Many of us have come to know Patrick Malone (Lugnut) as a friendly, helpful, knowledgeable and kind individual. He is a frequent and enthusiastic contributor to our analog discussion forum. He has initiated only 17 threads, but responded to 559 threads. I would guess that many, if not most, of us can recall a time when Pat replied with helpful advice to a question we posted or helped us track down a rare recording. I have come to love Pat as a friend, and to respect him as a man, and I suspect many of you share those feelings.
Today I write to share difficult news with you. Pat has been diagnosed with an aggressive stomach cancer. It has yet to be determined whether surgery will even be worth it. If surgery is performed, most or all of the stomach will be removed, and Pat would face a difficult and long post-op period in the hospital. The medical course is still uncertain, but will be determined soon. Whatever is decided, it will not be easy or pleasant.
Something may be planned in the future to assist the family. For now, Pat could use some of the friendship he so often and willingly showed us. You can email Pat at: lugnut50@msn.com. You can also mail cards, letters ... or whatever. You may email me for Pat's mailing address. My email is: pfrumkin1@comcast.net.
I hope to spend a few days with Pat in Idaho or Nebraska (from which he hails) soon. Between this news, my legal work, getting ready for family arriving for the holidays, Audio Intelligent, and trying to make plans to visit Pat, my head is spinning. If you email me and I don't respond, please understand that I am not ignoring you, but rather simply do not have time to reply.
Pat may or may not have time to respond to posts here, to emails, or to cards mailed to him. But he has asked me to convey to each and every one of you that he has cherished your friendship, your comradery, and sharing our common hobby on this great website.
As we prepare for our holiday season celebrations, and look forward to -- as we should -- enjoying this time of year, I ask that you keep Pat and his family in mind ... and softly offer up, in quiet moments in the still of night and early morning, prayers for Pat and his family. God bless.
Pat - only just caught up with this thread (I spend too much time with the Lenco-ers). What an uplift it has given me to read there are a lot of great, caring human beings out there (especially after what has happened here in UK over the last week).
My prayers are with you at this time - I lost both my Father and Father-in-law to cancer.
The 'Our House' lyrics sum things up quite well - 'Life used to be so hard, Now everything is easy 'cause of you'
All you've gotten from the posts here, Pat, you've given it back in spades. "Our House" started going through my head as I read... I can imagine the place you describe, or one like it. What a pleasure. Thanks for that, and for all the rest. Just... thanks.
i'm on my third livestrong yellow bracelet now, having broken two through daily use. the first i wore was for my mom, the second for my mother in law. my most recent one, that i wear every day in every setting, i wear for you.
It's uncanny how a few posts from you guys lift me up. Without you I would be in a very different place. I seem to be needing less rest each day but I don't think I'm tolerating this chemo well enough to continue it's use. We'll see what happens tomorrow at my oncologists visit after getting the blood work done. I'm sure that my red blood cells took a massive hit and that's why I've been so tired. Of course, in every type of chemo the intent is to suppress the immune system so my white cells were hit hard too. In all fairness to the chemistry my stomach is improved some. I still have most of the complaints from fluid build up but cope well without any pain meds.
Barb is adjusting her work schedule so that she can be with me more. Our daughter, Amanda, comes over every morning. She offers to fix me breakfast and stays patiently, quietly, with me until Barb comes home. Barb is off today so we have made plans to visit a friend at his new home near the banks of the Snake River. This is a 1920's farm house on a sizeable acreage complete with barn and outbuildings. He's working feverishly to complete a dedicated music room in the second story of the barn. His new system he asked me to buy for him needs to be hooked up and dialed in and I would really like to hear the results. I just love this place. Sitting on the front porch with its southern exposure one can view the Owyhee Mountains still capped with a little snow. Whenever I sit there I want to listen to Crosby, Stills & Nash's "Our House". It just has that feel. It catapults me back in time to when Barb and I were first married living in the oldest farm house in Sarpy County Nebraska. The parties we used to have there!
My sister Mary called yesterday to say she is once again coming late this month and staying until early August. She is certainly proving to be her father's daughter. Dad was a wonderful example of caring and compassion. He always made time to comfort loved ones and Mary is doing exactly as he would have done. I wouldn't doubt that Mick and Steve will be here at the same time. As long as each of them have a comfortable place to sleep I'll be happy. They all know and like each other so if this happens it should be a lot of fun.
One of my fellow club members, an emergency room doc, called as well and wants to come visit as soon as I'm able. Glen is a sweet and caring guy. I helped him install a new cartridge on his Denon table recently and he's most happy with the results. He wants to have an anual Patrick Malone Vinly Night. Hearing this brought tears to my eyes and choked me up.
Zaikes, not to worry. I've seen you haven't been posting. I'll surely enjoy whatever tunes you send my way. Keep cheering Lance on. We are now at the stage in that race which will separate the men from the boys.
Howard, I think of you often. You sent me the Lance book which contained some gems I really needed to read. It doesn't matter that we have not physically met. You've shared yourself repeatedly in this thread and in private emails to an extent that I know you well. Thanks for being faithful. Also, you're spot on about this thread being the best of what the internet can be.
