Many of us have come to know Patrick Malone (Lugnut) as a friendly, helpful, knowledgeable and kind individual. He is a frequent and enthusiastic contributor to our analog discussion forum. He has initiated only 17 threads, but responded to 559 threads. I would guess that many, if not most, of us can recall a time when Pat replied with helpful advice to a question we posted or helped us track down a rare recording. I have come to love Pat as a friend, and to respect him as a man, and I suspect many of you share those feelings.
Today I write to share difficult news with you. Pat has been diagnosed with an aggressive stomach cancer. It has yet to be determined whether surgery will even be worth it. If surgery is performed, most or all of the stomach will be removed, and Pat would face a difficult and long post-op period in the hospital. The medical course is still uncertain, but will be determined soon. Whatever is decided, it will not be easy or pleasant.
Something may be planned in the future to assist the family. For now, Pat could use some of the friendship he so often and willingly showed us. You can email Pat at: lugnut50@msn.com. You can also mail cards, letters ... or whatever. You may email me for Pat's mailing address. My email is: pfrumkin1@comcast.net.
I hope to spend a few days with Pat in Idaho or Nebraska (from which he hails) soon. Between this news, my legal work, getting ready for family arriving for the holidays, Audio Intelligent, and trying to make plans to visit Pat, my head is spinning. If you email me and I don't respond, please understand that I am not ignoring you, but rather simply do not have time to reply.
Pat may or may not have time to respond to posts here, to emails, or to cards mailed to him. But he has asked me to convey to each and every one of you that he has cherished your friendship, your comradery, and sharing our common hobby on this great website.
As we prepare for our holiday season celebrations, and look forward to -- as we should -- enjoying this time of year, I ask that you keep Pat and his family in mind ... and softly offer up, in quiet moments in the still of night and early morning, prayers for Pat and his family. God bless.
. Hi Jeff, . It was great meeting you at the RMAF. I was only sorry we did not get more time to talk. . I love your idea of the Scholarship and will be happy to participate. It would be wonderful to have something that continues on with Pat's name on it. . Best Regards, Larry .
. Hi Pat, . It was good catching up with you on Saturday night by phone and I was glad to hear that you were feeling a bit better. I am truly sorry for the Rollercoaster ride that you continue to endure, but selfishly, I am glad to have you around to talk with. . It was wonderful seeing you at the RMAF and I was delighted to finally get to meet Barb in person. She is the Angel that you always refer to (and you deserve her). . Talk to you soon. . Much Love, Larry .
So great to hear that we can use this forum for so much goodwill. Nate, I couldn't possibly be a nominee since it is for 30 and undersomethings........ but I thank you kindly!
As for Larry and Albert and Chris along with all the rest of the great folks I met, it was great meeting all of you as well at th RMAF.
I agree with Nate that if there is a way AudiogoN can become the administative body for this foundation then that makes a lot of sense. Bring the 18-30 year olds in the door through AudiogoN. Most of them will be brought to AudiogoN by one of us so we will be able to nominate and vouch for their sound savvy. Keep listening and I hope someone knows how to ask the right folks at AudiogoN for their assistance if any.
Well, the chemo is over. I must admit that I'm relieved to be at this point. This isn't giving up. Please remember that. The doc says I've got somewhere around six to eight weeks on average and until I get to feeling bad enough I'll still be posting as much as I can. I can't begin to tell you guys just how much your support has meant to both of us. Too many kind words have been written about me and not nearly enough about this group that has faced this with old Lugnut. You are a very brave bunch to face what you didn't have to face.
Pat, Sorry I haven't posted for a while, but that is not a reflection of lack of interest, as I read every one of your posts and think of you and your and your family's ordeal daily. The impact your posts, reflective of an amazing grace under the heaviest fire imaginable, is an inspiration to the rest of us and I assure you that the "kind words" are inadequate and understated. I don't think you have any idea of the undying and indelible impression your fight has made on us. You and yours are in my thoughts and best wishes. Denis
I'm saddened the chemo can't continue working for you Pat, but I share your feeling of relief that you're off it now. I really grew to hate that stuff watching what it did to my mom. I think it was worse than the disease in many ways, and if it prolonged her life, it also prolonged her suffering. But that was her case, and I know other people whom it saved, just like Lance, so you usually have to try, and I know that you did. In your case I think if it has prolonged your life it has been well worth it. Savor every day, every note, every kiss, and keep giving it hell like I'm sure you are. (For what it's worth, I've intimately witnessed and been involved with the dying process with relatives six times now, and though I don't know your family's plans or situation, if at all possible I strongly recommend staying at home and not going to stay in a hospital or hospice facility. I've found in-home hospice visits and the comfort of familiar surroundings are far preferable, and not only from the patient's point of view. While it does place increased demands on your family members while you are alive, I can say it gives a lot more peace of mind after you are gone.)
I haven't contributed to this thread, but have read it occassionally and have been on Audiogon for many years now. Nobody knows how they will face up to the inevitability that awaits us all, but I think we all hope we can face it with as much bravery and dignity as you have shown. I'm sure the people who know and love you well understand that the world is a better place with people of your strength around us. All of us have you in our thoughts and prayers.
