Many of us have come to know Patrick Malone (Lugnut) as a friendly, helpful, knowledgeable and kind individual. He is a frequent and enthusiastic contributor to our analog discussion forum. He has initiated only 17 threads, but responded to 559 threads. I would guess that many, if not most, of us can recall a time when Pat replied with helpful advice to a question we posted or helped us track down a rare recording. I have come to love Pat as a friend, and to respect him as a man, and I suspect many of you share those feelings.
Today I write to share difficult news with you. Pat has been diagnosed with an aggressive stomach cancer. It has yet to be determined whether surgery will even be worth it. If surgery is performed, most or all of the stomach will be removed, and Pat would face a difficult and long post-op period in the hospital. The medical course is still uncertain, but will be determined soon. Whatever is decided, it will not be easy or pleasant.
Something may be planned in the future to assist the family. For now, Pat could use some of the friendship he so often and willingly showed us. You can email Pat at: lugnut50@msn.com. You can also mail cards, letters ... or whatever. You may email me for Pat's mailing address. My email is: pfrumkin1@comcast.net.
I hope to spend a few days with Pat in Idaho or Nebraska (from which he hails) soon. Between this news, my legal work, getting ready for family arriving for the holidays, Audio Intelligent, and trying to make plans to visit Pat, my head is spinning. If you email me and I don't respond, please understand that I am not ignoring you, but rather simply do not have time to reply.
Pat may or may not have time to respond to posts here, to emails, or to cards mailed to him. But he has asked me to convey to each and every one of you that he has cherished your friendship, your comradery, and sharing our common hobby on this great website.
As we prepare for our holiday season celebrations, and look forward to -- as we should -- enjoying this time of year, I ask that you keep Pat and his family in mind ... and softly offer up, in quiet moments in the still of night and early morning, prayers for Pat and his family. God bless.
I will be rooting for Lance big time. It's funny how his cancer actually changed his body so that he is a better rider. Proof that good things come out of what seems to be bad events. Something really good is going to come out of what is happening to me too. I don't know what it is, and I may never know, but it will happen. It's obvious that this thread has had a large impact of many of us. I've gained so much and I think that maybe a lot of people have experienced getting kicked around by life through me without having gone through anything so profound themselves. Others have shared their own previous and current heartaches. It should be obvious by now that we need not be lonely. We need to also keep in mind the perfect balance we've been given. At times grief may seem overwhelming, encompassing our entire existence, but so many wonderful things happen to us during our time here on earth. Let's just forget about the trials and tribulations I'm experiencing and get behind a cycling legend.
If I can actually come see you do you think Dean would make his green, oddly shaped head appear for pleasure as well? I haven't heard from him in a long time and wonder how he's doing with his new job. I bet he misses fixing up those world class bossoms he previously worked on.
Lance says that he wants to be remembered first as a cancer survivor, because that has shaped his life more than anything else. He certainly would never have won the Tour de France had he not gotten cancer. He didn't have the body, and he certainly didn't have the mind, not for a three-week stage race. Thank you for sharing all of your powerful perspectives, Pat. It's amazing how an experience like yours, when expressed so eloquently, can bring such a richness to all of us who have only these threads as our history with you.
We will have to make sure that Dean and Tvad (Grant) make the trip up if you come for a visit. Now that would be a real treat. Have you been to San Francisco? Nothing like a sunny day on the beach at the Marina, with the Golden Gate overpowering the view just to our left.
One time I tried to visit Fisherman's Warf in San Francisco. This was in 1976. My sister was married to a Navy man stationed north of town. Here I was, a 26 year old Nebraska boy with my wife of three years taking care of my nineteen year old sister and her equally young new mate. We drove down to the the warf area looking for a place to park our car. Parking was impossible close by so I began the routine of driving further and further away figuring we could walk any distance back and forth. After I began the zig zag unphill looking for parking I found a parking lot in the middle of a block with no signs prohibiting it's use. The four of us unloaded from the car and locked it up. After making sure the car was locked and again looking for any indication that I wasn't supposed to park there we turned to step onto the sidewalk. Directly across the street a merchant was clearly visible behind the counter of his shop, both doors being held wide open. This guy was leaning on the counter with both elbows spread wide, his hands holding his head up. Directly above his head, like a mounted trophy fish, was a double headed dildo about four feet long, extremely detailed like its organic counterpart. Hmmm. Okay, I figure that porn shops are normal but a little taken aback at this public display of his wares. Onto the sidewalk we stepped. After walking about twenty feet a door flew open in front of us and a body came tumbling out. Picking himself up in record time this guy comes right up to me with his face about six inches in front of mine and says, "Don't go in there. They turn you on and won't let you do anything about it!" I must have just looked at him in stunned silence so he left. We proceeded to walk a few feet when I saw two of the most gorgeous, drop dead looking women I've ever seen, dressed like they were going to a ball or something walking toward us from the crosswalk at the end of the block. Big hair, low cut, slinky dresses with tons of cleavage exposed and thigh high slits in their evening gowns was how they were dressed. At a half block away and even with the distraction of how they were dressed I could see their faces were made up like movie stars. Man, these two were incredible. As the distance between us decreased I was even more impressed until my eyes stopped concentrating on their faces AND chests. And, what wonderful chests they had too. I was really taking them in from head to toe until I realized they had buldges between their legs. In shock at the sight and utterly confused these two, ummmm women, walked right up to the four of us and asked if we would all like to have sex with them. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK. That was more than this poor little old country boy could take! Feeling responsible for the entire group I hurried us back to the car and left San Francisco pronto. At least as pronto as one can do in a Datsun B 210.
