Many of us have come to know Patrick Malone (Lugnut) as a friendly, helpful, knowledgeable and kind individual. He is a frequent and enthusiastic contributor to our analog discussion forum. He has initiated only 17 threads, but responded to 559 threads. I would guess that many, if not most, of us can recall a time when Pat replied with helpful advice to a question we posted or helped us track down a rare recording. I have come to love Pat as a friend, and to respect him as a man, and I suspect many of you share those feelings.
Today I write to share difficult news with you. Pat has been diagnosed with an aggressive stomach cancer. It has yet to be determined whether surgery will even be worth it. If surgery is performed, most or all of the stomach will be removed, and Pat would face a difficult and long post-op period in the hospital. The medical course is still uncertain, but will be determined soon. Whatever is decided, it will not be easy or pleasant.
Something may be planned in the future to assist the family. For now, Pat could use some of the friendship he so often and willingly showed us. You can email Pat at: lugnut50@msn.com. You can also mail cards, letters ... or whatever. You may email me for Pat's mailing address. My email is: pfrumkin1@comcast.net.
I hope to spend a few days with Pat in Idaho or Nebraska (from which he hails) soon. Between this news, my legal work, getting ready for family arriving for the holidays, Audio Intelligent, and trying to make plans to visit Pat, my head is spinning. If you email me and I don't respond, please understand that I am not ignoring you, but rather simply do not have time to reply.
Pat may or may not have time to respond to posts here, to emails, or to cards mailed to him. But he has asked me to convey to each and every one of you that he has cherished your friendship, your comradery, and sharing our common hobby on this great website.
As we prepare for our holiday season celebrations, and look forward to -- as we should -- enjoying this time of year, I ask that you keep Pat and his family in mind ... and softly offer up, in quiet moments in the still of night and early morning, prayers for Pat and his family. God bless.
pat & barb...been following it all for months. i lost my mother in law to this dreadful disease and was there for the ending days. i admire you as everyone else here does for your great dignity, courage & eloquence. i really have nothing to add other than my deep admiration and prayers for both of you. pat, keep rockin'. and barb, keep up your beauty and spirit. it's as inspiring as anything i have ever experienced.
I have been following this thread for some time now, but havenÂ’t been able to write. I felt the need to now. I lost my father to stomach cancer all of 7 years ago on New Years day, 1998. I was 18, and he was about to turn 50.
November 1st was the day that we learned of his diagnosis, and were told that he had 6 weeks to live. Our family made all out war on the cancer, and he lived for 14 months. I have been reliving my own personal experiences, as many of those here on audiogon have, through your story.
As I have been filling out my medical school applications, I am surprised at how often my thoughts have turned to your story. I suppose it is the deep personal memories that this thread evokes, but I wanted to let you know that, weather you want it or not, a piece of you has now become part of me. I cannot help this, but I am grateful for it. My father enjoyed living an agonizing and torturous 14 months to their fullest. I used to think that I was powerless to help him, that I could do nothing for him. It has taken me a long time to realize that I did more for him than any chemo or surgery did, by being with him, by listening, traveling when we could, by taking time out of being an 17yr old pain in the ass, to be a son and a friend. I don't really know where I am going with this, but it feels good to write it, I hope it helps you feel good in reading it.
John M Lawrence IV (Windzilla) Audiophile Greenhorn
P.S. Barb, often, when I say "you" in this post, I am referring not only to Pat, but to you as well, I just have a hard time expressing that sentiment into words.
Thank you for your inspiration - it has not only helped us bond as a community, it has helped humanity as a whole.
I don't post much here anymore--
Be assured I have followed not only your journey, but your guidance, and for that I thank you!
In this little known (to the world) forum, you have taught me to see through eyes that awakened me, allowing me to become my own-- a rare event in my life.
If this sounds "deep" indeed it is, because I have learned that life isn't all about VTA or VTF ...
It's about appreciation, gratitude, fun, love, and of course music!
It's what you learned' me :) thank you --
Oh yea,Pat & Barb-- If you have a new pup in the house, I have news for ya! you better go buy new shoes for the next year! Pets snuggled next to you with your fav'rite tunes are the very best. Hugs!
