Patrick: I haven't encountered this thread before today, and didn't have time to read through it all just now. But you and I had some enjoyable correspondences in the past when I was more active around here, and I've always highly regarded your thread contributions. You just kind of know who you'd personally like and respect on Audiogon were you to meet them in the flesh (which I hardly ever do, since I don't go to shows or join clubs, etc.), and I certainly count you as one of those guys.
I've endured too many losses due to cancer in my as-yet fairly young life to indulge in much cheery well-wishing. Tomorrow, my brother and I will rendezvous on the opposite coast to visit with a cousin who grew up as a virtual twin brother of our late father's (the two of them even shared the same names); at 80, he has what is now metastatic colon cancer and is on his second course of intensified chemo in under a year.
We wanted to see him while he's still in relatively good shape and spirits, and have a lot planned over four days, including attending a talk this cousin will give to a civic group concerning his WWII experiences helping to liberate a Nazi death camp. Within a month after we leave, he and his wife have a 2-week trip planned to Italy in between doses.
My cousin knows medicine and death - he was chief of anesthesiology for one of the country's largest metropolitan hospitals, while his first wife died of lung cancer - and though he is committed to fight his disease, he has made it clear that he does not want any treatment that overly diminishes his ability to live fully in the time he has left. I look forward to spending some of it with him; he's the closest thing to a parent I have left.
When my brother got married the year before last, his bride's father was slowly dying from kidney failure resulting from advanced cancer. With continued treatment at that time, he could have lived several more months or longer, but didn't feel well enough under the grueling regimen to attend their wedding. I didn't know this man - I met him for the first and only time at the gathering. He had discontinued treatment and dialysis expressly so he could travel to make the event. He had to lie down during the ceremony, but seemed very happy just to be there, with his family all around him. He died two weeks afterward.
It's a very tough call. My own mother worked, ironically enough, for the National Cancer Institute, so that when she got agressive ovarian cancer in her late fifties, all the most cutting-edge protocols were tried on her over an increasingly brutal 18-month period before she died. The whole situation left me feeling she was more of an experimental guinea pig than a nurtured patient. It had been her regular gynecologist who had initially found her disease; when she operated on it, she blanched and began crying, telling my mother there was no hope from what she had found. My mom was furious at her for her unprofessional reaction and ended their relationship, but it turned out this doctor and former friend had been more correct in her impression than the parade of well-intentioned truthsellers that followed. I was close by to my mother for all of that time, and to this day I couldn't tell you if the kindled and dashed hopes, let alone her extended physical torment, could ever have been worth it compared with possibly taking a different, probably shorter but more certain and maybe humane approach.
However, she was also reacting in a way to the death of her mother (my grandmother), who when she got breast cancer for the second time after many years having been cured, broke my mom's scientific heart by blithely ignoring her expertly-researched advice and doctor-shopping until she found one who told her she didn't need any treatment and could live comfortably until she would have died from old age anyway, whereupon she soon became sick (and unfortunately demented - it must have gotten to her brain) and died within a year - needlessly, so her daughter was sure. What proved to be my mom's fatal diagnosis came only two months after my grandmother's passing; my father was always positive the two things had a causal link. As for myself - not being as generally optimistic by nature as my dad was or as steadfast as my mom - witnessing my sister-in-law's father's choice cast my grandma's actions in somewhat of a new light.
On the other hand (leaving out several more instances on the first hand, I'm sorry to say), a daughter of the cousin I'm about to go visit has survived, taught school, danced flamenco, and raised a beautiful family while fighting cancer in four separate bouts over probably two decades, and we'll be seeing her on our trip as well. And my girlfriend's sister recently survived a virtual terminal diagnosis for inoperable cervical cancer the size of a grapefruit - on top of which she contracted chronic hepatitis while in the hospital - but she's in amazingly good health today. (Her hair grew back curly, just like my mom's did at one point.)
So to you I simply say, whatever you do, do it well my friend. I'll look for you around here whenever I can, and one day I'll make good on that threatened return and peregrinate all the way from the bottom to the top of Idaho state (or what's left of it after W. and Jeb get through :-) and maybe stop by, or if not then think of you sometime.
Peace Love & Light, Alex. |
Pat, glad to hear your spirit is rallying (and that you're sleeping better!). I also just received some good news about my sick cousin I recently visited (the latest chemo is effecting a measure of remission at this time), so I think we're all feeling a bit better today.