Am I in for more of that if I come over Howard?
This was a very memoral trip. I took a glider ride in Fairfield. It was in the middle of the drought so the thermals were incredible. The pilot was sixteen and his Dad was up at the time trying to set a distance record in a glider. He was pumped up and so was I. I asked him if he'd put the thing through its paces for me and that question parlayed a twenty minute ride to one lasting nearly and hour and a half doing everything I can imagine one can do to make it exciting. I loved it. Still, that didn't get my heart pounding the way it was in San Francisco. Never again have I felt like a piece of fresh meat.
Pat, if it's any consolation, I've always thought of you as a piece of meat... : ) JK! Everytime you tell a story, it makes me think I haven't lived much by comparison!!!
Pat, That is one hilarious story. Maybe you were unwittingly the protagonist in the SF version of "The Truman (Capote) Show"
Don't worry. When we go to SF, I'll make sure we're scoping in on the REAL women. I've got a trained eye for that sort of thing. I guess you know what it's like pass by a construction site, all that hootin' & hollerin'. I'm still laughing...
Oh, and you're in for a treat if you do come. Amoeba Records in SF (and Berkeley) is phenomenal. And I promise, as much as my wife cries in longing each time we pass by the massive IKEA furniture store, I won't make you go. For my own selfish reasons, of course.
SF & Berkeley, some of the best eats anywhere...I guarantee that!
I haven't been posting much on Audiogon lately, but I have been reading this thread regularly.
You are a rare guy, Pat. This is an inspiration to us all, and we'll all face somthing like this in our own lives someday, even if it is a different disease or whatever.
The main reason I visit Audiogon is to check on you. I usualy log on numerous times during the day. Both hoping for and dreading to see a post by you. I will sit and stare at the thread not wanting to open it.... cause I dont want to hear that things arent looking good. You have come to mean a lot to me you see and I want to think of you laughing and living and loving life not hurting and going through this. For I am selfish and draw from your strength and love of life. I find myself silently weeping both for joy and sadness as I read along. Still lighting the candle.
Sometimes I am really touched by the utter honesty of you guys. Bin, to realize that even though we don't know each other in the classic sense, your caring shows me in a most intimate way how most of us have connected though this incredible thread.
I regularly get a daytime call from one of my fellow club members. He's a really nice guy and we have many things other than audio in common. His wife is sweet, caring and kind. She loves to backpack, bird watch, fly fish and has one of the quickest ears regarding minute audio changes I've ever known. She's a real joy. He's very much married and after all these years he too loves his wife like I love mine. Tom had commented to me shortly after we first met that one of my early remarks to him was about how much I love my wife and enjoy her. Those thoughts that just fell out of my mouth without any consideration meant a great deal to him. During our last converstaion I mentioned how much the men in my life have shown their love and compassion toward me. I made one of those classic Lugnut remarks about women not having the market cornered on feelings. I don't remember what exactly was said but I got the feeling that his sweet wife might think that men are less emotionally complete than women. I directed him to this thread asking to have Patty read just how caring, loving and compassionate men are. Through experience I've found that shallowness is pretty evenly distributed between the sexes. Patty, I hope you've read this entire thread and have come to understand that men are deep and kind. Heck, I'd always considered myself unique in this regard until this thread. Either I enjoy the company of other goofballs here or our gender has been vindicated, LOL.
Lance is off to a great start. I'm really rooting for him. Like a lot of other gifts I've received through my illness, the time to really pay attention to the Tour as it unfolds is one of the more exciting. Win or lose he is giving us all a lesson in the value of living life large.
"Women always want to know what we're thinking. They always want to know what's going on up there in our heads while we're just sitting there, being quiet. Uh...nothing." --Jerry Seinfeld
"Man's best friend is his dog because he always wants his friends to be dummer than he is. Women want the same thing, too. But that's why they have men." --Bill Engvall
I have been away from the site for a week or so, and had not read your post from the 28th. I wish I would have read it earlier, but now is better than never.
I full understand your feelings on this one. Letting go of the control over your life is hard, but believe me, you never had it. God never actually gave you the wheel of the car, you just thought he did. I learned this 25 years ago when I went through treatment for alcoholism. It took me years to learn how to stop trying to drive my life, but I did figure it out. I have learned to ask God for the ability to except and grow/learn from the life that IÂ’m living. He by the way is not driving either, life is an experience, and we are all part of that experience. The experience is that of living within the creation God made. We enter life (the experiencing of the creation) as individual souls. The life that opens before us is the experience we are having. It ebbs and flows, like a river. Some times we get stuck in one place like an eddy, other times our lives flow quite quickly. At no time does the water or God control the river, but events around it may cause change. If it rains upstream, the increased flow could change quite a bit of the structure of the river, but no one controls the outcome.