. Pat, . I have continued to think about you daily and lately, it seems more like hourly. . Our conversations have been wonderful, happy, sad, poignant, inspiring, frustrating and full of love. . I am blessed to have had the chance to know you and my life has changed as a by product of your courage and insights. I have always felt blessed for my family and life, but knowing you has greatly enhanced my perspective and appreciation for life and my blessings. . Thank you first for being such a good friend and then for sharing so openly with all of us, for your display of courage in facing what we must all handle at some point. I pray that I will handle it all with even half the grace you have displayed. . I dread not being able to pick up the phone to give you a call and will miss you greatly. I am and will always be grateful for all that you have shared with me. . Thanks for being my good friend and such an inspiration to all of us. . Love, Larry .
Pat, this is Derek in Omaha. I wish I could make it to Idaho,it must be beautiful. I spent the weekend in a meditation group. There was much discussion about experiencing God here NOW. It is everyone's birthright! One topic that came up more than most was, death. Everyone was expressing the love they felt from those that were going "home", and the GIFT that it was to be with them in those last days. Pat, you were on my mind and in my prayers this weekend and everyday since I started reading this thread. God, bless you and your family.
Pat and Barb, Thru your great friend Paul, I have been following this for the last year. Words can not properly convey my feelings but I will try. I sit here in my office doing something I have not been able to do for years, cry like a baby. As I think about why, it comes to me that my tears are not all sadness but of Peace as well. Peace that for once in my life I truly realize that we are not alone. Hard thing to say for a lifelong Agnostic. Your strengths and fears you have shown all of us will be a lesson to follow for ever. There will never again be that paralyzing fear of what is next. Only strength in knowing that other's have walked this path and done so with grace and dignity I can only hope to acheive. YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION!!! May that strength and love guide you these last days Pat and may those same strength's and love help you in the future Barb. Ok......back from a walk around the building to catch my breath. Thank you for sharing your journey with such openess and stark reality. It has been a true honor to know you even if only in this virtual world. your spirit is special and will be remebered for a lifetime. Know mine and my wife's love and thought's are with you two. Peace
Hello everyone - this is Barb. Pat and I just finished with the shower, shave and shampoo (or sink bath) routine. It has always been important to him to look his best. Of course he's the most handsome man in the world to me. He is now visiting with a local audio club friend which is very comforting to him. He has been very miserable the last 48 hours. The pain is unbearable and it's been hard to get comfortable enough to sleep very long. The hospice nurse will be here soon to increase the morphine dosage. I have been giving him massages and plenty of kisses on the forehead. Thank you so much for all the wonderful suggestions for a name for our puppy. She stays with us only a few hours per day because I am not ready to care for her full time yet. It is hard for me to express in words just how much all of your support and love has meant to Pat and I. His love will always be present in our home and sitting with me in the sweet spot. Until later. Love - Barb
Pat, I love to see your name pop up here! It sure brought a smile to my face. What we wouldn't give to help you carry the load you bear right now, but some journeys are taken alone.
I was really taken by the name 'Spirit' for your new puppy although if he's got a deep raspy voice and a lot of wrinkles maybe something referencing Neil Young would be in order!?! : )
I want to say publicly "Pat thanks for being a part of my life, you are well loved!"
Lyle Lovett wrote in the song "Simple Song" the words: "When you find the one you might become remember part of me is you..."
I only hope you understand. Remember to keep the messages contained in this thread alive and well inside your hearts.
regarding your opening of your heart and showing us true emotion. I think it's safe to say that we have gone well beyond understanding and it happened about 15 pages ago...