I'd like to send you some nice unfamiliar music - one of the stuffs of life! - for your listening pleasure if you're up for it. I'll email you...Keep on livin' it up, Alex. |
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Pat, just want to say how much I admire your honesty and attitude displayed in your narrative here, and encourage you not to worry about letting it all hang out on this thread if doing so is of any psychically therapeutic use to you, no matter how wrenching you fear it may seem. We can take it if you can (even the part about selling the Nova :-) I also second your commendation of and request to Audiogon about this thread.
I see I shouldn't haul off and send you my vinyl copy of A Love Supreme (whew!). I'm wondering if you have either of two of my other fav 'Trane albums, Ole (Atlantic) or Coltrane (Impulse)?... |
Jphii said above he's sending you A Love Supreme that he got off ebay. You might be interested to know that critic Robert Palmer has written (in his liner notes for a reissue of Miles Davis' Kind Of Blue):
"...The one group I never missed [at the Fillmore East] was The Allman Brothers Band. More specifically, I went to see their guitarist, Duane Allman, the only 'rock' guitarist I had heard up to that point who could solo on a one-chord vamp for as long as half an hour or more, and not only avoid boring you but keep you absolutely riveted. Duane was a rare melodist and a dedicated student of music who was never evasive about the sources of his inspiration. 'You know,' he told me one night after soaring for hours on wings of lyrical song, 'that kind of playing comes from Miles and Coltrane, and in particular Kind Of Blue. I've listened to that album so many times that for the past couple of years, I haven't hardly listened to anything else.' Earlier, I'd met Duane and his brother Gregg when they had a teenage band called The Hourglass. One day I'd played Duane a copy of Coltrane's Ole, an album recorded a little more than a year after Kind Of Blue but still heavily indebted to it. He was evidently fascinated; but a mere three of four years later, at the Fillmore, I heard a musician who'd grown in ways I never could have imagined..."
I'll send you dubs of key tracks off these and maybe some other Coltrane records you don't already have. Together with the copy of A Love Supreme you're slated to get, his greatness and influence might reveal themselves to you more fully in that light. |
I, too, am a fan of Pat's transparency, but it's the fullness and richness of his tonality that really puts it all in perspective for me (and that's no joke! :-)
Coltrane comps are on the way, among other things... |
Pat, I haven't kept up with this thread for about a month due to my computer going on the fritz. The same thing also delayed my sending you the Coltrane disks, about which I feel like a turd after having caught myself up to date here. They are en route and should arrive this week, with a letter enclosed that I'm afraid may in spots sound a bit out of date now vis-a-vis your situation. Be that as it may, you are forewarned: for better or worse, the package is a little bigger than you might expect...
Still, I do so much hope that you will be in the mood sometimes to enjoy the music - when you're not watching the Tour, that is. I didn't make the connection before (and to think that this is Lance's final Tour), but now each day when I watch him ride, you'll be in my mind. I do not post to Audiogon anymore and so haven't been logging on to the Forums since getting my 'pooter scene straightened out week before last, but I promise to keep an eye on this space. Thanks again for everything you've written so far, it has been a gift. |
Pat: I'm relieved you're taking the inclusion of the dreaded bit-reading player in stride, knowing how in easier times such devices were banished from your system. Although I wouldn't have been disappointed if you hadn't wanted to sully what you've labored so long to build by installing one even now, I really sent it mainly because I knew how serious you were about being able listen to more Coltrane, which made me glad that I could put together some music for you without worrying that I would be imposing my own predelictions upon a man who might have less good time to listen in than myself. Hopefully, being able to check it out through the big rig will help. But you bring up a good point - the last play the Adcom changer saw was when I used it to set up a little bedroom system for my late father, so we could load it up with with several Mozart and Beethoven disks he could listen to for hours aided by the remote, without unecessarily taxing his energy reserves (depleted from chronic heart failure). I wish you can continue playing all vinyl for as long as possible, but nothing would give me greater satisfaction than if you were able to employ this player in a similarly pleasureable manner anytime the going gets that rough for you. Enjoy! |
Hi Pat, we're just back from our trip and I'm catching up here. (Missed entirely too much of the Tour de Lance while we were away, and what little TV coverage we did manage to catch was mostly in French [which is Greek to me] since we were primarily in Quebec - not that I'm complaining!)
For some reason, the first time I attempted to open this thread the other day it failed to display or indicate the existence anything beyond page 9 - making things appear as if there had been no new activity or word from you since I last had a connection, around mid-month. That really bummed me out; am I relieved to discover it was only a glitch! Not to mention that you've been feeling decent enough to enjoy what you're able to do.