Lou, thank you for your post. I've been a lot of things in my life but always wondered if I'd leave anything meaningful behind. If you have gained anything from my thoughts expressed here and it has helped you, I'm pleased beyond anything I can say about it. Your uncle, father and friend have been blessed to have you.
Tvad, my heart cries out for the pain you must have felt with your father. I'm so sorry. Still, I'm sure he gave it the best shot he knew how and you will find comfort in that at some time. We're all different and can only do what is possible for each of us. Witnessing a death is being part of the most intimate of personal experiences. Those approaching this point realize it and react according to inner needs. I trust he left these earthly bounds in a way that worked for him. Peace to you.
Wc, you have experienced what we all dread. Coming here and offering comfort to me while reliving your personal tragedy proves to me you have arrived. I'm so sorry for your loss and can only hope that you gained much from your experience. I think so. My role, like your wife's, isn't much fun but deep down I know I've got the easier part. Your suffering continues. May it ease with each passing day. Thank you for your thoughts.
Larry, only a few of us are blessed with friends like you. Not a day goes by that I don't feel the vibes coming my way from Miami. I can't help but smile about the connection with your business and you as a person. What a perfect fit. For those that don't know, Larry is a major importer of flowers. Incredible flowers. Things of rare beauty. I urge you to post the story about your relationship with your growers here for others to read. It's amazing and says volumes about your character. You're probably too humble to do so and it's not my place to out you. Consider, this thread is about all of us, so please share this heartwarming story.
Swampwalker, give your wife a big hug for me. I've been cheering her on. The Taxol is an incredible drug which is responsible for the good times I've enjoyed and I'm so thankful. Thanks to you too for being there for her. And yes, this is an incredible community. Simply amazing.
Mark, your pain comes through clearly. I'm sorry for your struggles. It's hard to witness a loved one endure the poisons, maybe harder than enduring them personally. I have hope but not of this world with me in it in a physical sense. I hope that you can find some comfort within this thread as I have gained comfort here. I hope that you accept whatever the future unfolds in your life for you and your father. Love is the key.
Chad, thanks for your kind words. God's blessings are most welcome in the Lugnut household.
I'll let you guys know what happens at the doc's on Thursday. Wish me luck.
He he. Lance is where he needs to be right now to pull this off!!! Barring some accident history is being made. Go Lance!
I dont know Pat like others here, but he has answered and contributed to some of my questions, also I have learned from Pat in other posts aswell, all I can say is I think about what is going on and keep track of this thread. To Patrick and all involved, thoughts, prayers and admiration, I am sure my words are mostly echoes from far better men than I......but I still felt compelled to add my thoughts. God Bless you and yours Chad M Smith
Pat, it's very hard to read your words especially after I watch many of my keen went the same path through the chemo tortures... Now's the turn for my dad, a very painful part of my heart. Every next one is longer and larger and his right leg is already numb. Do you still have any hopes to get back? Should I have any?
Pat- I can only echo Larry's eloquent words. Every single one of them. In reading that post, I am reminded of Mark Twain's words (I'm paraphrasing here)- "I am sorry that my letter is so long, but I didn't have time to write a shorter one". I think about you several times each day, frustrated that there is nothing concrete I can do for you. And Patrick, don't underestimate your strength, composure and grace. There are many others who have not shown your style. Maybe it will give you some pride to know that I aspire to be half as honest to myself and others, as you have been. Our combined experience here has opened my eyes to the positive power in the internet, FWIW. This is a real "virtual village" here at Audiogon.
WC- I'm sorry for your loss. My wife is one dose ot taxol away from finishing her breast cancer treatment (oops, except for the tamoxifen. Its been easy for me to think that this is the end of her illness; you have reminded me that its just one battle and that I need to focus on living in the present, since the future is a big question mark. This should not take a cancer diagnosis for a loved one to fully appreciate, but sometimes it does.
. Pat, . I read this thread daily and you are in my thoughts and prayers. . We are blessed to have you and for the great gift of sharing you have bestowed on us. You are truly the bravest person I know. Keep the faith. . Talk to you soon. . Warmest Regards, Larry .
Patrick, I've followed this thread very carefully since its' inception and heretofore never posted. Your strength and dignity as you continue fighting, remind me so very much of my wife's unsuccessful battle with breast cancer a few years ago. I just wanted to tell you how much admiration I have for you. You're an inspiration to all.
This is my first post in this thread even though I have been lurking here since Paul started it. Why am I posting? The reason is because you stated, “I just hate to leave things unsaid and undone.” I am the same way and felt moved to write today.
Your journey documented here has shown me your zeal for life, family and friends. It also shows the compassion strangers can have for each other in a way that gives mutual strength to each party. Since this thread began, I have had to endure the passing of my Uncle, who I was very close with because he taught me how to play and win at chess and Jazz music at a very early age, and my father. During both situations when I hit the bottom of my perceived strength, I found your stories and words of advice tucked into my brain. They acted as a friendly security blanket to hold onto providing a calming affect with these loses I struggled through.