My life is like that. I can no more control my health or my reaction to events than I can control the sun from rising. In fact when I look back on the times I was in fact driving, I can see they coincide with some of the biggest mistakes IÂ’ve made in life. What I try to do is not ask for a direction or outcome, but rather the strength to carry on with what I am faced with. If I had chosen not to except and grow, I would have taken my life long ago.
What you are living through is unimaginable and unthinkable for all of us. You can not control the disease, but you can learn to move forward with it. Yes you may lose interest in a lot of things, maybe everything. ThatÂ’s ok; you are initialed to these feelings. The point is you wake up each day and do the best you can. If that is not up to your self imposed standard, oh well! Accept it, this is the best you can do. No one expects any more from you than that which you can give. Acceptance is hard for someone as active as you are. Ask for that strength, to except where you are. You may not feel your doing well, or that you are not being as important a piece of others life as before. But in fact that is not at all accurate. Sense your illness struck you, which you clearly were not controlling, you have become the beacon so many are drawn to. As Kelly wrote, you became an ancient tree, sprouted from a place only a few had seen. Now you have grown to become visible to all of us, world wide!
The fact is, you have not been controlling the direction of your life for a very long time, and during this time you have enriched hundreds of lives. In that vane, you would be grateful for the wonderful gift your life has become. What I have recently learned is itÂ’s ok to be grateful and angry at the same time, over the same thing.
I grieve for my lost physical abilities, IÂ’m angry for my limitations, IÂ’m lonely in my pain, IÂ’m scared of the unknown and yet IÂ’m grateful for the things I have. Family, friends, God and the profound impact my life has had on so many people. Rejoice in the gifts you give every day, for you are the blessed one.
I had to resume the pain meds on Sunday so I'm not going to write a lot. I'm sort of ripped from it but after a few days I'll not be having that benefit. S*#t.
Went to the doc today and will begin another chemo regimine tomorrow afternoon. This drug is Irinotecan (Camptosar). It should help as long as my body doesn't have a negative reaction to it. Don't know and didn't ask how long it might work. I did ask how long I would have if I did no drugs. With sadness on his face he said, "Two months". I think those two words should give you guys a pretty good indication of how I'm doing. For two days now I have successfully controlled most of the pain. During this time I haven't listened to any music. Albert called, Frank Shroder called and Larry Howkins called. I enjoyed talking to each of them so I still have some zest for life. Of course, Barb is still very interesting.
Maybe yesterday's post was a little too matter of fact. I did the chemo today and seem okay with it. I do hope it helps. I'd love to feel well enough to go to the Audio Fest and get to spend some time again with Frank. Besides, there would probably be a bunch of you guys there that I haven't yet met.
I'd like you guys to keep this thing in perspective. I'm not miserable. I'm uncomfortable at times and a lot of things that are unique to cancer and the various medications cause me some grief but it's not that big a deal. Honest. If this was just some sickness in passing then it would be no big deal to wait it out and get better. I can rise to the occassion whenever the phone rings or I have a visitor. I still enjoy both. Left to my own devices by myself I just want to lay down and rest. In better times I'd be listening and cleaning vinyl if nothing else.
I've reduced my list of things to do to a very short and do-able one. So, I'm going to stop feeling miserable about not finishing things up. I'm also growing up some. Meaning that I'm not responsible for things the cancer either makes me do or not do.
Remember to not take today for granted. Make the most of it and reach out to someone you love NOW! Those of you that have followed this thread closely must realize that my circumstances have made it possible for me to mend fences, reaffirm love and find peace. Sure, maybe a heart attack or fatal stroke would be easier to endure but remember that you won't have the time to make things right if that is how God chooses to take you home. Make things right for yourself and others now while you have time. Life will be more robust and pleasurable for doing so. I don't want to preach to you about this and I certianly don't want to come across as some old guru sitting on a hilltop. It's just that the things I speak of have unfolded for me and I want very much for you to gain from this. You won't be taking one single thing with you when you go but you'll be leaving a lot behind. Let your legacy be one that made peace.
Sure, maybe a heart attack or fatal stroke would be easier to endure but remember that you won't have the time to make things right if that is how God chooses to take you home.
Maybe God gives extra time to those he is calling when they are needed to bring about a change in those who are watching and listening?
Albert you got it right. Pat, you are a wise and yet approachable teacher. Your time is to be spent doing the good work you are doing here. Thank you for being our mentor my friend.
A Lugnut hand-me-down in my system is a tradition. Pat has been a friend for 45 years. One of the things we have always shared is a love of music. LugnutÂ’s advice and listening to his system had always been a huge influence upon my system. In the 70Â’s, he had a pair of Klipsch Cornwalls. As soon as I could scrape the money together, I bought a set of HeresyÂ’s. In the 80Â’s, he and my wife decided my system need to be upgraded so she bought his Audionics amp, Audio Research pre-amp and Denon tuner. The tuner is still in my system and the pre-amp was just replaced with a hand-me-down Linn Waconda, bought from guess who. The Waconda is part of a general, once every 20 years, upgrade of my system. Audio is a lot more complicated that I thought it was in the 80Â’s. Pat has patiently explained phono stages, bi-amping, VTA, Anti-cables, Nitty Gritty machines and tube equipment to me. He has tried to explain Paul Frumkin but that hasnÂ’t worked. After several months of three steps forward and two steps backwards, I have ended up with a system modeled after PatÂ’s. He was over to listen July 2 and it won his seal of approval.