I don't ever go fishing these days. It had seemed an essential part of my being during my teens and twenties (spin-casting lures only), but I think you've inspired me to get out there again sometime soon, all by myself, just for the contemplative succor it provides amid this world of crapola. (Hold that last observation - I just looked up as I write this and see that hummingbirds have returned to the yard during our absence :-)
Oh, love the pix - but then, I already knew that you were (a la lingua jazzbo) a beautiful cat!
BTW, if the preamp ever needs to come out of the system for service, the PSFM (Perfect Sound Forever machine) does have the ability of connecting directly to an amp from the optional variable outputs, with a useful measure of integral attenuation control (digital, but who's counting while we're at it anyway?) available via the remote.
I read that Lance will soon embark on a cross-country bike ride with around 100 other cancer survivors, I believe starting sometime in late August in northern California and finishing up here in DC in about early October or so (better check me on the specifics). Maybe if it's not scheduled to pass too far away - and if you're feeling up to it and want to do so - you could possibly go and witness this somewhere along the route? In any case, we'll plan to get down to the finish and give some big cheers just for you. |
OK, come to find I had some (alright, many) of the details wrong about the cross-country bike ride for cancer research I alluded to above - like the starting date and location (and therefore the implied probable route), and who will be riding (including the extent of Lance participation in the actual tour :-) But in my defense...well, I probably shoulda researched this *before* opening my yap, but better late than later, so here's a link to the Tour Of Hope where everybody can find out more! |
Was it just me, or did I hear Lance leaving the door slightly ajar tonight on OLN when he was asked at the start of his interview whether he was really permanently retired now? I believe his exact words were that "it would take a miracle" he didn't forsee for him to ever get back on the bike. Hmmm...not quite a flat denial - especially in his case. |
Happy B-day Pat! (I'm just a few days [and several years] behind you.)
I can relate about the hair thing, having witnessed the phenomenon in the cases of my mom (during her last months it grew back really wavy and going in all directions) and my girlfriend's sister (grew back in 1/2" corkscrew curls, like a natural perm - and she has survived and is considered cured of inoperable, grapefruit-sized cervical cancer). In both instances I dug the new look, so I say roll with it - as long as you continue to wear T-shirts and stay out of the discos ;^) |
Pat, I can't decide which represents living the most dangerously: risking provocation of certain of your Idaho 'neighbors' had they perceived you were poking fun at some of their more, shall we say, stereotypically odious proclivities; risking their enthusiastic acceptance if they didn't; or risking your ass if ever you drove to a more (ahem) 'urban' area than Boise. Well, I'll give you this - I may not have laughed even if I had figured out your little joke on the street, but you definitely must have a pair on ya!
I've long schemed that if I ever got custom plates, I'd have them read, "& ROLL". People could fill in the blank: besides being a euphamism for rolling down the road (or sex, take your pick), it would either signify my credo that Rock was best before it lost the Roll, or if the missing part of the phrase is taken as "Shake, Rattle," then not only a great Joe Turner song, but also a pretty apt descriptor for some of my junkier rides down the years. But besides never being able to justify in my mind the $50/year premium, after 9/11 I didn't want to risk any possibility of confusion with those gung-ho "Let's Roll" bumperstickers that can be taken as cheerleading for war, so my plates remain boring stock... |
You rattle on all you like Pat - I love reading it. It means we're both alive. You are not misunderstood, and weren't before the last post either. As a pigmentally-challenged American, I have come to an understanding in the last few years that in a way, MLK actually came to liberate *me* and people like me - we just didn't realize it, and unfortunately by and large still don't. You see, to me, a person is most in need of freeing when they can't recognize or deal with the truth. (But that's a statement which those who might hold views diametrically opposed from yours or mine could also make.) I've lived most of my life in a region that's quite a mixing bowl (including periods when I was locally in the minority), and been to places where you almost never see a different face, but I have yet to discover any 'enlightened areas'. When we were out West a couple of years ago, we went to as many reservations as national parks, because both are strong doses of reality about our country of a type you don't get very much of here in East, though I was always aware in each that I was merely a tolerated visitor. But of all the states we traveled through, Idaho was the one where I'd never been before that I'd most like to return to and see more of someday. |
Pat says he doesn't want us to think of him as a hero, and I'm inclined to both honor his wishes and to agree with him in principle. Death comes to us all, but if it almost always does not make of us heroes, there still is such a thing - just as in living well - as dying well, provided we are given the opportunity (time and mental and physical ability) to exercise a choice in the matter. In that regard, Pat is surely a role model and a valuable teacher.