Also, during this time my best friend had kidney failure and has had to go on dialysis. In the beginning he did not handle the situation well but something inside of him clicked and he became brave and upbeat. His wife said I was a key player in this turnaround because I was always happy to be with him and encouraging him to keep on keeping on. I was able to provide a great mental attitude when I visited him because of what was shared here by you and others. My friend was told about this friend named “Pat or Lugnut” and the journey he is on. Pat even though we haven’t been introduced you entered part of my life. This means the other thing you posted, “I believe that God uses us to his benefit whenever possible”, came true for family, my friends and me.
The thread and posts made me laugh, cry, get angry at what was happening to you, get educated on all sorts of things and find a new mentor. Thank you Pat and the rest of audiogoners for sharing your thoughts and memories.
Pat, I recall many many posts ago you had asked if someone could capture all of these posts and send them to Barb in booklet form. My wife is in printing and we both want to volunteer to do this if no one else has stepped forward. Let me know my friend.
Pat, Thank you, as always, for your honesty. In spite of the physical death you see, your words carry more life in them than ever before. Truly, I don't even know you, but I can feel you all around. You bring out the best in everyone here. Love, Howard
Pat, I haven't kept up with this thread for about a month due to my computer going on the fritz. The same thing also delayed my sending you the Coltrane disks, about which I feel like a turd after having caught myself up to date here. They are en route and should arrive this week, with a letter enclosed that I'm afraid may in spots sound a bit out of date now vis-a-vis your situation. Be that as it may, you are forewarned: for better or worse, the package is a little bigger than you might expect...
Still, I do so much hope that you will be in the mood sometimes to enjoy the music - when you're not watching the Tour, that is. I didn't make the connection before (and to think that this is Lance's final Tour), but now each day when I watch him ride, you'll be in my mind. I do not post to Audiogon anymore and so haven't been logging on to the Forums since getting my 'pooter scene straightened out week before last, but I promise to keep an eye on this space. Thanks again for everything you've written so far, it has been a gift.
Today has been a tough day for old Lugnut. I've felt I'm breaking down a little bit, crying a lot. WbDillon's (Bill to me) post tore me up and it's hard to explain. Bill and I go back to fourth grade. Bill has been with me in my fight against lymphoma and now stomach cancer. We've done so much together through the years that I can't even recall the highlights anymore. The highlights just don't seem to matter much. What does matter is the time we spent together. What flashes before my minds eye when I think of Bill is him rowing and me fishing. When he said I was lucky, that is an understatement. Fishing could suck for days but when I'd show up they would be turned onto whatever I happened to have tied on. When I would lift my rod too soon and pull the fly out of a trout's mouth Bill would tell me I might have to lose my polaroid glasses. He'd tell me where he saw a huge rise the day before and cheer me on if I dropped a fly in that spot taken by old grandma. The guy would row upstream so I could fetch a fly out of a bush. He is a great mentor and a dear friend.
The situation I'm in now is just so umpredictable. I felt okay for a couple of days after chemo but then I crashed hard. Slept most of the time and have been pretty depressed too. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror any longer. I don't look sick anymore. I look like someone that's going to die. Something about my eyes, I guess. I've come to realize that this process is bringing a lot of pain to people that really care about me and I hate it. I'm not perfect but I most certainly don't like to hurt anyone. I look at my wife, friends and family and know that their hearts are just being ripped out of their chests from this and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I read about me and feel that I'm now in the past tense. That hurts. So, in a few ways I'm weakening. I know I don't need to ask but cut me some slack. Okay?
A good friend from Lincoln, Nebraska, Mickey, called today and he and Steve Smith are coming out soon. These are the guys that came late winter/early spring and rebuilt my brick planters. Hopefully, we'll be able to spend time together listening to music and talking about days gone by. Mick and Steve want to see me while there is something left to see. Mick says it's okay if I can just give them an hour a day. I didn't realize that love does, in fact, hurt so much. I'm loved and it hurts those that love me for what I'm going through and it hurts me that they are having to edure this.
Doug, you and Paul occupy a special place in my heart. I enjoy you because you are comfortable in your skins just as I am in mine. Albert, you've given me more miles of smiles than I'm entitled to. Larry, your faithful calls, caring way and gentle demeanor are special to me. Nate, there's never been anyone at this site who's moniker is further from the real person. You're a sweetheart. Howard, maybe I can send a photo if I can only get enough energy! J.D., there is a bond that only you and I share.
How does one explain Paul? A man that is unselfish, caring, compassionate and gentle. Why would someone I didn't know start this thread? Maybe it's because he's experienced his own personal pain and just hates it that others hurt as well. I prefer to think of it a little differently. I believe that God uses us to his benefit whenever possible. I believe that has been Paul's role in all of this.
Again, cut me some slack. This post has been an especially hard one for me to make and it probably sounds like I'm saying goodbye. I don't think I am but I just hate to leave things unsaid and undone. You just never know. I do dream of making it to the Rocky Mtn. Audio Fest and spending a little time with Frank.
Lance is doing pretty good considering his team is not helping him that much. Keep it up!!
Wbdillon, Thanks for that wonderful rhapsody of your life and times so far with Pat. What a treasury of great experiences.