If you stacked up the vinyl that Pat and I have listened to together, it would make a really big stack. We basically enjoy the same type of music and are dedicated Neil Young fans. I have a couple of 200 gram vinyl copies of “Greatest Hits” on backorder for us. I wish Neil would get the %#&*/!*^# things pressed. I visit Pat almost every Wednesday and we listen to music in the Purple Haze room. Pat’s listening rooms have always been tastefully done with antiques, comfortable furniture and rock memorabilia. My listening rooms have been “interesting”. One of the first was in the finished attic of an old house in Lincoln. The walls tilted at the same angle as the roof. You could only stand up straight in the middle of the room. It made for interesting acoustics. Ask Pat about my Getting Out of the Army Party we had there. The next listening room was in the spare bedroom of an even older house. The floor was so punky that my turntable was on a platform hung from the ceiling. Otherwise, it would skip whenever anyone walked into the room. Pat happily tolerated the bohemian atmosphere of these rooms and we enjoyed hours of music together.
We enjoy concerts together. (Live Music is Better Bumper Stickers will be Issued) I would love to list all of the concerts we have been to together, but my memory of the ones from the 70Â’s is a little hazy. I know there were a lot but the details of who, what, when and where are kind of up to debate. (You Know How Time Fades Away) Luckily, Boise is a fairly decent concert venue so we have had the opportunity to see Neil Young and Bob Dylan in the last few years.
Some of the posts in January were comments on the picture of Pat and Barb. Shventus called Barb a lovely lady. That is an understatement of biblical proportion. She is one of the sweetest people I know. She has fed me, talked to me, listened to me, been a gracious hostess and tolerated me for at least 30 years. I remember a 20-something Barb in a white bikini. I know Pat didnÂ’t marry her just for her looks. But if he had, it would have been a great decision.
Audio is just one of Lugnut’s many talents. He has done some beautiful woodwork. He designed small record racks that hold about 20 albums. Just perfect for the “Now Playing List.” I have one and it is one of my most prized possessions. Simple, effective and attractive. He also has completely repaired and re-upholstered furniture.
Pat is a fine mechanic and has been a hot-rodder most of his life. He morphed a Chevy Nova from a quiet sedan into a fire-breathing dragster. It was street legal, could pop a wheelie at the drag strip but looked stock from 50 feet away. Until he started it. The first time I heard it idle, I looked at the front wheels because I was convinced one of them had to come off the ground every time a cylinder fired. Pat also had a Harley. He didnÂ’t have to do much to it because it was right the first time.
Photography is another of LugnutÂ’s skills. He seems to have the knack for framing just the right shot. He was a pro real estate photographer for a time. Even before that, his talent with a camera was obvious.
Pat moved to Idaho in October, 1987, after visiting me several times. One of the attractions here is fly fishing. Lugnut has excellent hand-eye coordination so he became a good caster and fly fisher very quickly. Plus, he is just plain lucky. We have had some interesting adventures on the Boise River. Sometimes it was so late when we quit fishing that one of us had to hang over the bow of my drift boat and feel the way to camp. Pat bought his own drift boat and tricked it out. It was effective, attractive and a lot of bang for the buck.
This thread is evidence that you A-goners have enjoyed what I have enjoyed the most about 45 years with Pat---his advice and counsel. The audio advice you have appreciated is just the tip of the iceberg. Whenever I needed help with vehicles, photography, home repair, audio or topics that I canÂ’t even remember, I went to Pat. His advice was always clear and well thought out. If he didnÂ’t know the answer, he said so. PatÂ’s attitude is what made him a successful salesman. He didnÂ’t sell something he would not own himself, he was technically knowledgeable about what he sold and he never blew smoke at customers. It took most customers about 30 seconds to figure this out and Pat sold lots of stuff. I have never seen Pat blow smoke. I have seen him blow flame a few times, but never smoke.
Idaho was the home of a semi-famous outdoor writer, Elmer Keith. One of his books is titled “Hell, I was There.” Well, I’ve been there when Pat started receiving the messages in this thread and the other things so many of you have generously provided. I can tell you from first hand experience how thankful and appreciative Pat is and what a profound impact you had on Old Lugnut. Vetterone, Mick Maun, Michael, Shawn, Jim, Ron, Tom, Patti and others have been wonderful. I especially want to recognize Paul Frumkin for starting this thread and for his other efforts.
Maybe God gives extra time to those he is calling when they are needed to bring about a change in those who are watching and listening?
I wish I'd thought of that myself. Thank you, Albert.
Pat,
I've been following along without posting much. I suppose I couldn't think of much worth saying. I still can't, except to thank you again for continuing to share your journey with all of us, your friends.
Hello and best wishes from both Paul and me. Should we have another chance to meet, we both promise not to treat you like the luscious hunk of meat you are! ;-) We're not concerned about sparing you any embarassment of course. You could handle it. We forbear only out of a proper respect for Barbara's prerogative!