In my experience it is probably quite a rare thing in most cases for family and friends, beyond possibly spouses – never mind online acquaintances - to be granted this sort of unvarnished (no, not completely; I understand that) relating-to concerning their loved one's or friend's thoughts both mundane and profound as life draws to an end. I suspect the feeling that Pat is heroic must be prompted by the realization within many readers, myself included, that we probably wouldn't want to or be able to do the same work as he's done here in this respect (especially those of us still struggling with the ‘living well’ part).
I think it's primarily this aspect of Pat's example that has touched me most deeply. That I am touched by him is not due, for instance, to a shared love of the same music, though in theory some of that might be discovered to apply (yeah, I do like Neil Young). It is certainly not because he is a fellow audiophile, little of a true believer as I am. And it is not even because I feel I know him a tiny bit from the forums, or had corresponded with him couple of times by email prior to learning of his disease on this thread. The fact is, and will have to remain, that Pat and I are basically strangers to each other, and who knows whether, if we had ever met, we would’ve actually related all that famously or not. Most likely there have been other Audiogon members I've chatted with on the forums in the past who have died without my ever having known about it or been affected by their deaths. I myself have dropped off the forums in the past year – what’s the difference between that and if I had died suddenly to anybody who used to read what I wrote?
What touches me most then about Pat's journey is his unstinting ability (he has a lot of that) and willingness (which never ceases to amaze me) to share it with strangers such as myself, and how that helps illuminate for me the experiences which went basically unreported by some of my own loved ones who have died of cancer, but who must have undergone journeys similar to Pat's. I wonder if Pat's children in particular will sense as I do the possible significance, for their future understanding of their father's experience and aspirations, of the resource laid down so honestly by him in this thread. I can only imagine having such a record of my mother's thoughts and feelings in her time of dying, but considering Pat's helps me better imagine hers, and that is of value to me way beyond the limited extent of his and my internet familiarity.
Permit me to diverge and indulge in some dime-store philosophizing: When I was a younger guy, there was a phrase which I guess had then been in popular lit-crit fashion that I came across a lot in reading, "the human condition". For as often as one saw the expression deployed, I was always intrigued by how it seemed never to actually be defined – as if the reader should automatically know what was meant, despite that at first blush, any definition for “the human condition” would appear to require a rather lengthy and involved explanation - though somehow the construction did feel as though it nicely captured a certain pathos fundamental to our existence. (I didn't and still don't know the exact origin or intended meaning of the line, if indeed there was one that can be pointed to; perhaps someone here will be able to enlighten me.) Nevertheless, the phrase was evocative and caught my imagination with the question it begged, so after a while I decided I'd try to come up with some kind personal definition for it, if I could.
Were we merely talking about a list of attributes that allegedly distinguish what it is to be a member of the species homo sapiens? That seemed entirely too prosaic and fraught with technicalities and qualifications - not to mention other definitions - while missing the essential gestalt of the phrase. I decided there were two conditions which had to be satisfied in order to arrive at just what "the human condition" entailed: whatever it was, it must apply only to humans and to no other earthly creature, so far as we can tell; and it must apply in equal measure to every sentient person, no matter what their circumstance.
Well, long story short, after the better part of two decades with the question filtering in the back of my brain, and rejecting, for various reasons which I won't go into here, all of the seemingly obvious choices (many of them unnecessarily complex, contingent, or based upon faulty assumptions about what is really unique or universal to our kind - not just today, but ever since we presumably 'became' human), I finally, only a couple of years ago, settled on my mark: to me, "the human condition" very simply boils down to the foreknowledge of one's own eventual death. ThatÂ’s an awareness with which I believe no other species is afflicted (some may know what it is for other individuals to die, but not, I donÂ’t think, themselves before the time comes, and anyway certainly not that this personal death is inevitable), nor the hominid predecessors to ourselves, prior to some milestone in the mists of time that probably predated even the advent of formal spoken language or the harnessing of fire (but not walking upright), and may have marked the fundamental turning point in the acquiring of our humanity. (End of pseudo-anthropological meditation.)
