Speaker size and bass

The 2 subs I'm using (different systems) are smaller units, more 'in proportion' to the drivers they back up.
In a closed space, a sub will excite the room modes and (after a fashion) put you 'into the sub'....

Unless you're driving around the car and trying to unscrew the bolts holding it together....then too much ain't enough.

Wear a diaper......your colon might rebel and surprise....

In other words, having bigger speaker doesn’t really help much in giving more or better bass, because we are constraint by the volume.

Perhaps, a re-phrasing. The challenge is get all of the sound waves to arrive at the listening chair - at the same time - in a coherent manner. Since LF sound waves propagate very differently than HF sound waves, the results will be different for every room - and where the listening chair is located within the room. (Depending on the Hz, bass waves can be anywhere from 10-30 feet long.) That’s why peaks & nulls will be revealed when walking around a room.

At a concert at The Greek Theater in Los Angeles, I was sitting 10 rows in front of the bass player - slightly off center - stage left. I didn’t hear any bass notes. Nothing! Was his electric guitar even plugged in? I walked over to the mixing board 20 rows back - center, the bass was full and pounding away.

Some manufacturers (eg: Vandersteen) are now putting amplifiers on woofers in their floor-standers to help with integration. Long ago, I decided that 2 large monitors with multiple powered subs worked best for me - in my room. This allowed for fine tuning the integration - arrival time at the listening chair.

You could try tone control.

I've heard great things about the Schiit Loki.

It's fairly inexpensive and would cost you maybe $25 bucks to try it if you didn't like it.

https://www.schiit.com/products/loki

I like the suggestion of biamping. I like subs in the HT room but for music I always found subs more harmful than useful. Placement that uses room boundary's to support bass are not dependant on volume but can take some time to locate.

I've always suscribed to the notion that if you want a big sound you need a big speaker.  If you compare this to say, an orchestra,  then the more instruments the larger audicence they can play to,  This is the same for say a marching band.  A properly adjusted sub can reinforce the bass at lower volumes but will require constant setting changes for almost each track to maintain the proper balance.

 As for the wife, perhaps you might find what she likes listen to and play it loud until she complains....you should already have a SPL meter and at the level she complains is the same level you should be able to play your music.  There are zero quatentees this will be met with a rational resoponse - afterall  she is 'THE WIFE'  There might also be certian days of the month that her response will not be consistent - afterall she is 'THE WIFE'

The other solution is either BOSE noise cancelling headphones for her of perhaps a High Quality set of headphones for you...I have a pair of 'old school' Koss Pro 4A's but haven't had to use them for many years as I replaced the wife with a loving dog who loves to listen and sometimes howles along to 'the floyd'  :)

The other thing that you can do is biamp your speakers with an amp that had its own volume control. I did this many years ago when I had a smaller room. At the lower volumes, there was no bass, so I just adjusted the bass amps volume to play a little louder. I eventually went to 2 subwoofers that had a separate external controller that provided eq settings as well as volume

It sounds like having subwoofer(s) is the only solution.  In other words, having bigger speaker doesn’t really help much in giving more or better bass, because we are constraint by the volume.

As MC suggest DBA bass is better than most, and rightly so. The distortion levels are much lower. The reason is simple, many drivers doing less work. They are easier to control the over shoot. Less distortion in the sub/bass, bass and midbass regions equals a lot cleaner LOW MIDs on up (300 hz >).

Most folks don’t realize 20% distortion in the bass region is tough to hear, until you clean it up. Then everything else sounds better, cleaner, MUCH greater detail.

What your partner is hearing is the annoying left over of ALL the bass, and lack of room treatment.

I’m a column guy, close in theory to DBA. The difference is I like to break up the mid/bass and use it in a stereo fashion. 100-300 hz is pretty dog on directional. Point the MB at your setting position, and control the sub/bass with a servo system.. You and your partner will see a big difference.. You will get wonderful BASS, but you partner won’t get the nasty THUMP!!!

Slow Jazz, salsa, flamingo, just no Yoko Ono....

Regards

Volume isn't merely a consideration, with bass it is everything. Look up Fletcher-Munson equal loudness contours. This is a graph of the way we hear the different frequencies. Low bass frequencies are all bunched together. What this means in practice is we hardly hear low bass at all until it gets fairly high in volume. But then once it crosses that threshold we are really sensitive to the volume level. This is why they used to put loudness controls on amps, to turn up the bass to make it sound right at "normal" (ie not loud) levels. 

The same thing happens at the other extreme, just not as dramatically. The overall result is one fairly narrow range of volume where we hear things in a good balance. (If we ever do. A good case can be made that we never do.) This more than anything else explains why we think things sound best at a pretty high level (way higher than conversational level) but then can't figure out why the sound changes so much when all we did was turn it down a little. Equal loudness curves, that's why.

There is no way out of this trap by the way. Its a psycho acoustic fact of human hearing. As far as speakers go though we don't have to be stuck with giant monsters. Multiple subs actually perform better, and the unusually smooth bass you get from a DBA goes a long way towards ameliorating the problems inherent in equal loudness perception. You still need to set up your DBA levels for your intended listening level. But separating the bass level where the biggest loudness perception shift happens from the rest makes this a whole lot easier than any of the other options.