Pat/Barb- Please don't take my silence as indicative of not caring. I think about you often. I'm rarely at a loss for words, but find myself without anything constructive to add and it seems presumptuous to think that I can provide any words of insight or comfort. That leaves me feeling a bit helpless, but I do know that in tough times, the presence of friends and family is as comforting as anything they so. So this post is just to let you know that I am present (virtually). As for the pup, I think Cinna is great. Can't remember if it was to be an Australian Shepard or Sheepdog. I know someone who breeds the sheepdogs, and they are remarkably intelligent and good-natured dogs. Best of luck with her, sheepdog or shepard or whatever. Sounds to me like you've made the best of the hand you were dealt; played the game with style, grace, intelligence, humor and love. Truly a remarkable life and legacy. Your friend, Michael
In the scheme of all the time past and what is yet to come: Pat, my fellow audiophool, I'll be seeing you in just a few minutes. Save me (us) a bunch of listening chairs. Can't wait to hear the tunes you got up there...peace and love to you my friend....I will miss you.
You didn't give me credit for the nine tubes I do have in my system!! Fess up. They were there. Don't mislead this nice group! The next step would have been a Berning ZH270 and a pair of Merlins.....
Thanks for all the kind thoughts and for the warm welcome to Barb. Gotta go.
Pat, there is so little left to say other than your almost home. I know from my personal experiences that you soon will feel the freedom from the immense constraints our human existence provides to our soul. I know you are about to experience the love that created us all, and it is good. Soon my friend, and it will truly be a relief. But not just for you, but you have allowed us all to understand the experience and we too are ready.
No we will not feel the freedom you are about to experience, but you have prepared us. Thank you for the unselfish journey.
The experience of life (that which you are about to have) is beyond words. Unlike me, you will not be given the option to return to this experience, but instead you will be welcomed into an eternal life that you will recognize as home.
Welcome home Pat, you have had quite a journey, and it is time to rest. God is waiting, as are all the souls who have been watching over you. Soon you will remember all you have forgotten here on earth. The love that has created all that is, and all that is not will be your solace, and it is good.
You have left Barb a wonderful blanket of love which she can wrap around her soul. Your time with Barb is not over, it is only different. The love you have left behind will support her, and the love you are about to experience will be the future. You will continue to hold her, even more now, for your soul is free to carry hers.
I'm sure little of this means much right now, or even makes sense, but it will. Barb, you will never be alone for Pat will be with you forever. I do not mean just his memory, but his spirit and his soul. His work here on earth is done, but his sharing a journey with you is only partially complete. Asking for his comfort and love will bring him to your side. Your soul will recognise his, and you will find comfort. I suggest you have something agreed upon. Mine is "tickle neck" and I feel it with those who are supporting me. I have told my kids and wife that when I'm gone, they will know I am next to them every time they seek me, by the feeling on the back of the neck. Right where the hair starts, I feel it often when I think of "home" and I know it to be love.
As always you and your family remain in our thoughts and prayers. I really wish there was more to say in words to convey just how much you and your family are thought of and prayed for.
I happened to read the post prior to trying to go to bed last night. There were a few moments I was able to reflect upon many things in life, as I was not really able to get to sleep.
Of all the things, different names kept popping up in my head for your and Barb's pup. Everything audio related that is cute, to everything "Lugnut" moniker that came to mind as well.
Now, I honestly have not posted much on the thread, but rather emailed you personally as I am not as eloquent with words as just about everyone else posting at this point.
However, you have been more than brutally honest and open with us, and I too feel you deserve the same back from us.
From the very beginning of this thread, to current day, the way you have handled yourself with grace, dignity, selflessness, the concern for others, and how they move forward with their lives will not pale or fade with time. My thoughts as I layed in bed kept coming back to your demeanor, your guidance, strength, inner peace and where you derived this from. Coupled with the known fact your reluctance to "witness" (please forgive me if too strong a term) or perhaps desire to show the devout faith you possess from fear of turning others from the thread. Please take solace in the fact, those of us that understand where your destination lies will shed tears for you and your loved ones, both tears in sorrow to see you go, tears of thankfulness to have been blessed to know you, tears of comfort to know you are without pain and in a much better place, tears of realization that you helped direct us back onto the correct path in life reminding us what is important.
Again please forgive me for my rambling, for I feel my thoughts are never even close to being so composed and organized as yours, Pat.