In this “human condition” of ours there's foreknowledge of one’s eventual death, and then there's really knowing; I get the feeling we may never have the potential to be so human as [if and] when we know we're coming down that final home stretch, so to speak. (I said potential; not everyone can keep ahead of their depression and fears, or retains all their faculties. But that's true even for those of us not expecting to die soon.) So maybe Pat, in his good grace and generosity and forbearance, is - if not a hero - then just that much more human than you or I can hope to be at a different juncture in our lives. Pat inspires us to embrace this quality through sharing in his story and vision, and we learn from him and so become wiser and hopefully more humane people. Which, if I were attaching meaning (and I'm the sort who considers all meaning to be attached), are the kinds of qualities to attain that I think living life well must be all about in the end. Thanks Pat, and peace to you and yours. |
Went to Amoeba in the Haight (and Berkeley) when I was visiting SF a couple years ago. My jaw dropped to see that a used record store could have a line 10 deep at the checkout counter AND have several registers going at once (that line moves as fast as it gets replenished). Amazing. No used record store here in DC has more than one or two checkout registers, but you'll never find yourself more than maybe one customer away from it on a busy day. Even in NYC I've never seen anything like it. Selection was broader than it was deep, but that was mostly because it was very broad, yet still sufficiently deep to be interesting. Pricing's fair, and I even found a couple of bargains. Have a blast, Pat. (And thanks Boa2 for the literary citation.) |
...And speaking of politics, I see that W. tore himself away from the ranch long enough to visit Pat's humble burg of Nampa to conduct one of his pep rallys for the war. I must say that, coincidental or not, I quite like the juxtaposition of Pat'n'Barb picking this as an opportune time to travel to 'Frisco of all places... |
Albert: "...(generally) excellent weather." In August, yes - provided you bring a substantial pair of pants, warm socks, a sweater, and a windbreaker jacket! :-)
Hey Pat: I'm jealous of your Nina score. That was her first LP, on the Bethlehem label. As you know, the sound is lucid and luscious; the talent and artistry bone-deep, as always with her. Enjoy! |
You heard it here: Don't look now, but my prediction of 8/2 seems to be coming true... :-) |
I'm looking for a copy of Nate's "Greatest Bits"... |
I sat down to read these posts whilst munching on an english muffin liberally smeared (I specialize in liberal smear jobs) with ginger jam, but now somehow the wind has left my sails and I feel like a broken man... |
Pat: Likewise, but I won't be surprised if I never go to an audio show (less'n maybe they hold one in DC, and even then I wouldn't bet on it). I'd probably feel I'd had enough of that scene and split inside of 30 minutes, ha! (I like to think of myself as having a low tolerance for ostentatious displays of rampant bourgeois consumerism - not to mention 'audiophile music' ;^) Then again, this one's your first eh?...I guess there's still time for me to eventually be corrupted...Nah!!!
P.S. - Enjoy yourself! :-) |
Said mostly tounge-in-cheek Pat - fact is, I've already been corrupted beyond my ostensible comfort zone :-)
Speaking of which, should I laugh or cry to learn that you're off and running with tweaking the humble CDP? Next it'll be digital interconnects, jitter-boxes and power-conditioning! Forgive me Barb, I knew not what I've done!! (Alright, I won't be able to claim that after what I'm about to say next: I know from experience going the very same route, with the very same CDP, that upgrading to a dedicated transport makes at least as much difference as adding an outboard DAC. However, far be it from me to tell a man fighting cancer he should resist getting his kicks any way he damn well pleases! But do me a favor and simply give Barb the CDP with my apologies if things do progress out of control ;^) |
Pat, I am so glad you got to attend the show and were able to soak it in as much as you did. I'm also agrieved to hear the current regimen cannot keep things in check for you anymore. Hoping for the best with your next treatment, but if you do opt to go off the chemo, I wish for you a better-feeling period of respite from the assault on your body. Brother, nobody can carry your jock - it's too f'n big! Much love, Z. |
Pat, depsite the infernal yo-yo, I have to say that I'm always uplifted any time you tell us you're feeling better! |
I'm saddened the chemo can't continue working for you Pat, but I share your feeling of relief that you're off it now. I really grew to hate that stuff watching what it did to my mom. I think it was worse than the disease in many ways, and if it prolonged her life, it also prolonged her suffering. But that was her case, and I know other people whom it saved, just like Lance, so you usually have to try, and I know that you did. In your case I think if it has prolonged your life it has been well worth it. Savor every day, every note, every kiss, and keep giving it hell like I'm sure you are. (For what it's worth, I've intimately witnessed and been involved with the dying process with relatives six times now, and though I don't know your family's plans or situation, if at all possible I strongly recommend staying at home and not going to stay in a hospital or hospice facility. I've found in-home hospice visits and the comfort of familiar surroundings are far preferable, and not only from the patient's point of view. While it does place increased demands on your family members while you are alive, I can say it gives a lot more peace of mind after you are gone.) |
"Software is where it's at."....Amen. Pat, thinking of you yesterday while playing with a new toy of mine, I ripped from the vinyl album onto the Alesis Masterlink's hard drive my favorite Neil album I haven't heard too much of recently, 1975's "Zuma" (all numbers save for "Through My Sails", which IMO is overshadowed in this company, the smooth CSNY treatment not sitting well with me alongside the ragged but right Crazy Horse emotional exorcism of the rest). With the the pre-echo-announced intros and extended fadeouts digitally tidied-up and the track-to-track volume levels equalized, I set the remaining 8 songs on continuous loop play and proceeded to saturate at high volume with the house empty for the afternoon. I found that some stanzas from a couple of my favorite tunes therein brought you even more to my mind, despite the complete lyrics subsequently diverging from any analogous situation. But one valuable thing about good songwriting, you can personalize it as you find necessary... From "Barstool Blues" (with slight editing liberties taken): If I could hold on to just one thought
for long enough to know
Why my mind is moving so fast
and the conversation is slow
Burn off all the fog and let
the sun through to the snow
Let me see your face again
before I have to go
Once there was a friend of mine
who died a thousand deaths
He trusted in a woman
and on her he placed his bet From "Don't Cry No Tears": Don't cry no tears around me
Don't cry no tears around me
'Cause when all the water's gone
the feeling lingers on
Oh true love ain't too hard to see Meanwhile, my admiration for your hard-earned wisdom and honesty just keeps on growing - truly inspirational, considering what you've graced us with already and the effort required simply to write. (Please let us know if you ever want some ammo in particular to help reload the CDP, I'm sure somebody here can always assist.) |
Nate: I'm no expert either, so if anyone wants to amend this to something simpler or better, or to correct any mistakes I may have made, please have at it...