I have only been able to make it halfway through page 11. I have kept current the past week though. I wish you peace in your remaining journey on this earth. May all your future journeys be as joy filled as this one has been. Your strength as you already know has been an inspiration to all who have frequented this thread.
I just have to get us off post #666. I feel better now that I've done it.
Thanks for the kind words too.
Brian, I have to admit to offering up a chuckle or two every time I remember your story about home delivery of audio products. I enjoyed my time with you too. Here's a toast to the first person that can twist your arm to post this mis-adventure.
Pat, your story resonates so strongly with all of us not only because of your courage and grace dealing with it, but also because this exact thing could happen to any of us, at any moment. It really underscores the importance of focusing on the IMPORTANT things in our lives: family, friends, faith, fun - and to eschew pettiness, laziness, greed and fear.
As always, our thoughts are with you and your loved ones (of which there are MANY)!
I don't think I've ever posted though we have talked often. I think its because I really find it hard to find the right words to describe what it is I think about you and your wife. Chatting last night I was astounded more than ever with your amazing inner strength and peace. Hope you are listening to the new lps today. Take care and hope to talk soon
A couple of stories that most likely will have little or no meaning to anyone but me but so be it. As best as I can remember them . I had traveled alone to a nearby town to attend a concert that none of my friends were interested in. I arrived a little early so I decided to go to a bar that was fairly close to the venue and knock a few back. As I entered I noticed a woman sitting at the bar and I was struck by her beauty. It was a little hard to see as the years had disguised it some but it was there if you took the time to look. She was sitting with what I took to be her husband and some friends. I settled in and had a few drinks when I noticed her get up and walk down the bar to visit with some people at the other end. When she walked back I happened to glance up and see her chin quivering a little and a tear was rolling down her face. She quietly sat down and her somewhat oafish husband failed to notice. An elderly gentleman sitting close by did and said hey whats wrong? She looked up her voice quavering and said its just that I heard that Pauls cancer wasnt responding any more to the treatments and I just.. .I mean that . At that point the old man interrupted and said; WHAT, thats nothing to cry about, nothing at all. I could see she was a little taken back by his statement and so was I for that matter. He said in a tender tone; I would go this minute if I could. Her husband spoke up at that point, barked a laugh, and said no way; you would fight for every second just like the rest of us. The elderly man responded no no I wouldnt. At that the husband responded in a loud tone Bullshit you know you would fight to the bitter end for a few more days of life just like we all would. The old man was quiet for a second then slammed his glass on the bar, stood up, and with eyes of steel and a voice to match, he locked his gaze on the husband and he said no I wouldnt. You see all my friends have passed, I am the last, I am alone, I miss them, and I want to be with them again. They are waiting for me and I cant wait to join them. In that moment you could see the measure of the man that he once had been and could still be. The husbands retort sputtered on his lips and he turned away. As I glanced at the wife I could see her smile a little as understanding dawned on her. The elderly gentleman looked back and with a nod he turned away. As he shuffled out the door I noticed a tear running down his face but a smile was on his lips too.
I was watching a documentary on elephants. It showed this herd that was enjoying life in a lush reserve. Inexplicably the whole herd left the reserve and began a long an arduous journey across a desolate an arid land. The scientists that were studying them were perplexed at why they would do such a thing but their interest was peaked and they continued to film and follow them. After a number of days you could see they were coming up to an old, and long since dry, watering hole. In the distance you could see this little white speck. As the herd got closer one female elephant walked ahead as the rest of the herd held back and followed at a distance. As she got closer to the white speck you could see that it was a tiny elephant skull. The female elephant slowly walked to it and you could she was crying as a tear rolled down her face. She reverently and gently touched every part of that tiny skull with her trunk. It was her son, you see, that had passed away a few years back. She had come to say goodbye to him. All the other elephants that made this long and trying journey silently stood by her as she grieved. With a final toss she flung the skull away and the herd turned around and headed back home to the preserve. The next year they show her with a new baby boy romping with the herd. The circle continues...
I am not sure why I posted these stories but I think of them often and they never fail to move me.
I had a couple opportunities to talk to Lugnut today. As always, he has the ability to bring a smile to my face. The first chance, he was so tired he really could not talk, but later this evening we spent some time catching up, and had a great time.
Those of you given to prayer, please remember to mention Pat and his needs, and Barb.
I was thinking even before I read the post by Bin that if I had the choice, I would rather die before my friends. It's hard to be left behind, as anyone who has buried a loved one will attest.
Pat, I respect the way you are leading the rest of us into unknown territory. You know I love you, and continue to remember you in my prayers.
I wish there were words to offer that meant something. I'll talk to you soon!
Holy shit Bin, that had almost too much meaning for me. I hope you continue to post on all kinds of topics. Thank you for pointing out how important love is to those left alone in the end.
I think we need to remember where Barb is on this. When I hugged Pat good by at RMAF as we were all parting for the airport I caught a glimpse of Barbs face. She read me and I read her and both of us had to turn away.
Pat has an angel looking over him but I fear this angel will have the biggest broken heart on earth when Pat passes before her. Perhaps her pain will be worse except for the knowledge of how much her husband loves and worships her.
