. The life that opens before us is the experience we are having. It ebbs and flows, like a river. Some times we get stuck in one place like an eddy, other times our lives flow quite quickly. At no time does the water or God control the river, but events around it may cause change. If it rains upstream, the increased flow could change quite a bit of the structure of the river, but no one controls the outcome.

My life is like that. I can no more control my health or my reaction to events than I can control the sun from rising. In fact when I look back on the times I was in fact driving, I can see they coincide with some of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in life.
What I try to do is not ask for a direction or outcome, but rather the strength to carry on with what I am faced with. If I had chosen not to except and grow, I would have taken my life long ago.

What you are living through is unimaginable and unthinkable for all of us. You can not control the disease, but you can learn to move forward with it. Yes you may lose interest in a lot of things, maybe everything. That’s ok; you are initialed to these feelings. The point is you wake up each day and do the best you can. If that is not up to your self imposed standard, oh well! Accept it, this is the best you can do. No one expects any more from you than that which you can give. Acceptance is hard for someone as active as you are. Ask for that strength, to except where you are. You may not feel your doing well, or that you are not being as important a piece of others life as before. But in fact that is not at all accurate. Sense your illness struck you, which you clearly were not controlling, you have become the beacon so many are drawn to. As Kelly wrote, you became an ancient tree, sprouted from a place only a few had seen. Now you have grown to become visible to all of us, world wide!

The fact is, you have not been controlling the direction of your life for a very long time, and during this time you have enriched hundreds of lives. In that vane, you would be grateful for the wonderful gift your life has become. What I have recently learned is it’s ok to be grateful and angry at the same time, over the same thing.

I grieve for my lost physical abilities, I’m angry for my limitations, I’m lonely in my pain, I’m scared of the unknown and yet I’m grateful for the things I have. Family, friends, God and the profound impact my life has had on so many people. Rejoice in the gifts you give every day, for you are the blessed one.

JD

P.S. Happy 4th

Albert you got it right. Pat, you are a wise and yet approachable teacher. Your time is to be spent doing the good work you are doing here. Thank you for being our mentor my friend.

JD

Pat my friend. Your doing great, I'm happy to here the symptoms are from the drugs and not the cancer. My prayers and far too many thoughts are with you.
JD

Pat, let me know if you need the AI back.

Great news for a very deserving soul. I will continue my prayers for you, i still believe your going to beat this. I feel much to strongly your incredible journey has much more to experience. Keep giving yourself all the rest your body is asking for, you will be back!

I'll pray for another great week!

Hi Pat,

That was not the story I hoped to hear. DAMN! It makes no difference in my prayers or your influence one me. You remain the great light we all follow, and a true heroe in my eyes.

I love you, and am always thinking of you even if I'm not there, or posting!

JD

who would name their baby Lugnut? what an odd thing to call a baby. here little luggy, eat this!

I just re-named those goofy nuts on my car wheels "Pats" so I wouldn't get confused. So how did those ever get named after you anyway? Now that little luggy is on "its" way I think we need to petition the auto industry to change those things name. Poor little luggy if we still call our wheel nuts lugnuts.

You know how much I love you Pat,you are an amazing man.

Barb,

I know you have been the strength behind Pat's grace, and I know how you have grown from your role. I say I know, when of course I have no real experience other than watching my wife live for eight years through many nights where she and I wondered if this was it. I generally ended up in the emergency room, but more often lately, we simply ride it out.

The point is my wife has grown into the most incredible person I know. She continues to share her fears and sadness, but way above that she continues to laugh. Countless times over the years we had two options, one was to laugh and accept the futility of the situation, the other choice was to cry and fall into an abyss of darkness. far too often I hear people say how amazing she is. (of course I am jealous of the attention and wonder why they don't see me, I'm kidding, she deserves all the accolades as do you)

My wife, as with you have kept seeing the good in the day. I know you have the tools to move forward, but I hope you will allow Pat's friends here at Audiogon be a part of that journey. I think the people you and Pat have met through this thread are something much deeper than simply audio geeks. The two of you have reached out with your love, and our souls have recognized this love. Please allow us to continue share and grow with you.