Jadem6's advice and your confirming response remind me of Gandalf's admonishment to Frodo: All who live through difficult times wish that it were otherwise, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to do is choose what to do with the time that is given to us.
Wbdillon, Thanks for that wonderful rhapsody of your life and times so far with Pat. What a treasury of great experiences.
He has tried to explain Paul Frumkin but that hasnÂ’t worked.
I'm not sure Pat should be held accountable for this. Many of us have the same problem. (Sorry Paul, that was just too good an opening!)
I have never seen Pat blow smoke. I have seen him blow flame a few times, but never smoke.
That sums up the Patrick I know admirably.
The other night I watched 'Bridge on the River Kwai' for the first time in ages. Quite a disturbing film in a number of ways. I mention it here only because William Holden's character immediately brought Patrick to my mind. The package might be a bit rough but the contents are pure: an unshakeable core of common sense, earthy honesty and vital humanity.
Today has been a tough day for old Lugnut. I've felt I'm breaking down a little bit, crying a lot. WbDillon's (Bill to me) post tore me up and it's hard to explain. Bill and I go back to fourth grade. Bill has been with me in my fight against lymphoma and now stomach cancer. We've done so much together through the years that I can't even recall the highlights anymore. The highlights just don't seem to matter much. What does matter is the time we spent together. What flashes before my minds eye when I think of Bill is him rowing and me fishing. When he said I was lucky, that is an understatement. Fishing could suck for days but when I'd show up they would be turned onto whatever I happened to have tied on. When I would lift my rod too soon and pull the fly out of a trout's mouth Bill would tell me I might have to lose my polaroid glasses. He'd tell me where he saw a huge rise the day before and cheer me on if I dropped a fly in that spot taken by old grandma. The guy would row upstream so I could fetch a fly out of a bush. He is a great mentor and a dear friend.
The situation I'm in now is just so umpredictable. I felt okay for a couple of days after chemo but then I crashed hard. Slept most of the time and have been pretty depressed too. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror any longer. I don't look sick anymore. I look like someone that's going to die. Something about my eyes, I guess. I've come to realize that this process is bringing a lot of pain to people that really care about me and I hate it. I'm not perfect but I most certainly don't like to hurt anyone. I look at my wife, friends and family and know that their hearts are just being ripped out of their chests from this and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I read about me and feel that I'm now in the past tense. That hurts. So, in a few ways I'm weakening. I know I don't need to ask but cut me some slack. Okay?
A good friend from Lincoln, Nebraska, Mickey, called today and he and Steve Smith are coming out soon. These are the guys that came late winter/early spring and rebuilt my brick planters. Hopefully, we'll be able to spend time together listening to music and talking about days gone by. Mick and Steve want to see me while there is something left to see. Mick says it's okay if I can just give them an hour a day. I didn't realize that love does, in fact, hurt so much. I'm loved and it hurts those that love me for what I'm going through and it hurts me that they are having to edure this.
Doug, you and Paul occupy a special place in my heart. I enjoy you because you are comfortable in your skins just as I am in mine. Albert, you've given me more miles of smiles than I'm entitled to. Larry, your faithful calls, caring way and gentle demeanor are special to me. Nate, there's never been anyone at this site who's moniker is further from the real person. You're a sweetheart. Howard, maybe I can send a photo if I can only get enough energy! J.D., there is a bond that only you and I share.
How does one explain Paul? A man that is unselfish, caring, compassionate and gentle. Why would someone I didn't know start this thread? Maybe it's because he's experienced his own personal pain and just hates it that others hurt as well. I prefer to think of it a little differently. I believe that God uses us to his benefit whenever possible. I believe that has been Paul's role in all of this.
Again, cut me some slack. This post has been an especially hard one for me to make and it probably sounds like I'm saying goodbye. I don't think I am but I just hate to leave things unsaid and undone. You just never know. I do dream of making it to the Rocky Mtn. Audio Fest and spending a little time with Frank.
Lance is doing pretty good considering his team is not helping him that much. Keep it up!!
Pat, I haven't kept up with this thread for about a month due to my computer going on the fritz. The same thing also delayed my sending you the Coltrane disks, about which I feel like a turd after having caught myself up to date here. They are en route and should arrive this week, with a letter enclosed that I'm afraid may in spots sound a bit out of date now vis-a-vis your situation. Be that as it may, you are forewarned: for better or worse, the package is a little bigger than you might expect...
Still, I do so much hope that you will be in the mood sometimes to enjoy the music - when you're not watching the Tour, that is. I didn't make the connection before (and to think that this is Lance's final Tour), but now each day when I watch him ride, you'll be in my mind. I do not post to Audiogon anymore and so haven't been logging on to the Forums since getting my 'pooter scene straightened out week before last, but I promise to keep an eye on this space. Thanks again for everything you've written so far, it has been a gift.
Pat, Thank you, as always, for your honesty. In spite of the physical death you see, your words carry more life in them than ever before. Truly, I don't even know you, but I can feel you all around. You bring out the best in everyone here. Love, Howard
This is my first post in this thread even though I have been lurking here since Paul started it. Why am I posting? The reason is because you stated, “I just hate to leave things unsaid and undone.” I am the same way and felt moved to write today.