I just woke up from my best sleep time of the day. It's 10 pm and I laid down about 6 or so to nod off. With the sun setting as early as it does now I don't have a clue about what time of day it is when I awake except if the tv is still on. If there aren't infomercials running I know it's before 2 am. This is just one way I measure my day.
I saw the light was still on in the computer room so I came in here to check my mail and, of course, Audiogon. This is also where I find two of the three phones in the house. Barb will shut the ringer off on one phone and lower the ringer volume of the other two and put them in here. She's trying to protect me as best she can but this is also why I missed Albert's call this evening. I feel I can always nod off into another stupor easily enough but she feels that I need my rest. I can't stop her nor would I ask that of her. The poor woman is at a loss trying to help me in some way.
Nate has first hand experience talking with me with some narcotics in my system today. It's a struggle to speak and follow a conversation sometimes. I can only guess what it's like on the other end of the phone. LOL. Maybe this is payback Nate for springing every joke my way in a normal conversation. Now, it's your turn to follow what the hell I'm saying. Har har.
Bin, I'm with Albert in that you need to post more. Great stories that say a lot. I've received many other stories shared privately through email from other audiophooles too. I think these folks might be a little self conscious if they posted this stuff here for all to see. The prevailing veiw in the ol' USA is that certain things aren't manly. Hogwash. Being what we are in this thread together may be the most manly of things we can do. Having depth to our emotions and expressing them openly as we do here dispells the many urban legends of how simple and shallow men are. Of course I see strength in a broadsword and the arm that weilds it. I also see the depth of that strength in a tear shed, or a gentle, helping hand through softly spoken words of endearment. I'm proud to be part of this particular group of men.
Albert, when this thread begun I knew that if I started to post that I could not stop. That wouldn't be fair. All along I've only wanted you guys to take more away from this experience than it takes from you. I just didn't realize then how big a recipient I would be in turn. You understand the impact this is having on my wife and I can tell it's breaking your heart. This very thing is the hardest of all for me to deal with but I'm getting there. It just is. Nothing more, nothing less. I know you desparately want to do something to help me. You already have. We could talk audio since you've helped me numerous times without knowing it through these forums. We could talk about good times together. Phone calls. Tears. The only thing that matters at this time is what's in your heart and you've allowed me to look right into it. Keep calling.
We visited with the in home Hospice foks today. I have no need to begin this sooner than it's necessary. This nurse commented on how easy she thinks I'll be to work with. I wanted to tell her to give me her albums as a gesture of appreciation. Works for me.
Forgive me in advance for some of the stuff I may post later. I figure you need to know what this is like. At this time eating and drinking just about don't happen. I just don't have the room for anything to be in there. Good for me, I'm not hungry or thirsty beyond what I can consume. For the record, I had three or four crackers this morning and maybe a half glass of water total for the day. Later, it all came back up. Hell, this would be a big deal under more normal circumstances but for some reason the body deals with this during disease. I don't even think I'm dehydrated. Weird. I guess the body consumes itself.
Art, you've nailed it mostly. The things that are important in life are exactly what you list. The courage and grace thing is wrong though.
Gary, several local professionals are meeting to discuss the creation of a paliative care team here. I had encouraged my doctor to be a part of something like this and to my surprise it's already begun. Too late for me but I've got some inside help from afar if I need it.
Thanks for your reply to my mail Pat, maybe you are right about private posting, I am not shy or afraid of emotions, I just fear how in type words cant be conveyed as easy and I would be pretty vulnerable to criticism (and laughing at my spelling) thank god you can read typo!
Pat, please don't apologize in advance or at any time for anything you feel like posting. Fun talk about audio, music and the like are important relief, but don't try to protect us from heavy reality of what you are going through. You deserve so much more from us. Share the weight of your struggle, and don't feel a brave face is necessary. Your bravery has already been established beyond question. You deserve for your friends, as they are able, to share the fullness of this lonely journey with you.
This is my first post to this thread, but have been reading and following since it began. Even though I have never met any of you, your posts have truly touched me. I have read and cried several times. Sometimes out of sadness for Pats situation and bravery, and other times for the compassion and love that is shown by others.
Pat, as you have been going thru your treatments, with all of it's ups and downs, you have been inspiration to me. You are walking dignity.
One of my best friends (Joe) is currently walking the same road you are traveling. His treatments ended about 3 weeks ago and he is currently confined to a hospital bed in his home. His mind is still very sharp and his attitude is very good. I have been fortunate to be able to help him carry out some last minute details that he realizes he wished he had taken care of when he was able. Small things, like sending flowers to his wife for him (yes, a few others are blessed with angels too)and a few small repairs to the house. It is by freely giving to others that we receive our greatest gifts.
Joe has always been a believer in acceptance of things he cannot change. So he isn't fighting the inevitable and gains some peace of mind from this. I go over and sit and visit with him daily until he runs me off. But we have had some of our most memorable visits these past few weeks and months. It's a shame it sometimes takes stuff like this for us to get real in our friendships. I have no qualms about telling my friends and family that I love them. A few friends have kind of looked at me funny at first, but they grow to learn what I mean by it and they now return it when told. I think you know what I mean when I say that.