Oh yea, your still here aren't you Pat? Damn! I thought a little opening of my heart could lead to some flirting and...

Sorry I forgot you were still...

But one last thought, for those of us who would like to share our thoughts and love with Barb, I wonder if you would be comfortable posting your address, or is it best to keep that off line?

I love you two, your amazing!!!

JD

Thanks Albert for your post above, you showed me a different side of you.

Craig, you have been missed, and I for one believe we indeed were drawn back for a reason. I too was gone for almost two years, and one of the first people I found was Pat. He reached out in a very special (spiritual) way that told me I was indeed in the right place.

At any rate, we need more clueless people at Audiogon, and those of us who realize we are indeed clueless missed our leader.

JD

Mmmmmmmmmmm Cooked peas... and you say your not a saint.

Spirituality, indeed defines this thread. A higher power gave Paul the initiative to start this thread a year ago. It was fate that brought Pat into my life, I responded to something he said on another post about souls. Love continues the progression of this thread and with little doubt will continue it in most of our lives forever. Once we learn how important love for each other is, how could we go back?

“Imagine there’s no religion, it isn’t hard to do…” John understood the spirituality being shared here. There are no rules being place upon our love here. There is no judgment being place on the words we share, only love. This is God; He is here, teaching every one of us through an experience we share through Pat’s life.

Future interactions will happen, and they will be forever altered by this thread. I doubt it will be confined in this thread, I expect it will permeate every aspect of each of our lives. This is God’s work. We need no religion telling us how to love one another or share an experience together. This is spirituality and no matter what we are taught by man, this will carry through all religions, for this is love, and our souls are love.

As years pass, we will never forget the lessons learned from Pat’s experience. Pat, you will never die, and the people you have touched will never be the same. Our job, as we proceed into the next chapter of life is to carry what we have learned to everyone we meet. If we truly feel the love and spirituality shared here, and if our lives really have been changed, than it is not possible to go backwards. God is love, and the love we share here is God. If we keep Pat in our hearts, his life will permeate thousands of other lives. The fact that this is an international forum means many religions, many beliefs; many backgrounds have found a common feeling, love. Share this every day, and the world will change.

Imagine

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...

Imagine there's no countries,
It isn’t hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...

Imagine no possessions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I’m a dreamer,
but I’m not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.

Written by: John Lennon
© Bag productions Inc.

Thanks Pat, I love you…

Not depressing, this is life and you are our portal to reality. Thanks for being you Pat

My vote is for Luggy.

Pat, there is so little left to say other than your almost home. I know from my personal experiences that you soon will feel the freedom from the immense constraints our human existence provides to our soul. I know you are about to experience the love that created us all, and it is good. Soon my friend, and it will truly be a relief. But not just for you, but you have allowed us all to understand the experience and we too are ready.

No we will not feel the freedom you are about to experience, but you have prepared us. Thank you for the unselfish journey.

The experience of life (that which you are about to have) is beyond words. Unlike me, you will not be given the option to return to this experience, but instead you will be welcomed into an eternal life that you will recognize as home.

Welcome home Pat, you have had quite a journey, and it is time to rest. God is waiting, as are all the souls who have been watching over you. Soon you will remember all you have forgotten here on earth. The love that has created all that is, and all that is not will be your solace, and it is good.

You have left Barb a wonderful blanket of love which she can wrap around her soul. Your time with Barb is not over, it is only different. The love you have left behind will support her, and the love you are about to experience will be the future. You will continue to hold her, even more now, for your soul is free to carry hers.