He has tried to explain Paul Frumkin but that hasnÂ’t worked.
I'm not sure Pat should be held accountable for this. Many of us have the same problem. (Sorry Paul, that was just too good an opening!)
I have never seen Pat blow smoke. I have seen him blow flame a few times, but never smoke.
That sums up the Patrick I know admirably.
The other night I watched 'Bridge on the River Kwai' for the first time in ages. Quite a disturbing film in a number of ways. I mention it here only because William Holden's character immediately brought Patrick to my mind. The package might be a bit rough but the contents are pure: an unshakeable core of common sense, earthy honesty and vital humanity.
Maybe God gives extra time to those he is calling when they are needed to bring about a change in those who are watching and listening?
I wish I'd thought of that myself. Thank you, Albert.
Pat,
I've been following along without posting much. I suppose I couldn't think of much worth saying. I still can't, except to thank you again for continuing to share your journey with all of us, your friends.
Hello and best wishes from both Paul and me. Should we have another chance to meet, we both promise not to treat you like the luscious hunk of meat you are! ;-) We're not concerned about sparing you any embarassment of course. You could handle it. We forbear only out of a proper respect for Barbara's prerogative!
Jadem6's advice and your confirming response remind me of Gandalf's admonishment to Frodo: All who live through difficult times wish that it were otherwise, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to do is choose what to do with the time that is given to us.
A Lugnut hand-me-down in my system is a tradition. Pat has been a friend for 45 years. One of the things we have always shared is a love of music. LugnutÂ’s advice and listening to his system had always been a huge influence upon my system. In the 70Â’s, he had a pair of Klipsch Cornwalls. As soon as I could scrape the money together, I bought a set of HeresyÂ’s. In the 80Â’s, he and my wife decided my system need to be upgraded so she bought his Audionics amp, Audio Research pre-amp and Denon tuner. The tuner is still in my system and the pre-amp was just replaced with a hand-me-down Linn Waconda, bought from guess who. The Waconda is part of a general, once every 20 years, upgrade of my system. Audio is a lot more complicated that I thought it was in the 80Â’s. Pat has patiently explained phono stages, bi-amping, VTA, Anti-cables, Nitty Gritty machines and tube equipment to me. He has tried to explain Paul Frumkin but that hasnÂ’t worked. After several months of three steps forward and two steps backwards, I have ended up with a system modeled after PatÂ’s. He was over to listen July 2 and it won his seal of approval.
If you stacked up the vinyl that Pat and I have listened to together, it would make a really big stack. We basically enjoy the same type of music and are dedicated Neil Young fans. I have a couple of 200 gram vinyl copies of “Greatest Hits” on backorder for us. I wish Neil would get the %#&*/!*^# things pressed. I visit Pat almost every Wednesday and we listen to music in the Purple Haze room. Pat’s listening rooms have always been tastefully done with antiques, comfortable furniture and rock memorabilia. My listening rooms have been “interesting”. One of the first was in the finished attic of an old house in Lincoln. The walls tilted at the same angle as the roof. You could only stand up straight in the middle of the room. It made for interesting acoustics. Ask Pat about my Getting Out of the Army Party we had there. The next listening room was in the spare bedroom of an even older house. The floor was so punky that my turntable was on a platform hung from the ceiling. Otherwise, it would skip whenever anyone walked into the room. Pat happily tolerated the bohemian atmosphere of these rooms and we enjoyed hours of music together.
We enjoy concerts together. (Live Music is Better Bumper Stickers will be Issued) I would love to list all of the concerts we have been to together, but my memory of the ones from the 70Â’s is a little hazy. I know there were a lot but the details of who, what, when and where are kind of up to debate. (You Know How Time Fades Away) Luckily, Boise is a fairly decent concert venue so we have had the opportunity to see Neil Young and Bob Dylan in the last few years.
Some of the posts in January were comments on the picture of Pat and Barb. Shventus called Barb a lovely lady. That is an understatement of biblical proportion. She is one of the sweetest people I know. She has fed me, talked to me, listened to me, been a gracious hostess and tolerated me for at least 30 years. I remember a 20-something Barb in a white bikini. I know Pat didnÂ’t marry her just for her looks. But if he had, it would have been a great decision.
Audio is just one of Lugnut’s many talents. He has done some beautiful woodwork. He designed small record racks that hold about 20 albums. Just perfect for the “Now Playing List.” I have one and it is one of my most prized possessions. Simple, effective and attractive. He also has completely repaired and re-upholstered furniture.
Pat is a fine mechanic and has been a hot-rodder most of his life. He morphed a Chevy Nova from a quiet sedan into a fire-breathing dragster. It was street legal, could pop a wheelie at the drag strip but looked stock from 50 feet away. Until he started it. The first time I heard it idle, I looked at the front wheels because I was convinced one of them had to come off the ground every time a cylinder fired. Pat also had a Harley. He didnÂ’t have to do much to it because it was right the first time.
Photography is another of LugnutÂ’s skills. He seems to have the knack for framing just the right shot. He was a pro real estate photographer for a time. Even before that, his talent with a camera was obvious.