So, even though we personally don't know each other, I can honestly tell you that I love ya and I want to say thank you for sharing some lifes journey with me and others. I have learned alot.
Very good question. I have a list of near range needs I know she'll have but for the most part I can't imagine this group being able to help. If the roles were reversed I could (and would) request my friends come over occasionally to cook and clean so that I could tend to my wife. In this case she doesn't have the depth of good friends to call on like I do. Besides, she probably wouldn't ask. It's just not her. I'm planning to contact her family and request that they come in shifts to lighten her load. None of them live close but they can do this without any hardship being placed upon them. I'm pretty sure they will rise to the occassion. My sister will probably come but I can't expect that of her. Her husband's company is closing the location where he works on Jan. 1.
For this group I ask you to send her a card individually after I'm gone. I'd hope that you would stand by her if she needed advice about a system problem or the like. She's very good at operation of things but doesn't have a clue otherwise. She could keep these cards and refer to them when she needs the help. Something as simple as packing the turntable in the original boxes is a perfect example should she decide to move. The fact the system has Aktiv crossovers within the power amps is another example if she needed to hook things back up after painting the room. Small things, but overwhelming to her I'm sure.
I don't expect anyone to do this but if you do, please be committed to following through. I know she would be quite sensitive if a year or two down the road it was inconvenient. (Now I feel like I'm a jerk for saying this-you guys are so great) I've had a couple of incidents this year where I was truly counting on some help that was repeatedly and freely offered only to be left high and dry. I'd just like to save her any such emotional turmoil.
I'd be lost running this place if she were gone. Man, in this case I'd be quite happy to find out that I wasn't needed. Can you drop by and sharpen my lawnmower blade a couple times per year and change the oil? LOL. The address is in this thread but feel free to drop me an email and I'll forward it to you. Thanks for asking and if I think of something else I'll post it.
Steve, thanks for your thoughts. I have so many grown men tell me they love me! I know it's true. A great gift that costs nothing to give. My greetings to Joe. If he's an audiophile maybe we'll meet up soon and listen to real music. I expect that to be the case.
Newmanoc, I'm sure I'll share the details. For now, with the help of oxycontin, I don't have any real pain except for the really short, mysterious ones. I have a lot of discomfort that's nagging me almost constantly. I can handle this just fine but I realize I clinch my jaws a lot. It kind of pisses me off more than anything else.
Hey, as far as favors....you guys can stop by anytime and flip these darn records for me so I can just plant my lazy butt in the sweet spot. Har har.
I know you have been the strength behind Pat's grace, and I know how you have grown from your role. I say I know, when of course I have no real experience other than watching my wife live for eight years through many nights where she and I wondered if this was it. I generally ended up in the emergency room, but more often lately, we simply ride it out.
The point is my wife has grown into the most incredible person I know. She continues to share her fears and sadness, but way above that she continues to laugh. Countless times over the years we had two options, one was to laugh and accept the futility of the situation, the other choice was to cry and fall into an abyss of darkness. far too often I hear people say how amazing she is. (of course I am jealous of the attention and wonder why they don't see me, I'm kidding, she deserves all the accolades as do you)
My wife, as with you have kept seeing the good in the day. I know you have the tools to move forward, but I hope you will allow Pat's friends here at Audiogon be a part of that journey. I think the people you and Pat have met through this thread are something much deeper than simply audio geeks. The two of you have reached out with your love, and our souls have recognized this love. Please allow us to continue share and grow with you.
Oh yea, your still here aren't you Pat? Damn! I thought a little opening of my heart could lead to some flirting and...
Sorry I forgot you were still...
But one last thought, for those of us who would like to share our thoughts and love with Barb, I wonder if you would be comfortable posting your address, or is it best to keep that off line?
I love you two, your amazing!!!
JD
Thanks Albert for your post above, you showed me a different side of you.
Pat you have been teaching me (all of us, no doubt) about life in an unprecedented way, without prompting, just by being Patrick aka Lugnut.
Just by being Patrick aka Lugnut (:)) I know you'll always be there for everyone...
My words are poor and I feel much too incapable to do something worthwhile and say something worthwhile... you noticed: my mind immediately jumped to an "exchange" and Pat, you don't belong to the "you give s/thing you take s/thing" world. You are in the "give s/thing" world.
If /when I manage to fully understand your legacy, I for one will have gained some of your strength & courage -- and by remembering these lessons, I will be capable in turn of passing some of this legacy to others who depend on me (I have two small children).
It is now 11:30 am, half-way around the world, and I am at my office trying to picture Barb and Pat.
I am thinking that there will be moments when either Josephine (our daughter) or Christian (our son) will come to me with their "problems" and I will be able to say, "...cheer up and let me tell you what two good friends from across the Atlantic have to say about this...".
That's fortunate indeed and I can count myself among the lucky ones.
Pls do excuse this public display of emotion -- I guess the "stiff upper lip" is somewhat failing me and words are still inadequate.