With all that in mind, as well as much, much more that my overactive imagination would take me days to try to convey... I seemed to "land" on a name for the pup.
It kept coming up in my mind, as to, what has Pat obviously possessed from the onset of his unfortunate news? Whom has Pat turned to for stregnth, comfort, inner peace, (as well as Barb, family , & freinds)? Whom has Pat referred to as a bigger part of this working through him to convey to us all? Whom will Pat be in the presence of after he has passed? Whom has Pat subtely been re-directing some of us, leading others of us to? What would Pat want us to fill our lives to lead us in the right direction after he has passed?
Now, I don't want to be overly "religious/zealous/etc." however, again, Pat has been openly honest with me, and I will do the same for him. Before it is too late for Pat to read how he has redirected/reminded me personally and I regret not saying so.
Whether the above questions are taken from a Biblical / Religious / Christian perspective or just what Pat seems to evoke in the most common sense of the word... the word/name that kept coming to mind for your new pup is:
Spirit
As you know, you have this in spades Pat, on all levels. Now, whether or not it is fitting for Barb's pooch is up to both of you. I hope my ramblings made some sense.
As always, I will be praying for all of you. Go ahead, angle for that "lake front property" as I think you may already have the land waiting for you!
May God Bless and keep you and your loved ones in comfort and peace.
Pat, we don't know each other but I really do hope for the privilege to meet you over there and that we could have met here. You all are such great people. George
Since Paul started this thread IÂ’ve been going along with the thread and learning about many of the people on Audiogon including Pat and liking what I see about the people of Audiogon but not knowing what to say. Boy, now thatÂ’s a sentence! Out of the blue today I talked with Nate about an amp he used to own that I own now and I brought up this thread to him. After I got back home from a road trip tonite to listen to a NEWAS memberÂ’s handbuilt amp no less I logged on and saw new posts to this thread and began reading and decided I do have something that I would like to say. Welcome Barb :-) first. WeÂ’ve read a lot about you and you are a welcome addition to Audiogon. The other thing I have to say came about on the drive back from Appleton after talking with Nate and having a chance to think about the conversation. which is sometimes a dangerous thing. In my life I need both my fingers and my toes to count the number of people in my immediate family I have learned about cancer and heart disease and death since my father died when I was fifteen. One thing I have learned about the afterlife is it is right here inside of me with the memories that I carry with me every day. My children never got to meet my dad but between my mom (sheÂ’s 84 and still going strong) and I my kids have learned about dad and the other relatives that they did or didnÂ’t know. My kid's and I even had a lesson when we got to see the house my mom grew up in in the 1920's. so cool!!! So I guess what IÂ’m trying to say is that if when we can remember these things that have created an impact on out lives and pass that along to others we actually have an afterlife right here for the living but for all those fingers and toes that have gone before me I sure would like to see them again and can only imagine where they are now. Time will tell but I really feel that I will see them again and they are going to be smiling and their feet will be aÂ’tappin and chili will be on the stove. At least I hope so. As far as the puppy I like the anagram idea but! Taking care of a puppy is sort of like strapping yourself into a high strung Nova (or in my case a Â’69 Boss 302) and just let it go and see what is going to happen. How about Nova?
I was sitting down in my office chair this morning and as the norm checking the thread. As I set there somberly reading my two grandchildren came bounding into the room. I have a 6 year old grandson and 4 year old native american grandaughter. Looking at me they both noticed something amis and my grand daughter said "grandapa, whats wrong", concerned etched on her face. I tried to explain in a way I thought they would understand and my grand daughter took my face in her tiny little hands, concern etched in her big blue eyes and said "Grandpa Its okay he's going to be with God"
Ray, will you stop namin' nuts! (See the film "Best in Show" if the reference is lost)
This morning, when I went to hug Pat goodbye, it took a lot for me hold it together. I had such a rock in my throat, I felt like dropping to the floor and sobbing. Then, Pat broke my thoughts with a plan of his own. "I'll see you in the afterlife," he said. "I'm saving some choice spots for friends." I asked him if it would be waterfront property. "Nope," he said, "it'll be just like here, as it is on earth." I felt so happy for him.