Pat moved to Idaho in October, 1987, after visiting me several times. One of the attractions here is fly fishing. Lugnut has excellent hand-eye coordination so he became a good caster and fly fisher very quickly. Plus, he is just plain lucky. We have had some interesting adventures on the Boise River. Sometimes it was so late when we quit fishing that one of us had to hang over the bow of my drift boat and feel the way to camp. Pat bought his own drift boat and tricked it out. It was effective, attractive and a lot of bang for the buck.
This thread is evidence that you A-goners have enjoyed what I have enjoyed the most about 45 years with Pat---his advice and counsel. The audio advice you have appreciated is just the tip of the iceberg. Whenever I needed help with vehicles, photography, home repair, audio or topics that I canÂ’t even remember, I went to Pat. His advice was always clear and well thought out. If he didnÂ’t know the answer, he said so. PatÂ’s attitude is what made him a successful salesman. He didnÂ’t sell something he would not own himself, he was technically knowledgeable about what he sold and he never blew smoke at customers. It took most customers about 30 seconds to figure this out and Pat sold lots of stuff. I have never seen Pat blow smoke. I have seen him blow flame a few times, but never smoke.
Idaho was the home of a semi-famous outdoor writer, Elmer Keith. One of his books is titled “Hell, I was There.” Well, I’ve been there when Pat started receiving the messages in this thread and the other things so many of you have generously provided. I can tell you from first hand experience how thankful and appreciative Pat is and what a profound impact you had on Old Lugnut. Vetterone, Mick Maun, Michael, Shawn, Jim, Ron, Tom, Patti and others have been wonderful. I especially want to recognize Paul Frumkin for starting this thread and for his other efforts.
Albert you got it right. Pat, you are a wise and yet approachable teacher. Your time is to be spent doing the good work you are doing here. Thank you for being our mentor my friend.
Sure, maybe a heart attack or fatal stroke would be easier to endure but remember that you won't have the time to make things right if that is how God chooses to take you home.
Maybe God gives extra time to those he is calling when they are needed to bring about a change in those who are watching and listening?
Maybe yesterday's post was a little too matter of fact. I did the chemo today and seem okay with it. I do hope it helps. I'd love to feel well enough to go to the Audio Fest and get to spend some time again with Frank. Besides, there would probably be a bunch of you guys there that I haven't yet met.
I'd like you guys to keep this thing in perspective. I'm not miserable. I'm uncomfortable at times and a lot of things that are unique to cancer and the various medications cause me some grief but it's not that big a deal. Honest. If this was just some sickness in passing then it would be no big deal to wait it out and get better. I can rise to the occassion whenever the phone rings or I have a visitor. I still enjoy both. Left to my own devices by myself I just want to lay down and rest. In better times I'd be listening and cleaning vinyl if nothing else.
I've reduced my list of things to do to a very short and do-able one. So, I'm going to stop feeling miserable about not finishing things up. I'm also growing up some. Meaning that I'm not responsible for things the cancer either makes me do or not do.
Remember to not take today for granted. Make the most of it and reach out to someone you love NOW! Those of you that have followed this thread closely must realize that my circumstances have made it possible for me to mend fences, reaffirm love and find peace. Sure, maybe a heart attack or fatal stroke would be easier to endure but remember that you won't have the time to make things right if that is how God chooses to take you home. Make things right for yourself and others now while you have time. Life will be more robust and pleasurable for doing so. I don't want to preach to you about this and I certianly don't want to come across as some old guru sitting on a hilltop. It's just that the things I speak of have unfolded for me and I want very much for you to gain from this. You won't be taking one single thing with you when you go but you'll be leaving a lot behind. Let your legacy be one that made peace.
I had to resume the pain meds on Sunday so I'm not going to write a lot. I'm sort of ripped from it but after a few days I'll not be having that benefit. S*#t.
Went to the doc today and will begin another chemo regimine tomorrow afternoon. This drug is Irinotecan (Camptosar). It should help as long as my body doesn't have a negative reaction to it. Don't know and didn't ask how long it might work. I did ask how long I would have if I did no drugs. With sadness on his face he said, "Two months". I think those two words should give you guys a pretty good indication of how I'm doing. For two days now I have successfully controlled most of the pain. During this time I haven't listened to any music. Albert called, Frank Shroder called and Larry Howkins called. I enjoyed talking to each of them so I still have some zest for life. Of course, Barb is still very interesting.
I have been away from the site for a week or so, and had not read your post from the 28th. I wish I would have read it earlier, but now is better than never.
I full understand your feelings on this one. Letting go of the control over your life is hard, but believe me, you never had it. God never actually gave you the wheel of the car, you just thought he did. I learned this 25 years ago when I went through treatment for alcoholism. It took me years to learn how to stop trying to drive my life, but I did figure it out. I have learned to ask God for the ability to except and grow/learn from the life that IÂ’m living. He by the way is not driving either, life is an experience, and we are all part of that experience. The experience is that of living within the creation God made. We enter life (the experiencing of the creation) as individual souls. The life that opens before us is the experience we are having. It ebbs and flows, like a river. Some times we get stuck in one place like an eddy, other times our lives flow quite quickly. At no time does the water or God control the river, but events around it may cause change. If it rains upstream, the increased flow could change quite a bit of the structure of the river, but no one controls the outcome.