I wonder if there is a charitable group or organization you would want those of us that choose to remember you could donate to. If you don't believe in that sort of thing and you wanted to have us send money directly to Barb I don't think anyone would find it objectionable. Your words have taken on a life independent of your own. I will print this thread when it's done and use it as a source of comfort and inspiration to the unfortunate ones that may undertake the journey you've travelled so gracefully in the future.
Gregm you should just try to picture Barb as she's a lot cuter than Pat. He'd be quick to say the same thing...
I'm not sure what it means but I still have a picture of Pat that I snapped with my camera phone while we were in Dallas together. I should probably move it to a safer place. I would hate to loose that picture.
J.D., As usual thanks for your words. I can post my address here if you wish. It's already in this thread somewhere. Just to clarify what I'd like Barb to call on is just phone help, walking her through properly boxing stuff or hooking it back up. I'm sure there are Linn guys here and Supratek guys, etc. so she'd get really good help. Maybe she'll need advice on what to do with my ashes after she's got a new boyfriend. Not you J.D.; you've already got a wife. He he. Albert is one fine friend. Address is: 307 W. Sherman Ave. Nampa, Idaho 83686
BTW, Barb knows how to log onto my account and will post updates when I lay down.
Gregm, greetings back at you. I do hope that some good can come of this thread after I'm done with it. It's a terrible thing but I'm getting used to the undeserved compliments. People that have known me my whole life just think my behavior here is a logical extension of who I've always been. Talk too much. LOL. Can't help it, really. Your thoughts are touching, especially the ones regarding your chldren. Maybe yours will listen to what I have to say. Mine don't. There is a photo of Barb and I buried deep in this thread. It was posted by Jphii. Yeah, she's a lot better looking than me. Poor, blind girl got suckered.
Jsonic, I'll have to think the charitable thing over. At first blush I'd like to think there would be several billion dollars offered up so why not start one? Really I'd like you guys to consider what Ampster had to say above. It would be cool if it could be pulled off. Not many have commented on it.
Nate, you need to quit sending me gifts. Save your money and buy that Kinner plug and play record player you've been wanting.
Just a note about weird experiences. So, I'm taking a fair amount of oxycontin so I'm kinda high all the time. Also, I eat and drink so little I'm surprised that I can even sit here and type. I delay taking my morning meds until I've finished writing. I'm no longer the sharpest knife in the drawer. Yesterday was weird. I was seeing things in my peripheral vision and found myself constantly turning my head to see what was going on. It kind of scared me. So, I ate more food than normal and kept it down too. Maybe I can be scared into getting better. LOL. It was unsettling.
I posted here a couple years ago and this is the first post I have read since. After reading it, I almost have a feeling that something drew me here so I might learn something.
Being something we all face in some inevitable form or another, I can only hope I find some degree of the strength, courage, grace, and, if fortunate,...friendship witnessed here.
Craig, you have been missed, and I for one believe we indeed were drawn back for a reason. I too was gone for almost two years, and one of the first people I found was Pat. He reached out in a very special (spiritual) way that told me I was indeed in the right place.
At any rate, we need more clueless people at Audiogon, and those of us who realize we are indeed clueless missed our leader.
You mentioned having a hard time eating and drinking. Have you checked with your doctor about a diet?
In the mid-late eighties a physician named A. Scott Connelly found that with proper nutrition his patients' bodies could fight disease much better than if on a standard diet. Unfortunately, he sold out and caters to the bodybuilding industry now, but it doesn't negate the medical advances he made through engineered nutrition.
At any rate, my thought is to make sure a certain diet wouldn't be beneficial to you in this difficult time.
Every day you're with us and well enough to live a meaningful life is a blessing to every one of us fortunate enough to be touched by you.
Hey Pat, have you had a chance to listen to the new Roy Orbison LP. I got an copy, I have never really been a strong fan of his but this is really a nice LP, I may have to listen to a bit more of his music. The LP quality and sound is amoung the best I have heard. PS, after our chat this morning I may not wait to use the name Linn once I have kids but instead save up for an LP-12 turntable and name it Emily. dav
I'm sure glad to read of your return to posting in this thread. I have missed your seasoned tube knowledge during the time I was making my move into a Supratek, after trying a few others. But, what I really missed most is your clever wit. Every time I read that you remain Clueless made me get a smile on my face. J.D. said it pretty well. Please stick around.
Aggielaw,
I've run the eating and drinking problems past my doctor as well as a nutritionist/dietician at the tumor institute that continues to care for me. I'm pretty well convinced that something could be done to help some but not by way of diet. The correct type of steroid may be of some help. My abdominal environment lacks free space. The last CT scan showed a blanket of mass attached to my abdominal lining. It appeared to me to be everywhere and spooky thick. I would be curious to see another CT scan but figure it would just confirm what I've experienced before. My stomach has been the same way, very thick top to bottom. When I say thick I'd judge that we're honestly looking at tumors around 1 1/2" thick. Certainly by now other places that showed small tumors previously will have grown. The stomach and intestines move around quite a bit moving things through it. The tumors aren't muscle and don't want to move. They squeeze the rest of the undiseased parts when they want to move and all this friction causes a build up of fluid inside the abdominal cavity adding to the lack of space. Steroids would reduce the inflamation and maybe allow the body to absorb some of the fluids and free up some space. Honestly, I look at this as a mechanical thing. The question really boils down to: is this something Lugnut wants to fix? I'd like to think I'm wrong on my perception about helping these types of things. It's hard to write about. Not because it hurts me emotionally but because it takes a concentration on my part (that's hard to do these days) to explain fully what I've come to believe. I'll try here because I think it's important to the audience if at some point they find themselves in a similar position.