I am not sure we will get to chat again. I will try to call tomorrow but know how tiring this must be. It has been a pleasure and an honor to help out in whatever way I could. You are remarkable people. Everything I have seen from the warmth and generosity of the thread suggests there is a higher being, we couldn't have reached this level on owr own (my own two cents and not proselytizing, so please no one take offense).
On a more upbeat note, I do have a name for the dog, phoenix. My sister-in-laws nephew, whom they treated like a son, died tragically at a very early age and they inherited his wonderful dog. As fate would have it, the dogs name was phoenix and it has been a great source of joy and consolation for the last few years. My prayers are with you both for a peaceful and graceful parting.
Pat, I enjoyed our phone conversation today, and your guidance. Muchos gracious for your valuable time and assistance.
Fellow AudiogoN'er's, it speaks volumes of the man, that with all that is going on in his world, he still has time to make analog recommendations for fellow hobbyists. Of course he also has me convinced that heaven is in Idaho. Now I just need to convince my wife of that. :-)
Howard, thank you for your report, and for being there for 'us' that cannot visit in the flesh. I hope Pat knows we are all there with him in spirit and through our prayers.
Barb, I officially welcome you to the circus. :-) I've read so much about you in a strange way I feel like I know you. You are Pat's rock, and we all pray for God's love and caring for both of you in this intense life struggle. You are the light of Pat's life, that is obvious from my time with Pat.
Pat, I have never been a believer in organized religion of any kind, but your words have made me a believer in humanism. I will use this phenomenal thread as a reference to console those going through what you're almost done with and when the time comes to help me cope with my own demise. You are a giant among men and although too short yours has been a life richly lived . Thank you for taking us on this difficult journey and unifying us in our love and admiration for you.
SOLEIL--French for sun...always a great visual for me....warmth, life, god, good spirit...oodles of pictures..good ones...or how 'bout just Patty or Luggy or nutty?
Having that puppy in you life is going to help during the grieving period for sure.
My wife, Gina, suggested Cinna as a short version of Cinnamon Girl, or Aussie for her being an Australian Shephard.
My suggestions are an anagram of LUGNUT -- Gultun or Tungul. They may be unusual but either name will definitely cause people to turn their heads and take notice of the dog. I know I would!
What Nate said about Pat free-falling made me think of this. The original German is by Rilke. Thanks Pat for the chance to share it, and think of you and of us all.
As if from the distance, leaves are falling, Fall as if their far-off gardens fade into the sky; They fall, their gestures are of letting go. And through the night there falls the pressing earth Down all lonesome past the stars. We are all falling. There: this hand falls too, It happens to us all. Just look around you. Still there is one who holds us tenderly As in his hands we fall, fall endlessly.
Hello Barb,Id like to welcome you,and please know that all of you are in my thoughts and prayers.I will try to come up with a suggestion or two to name the little one,seems like pets all have thier own personalitys,let us know a little about how she is!Ive read so many wonderful things about you ,from Pat and friends.Love to all of you,Ray
Hi everyone - This is Barb (or Mrs. Lugnut). Starting today I have become Pat's full-time caregiver and he has informed me that part of my job will be posting to this wonderful ongoing thread. I will try my best but I will get him to the computer as much as possible via the wheelchair. It is good theory for him.
Pat has asked me to ask all of you to help us with a little task. Some dear friends want us to accept the gift of an 8 week old female puppy - a miniature Australian Shepherd. She is a beautiful brown color, white paws and chest, with milk chocolate in between. She is petite and very mellow temperament. We want to give her the perfect name so we would appreciate your suggestions. Howard got to meet her while he was visiting us and he would agree that she would be a perfect companion for me. No doubt having a puppy around would be a good way to redirect my affections during my grieving. Thanks for your help and continued support. Barb
Pat, may your rest come quickly. About 10 days ago I posted about a very close friend who was going thru the same thing. I got a call this morning that he passed during the night. Even though I am saddened by my loss, I am estatic for his gain. When I think of Joe today, it brings a smile to my face. When you get to your destination, please look for a gentleman named Joe Downum. I am sure you both would enjoy each others company. May God bless and keep you until then.