My life is like that. I can no more control my health or my reaction to events than I can control the sun from rising. In fact when I look back on the times I was in fact driving, I can see they coincide with some of the biggest mistakes IÂ’ve made in life. What I try to do is not ask for a direction or outcome, but rather the strength to carry on with what I am faced with. If I had chosen not to except and grow, I would have taken my life long ago.
What you are living through is unimaginable and unthinkable for all of us. You can not control the disease, but you can learn to move forward with it. Yes you may lose interest in a lot of things, maybe everything. ThatÂ’s ok; you are initialed to these feelings. The point is you wake up each day and do the best you can. If that is not up to your self imposed standard, oh well! Accept it, this is the best you can do. No one expects any more from you than that which you can give. Acceptance is hard for someone as active as you are. Ask for that strength, to except where you are. You may not feel your doing well, or that you are not being as important a piece of others life as before. But in fact that is not at all accurate. Sense your illness struck you, which you clearly were not controlling, you have become the beacon so many are drawn to. As Kelly wrote, you became an ancient tree, sprouted from a place only a few had seen. Now you have grown to become visible to all of us, world wide!
The fact is, you have not been controlling the direction of your life for a very long time, and during this time you have enriched hundreds of lives. In that vane, you would be grateful for the wonderful gift your life has become. What I have recently learned is itÂ’s ok to be grateful and angry at the same time, over the same thing.
I grieve for my lost physical abilities, IÂ’m angry for my limitations, IÂ’m lonely in my pain, IÂ’m scared of the unknown and yet IÂ’m grateful for the things I have. Family, friends, God and the profound impact my life has had on so many people. Rejoice in the gifts you give every day, for you are the blessed one.
"Women always want to know what we're thinking. They always want to know what's going on up there in our heads while we're just sitting there, being quiet. Uh...nothing." --Jerry Seinfeld
"Man's best friend is his dog because he always wants his friends to be dummer than he is. Women want the same thing, too. But that's why they have men." --Bill Engvall
Sometimes I am really touched by the utter honesty of you guys. Bin, to realize that even though we don't know each other in the classic sense, your caring shows me in a most intimate way how most of us have connected though this incredible thread.
I regularly get a daytime call from one of my fellow club members. He's a really nice guy and we have many things other than audio in common. His wife is sweet, caring and kind. She loves to backpack, bird watch, fly fish and has one of the quickest ears regarding minute audio changes I've ever known. She's a real joy. He's very much married and after all these years he too loves his wife like I love mine. Tom had commented to me shortly after we first met that one of my early remarks to him was about how much I love my wife and enjoy her. Those thoughts that just fell out of my mouth without any consideration meant a great deal to him. During our last converstaion I mentioned how much the men in my life have shown their love and compassion toward me. I made one of those classic Lugnut remarks about women not having the market cornered on feelings. I don't remember what exactly was said but I got the feeling that his sweet wife might think that men are less emotionally complete than women. I directed him to this thread asking to have Patty read just how caring, loving and compassionate men are. Through experience I've found that shallowness is pretty evenly distributed between the sexes. Patty, I hope you've read this entire thread and have come to understand that men are deep and kind. Heck, I'd always considered myself unique in this regard until this thread. Either I enjoy the company of other goofballs here or our gender has been vindicated, LOL.
Lance is off to a great start. I'm really rooting for him. Like a lot of other gifts I've received through my illness, the time to really pay attention to the Tour as it unfolds is one of the more exciting. Win or lose he is giving us all a lesson in the value of living life large.
The main reason I visit Audiogon is to check on you. I usualy log on numerous times during the day. Both hoping for and dreading to see a post by you. I will sit and stare at the thread not wanting to open it.... cause I dont want to hear that things arent looking good. You have come to mean a lot to me you see and I want to think of you laughing and living and loving life not hurting and going through this. For I am selfish and draw from your strength and love of life. I find myself silently weeping both for joy and sadness as I read along. Still lighting the candle.
I haven't been posting much on Audiogon lately, but I have been reading this thread regularly.
You are a rare guy, Pat. This is an inspiration to us all, and we'll all face somthing like this in our own lives someday, even if it is a different disease or whatever.
Oh, and you're in for a treat if you do come. Amoeba Records in SF (and Berkeley) is phenomenal. And I promise, as much as my wife cries in longing each time we pass by the massive IKEA furniture store, I won't make you go. For my own selfish reasons, of course.
SF & Berkeley, some of the best eats anywhere...I guarantee that!
Pat, That is one hilarious story. Maybe you were unwittingly the protagonist in the SF version of "The Truman (Capote) Show"
Don't worry. When we go to SF, I'll make sure we're scoping in on the REAL women. I've got a trained eye for that sort of thing. I guess you know what it's like pass by a construction site, all that hootin' & hollerin'. I'm still laughing...
Pat, if it's any consolation, I've always thought of you as a piece of meat... : ) JK! Everytime you tell a story, it makes me think I haven't lived much by comparison!!!