Most countries probably wouldn't have elected to preform the surgery last January that was done to me. (Sorry if this reads a little choppy but it wil be worth your effort to try and get through it) At that time I was approaching a total system blockage. Left untreated I would have died in fairly short order by lack of nutrition and hydration. I was vomiting more than you can possibly imagine, nearly a full time thing. Many illnesses that are easily treated world wide, but due to poverty aren't, kill the young and elderly in this fashion. In the scope of total misery experienced this would be a much more friendly way to have gone than what awaits me now. I wasn't in much pain back then and would have just gone unconscious at some point and faded away. I've extended my life by the procedures that have been used and I've tried to take advantage of every extra moment. It has been worth it but now it's time to pay up on my end with a different way of death. I have this deep belief that anything I do now to aleviate symptoms will only add to the total misery of the trip. If I do something to eat and drink a little better, the cancer isn't going to halt its prgress. If I do well enough then I'll certainly have a blockage of the bile duct which is major crisis time. Bile backs up into the liver and causes uncontrolable pain while the liver is destroyed. This takes about two weeks. The small tumors in my lungs will just get much bigger and put pressure on nerves that are beyond sensitive and I would stuggle for breath. If I slip into unconsciousness due to lack of nutrition or water before these things occur then I kind of think it would be kinder to me to just let it go.
I'm a pretty strong guy in a number of ways. I've always healed quickly and have a high tolerance for pain. I also have been able to put issues I write about here out of the normal plane of existance. It's kind of like a properly set up vinyl system and surface noise. You're not aware of it because it seems to be out of the room. The thing that has come through loud and clear is that deep inside a process is happening that is out of your control. I've mentioned before how things fall off my radar. I'm not as interested in a lot of stuff today that held a lot of interest for me just a couple of weeks ago. There are a lot of things that I could miss now that we take for granted on a daily basis. For the most part I no longer miss them at all. Something that resembles normal eating, drinking, taking a comfortable bowel movement, vitality and endurance have been taken by the disease. Other things, most notably sex, have been taken away by drugs. I can still remember enjoying all the benefits of good health but I just don't miss them enough to really care.
I could easily allow myself to fall into a rountine of laying in bed and having Hospice and Barb take care of me. A large part of me wants to do exactly that. I'm doing this mental heavyweight fight of continuing on with a select few things as opposed to giving up. At some point the disease will win and my body and will to live will have been beaten. That is the nature of a prolonged death. I witnessed it with my father when he too died of cancer. It is normal.
I'll give you my short list of things I want so desparately to continue until I take my last breath. Closeness to Barb. Communicating with this group through this thread. Closeness to select friends. Enjoying my music. The list has subtle aspects to it that I'm not going to elaborate on like my little gene pool. I've left them out but they are in there. Other things too.
Here's a great example. Two friends recently brought over a total of three music DVD's for me to watch. Eric Clapton's Crossroads guitar festival, Bob Dylan Unplugged and Neil Young's Praire Wind. Normally I would have watched these several times by now as these, IMO, are some of the best, at least for my taste. Sadly, I have zero interest. That's because I have only so much interest to spread around. Barb is off work today and we'll put them in but my attention will be at the background noise level. That's all I can give.
I chuckle at my attitude about all of this. Should I even think for a nanosecond that I can direct where my attention is going to go when It's obvious the process is in control and not me. It's like Star Trek and the Borg. Deep down I think that resistance IS futile. I hope what I've written is somewhat understandable because this is one valuable thing you guys can take away from this and make your lives better. This is not giving up. It is what (and I stole this term from someone I'm grateful to. Thanks, Paul) I call gentle acceptance. This particular post is important enough that I'd like to think you guys will save it to a word document for future reference.
Last night a local friend came by for me to listen to some CD's of his. He came at seven and left around 9. Just prior to his arrival another friend just showed up unannounced. I have no problem with that but it screwed up my schedule and I didn't get to eat a bite (literally) before my CD bearing friend arrived. Barb gave me some food right after he got here and during the visit he ran the CDP and I just remained seated. I felt pretty good. When he was leaving I asked if he would give me some advice on some classical CD's I have so I'd enjoy the better ones and save the lesser ones for a later audition. I don't have all that many CD's, maybe a total of 30 and I keep them leaned up against the wall next to the CDP. I bent over to scoop them up and instantly realized I'd done something my body didn't want me to do. We quickly went through them and I told Barb she'd just have to put them back for me, that picking them up was a mistake. Suddenly my stomach had a sharp pain and my mouth watered just a little. I had to excuse myself to go vomit. Consider that this was a total intake of maybe three normal bites of halibut and ten small french fries. I can't just puke and be done with it. No, it must last a very long eye buldging time trying to get up more of what's not there. It's a space thing triggered by the act of bending and putting extra pressure on that confined area.