Your journey documented here has shown me your zeal for life, family and friends. It also shows the compassion strangers can have for each other in a way that gives mutual strength to each party. Since this thread began, I have had to endure the passing of my Uncle, who I was very close with because he taught me how to play and win at chess and Jazz music at a very early age, and my father. During both situations when I hit the bottom of my perceived strength, I found your stories and words of advice tucked into my brain. They acted as a friendly security blanket to hold onto providing a calming affect with these loses I struggled through.
Also, during this time my best friend had kidney failure and has had to go on dialysis. In the beginning he did not handle the situation well but something inside of him clicked and he became brave and upbeat. His wife said I was a key player in this turnaround because I was always happy to be with him and encouraging him to keep on keeping on. I was able to provide a great mental attitude when I visited him because of what was shared here by you and others. My friend was told about this friend named “Pat or Lugnut” and the journey he is on. Pat even though we haven’t been introduced you entered part of my life. This means the other thing you posted, “I believe that God uses us to his benefit whenever possible”, came true for family, my friends and me.
The thread and posts made me laugh, cry, get angry at what was happening to you, get educated on all sorts of things and find a new mentor. Thank you Pat and the rest of audiogoners for sharing your thoughts and memories.
Pat, I recall many many posts ago you had asked if someone could capture all of these posts and send them to Barb in booklet form. My wife is in printing and we both want to volunteer to do this if no one else has stepped forward. Let me know my friend.
Patrick, I've followed this thread very carefully since its' inception and heretofore never posted. Your strength and dignity as you continue fighting, remind me so very much of my wife's unsuccessful battle with breast cancer a few years ago. I just wanted to tell you how much admiration I have for you. You're an inspiration to all.
. Pat, . I read this thread daily and you are in my thoughts and prayers. . We are blessed to have you and for the great gift of sharing you have bestowed on us. You are truly the bravest person I know. Keep the faith. . Talk to you soon. . Warmest Regards, Larry .
Pat- I can only echo Larry's eloquent words. Every single one of them. In reading that post, I am reminded of Mark Twain's words (I'm paraphrasing here)- "I am sorry that my letter is so long, but I didn't have time to write a shorter one". I think about you several times each day, frustrated that there is nothing concrete I can do for you. And Patrick, don't underestimate your strength, composure and grace. There are many others who have not shown your style. Maybe it will give you some pride to know that I aspire to be half as honest to myself and others, as you have been. Our combined experience here has opened my eyes to the positive power in the internet, FWIW. This is a real "virtual village" here at Audiogon.
WC- I'm sorry for your loss. My wife is one dose ot taxol away from finishing her breast cancer treatment (oops, except for the tamoxifen. Its been easy for me to think that this is the end of her illness; you have reminded me that its just one battle and that I need to focus on living in the present, since the future is a big question mark. This should not take a cancer diagnosis for a loved one to fully appreciate, but sometimes it does.
Pat, it's very hard to read your words especially after I watch many of my keen went the same path through the chemo tortures... Now's the turn for my dad, a very painful part of my heart. Every next one is longer and larger and his right leg is already numb. Do you still have any hopes to get back? Should I have any?
I dont know Pat like others here, but he has answered and contributed to some of my questions, also I have learned from Pat in other posts aswell, all I can say is I think about what is going on and keep track of this thread. To Patrick and all involved, thoughts, prayers and admiration, I am sure my words are mostly echoes from far better men than I......but I still felt compelled to add my thoughts. God Bless you and yours Chad M Smith
It's uncanny how a few posts from you guys lift me up. Without you I would be in a very different place. I seem to be needing less rest each day but I don't think I'm tolerating this chemo well enough to continue it's use. We'll see what happens tomorrow at my oncologists visit after getting the blood work done. I'm sure that my red blood cells took a massive hit and that's why I've been so tired. Of course, in every type of chemo the intent is to suppress the immune system so my white cells were hit hard too. In all fairness to the chemistry my stomach is improved some. I still have most of the complaints from fluid build up but cope well without any pain meds.
Barb is adjusting her work schedule so that she can be with me more. Our daughter, Amanda, comes over every morning. She offers to fix me breakfast and stays patiently, quietly, with me until Barb comes home. Barb is off today so we have made plans to visit a friend at his new home near the banks of the Snake River. This is a 1920's farm house on a sizeable acreage complete with barn and outbuildings. He's working feverishly to complete a dedicated music room in the second story of the barn. His new system he asked me to buy for him needs to be hooked up and dialed in and I would really like to hear the results. I just love this place. Sitting on the front porch with its southern exposure one can view the Owyhee Mountains still capped with a little snow. Whenever I sit there I want to listen to Crosby, Stills & Nash's "Our House". It just has that feel. It catapults me back in time to when Barb and I were first married living in the oldest farm house in Sarpy County Nebraska. The parties we used to have there!
My sister Mary called yesterday to say she is once again coming late this month and staying until early August. She is certainly proving to be her father's daughter. Dad was a wonderful example of caring and compassion. He always made time to comfort loved ones and Mary is doing exactly as he would have done. I wouldn't doubt that Mick and Steve will be here at the same time. As long as each of them have a comfortable place to sleep I'll be happy. They all know and like each other so if this happens it should be a lot of fun.