One time I tried to visit Fisherman's Warf in San Francisco. This was in 1976. My sister was married to a Navy man stationed north of town. Here I was, a 26 year old Nebraska boy with my wife of three years taking care of my nineteen year old sister and her equally young new mate. We drove down to the the warf area looking for a place to park our car. Parking was impossible close by so I began the routine of driving further and further away figuring we could walk any distance back and forth. After I began the zig zag unphill looking for parking I found a parking lot in the middle of a block with no signs prohibiting it's use. The four of us unloaded from the car and locked it up. After making sure the car was locked and again looking for any indication that I wasn't supposed to park there we turned to step onto the sidewalk. Directly across the street a merchant was clearly visible behind the counter of his shop, both doors being held wide open. This guy was leaning on the counter with both elbows spread wide, his hands holding his head up. Directly above his head, like a mounted trophy fish, was a double headed dildo about four feet long, extremely detailed like its organic counterpart. Hmmm. Okay, I figure that porn shops are normal but a little taken aback at this public display of his wares. Onto the sidewalk we stepped. After walking about twenty feet a door flew open in front of us and a body came tumbling out. Picking himself up in record time this guy comes right up to me with his face about six inches in front of mine and says, "Don't go in there. They turn you on and won't let you do anything about it!" I must have just looked at him in stunned silence so he left. We proceeded to walk a few feet when I saw two of the most gorgeous, drop dead looking women I've ever seen, dressed like they were going to a ball or something walking toward us from the crosswalk at the end of the block. Big hair, low cut, slinky dresses with tons of cleavage exposed and thigh high slits in their evening gowns was how they were dressed. At a half block away and even with the distraction of how they were dressed I could see their faces were made up like movie stars. Man, these two were incredible. As the distance between us decreased I was even more impressed until my eyes stopped concentrating on their faces AND chests. And, what wonderful chests they had too. I was really taking them in from head to toe until I realized they had buldges between their legs. In shock at the sight and utterly confused these two, ummmm women, walked right up to the four of us and asked if we would all like to have sex with them. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK. That was more than this poor little old country boy could take! Feeling responsible for the entire group I hurried us back to the car and left San Francisco pronto. At least as pronto as one can do in a Datsun B 210.
Am I in for more of that if I come over Howard?
This was a very memoral trip. I took a glider ride in Fairfield. It was in the middle of the drought so the thermals were incredible. The pilot was sixteen and his Dad was up at the time trying to set a distance record in a glider. He was pumped up and so was I. I asked him if he'd put the thing through its paces for me and that question parlayed a twenty minute ride to one lasting nearly and hour and a half doing everything I can imagine one can do to make it exciting. I loved it. Still, that didn't get my heart pounding the way it was in San Francisco. Never again have I felt like a piece of fresh meat.
Lance says that he wants to be remembered first as a cancer survivor, because that has shaped his life more than anything else. He certainly would never have won the Tour de France had he not gotten cancer. He didn't have the body, and he certainly didn't have the mind, not for a three-week stage race. Thank you for sharing all of your powerful perspectives, Pat. It's amazing how an experience like yours, when expressed so eloquently, can bring such a richness to all of us who have only these threads as our history with you.
We will have to make sure that Dean and Tvad (Grant) make the trip up if you come for a visit. Now that would be a real treat. Have you been to San Francisco? Nothing like a sunny day on the beach at the Marina, with the Golden Gate overpowering the view just to our left.
I will be rooting for Lance big time. It's funny how his cancer actually changed his body so that he is a better rider. Proof that good things come out of what seems to be bad events. Something really good is going to come out of what is happening to me too. I don't know what it is, and I may never know, but it will happen. It's obvious that this thread has had a large impact of many of us. I've gained so much and I think that maybe a lot of people have experienced getting kicked around by life through me without having gone through anything so profound themselves. Others have shared their own previous and current heartaches. It should be obvious by now that we need not be lonely. We need to also keep in mind the perfect balance we've been given. At times grief may seem overwhelming, encompassing our entire existence, but so many wonderful things happen to us during our time here on earth. Let's just forget about the trials and tribulations I'm experiencing and get behind a cycling legend.
If I can actually come see you do you think Dean would make his green, oddly shaped head appear for pleasure as well? I haven't heard from him in a long time and wonder how he's doing with his new job. I bet he misses fixing up those world class bossoms he previously worked on.
Pat, How is it possible that the Tour de France starts tomorrow, and while all eyes will be on Lance (going for his 7th straight victory), I won't be able to stop thinking about you climbing up those mountains? You've had that much of an impact on me.
Enjoy your weekend, and please do consider the invitation. All the best, Howard
Oh man, Pat. 2nd and 3rd sentence got me thinking that this would be one of those feel good pieces about the hard-working doc bringing some good news. Sweet dream, but a dream nonetheless. At least for now. I know you have developed a good relationship with your oncologist and he has given you some real relief the last few months. It must have been very tough on the two of you, and your wife and family as well. From your words, it sounds like you may be considering either experimental or alternative therapy. To say that I wish you luck in whichever path you choose (or choose not to take) is an understatement. At times like this I wish I was a religous guy and could offer my prayers for you and your family. That's not the case for me, although you know that there are plenty here who will be doing that. I sincerely hope that they are right and I am wrong and the prayers provide you and them some comfort. Please forgive me for rambling- have a great weekend; enjoy your family and wife and know that I will be thinking of you all.