I'm sure little of this means much right now, or even makes sense, but it will. Barb, you will never be alone for Pat will be with you forever. I do not mean just his memory, but his spirit and his soul. His work here on earth is done, but his sharing a journey with you is only partially complete. Asking for his comfort and love will bring him to your side. Your soul will recognise his, and you will find comfort. I suggest you have something agreed upon. Mine is "tickle neck" and I feel it with those who are supporting me. I have told my kids and wife that when I'm gone, they will know I am next to them every time they seek me, by the feeling on the back of the neck. Right where the hair starts, I feel it often when I think of "home" and I know it to be love.

Pat, thank you.

Pat, as I commented to my uncle a couple months ago the day before he died from cancer.

I asked if he was still smoking. He told me in a frail voice, "Yes a little." I told him he needed to think about quiting those, because they could kill him. I left his house seeing a big grin on his face. A good way to remember him.

So Pat, you too need to quite those nasty things, "They could kill you." ;-)

I love you.

Clearly these are hard days for us all. As I check for news four or five times a day, I realize we are all at a lose for words as we await Past's inevitable death. I have spent so much time with this topic in my life that I feel it might be my place to comment.

Barb, I know from my wife Julie how hard it is to wait for some new chapter of a sick spouse's life. Yours is harder in that you can not pray for health, but only comfort for Pat. My heart aches for you, and I know you are living an amazing experience. I can not however know how you actually feel, and so I feel sad in that I lack the words.

Pat, you continue to inspire. Your strength reminded me of a very dear friend who died many years ago from cancer, and he too was a source of amazement to me. The day before he died at home I was with him for a few hours. He continued to be upbeat and strong despite the pain associated with the cancer that had spread to his bones and digestive system. He had a license plate "Atit2d" or attitude. What a great example of faith he was, and yes you too have achieved his stature.

Your a great leader for us, and I pray for a quick end to this long journey you have walked. I have also learned Barb is a lot like Julie, both of these amazing women have a strength beyond words, and are the support you and I lean on.

I pray that you both receive an ease to your pain soon. This is so hard to me, I can not even imagine...

God speed my friend, I love you.

JD

Thank you Barb, I check this thread three or four times a day to see how Pat is doing. I'm happy you have another day together. Pat, I hope your comfortable, I know I would love the morphine. Every time I go into the hospital I get morphine, good stuff! It's too bad we need to be so sick, it would be a great high!

Rest well my friend.

Despite all you have gone through Pat, you do not deserve any more. clearly your just too damn ornery.
I pray God brings you home now, this is too painful...

As I read the news of Pat's passing to a new life, I find myself tearing up. I know he is at home now and has found the love we all will find, yet my sadness persists. I will miss the spirit we have all gained insight from.

I can only imagine the hole in Barbs life. The friendships developed over this past year will help to fill the loss, but replacing such a great soul is not possible.

Thank you Paul for inviting us into this magnificent mans life. Thank you Barb for allowing us to stay and share your growth. And above all, thank you Pat for your immense unselfishness and your incredibly bright guiding light. We have all gained.

Amazing...

Barb, you are amazing. Your idea is so special, and I can not think of a better memorial for his grand kids. Thanks again for letting us share your life.

JD

I have a few comments that I would like to discuss after reading Davt’s post.

First off, keeping Pat alive in our souls is keeping the Lugnut in each of us active in our lives. Dav, you did this on your walk, and you came home alive. What this experience has taught us is to be honest, open and loving of strangers. These strangers become friends as soon as we extend our hand to them,

We have all shared an experience here, and it has been good. The experience appears to outsiders as death, this is what we see in the obituary, but we have learned this experience is in actuality life. Our time on earth is ours to share in any way we wish, this group at Audiogon have learned to share life as love and honesty. From this experience we hopefully have changed our perspective. That is the Lugnut legacy, and for me what I carry away from this and some other experiences I’ve had in my life is we are in this together, and every one of us needs the love of others to have the most fulfilling experience possible. Imagine how sad and lonely Pat’s death would have been without this community. Now put yourself in Pat’s place, will you be alone or will you have love surrounding you at your passing?