One of my fellow club members, an emergency room doc, called as well and wants to come visit as soon as I'm able. Glen is a sweet and caring guy. I helped him install a new cartridge on his Denon table recently and he's most happy with the results. He wants to have an anual Patrick Malone Vinly Night. Hearing this brought tears to my eyes and choked me up.
Zaikes, not to worry. I've seen you haven't been posting. I'll surely enjoy whatever tunes you send my way. Keep cheering Lance on. We are now at the stage in that race which will separate the men from the boys.
Howard, I think of you often. You sent me the Lance book which contained some gems I really needed to read. It doesn't matter that we have not physically met. You've shared yourself repeatedly in this thread and in private emails to an extent that I know you well. Thanks for being faithful. Also, you're spot on about this thread being the best of what the internet can be.
Lou, thank you for your post. I've been a lot of things in my life but always wondered if I'd leave anything meaningful behind. If you have gained anything from my thoughts expressed here and it has helped you, I'm pleased beyond anything I can say about it. Your uncle, father and friend have been blessed to have you.
Tvad, my heart cries out for the pain you must have felt with your father. I'm so sorry. Still, I'm sure he gave it the best shot he knew how and you will find comfort in that at some time. We're all different and can only do what is possible for each of us. Witnessing a death is being part of the most intimate of personal experiences. Those approaching this point realize it and react according to inner needs. I trust he left these earthly bounds in a way that worked for him. Peace to you.
Wc, you have experienced what we all dread. Coming here and offering comfort to me while reliving your personal tragedy proves to me you have arrived. I'm so sorry for your loss and can only hope that you gained much from your experience. I think so. My role, like your wife's, isn't much fun but deep down I know I've got the easier part. Your suffering continues. May it ease with each passing day. Thank you for your thoughts.
Larry, only a few of us are blessed with friends like you. Not a day goes by that I don't feel the vibes coming my way from Miami. I can't help but smile about the connection with your business and you as a person. What a perfect fit. For those that don't know, Larry is a major importer of flowers. Incredible flowers. Things of rare beauty. I urge you to post the story about your relationship with your growers here for others to read. It's amazing and says volumes about your character. You're probably too humble to do so and it's not my place to out you. Consider, this thread is about all of us, so please share this heartwarming story.
Swampwalker, give your wife a big hug for me. I've been cheering her on. The Taxol is an incredible drug which is responsible for the good times I've enjoyed and I'm so thankful. Thanks to you too for being there for her. And yes, this is an incredible community. Simply amazing.
Mark, your pain comes through clearly. I'm sorry for your struggles. It's hard to witness a loved one endure the poisons, maybe harder than enduring them personally. I have hope but not of this world with me in it in a physical sense. I hope that you can find some comfort within this thread as I have gained comfort here. I hope that you accept whatever the future unfolds in your life for you and your father. Love is the key.
Chad, thanks for your kind words. God's blessings are most welcome in the Lugnut household.
I'll let you guys know what happens at the doc's on Thursday. Wish me luck.
He he. Lance is where he needs to be right now to pull this off!!! Barring some accident history is being made. Go Lance!
i'm on my third livestrong yellow bracelet now, having broken two through daily use. the first i wore was for my mom, the second for my mother in law. my most recent one, that i wear every day in every setting, i wear for you.
All you've gotten from the posts here, Pat, you've given it back in spades. "Our House" started going through my head as I read... I can imagine the place you describe, or one like it. What a pleasure. Thanks for that, and for all the rest. Just... thanks.
Pat - only just caught up with this thread (I spend too much time with the Lenco-ers). What an uplift it has given me to read there are a lot of great, caring human beings out there (especially after what has happened here in UK over the last week).
My prayers are with you at this time - I lost both my Father and Father-in-law to cancer.
The 'Our House' lyrics sum things up quite well - 'Life used to be so hard, Now everything is easy 'cause of you'
I know you're getting inspiration from Lance, and if he were lucky enough to know you he'd definitely be charging up the Pyrenees a lot harder this weekend.
I'm baaaaccckk. Kind of. My mind must be slipping. Today's visit was with a replacement since my doc is on vacation. Apparently all of my symptoms are drug (chemo) related, so in for another treatment I went. I'm too pooped right now to write much but in a few hours I'll be up for awhile on the steroid high, for what that's worth. By Saturday I'll be sleeping non-stop again. Hope to put some listening time in tonight while the getting is good.
Dean, I'm really thrilled about what Lance will likely accomplish. I love seeing history being made in front of my eyes. He probably wouldn't be the cyclist he is if it were not for his cancer. The chemo radically changed his body making him a better rider. For once now the false charges of doping aren't being leveled against him. I also agree with Gregadd. Somebody needs to challenge him hard to make this exciting. For sure Ray, if Lance were to drop by he'd get an earful. Whether it stuck or not would be determined by the sweet spot in his heart.
Joe, I have been thinking about you a lot wondering how your table is coming and if you have designed a better plinth. Let me know too if you can do a down and dirty little project for me. I've got an idea.