Thank you all for your kind words. Friday at 6 pm on a holiday weekend I get a call from my oncologist. He had just read the radiologist's report about my CT scan. I am back to where I was prior to beginning the Taxol. Everything I already knew has been confirmed. There is considerable fluid build up and tumors are clearly visible. He commented that the quantity of involvement is substantial. It's everywhere. I really don't think there is any option left that is approved as standard protocol. Radiation will not help. This is charting new territory for yours truly. Have a great weekend guys, I'm going to. A listening session tomorrow and a friends birthday party. Sunday will be a day of celebrating Scott's second birthday. Haven't made plans for the 4th yet. Barb and I alone would be as nice as anthing I can think of.
I believe you are a tree. Deeply rooted in fecund earth, with ever-green branches providing shelter and shade for all those who surround you. You are, I think, also like those ancient trees whose seeds are spread only when, every century or so, they are seemingly consumed by fire. Somewhere, some time, perhaps decades from now, a new tree will sprout unexpectedly from your seed and like its parent, Lugnut, become recognized as an everlasting symbol of hope
I receive a great deal of comfort from you guys. Probably much more than you realize. Since this thread began I have had mixed emotions about my good fortune contrasted with so many people out there with little or no support in similar circumstances. I'm a very lucky guy.
I think I'm beginning to get a grip on my emotions. I'm simply grieving in advance for losses that won't matter one whit when they occurr. My love for family, friends and music define who I am. To an extent they define what I am as well, at least partially. A lot of what makes up Lugnut is confined to electrical impulses firing off in a sequence unique to me. My beliefs, feelings, passions, anger, outrage, respect, admiration and perceptions make up what I am and the people and things I love are the fruit growing from those roots. In a perfect life that is nearing its end I would prefer to hold everything I've described above close until I've drawn my last breath. Even in circumstances like mine there are exceptions to the process I'll likely go through and maybe I will be one of the few lucky ones. Sadly, the realization that each and every one of the things I've described will, most likely, drop away one by one while I'm still of this earth.
This process reminds me of a neighbors tree that looses its leaves very late in the year. I don't know what kind of tree it is but it reluctantly gives up its leaves to the season. In years past I've watched this process with humor and amazement, commenting to Barb about the stubborness this tree posesses. Each year, even as new buds are turning into fresh green leaves there is a single dried up, old brown leaf clinging to its branch somewhere near the top. I'm a lot like this tree. I want so much to have all that makes up my life cling to me as stubbornly as I've held onto them in better times. It's through this comparison that I've come to realize that even when my essence cannot hold on the leaves of my life will still cling to me.
You guys are a big part of it. I do know that the most faithful of you will still be a part of me long after I'm gone and this has brought me a great deal of comfort over the last two days. I've known a lot of shallow folks in my life that would ridicule someone like me for daring to compare my life to a tree. The comtempt reserved for that type of person is replaced by sorrow for their hollow lives. I know you guys better than that and trust you to have the insight to grasp the subtle message I've tried so hard to convey.
So, what am I doing now, you might ask? Well, here's how yesterday shaped up. I had the mid-day CT scan followed by a listening session visit of a club member. I had recently assisted him in installing a new cartridge on his old Denon turntable and he was thrilled with what he heard. Another of our club members had urged him to come over and listen to what a modest but well tuned table could provide. I think he was moved and hope that the dormant vinyl library he has is put to future use. Next, a dear old friend of 45 years came by for help terminating his new speaker cables. You see, he has duplicated my system and is now just receiving all the bits and pieces. What a compliment. A blues bar friend and her daughter then came over bearing gifts. Eat your hearts out. I now own the Beatles doll set and bobble heads. The doll set consists of stand up dolls about two feet tall with instruments even with a fifth member of Peter Best, although without stand. Later the friend that I've been building a system for stopped by to fill me in on the construction of his new music room. These are the things Lugnut is doing and I cannot see the pace lightening up. Maybe if I have no time to be sick I will keep this nastiness at bay. Yeah, I know, I'm a dreamer.
Today, tomorrow and all of this holiday weekend will be at this same pace, the high point being Scott turns two on Saturday. I'm pretty certain that he will have a few short memories of his grandpa to live with him later in life. That's my hope anyway.
Whether your posts are as insightful and poetic as what Tobias has written or simply saying you're thinking of me I appreciate every one. You guys honestly make this process much easier than going it alone. Thanks again.
Your honesty and sharing has personally enriched my humanity. You will never be alone when sharing this experience with us all to the degree you have. Thank you so much, you have my humble gratitute.
And Tobias to you, thank you for your most thoughtful words. They really struck a major chord with me.
I am a man of few words, a few very close friends. But now I feel like I belong to a big family that has come together in support of one another. I am in awe of all of you and I am thankful to be a part of this family.
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