How we clean records in Texas

Listen, folks, vacuums are for floors! Steam cleaning is for refineries! Down here when I buy me a used record, I spit on it a few times and wipe it off with my sleeve. Works real good. My buddy Randy does somethin' different--he has his dog Rambo lick the record clean! Now, it ain't easy to train your dog to do that. Randy says he used to rub some deer meat on the record (this was after we been huntin'), but now that ol' dog, he like the taste of vinyl. Sometimes Randy come home and find records scattered all over kingdom come, but they're right clean. And lemme tell you, you can't do this with a little dog. One of them chihauhaus'd take all day to clean a record. (Rambo's a big ol' dog.) And I can tell you, don't try this with no cat, neither. They got tongues rough as toad-bellies. I tried it with this ol' alley cat that comes around, and he darn scratched up my Knapperbusch Decca LXT Bruckner Third somethin' fierce.