This is an accurate picture of what this is like but don't take the mental image too far. I plan on hanging up an embroidered banner my sister made for me that quotes Rust Never Sleeps...It's better to burn out than to fade away. It's a cool banner especially since she put my 1/16 note arm tattoo, mirror imaged, on each end of the quote. I won't be hanging them myself but allow Barb or someone else to. Doing this kind of thing would make me puke even if I don't eat. I will get myself cleaned up today as I have some vistors coming again. I always feel much better when I interact and still enjoy music, especially recent vinyl. Each day still gives me pleasure and I honestly try to take advantage of it. I must admit though that it takes a lot of effort on my part to prepare for those pleasures. Man, it's like packing for a trip. All my ducks need to be in a row. I don't want to look worse than I feel so I need to somewhat stay on top of my appearance. That stress is self-induced since nobody really cares one whit except me. Man, if I let myself go I'd really be spooky around Holloween. LOL. I'd do this for no other reason than Barb. She always looks so nice for me.
I've rambled on enough. I may post some thoughts I have on our passion of audio but fear that what I have to say may not be taken properly. Being vague and evasive with a comment like that may bring you readers back.
Each of the posts that get the pleasure to read mean a great deal to me. I enjoy the company here and find each morning that I check in to be one of the high points of the day. Have a good one!
Sorry but my memory is pretty poor at the moment. I have the album where he is singing with a bunch of different heavyweights if that's the one you mean. I do like it. I also have an import pressing of his greatest hits. Man, is that a walk down memory lane. He was one of those great artists that made a lasting impact on the music scene. If there is another album you're referring to then I haven't heard it.
I enjoyed our visit. Talking about Linn used for a middle name put a lasting smile on my face. Buying a Linn and naming it Emily is priceless.
I like the Hey Hey My My banner. Another great Neil Young song that captures the melancholy aspects of shedding our mortal coil is Sugar Mountain.
BTW, like many others I only know you from what Ive read here, and you probably dont recognize me since I rarely post (perhaps out of fear of sounding trite or from feeling a bit inferior when I see the systems of most who do post often). Im glad though to see youre a believer and Im looking forward to meeting you at the next Sugar Mountain (and fortunately we wont be leaving that one).
Pat, thank you for your update. Your one hell of a guy!!
I want to tell you a little story, and I hope it doesn't bore you. About 20 years ago, my dad was in the hospital, faced with having his decision on whether he would undergo his 2nd bypass surgery. He had been thru it all before about 8 years prior and had come to the conclusion that he would rather not deal with going thru it all again. My 2 brothers and my mom talked me into going in and trying to talk him into having the surgery. Playing on his possible ability to continue to see his grandkids grow up, I told him that we all wanted him to have the surgery. The docs at the time gave him a 50/50 chance of surviving the surgery. I could tell he didn't want to, but if everyone wanted him to, he would have it. Long story short, he had the surgery, but never had much of a life afterwards. As a matter of fact, it proved to be a living hell for him the next 7 years. Both legs amputated way up past the knees, daily cramps and phantom pains that would have him literally screaming for up to 24 hours at a time. Even large amounts of morphine did no good to give him relief. I have long regretted talking him into having that last bypass surgery and have cried about it many times. He passed away about 5 years ago, and before he died, I told him how sorry I was for talking him into doing what he really didn't want to do. He laughed and said, that it was his decision all along and that I shouldn't worry about it. I leaned down and gave him a big hug and kissed his forehead. We both had tears running down our faces, as I do now talking about it. When my dad died after years of pain and torment, he just went to sleep and didn't wake up. It was kind of cool though, he actually had a smile on his face, which was something I had not seen from him in a long time. I felt sadness and loss, but those were my own selfish feeling for my loss. It took a very short time before I got a very vivid realization, that I feel was placed there by a power greater than myself. I could imagine my dad dancing with angels. His long suffering was over and I was greatful for his peace. he deserved it. He had fought a long battle and finally got his just reward.
What I learned from this, was it is each persons own decision to decide their lifes choices. It is my responsibility to support that persons choice and accept it. This actually has very little to do with what you are going thru, but any choice you make will be fully supported by me. Thank you for sharing your difficult times with me. It means more to me than you will ever realize. May Gods love and peace be with you!
Pat, I read your detailed post about what your body, and, in a sort of almost detached, absolutely rivetingly honest way, you described what your mind and soul are going through.......I did a double take, shook my head and conclude that, in my entire life, I have never witnessed or been privy to such a display of 1)total honesty in the face of almost indescribable discomfort and total realization of the facts, unobscured, unfiltered and unsmeared or filtered from your full consciousness 2) total lack of self-pity, 3) preservation of your appreciation of what's important to you right up to the end, but 4) most starkly, undisguised and screaming loudly at us all is this message that hangs out there, as if suspended for all to see, hear and touch:
I, Lugnut, am near the end of the road, but I will bare it all and live what's left with all of you, because you all may benefit from what I'm telling you and feeling and thinking. It may change your (ours, that is) way of dealing with life, death, pleasures, disappointments and put them all in a perspective that reading your epic journey will cement in a different, shuddering way.