I got off the phone with Pat not too long ago. I was crying as we said 'goodbye,' I hope, not for the last time. Pat said it in his post, but he is winding down, or as he said 'free falling.' It still brings tears to my eyes, just to write it.
At the risk of sounding dramatic, if anyone has anything to say to Lugnut, I would not wait. His poor body has taken all the abuse it can. He cherishes all the kind words that so many have offered, and he really needs the prayers of those inclined to offer them.
Though many will hurt by his death, it will be a relief to Pat. That murderous cancer will die, but Pat will live on...
I feel fortunate to be here now with Pat and Barb. It's a strange feeling to be in someone else's house for a few days, and yet to feel entirely at home. I've seen others come and go here during that time, and not one is made to feel like a visitor. Because Pat and Barb invite them in as part of their lives, truly as part of them.
Barb and I discussed a future visit to California. She and my wife Gina have not met, and they will. Barb is that rare person who would not know how NOT to love you. She is Pat's best friend, as well as his champion. Pat said yesterday that she has always brought out the best in him, and this is evident.
Thank you all for being so generous with yourselves. I can see the gratitude on Pat's face.
This thread is something more than a sermon. I'm convinced it has, and will continue to have, a life of it's own. Although Pat is leaving us, and a part of me will go with him, I believe a part of him, his best,.. will stay with me (and us all)....if I'm lucky. I just hope that I can keep my eye on it when he is not here to point it out.
One finds real strength and truth in life where one can. It is a rare and fleeting thing...at least in my life. It sneaks into view between talk of tubes and wire and God knows what other diversions. Usually, I fear, it goes right by me.
I've found it in this thread...as unlikely as that may be. Like many of us, I've had close friends who have died and this thread has tapped into all those unresolvable issues. Pat has added his own unique strength and character to it that I can't even begin to describe or do justice to. One could put many forms around it and call it this or that. Words really don't reach it. It's felt as much as thought. Perhaps that is why so many of us are touched by music.
Thanks for being there Howard, and God bless you Barb.
Your story about Paul really makes me angry and sad. I'm angry that there is so much unnecessary suffering because the health care industry doesn't (at times) listen. I'm sad for the suffering. I'm angry and sad that this is added to by the not subtle gay bashing you experienced. Approve or disapprove of your lifestyle is irrelevent because it is not our place to judge. Paul is just too wonderful a person to go through this crap.
Still, I'm amazed by the capacity of many in the health care field to give of their inner selves. I've been lucky. The guy that gave us the tickets is an almost retired emergency room doctor. He's come to my home several times and cried with me. As if he doesn't experience enough of this at work. Gary, from Canada calls regularly, researches my needs and sends me medicines free of charge. My oncologist cares deeply about me and has cried about my situation many times. There are wonderful people helping me and I'm so lucky.
Nice review Howard. Man, I bet you were up all night doing that one handed. Sorry I had to ask but I didn't go. Speaking of which...
The last 48 hours have been a nosedive. In a general sense my complaints are the same but I am changing. Those things I experience like eating, drinking, sleeping and vomiting are all much different now. I am so very tired. I'm sleeping much more than before and don't want to get up unless I must. I think I'm close to turning the corner guys. It's difficult to compose my thoughts and harder yet to type them to you. I very much enjoy reading what you guys have to say so please continue to write. Just don't expect me to write anything.
A package arrived last night while the others were at the concert. It's a morphine pump and I don't know what else. I had received a call yesterday that Hospice may stop by today to hook me up and I suspect they'll come even though I said it's no big deal and they could do it during the day next week. A catheter is in the near future too. I'm looking forwad to both of these things. Isn't that weird? My position is it's okay as long as it makes things easier for me and those that care for me.
Barb is no longer going to work, beginning today, which I cherish the thought of. I just love being near her. While she has agreed to post for me I wonder just how capable she is of doing it. She's a wonderful writer but is kind of insecure about it so it takes her far too long. I just sit and blurt it out. If she doesn't do a good job I know that Nate or Howard or someone else will fill in the blanks for you.