For each page of the thread (the operation has to be repeated separately for every page), click on the date of the first response to open and display all the responses for that page. Then click on "File" in the toolbar, and click on "Save As". When the dialog box opens the cursor will be blinking on the highlighted "File Name" line - press either "Home" or "End" on your keyboard and then type in the current page number (at either the beginning or the end of the title, respectively), because all the pages can't have the same title when saved. Then choose your save destination at the "Save In" line - probably somewhere within "My Documents" if you're saving directly to your computer's internal hard drive, or the external recordable media drive of your choice to save it outside your computer (you can also do this later once saved to your hard drive to back it up, which you'll want to do if it's important for you to archive this for a long time) - and then click the "Save" button. (This will save the page in the original HTML web format which is easiest to view. You could, in a more complicated operation, copy and paste the plain text into Word and combine everything into one document, but I think staying with this graphic appearance and putting up with the separate pages is the preferable method.) Once saved on your hard drive, the pages can be opened offline by clicking on "Start" and then "Documents", etc. for whichever page number you wish to view.
P.S. - Hi Craig, good to hear from you once again, especially here (I too am otherwise gone :-) |
Hi Doug; quite the contrary, your short story needs no forgiving - it is most salutory, and a swell prescription!
Hi Warren: 'Audiogon ennui' - I like that. I've always had audiophile ennui...
Hi Michael (Swampie): Ditto me on a religious aspect, but also on what I'm getting.
Hmmm...seems 'Clueless' may not be so much after all :-) |
It's Tuesday morning, and I'm just getting back to this thread after being away for a few days attending my first cousin's wedding in the bucolic upstate New York mountains. We had a weekend focused on fun and celebration, eating (and drinking, though not for me), being outdoors, making/enjoying music, and meeting friends and relatives both old and new - in a setting featuring warm sun, brisk clean air, brilliant autumn leaves, interesting rocks and trees, snow-covered peaks, star-blanketed night skies (nice to see once in a while that the Milky Way is still around us) and panoramic mountaintop vistas revealed after a slightly grueling but invigorating (so you didn't mind the mud and slush) hike up. I found myself lingering, after group photos atop an abrupt rock face peak overlooking miles of valleys and ridges below, to watch as individual brightly colored leaves would every so often break free of their tree moorings and sail off gently into the abyss, yet not falling but buoyed upward and outward on thermals ascending the cliffside, floating away gradually against the blue sky like a slow and solemn dance procession. But all the while privately I kept wanting to hurry back home and to my computer because I knew I was missing this thread at a critical time.
That, and also because of an email exchange Pat and I had last week. You see, a few months back, when I sent Pat an old CD changer I had cooling in a closet, I did so with the threat that I would regularly be making and sending him CD-R's of whatever music I felt inspired to give him - mostly just in case he ever tired of having to get up and down to flip records during his illness, but also as a form of communication of my regard for him. Well, you know what they say about where the road paved with good intentions leads...
Despite plenty of initial enthusiasm I found I quickly became rather bashful about the prospect of imposing unsolicited music upon a guy I didn't really know, who had a large collection I was unfamiliar with the contents of, and who probably could no longer be in possession of the unthinking sense (that I suspect most of us are guilty of, however incorrectly in reality) that he had all the time in the world left in which to listen. Simply put, I didn't want to waste Pat's valuable time and attention on anything not of his own choosing, or that he or Barb might not dig as much as me. I was relieved when I learned that some of Pat's local friends - who presumably know his tastes better than I could - loaned or gave him several CDs, and after only a couple of stabs at sending him stuff, I aborted the mission thinking discretion might be the better part of valor in this case.