We need each other, not just when we a sick, but every day. Pat had wished for this thread to continue because he was the benefactor of the love shared. But really, weren’t we all the benefactors? My life was forever altered when I had my heart attack, and I have found the community expressed here ar Audiogon in my life outside Audiogon. I have been able to share my lessons with many people, I even wrote a book (not published… yet) to help others learn. I try and live Lugnut’s lessons with every person I meet. My comment is to keep Pat alive we must expand the affected group beyond just Audiogon. If we do not, then the lesson will slowly fade into history, and nothing we have learned will have been carried forward into our futures. This is not acceptable in my view.

We are the luckiest people ever, we were allowed to share the hardest part of life and we grew. Pat will live as he lived today on Dav’s walk. If we want to memorialize Pat and Barb’s gift to us than all we need to do is love everyone you meet. Share random acts of kindness everyday. (I can not express how powerful random acts of kindness are.) Love will spawn love in the same fashion hate spawns hate. But love trumps hate every time, hate will fail to exist if we all love one another. We were created to share this experience together and to help one another everyday. Help is not one day or one thread at an audio web site. Help is loving everyone we meet, and extend our souls to another.

For the moment that is enough from me. I have set-up my Empire turntable from 1972 with the AI preamp Pat gave to me, and yes Neil Young (‘70’s style) will play tomorrow afternoon, despite a frozen cartridge that sounds like $#&^.

God bless you all, I have grown to love so many of you through this incredible thread.

I love you Pat.

I'm always late to the party, I must through my love for Pat into the thread, we all miss you.

Jade

On this sunny Thanksgiving I find myself thankful for my many friends and the time we have each been given with our loved ones.

I also find my thoughts drifting to those who are not so fortunate and to those who have lost. Barb, you are in my prayers on this first Thanksgiving day without Pat. I know you are thankful Pat is with God now, but you are human too, and loneliness is part of the experience here on earth. I pray for your peace and that those closest to you are able to fill a portion of the void you feel.

I also pray for those on this site I have met who are going through hard times. Sick family members is something I know a few of you are experiencing, and I empathise with you.

Thanksgiving is a time to look back on the year and give thanks for the gifts we have received. Despite the challenges many of us have faced this past year, there is always room for thanks. I thank Pat and Barb for their generosity of offering their souls so freely. I am forever changed.

Barb, not a day has passed where I have not brought you into my thoughts and prayers. I hope you are well. I love you.

JD

with the arrival of Christmas eve, I tend to look to my blessings and the people who have entered my life over the past year. This has been a bitter sweet year. I have found two local audio friends, and met quite a few e-friends. I was fortunate enough to re-discover my extended family this summer as we had a family reunion for the first time in 25 years.

My family and my local friends continue to be my purpose to live, and I was lucky enough to add another important piece to my life. I am spending four hours a week volunteering in the Architectural drafting program at the high school(the same program that I got my start)

No one has influenced 2005 as greatly as Pat, Barb and now Kirsten. My faith has always been strong, but Pat was witness to the love we all share within our souls. I know this is hard Barb, you do not walk it alone however. So much love and honesty was discovered from your selfless journey. In reflection of 2005, your family has no higher place in my heart. I love you Bard, Kirsten and Pat. May Pat's love encompass us all this holiday, for in 2005, Pat is home. His spirit will live forever in our heart, and his love is in our souls.

Thank you Pat for an amazing year!

jd

Hi Greg,

My good news is I’m still hanging in here. I have been on a heart transplant list for the past eighteen months. It was anticipated at the time a heart would be found within twelve months, but alas, I continue to wait. It literally could be any day.

My heart function has dropped another 25% since this thread was going, yet somehow I continue to manage fairly well.

The worst issue in my life is my pre-amp has been broken for three months, and the loaner I have is not doing it for me. The good news is it should be back here this weekend!!!

Thanks for asking,

Jade