What I'm trying to say is that I fear I'm not coherant. I don't have confidence that I am. I'm just about too tired to even try. I feel I'm in a free fall now. Please don't expect anything and forgive me if I try and then stumble. I know that I can't keep up with returning emails any longer and will not post to other threads and just concentrate on this one. Who knows? Maybe I'll have a small improvement but I think we all agree that is highly unlikely. I'm just trying to explain that the time to continue doing what I am at this moment is growing very short. Please offer up a prayer for me to pass on sooner rather than later. Rejoice whenever you learn I'm gone. I'm axious for this to be over. I only hope you understand. Remember to keep the messages contained in this thread alive and well inside your hearts.
I love you all. Your help has been immeasureable. Keep writing. If I can't get in here to read then the posts will be read to me.
Pat and I have discussed his hope and faith a number of times. Lest people fear that this thread is going to become some kind of sermon, that was Pats fear. He did not want it to become one. He is sharing the thing which causes him the greatest comfort.
It's easy to ignore the idea of God when death is a theory, but when it changes to reality there are very few who do not hope for an afterlife, and being in good standing with the diety. Pat has faced the reality of his impending death, and realized that if this life is all there is, that there is no purpose to anything. Heaven and Hell give meaning to life, they are not a tranquilizer. I have a huge amount of respect and love for Pat, and I count it among the greatest privileges of my life to have met him and been able to spend some quality time with him. His preparedness to met his future gives me strength,as it does him!
Doug, having gone thorugh the appendicitis, in a foreign country no less, you have my sympathy. It's to bad that we can't live in a world where people are seen as people instead of White/black; male/female; gay/straight. None of those things will matter 100 years after we're dead, why do they have to be so important now?
Howard, if you are having a problem with your God, I am sure Pat will let you borrow his. I borrowed my sponsor's God years ago, until I adopted one of my own understanding. You're a good guy Howard. Your post was this early Saturday morning's meditation for me. Thanks for being there for Lugnut. We have a "digital" date when you return? peace, warren :-)
With a broken thumb in an elbow-length cast, I cannot type much. So in the interest of being concise, as well as to honor Pat's request for a concert review, here goes nuthin':
First, Pat did not feel up to going to the concert. He was (and is) simply too weak and tired. Therefore, Barb and I went to the concert with the neighbor. The concert was of the Boise Symphony Orchestra, playing at Northwest Nazarine University, which sits in a park-like setting of native trees approximately five minutes drive from Pat & Barb's home. Let me back up a minute.
Yesterday, despite Pat's lack of energy, he sat and listened to music with us for several hours. His first comment as he placed the first LP on the platter was, "Sorry I don't have a system that will wow you." He was right. It didn't wow me. But what it did do was pull me into the music completely, and ever deeper by the hour. Not only was this remarkable because of the low cost/high performance ratio of the system, but even more so because it is a solid state system. Please take no offense, it's just that by and large I happen to prefer an all-tube system. And yet, following several hours of listening to Pat & Barb's system, I found myself asking, "Now how much are those Linn amps?" Not a hint of fatigue, and nothing to wow you to the point of hearing only your internal commentary ABOUT the system, while forgetting about the tunes themselves. Nope, this system just plain gets you. In fact, not unlike the live music did this evening.
The middle piece, penned by a 33 year-old composer named Puts, was the highlight of the evening, particularly because of the soloist on the marimba. A diminuitive, Japanese beauty in a rose, crepe dress, sparkling jewelry adorning her wrists, neck, and ankles, she pranced back and forth, up and down the wood-slatted marimba in her high heels, playing rhythms with the dexterity of Robert Fripp, and passaggios with the sensitivity of Horowitz. In a word, she rocked! The other pieces were pleasant, played beautifully by an excellent symphony in a top-flight hall. But that gazelle on the marimba...man 'o man!