After reading recently that Pat had just 30 or so CDs to play I asked him last week if there was anything in particular he wanted, and instead he encouraged me to go ahead and send him whatever I felt like. I really wanted to deep down, so I agreed with both excitment and some reluctance to compile just one CD-R. I decided on making a collection from a group, my favorite among currently active rock bands, that I don't believe he's heard before, and I hope no one finds this too strange or inappropriate but part of the reason was because I feel they've written some inspiring songs about affirmation of life within comtemplation of death (though it's incidental, for those who might wonder the band is The Flaming Lips).
However I couldn't quite finish putting together the CD-R before we had to leave town, and after reading, the evening prior to our going, that Pat couldn't keep food down anymore, while we were away I feared it would really be too late upon my return for completing and overnighting the disk to be anything more than a futile gesture - even on the outside chance he might have liked the music nearly as much as I do, which of course was never any certainty. So now, reading Pat's most recent posts above, I've decided - again - that at this juncture I shouldn't send it after all. I feel kind of foolish concerning myself like this about something as small as a CD (though I myself will listen to it and think of Pat after he's gone) when Howard, who writes so eloquently, has actually traveled to be with Pat, but it's emblematic to me of the essential powerlessness I'm sure frustrates us all in this situation - with time slipping away, and words seeming like but leaves blowing away on the winds of a changing season we cannot alter. |
Wow Howard...BTW, that reminds me that I never remembered to ask Pat what was the result of hooking up that external DAC, if he did. Anyway, I stand in awe of the guys like you (and Paul, and Doug); of the group that assembled with Pat at Albert's place; of the Audiogon member who sends Pat medicine; and I'm sure many others - including everyone that cultivated a telephone relationship with "ol' Lugnut" - who went the extra mile of personally reaching out past the self-protective distance of the Internet to make an acquaintance in the flesh or by voice, with all the attendant emotional risk that entails, when you knew it would be taken from you before long. It's people like you who're really the caring ones, the ones with guts and a commitment translated into action. You're all loving people and role models for this community.
And - as if we needed any further evidence of it other than the words he has written here - Pat demonstrated he is truly a Wise Man (which I'm sure he'd deny :-) when he opened his heart to the whole crazy lot of us, rather than confine himself to the private and familiar, as I'd guess many of us might be inclined to do if we ever found ourselves in a similar circumstance. I suppose that, with his example for inspiration and guidance, someday there could be another thread on Audiogon not unlike this one, but I could never imagine anyone else pulling it off as naturally well as Patrick has done. Just so there's no mistake about it, it hasn't been his disease or his situation; it's been him, as our leader and teacher, who has made real and made worthwhile this special gathering - a testament to his character and his influence, which, as so many have declared, will endure inside us all. |
I'm very relieved to hear Pat didn't get 'stuck' in the hospital and is back at home. (You never know, when you go into that building at this stage of the game.) Man oh man!...That immediate situation - a burst of activity in semi-crisis mode merely confirming the simplest explanation ("...not much fluid left to drain") for something that couldn't have even been a 'problem' just days earlier - brings right back some of those typical recollections for me. I'm glad more family is arriving and hope they can share the burden a bit (of anything - keeping house, cooking, running errands, fielding phonecalls, even posting here) so you get yourself a little rest too Barb. Thanks for all the updates, we're with you in spirit every step of the way. |
Well Pat old buddy, I always did get the feeling that you kinda wanted more tubes in your system, but not like this!...(heck, you've probably told that one already ;^) |
This morning is not so different from numerous other days of recent months, in that I find I am thinking of Mr. Patrick Malone, and there are sometimes tears being shed; the only difference is, if there happen to be a few extra flowing on this day, that's because now some are ones of joy, to know that my friend's long battle is over and he can be at Peace.
Even on the first day Pat is gone from us, he continues to find ways to touch me anew, through Paul's wonderful recounting of how Pat said this thread saved him from feeling alone, and how it has been such a great year he wouldn't have traded it for being well; and Howard telling us about Pat's wish, if he must die this way, to give everything he had to give to others in the process. I think it's a safe bet that Pat gave even more than he imagined he was capable of, and I'm sure he'd say the same about this community regarding what it gave him (and each other, and ourselves). Well he'd be right: I think we all gave, and took, and learned, and accomplished more here than we - certainly I - could have imagined back at the start. And for that we can all be thankful.