In my book you stand alone in my encounters of persistent and unflinching pure-bloooded guts and fiber for this last hugely selfless and, costly, to your energy and resources, stand to drum into us the real and relative values of life's hills, valleys, cliffs, volcanoes and peaks, which you articulate to us as you coast them daily. The biggest shock - not in a sense that I am surprised that it is you who is the author - rather than the fact that anybody, not yet sainted or deified - can have this strength and will to make a statement of this magnitude.......this blows me away.
May your final thoughts and solace be not that you have guided us, albeit true, but that you have left a legacy for Barb and your gene pool that any other Medal of Honor winner, will look down at you, smile and say, "Yeah, he is one of us..........." This legacy to your family will be peerless, matchless and priceless to them in their years ahead, not to mention the genes giving them the same Right Stuff to achieve their own amazing feats of living that their forebear did. That is your royal prize, the biggest of them all. That will be the thought and satisfaction that will finally allow you to go in real peace............
I am sorry, deeply, that I didn't ever meet you, but believe you me, we know you. And we are infintely richer for it.
Though we have only met through TWL at this past Denver show, reading this thread since that time has restored my faith in the inherent goodness of humankind. I have grown quite cynical regarding audio forums and this is my first post in a long, long time. Praise God it is here having to do with two very beautiful human beings.
One day hopefully not too soon there will be a post that says Lugnut passed away last night. His journey has brought so much closeness amongst A'goners that I would like to know what we are supposed to do after he's gone. Do we tell Lugnut stories, correspond with eachother, with Barb? I know we'll all mourn his passing but maybe there's a way to keep the spirit he has awakened in all of us alive. Any suggestions? This includes any you may have Pat and I am sorry for relegating you to the past tense.
Pat, It is the "All Time Greatest Hits of Roy Orbison". I just got the phono card for my new Creek Amp and am back in vinyl. It has been two days and that has been hard, though I must admit, that since I got a Hydra, digital sounds down right, acceptable.
Yeah, if anybody ever asks what makes a Linn LP12 so good you can always tell them that it's the only turntable that you could name "Emily" and not insult the universe. I mean, could you see Albert's "Rockport Techno System III Very Serious" with a name like "Emily". No, that machine is "The Rock". Some of us like things soft and sweet, others watch wrestling. (No intended insult to vinophiles out there who may own and appreciate these fine beasts).
I hope to do a little dedicated listening this weekend as it has been a hard week. Maybe a nice bottle of Oregon wine, some fine music. Maybe nature will do something special and provide a few snow flakes. Yep, it's going to be a good weekend. Maybe something stupendous will happen. dav
Sorry Mr. Porter, somehow I thought that you had a Rockport, my appoligies. However, if you went out right away and picked one up at your local Hi-Fi store this thread could retain it's high degree of accuracy and attention to detail. dav.
Patrick, I think you know from my stories how much you have come to mean to me. Though in some ways this has been brutal it has also been beautiful and I feel honored that I have been able to participate in it in a small way. We will all someday travel your path and I thank you for showing us the way.
I just stumbled onto this thread recently. Stunning. I am not sure what impresses/moves me more - that Lugnut (great name) is sharing his experience or that people are here hanging with it. I mean, mortality is something we usually try to put in the closet and hope it doesn't get us. Oops. And instead, people on this thread are talking about maybe the most mysterious aspect of life. With a guy who is fully conscious of his mortality and who is writing about it, out loud, publicly, in its mental, physical and spiritual dimensions, in technicolor and surround sound.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is extraordinary. On an audiophile forum, no less.
One little add. I work in the medical field. I was at a conference last weekend focused on breast cancer, dealing in part with the quality of breast cancer survivors' lives, post treatment. The presenter's data was that the quality of life for those whose treatment was surgery and/or radiation was essentially the same as the rest of the population. But those women who had had chemotherapy (meaning a more serious cancer) reported a higher quality of life than the population. This is a paradoxical finding, because chemo is no treat. I suspect it is because women who are given chemo really have the veil lifted to their ordinary denial of their mortality, and as a result, experience a spiritual response to this heightened awareness, as if we all know a depth equal to the event.
Not just for Pat, but for all of us: may we find our way to love, itself.
Your last post just takes one's breath away Pat. If you have time and strength to "post some thoughts I (you) have on our passion of audio," as you mentioned above, I'd love to hear your refections on the topic.
And re your comment above that "this particular post is important enough that I'd like to think you guys will save it to a word document for future reference".....well, I'm sure the entire thread is downloaded into harddrives and hearts all around.
A tune that was playing last night as I checked into this thread but really didn't have the courage (is that the right word?) to post.
A tune by Warren Zevon, the first verse goes goes....
"Shadows are falling and I'm running out of breath Keep me in your heart for awhile
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less Keep me in your heart for awhile
When you get up in the morning and you see that crazy sun Keep me in your heart for while
There's a train leaving nightly called when all is said and done Keep me in your heart for while
Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo Keep me in your heart for while"
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