Just to let you all know that alternative medicine is beginning tomorrow thanks to Nate. His family has some personal experience with what he sent and I'm pretty excited to give it a try. Thanks buddy and sorry I missed your call when I was at the doctor.
So, what kind of folks do we have here? Zaikeman (Alex), as you can tell from his post had compiled a couple of CD's of Coltrane music for me. Well, I received them today and included was a CD player for those times when flipping an album isn't convenient. Alex, you must have been a mind reader! There are times I would like to listen but just don't have the energy to expend flipin' those darn albums. Thank you so much for this special kindness. Now, all I need to do is contact a couple of friends here locally and borrow some CEEDEE's.
You're an amazing bunch. "Miles of Smiles" Porter called last night and got me charged up. We've gotten to know each other really well and are kindred spirits. We both recognize fully the connection between music and the thoughts that are shared in this thread. Both of us have been "fix it" type guys our whole lives and Albert is perplexed as to why he can't come up with the fix for what ails me. Me too. Maybe there's some type of tube power supply or something yet to be tried that he will put together for my health benefit. I know this: if I can be fixed with tubes then Albert will figure it out.
hello Pat thought these lyrics from David Gilmour's self titled album were appropriate? "NO WAY" There's no way I'm going to let go There's no way, because it's my show I'm hanging on for a little while I won't go down easy, that's not my style I'm all tied up, tied up in a knot And I can't decide just what it is I've got Did I get out of touch? Did I lose my way? I've not forgot, no, not a single day Now you might believe I'm not a happy man Putting myself apart from the common clan Well, the boat we're sailing, we have a leak or two But I know it's sound, like me and you
Great lyrics Mejames!! My memory kicked in this afternoon through a phone call. Some of my words were paraphrased back at me in a gentle way reminding me that the price I'm paying now with some fatigue may provide me with some really good days down the road, relatively speaking. The reality that I may get better is just as possible at this point as getting worse even though getting worse IS going to happen whenever it happens. It's time to just pay my dues and maintain a hopeful outlook. That isn't being in denial. I always knew it was going to get tougher and now isn't any time to cave in to self sympathy that would burn up good moments in waste. When the going gets tough audiophiles need to listen for the phone to ring. Thanks for calling me, my friend.
I've always got time for a little DIY project, send it! I'm still screwing around with some solid surface/wood combo plinths. They have certainly been interesting, but still have not improved on the first one. I am doing a cocobolo clamp and motor housing, and still haven't finished the damn rack. But like I said, you need something, you got it. Let me know.
Pat: I'm relieved you're taking the inclusion of the dreaded bit-reading player in stride, knowing how in easier times such devices were banished from your system. Although I wouldn't have been disappointed if you hadn't wanted to sully what you've labored so long to build by installing one even now, I really sent it mainly because I knew how serious you were about being able listen to more Coltrane, which made me glad that I could put together some music for you without worrying that I would be imposing my own predelictions upon a man who might have less good time to listen in than myself. Hopefully, being able to check it out through the big rig will help. But you bring up a good point - the last play the Adcom changer saw was when I used it to set up a little bedroom system for my late father, so we could load it up with with several Mozart and Beethoven disks he could listen to for hours aided by the remote, without unecessarily taxing his energy reserves (depleted from chronic heart failure). I wish you can continue playing all vinyl for as long as possible, but nothing would give me greater satisfaction than if you were able to employ this player in a similarly pleasureable manner anytime the going gets that rough for you. Enjoy!
Pat my friend. Your doing great, I'm happy to here the symptoms are from the drugs and not the cancer. My prayers and far too many thoughts are with you. JD
I do feel that the chemo and Nate's potion is helping the cancer. It doesn't take an overly sensitive person to be in contact with your body to the extent you can tell new sensations are part of tumor growth. I can say that some of the unwanted sensations are lessening. I now also have enough time under my belt with this drug to understand the daily side effects. Knowing what to expect helps even if you don't look forward to it. If you know what I mean. Eating is a little easier now than before I began this drug but it's still a challenge. Drinking enough fluids is the biggest challenge in all honesty. Every fluid I consume tastes bad and with just a few sips I've had enough, feeling like I'm full. Too much more than that and I'm ready to hurl. Day by day though I can increase my fluid intake a little which is a very good sign. My color has improved and I no longer have the look of death that I saw in the mirror last week. It will be cool if the fatigue that should start this afternoon is less this time than last. That's the source of this stuff working in a detrimental way on my mind. Previously I could motivate myself over the effects of the drug induced fatigue. Last week I could not with this new chemo.
It's nice having you guys for a cheering section. Thanks.
As a man who has disability issues I cant comment to your exact challenge, but I can with out a doubt say that your mental state will go miles to help overcome physical problems from both what ails you aswell as treatment effects, I can feel your stronger will and, your improoved mental state is obvious and very good to see, stay strong and try to see the best in everything, nobody is promised tomorrow, some sadly just know in general when the lord will be calling. As always, blessings and know you are in my thoughts. Tomorrow is never known, and yesterday cant be had again, but today is a gift....thats why we call it the present! Chad
Pat emailed me a picture he would like to share. It shows him with a honkin big smile on his face, having some fun. It's too big to insert here, so go to:
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