Now hours after the concert, as I tap away on the keys of Pat & Barb's computer, a lot of thoughts flood my mind. Pat hurts in the other room. I can hear it. I know he doesn't want me to see him this way. I don't know what to say. I can't keep my thoughts straight right now. I'm wondering if they'll ever come back in a predictable flow?
I've been reading this thread since day one, and now the end is near. I know Pat won't mind me coming out and saying that, because he has already accepted this for what it is, without the need for softening the experience via euphemism, metaphor, or cliche. It's death, folks, and Pat has made us witness to his in the most generous and selfless way imaginable.
Pat and I had a hearty conversation about God today. I won't even say that it was profound, because Pat's company itself is profound. Words somehow seem terribly insignificant, like tacking a sail on a boat whose direction is being driven by a force much more powerful than the wind. Pat might refer to this force as God. That I'm not sure. He spoke of being a believer for a long, long time. He suggested that he might wish for me to believe in God, yet he was unwilling to risk driving me away with the hard sell. I clarified that like other arenas in life over which I lack provenance, I don't believe in a God for me, not in my life. But whether he believes that he hears the most beautiful music coming from his chosen brand of interconnects, or the majestic voice of God in the presence of his life, then so do I.
When I was nine, I remember hearing our rabbi reading about the chosen people from our prayer book. I kept hearing that expression over and over in my mind...chosen people...chosen people...chosen people...and I could not help wondering that if we were the chosen people, then where did that leave everyone else? Shit outta luck? Were they really born with a sort of birth defect for having not come to earth as one of the chosen? I just couldn't stomach the thought, and in my young heart, it rang false. So, I suppose that was the day I became a bleeding heart. No, not in the cliched, socio-political sense of the word. More in the sense that if others hurt, I hurt. And Pat is hurting.
Pat said today that he hopes there is an afterlife. He has some favorite historical figures he'd like to meet there, and old friends that he'd like to see again. I'm guessing that if these folks are wandering around in some version of an afterlife, they're pining for Pat's company even more than he is for their's. Because he's just that kind of a guy. Pat is a person who brings others together. He is a person who cherishes his wife on a parallel with air. Pat is a person who listens for the music in others. And for this reason alone, I love Pat. Pat is so much about giving love in the now that the prospect of meeting him in an afterlife almost seems like a letdown. Because all you have to do is read this thread, or spend five minutes with Pat, to know a slice of heaven right here on earth.
You people are humanity's finest. That's all I know for certain. As I have been with Pat over the past couple of days, it has become crystal clear to me that you all have helped Pat to extend his life. And you did so by moving beyond the wow factor that initiated this thread. You moved beyond it by embracing the music of humanity, represented by an open-hearted, vulnerable messenger, a beautiful man by the name of Patrick Malone. What else can I say? If you say there is a God, then I say it must be you.
I find it odd that your nurse thought you should present the same symptoms as a pregnant woman. That's not quite how I remember you. Has something changed?
I know exactly what you mean about a healthcare professional mis-diagnosing because they don't know you and won't believe you. Nothing could me more frustrating, or more frightening.
Several years ago Paul went into hospital with severe and worsening abdominal pain. He told them it was his appendix. Having suffered a bout of appendicitis while travelling the year before he knew exactly what it felt like.
They refused to believe him. Why? Because his temperature, "wasn't high enough." We could not convince them that his normal temp is not 98.6. It's more like 97.0, so a temp of 99 for him is like 101.6 for most people. IOW he DID have a temperature, they just wouldn't believe us.
These textbook-bound idiots kept him under "observation" (ie, they ignored him) for three days with no pain relief. When they finally went in they found, ta-da!, a hugely swollen appendix.
They also locked him up in a very unpleasant isolation ward. Why? Because a slightly built gay man "must" have AIDS, right? Talk about diagnosing with their prejudices.
This was at Yale-New Haven Hospital, which pretends to be a world leading medical research and teaching facility. Hah! When my appendix flared up I got vastly superior care at our local hospital. They checked me in and took it out in less than 4 hours.
Glad to hear they finally got that fluid drained. I hope you're comfortable enough to enjoy the concert.
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