Thanks too, to Audiogon, for hosting perhaps the most 'off-topic' (but really, I might suggest, the most pertinent) thread in their history in the single best way they could have done - not, I suspect, because they had to, even though it may not have been so feasible an option to have done otherwise - but because they wanted to. The thread is representative of the best that Audiogon has helped to be brought out within, and brought to, all of us, and that is something to be proud of.
Rest easy, Pat, and thank you: I realize I didn't know you all that well (nor you me), and we may not have shared all the same beliefs, but you are an example to me, imperfections included, of a man who deeply understood - and let himself learn - how to Be, plain and simple, even though life is not plain and simple, as you were not either, as any of us are not. We can call it some kind of grace, or wisdom; it is Love, and may it continue to fill and sustain Barb and your family and friends for the days and years yet to come. May that be the way for us all.
Happy listening always, Alex. |
On Sunday I'll play some Neil Young - live stuff I think - and some blues, 'cause those are things I know Pat liked (I'm already lining 'em up: Sonny Boy Williamson, Little Walter, Otis Rush, Champion Jack Dupree, Bill Broonzy, Mississippi Fred McDowell...), as well as the last CD-R I made for him. I grieved yesterday, but today woke up angry knowing I could no longer chat with Pat or read a new post from him anymore. I know you'll have the most beautiful gathering there Barb - that evening I'll raise a glass in Pat's honor and attend in spirit. |
Love the pics -- I think Gracie may have Pat's eyes :-) |
Thanks for the pictures Barb - that made my day :-) |
Paul: You of course are the initiator of this thread and have had more contact with the Malones than most of us. I'll just put down my own take here and others can respond if and as they see fit.
My own feeling is that Barb shouldn't be asked to weigh in about the family's situation here on the thread, but perhaps someone like yourself could function as a private intermediary. If it turns out they could make use of some assistance, that's the direction I'd most like to go in. Maybe we could have a special Audiogon auction with proceeds to be donated. (Of course it's possible Audiogon might shy away from setting such a precedent, seeing as Pat won't be the only member here who dies, and although it would be charitable as an action, it would not be giving to a charity. Personally though, I don't think this need be an automatic disqualifier; for instance, over the years I've attended several benefit music shows held at area clubs for local performers who've needed help with medical bills or similar.) I suspect that trying to set up some kind of more permanent or general fund for this type of cause wouldn't be practical for a variety of reasons. And though I know Pat said he thought it was a nice idea for a tribute, I myself can't get behind the "audio scholarship" proposal (don't need to go into why here, but obviously others disagree with me on that one). Summing up: My opinion FWIW is that more limited and more direct action is both best and most workable, provided that it's needed and wanted. However if Barb doesn't feel the same, then maybe she can let us know their prefered charity(s) for making memorial donations. |
Pleased to meet you Kirsten, and thank you! You're nice to talk about what the rest of us wrote, but I bet it's what your Dad had to say on his situation and thoughts that will endure and illuminate for you over time. If you ask me, I think your Pops was one heck of a cool dude in addition to being your father :-) |
That is good news -- getting away from home for a bit can be a nice prescription to help restore a little sense of balance when one is dealing with such an emotional loss, and Barb you definitely deserve a break. Enjoy yourself! |
Pat might've moderated his stance on CD somewhat since '91 -- thanks in part, it seems, to that relatively modest mid-90's vintage player I sent him over the summer, a purely unintentional byproduct but one that I did get a kick out of. (My own vinyl collection dwarfs my digital one, but I tend to be agnostic on the sonic advantage issue either way, believing mastering quality trumps format if the hardware is comparable.)
Since you and Pat may not have had what you'd call a close relationship, what I said about gleaning insight from his words in this thread probably goes double. There are always dimensions to people we all may not get to see enough of as children regarding parents. As for myself, I think I had more intaction with Pat and knew him better from this one thread than I did outside of it.
BTW, do you consider yourself an audiophile? If so -- or also if not -- what role in that did Pat play for you? |
Speaking of T-shirts, one of the items of Pat's that Barb was kind enough to send me turns out not to fit well enough for me to wear. It's a genuine traditional-style Levi's jean jacket, size 46R and in great shape, with 2 embroidered patches ironed and sewn on, one each above the left and right chest pockets, reflective of Pat's race car hobby: the "Nova" logo and the "Chevy II" logo. If anybody's interested, the right size, not a Mopar or Fomoco kinda guy or gal, and would value the memento, please contact me (Alex). Have a nice holiday Barb and everybody! |
