Many of us have come to know Patrick Malone (Lugnut) as a friendly, helpful, knowledgeable and kind individual. He is a frequent and enthusiastic contributor to our analog discussion forum. He has initiated only 17 threads, but responded to 559 threads. I would guess that many, if not most, of us can recall a time when Pat replied with helpful advice to a question we posted or helped us track down a rare recording. I have come to love Pat as a friend, and to respect him as a man, and I suspect many of you share those feelings.
Today I write to share difficult news with you. Pat has been diagnosed with an aggressive stomach cancer. It has yet to be determined whether surgery will even be worth it. If surgery is performed, most or all of the stomach will be removed, and Pat would face a difficult and long post-op period in the hospital. The medical course is still uncertain, but will be determined soon. Whatever is decided, it will not be easy or pleasant.
Something may be planned in the future to assist the family. For now, Pat could use some of the friendship he so often and willingly showed us. You can email Pat at: lugnut50@msn.com. You can also mail cards, letters ... or whatever. You may email me for Pat's mailing address. My email is: pfrumkin1@comcast.net.
I hope to spend a few days with Pat in Idaho or Nebraska (from which he hails) soon. Between this news, my legal work, getting ready for family arriving for the holidays, Audio Intelligent, and trying to make plans to visit Pat, my head is spinning. If you email me and I don't respond, please understand that I am not ignoring you, but rather simply do not have time to reply.
Pat may or may not have time to respond to posts here, to emails, or to cards mailed to him. But he has asked me to convey to each and every one of you that he has cherished your friendship, your comradery, and sharing our common hobby on this great website.
As we prepare for our holiday season celebrations, and look forward to -- as we should -- enjoying this time of year, I ask that you keep Pat and his family in mind ... and softly offer up, in quiet moments in the still of night and early morning, prayers for Pat and his family. God bless.
Since my post of 10-19 my head has been reeling from the respones. Springbok, your post brought me to the point of sobbing uncontrollably several times. Honestly, it must have taken me an hour to read through it. To think that another human being thinks enough of me to post such thoughts moved me to a place I've never been before, even though (AGAIN) such praise is undeserved from my perspective. Mysteriously, I think I needed that crying session but don't ask me to explain. It's a very good feeling to know I'm thought of so highly. So, I guess I really did deserve to be drafted into the Springbok team?
Wdi, I am a believer and have expressed it here numerous times. This thread is connected to a supernatural power in such an obvious way that it's given me hope that everyone who reads this is moved closer to their own sprituality. Funny. Nobody has been critical of my witnessing here. Isn't that kind of supernatural in itself? Again, the message contained herein is a gift to everyone. It's not about me, music or you guys even though we are the active participants. We are being shown how to treat one another the way God intended. We are being provided with insights into an area where we cannot go and come back. Sugar Mountain has taken on a larger meaning with your mention of it and Neil's latest album, Praire Wind, and the song If God Made Me. I feel that song was written for my personal needs.
Jsonic, You have picked up on what has been nagging at me for some time and that is the need for this message to survive for as long as possible and shared with however many are drawn to it. (And no, I'm not at all bothered by being placed in the past tense. I've already gone through that shock in doing so myself awhile back. Yeah, I reacted strongly to it at that time but not anymore.) I don't know how best to do it. Many months ago I said that a book should be written and said that anyone is free to tell this story in any form. The fact that I'm a username is good. I'm pretty sure that the power that has influenced all of us will not die when I do and that someone will be moved to share it. Of that I'm confident and leave that in the hands of He that is directing this.
Steve, I'm pretty sure that I posted my own story about my father being in the process of dying and how I carried him to get an IV at a nearby medical facility. He was given another month of life by my action but paid dearly for it. I too have felt a lot of personal guilt for doing it but after witnessing how that extra time was put to such good use I've realized that Dad wouldn't have had it any other way. His last unresolved issue was brought before him and laid to rest. Be at peace because it is what it is.
Ted, you and I cried together at RMAF in your showroom. LOL. I wonder what all the other folks thought! Just kidding because you and I know that this was our time to be what God wants us to be with each other. I'm glad I got the chance to meet you and experience the size of your heart.
Ccryder, your last sentence says it all.
Okay Clueless, here goes. Gentlemen light your torches! I'll try to explain my ideal approach to what we enthusiasts are attempting to accomplish. I do need to qualify who it pertains to though. It doesn't include gear heads for the sake of being gear heads. You know, the folks that have had more pieces of gear than pieces of music.
I was so lucky to have grown up when I did, coming of musical age in the sixties. Luckier still to have an older sister and brother that shared their music with me before I developed my own path to travel on. Even my parents were influential playing their music from my very beginning. Mainly, my siblings and my parents were doing this for their own enjoyment and I just was tolerated. Still, I appreciate the experience.
A lot of you can probably relate to my connection of music and events through my life. The music has its own impact on me but is also profound in how it brings up the emotions when I first heard it. I love that way of measuring my life rather than counting the days. I'm really thankful that I wasn't concerned at all about the audiophile attributes of those recordings. If I'd been burdened with that stuff I would never have gained any real love for what was being created.
I've spent a lot of seat time listening to live music. At lot of it has been amplified. But I've listened to live unamplified music in many different environments. Symphony, small intimate theatre, outside, club, motel room and in my home. I'm an okay acoustic player and know exactly what my guitars sound like in total solitude. I know what it's like to listen to my voice recorded or that weird place of singing to oneself listening from inside and out at the same time.
I love detail, resolution, texture and tonal balance as much as anyone. Finding a black background where all of this springs forth from is the path toward inner and outer detail as well as hearing the leading edge of notes and their proper decay. Having these attributes in our systems is what it's all about but I fear few realize the danger of taking it too far and if taken far enough all of that great music we love from our earlier days becomes unplayable or at the very least uninteresting. I think it's time we admit this line exists or we risk losing that precious childish nature we have for the pure joy of the song.
I've known this for a very long time but rarely voice this opinion to other enthusiasts for fear of offending. Maybe it's more a function that I don't want to be rejected. Whatever. Technological advances have taken us beyond any reasonable definition of enough in this regard. It seems to be the holy grail but comes at the expense of musicality and IMO destroys what it is we are trying to do.
I've listened to systems that just blow my own system away if measured by the standards listed above. Funny thing is, when those systems are playing I enjoy them more when a crowd is there and there is talking. Background noise. Interference. Traffic. It's all part of the mix too. Too much of the details just makes me ooh and aah the tiny things so that I'm constantly critically evaluating. No joy for me there at all. I'm not being picked up and carried away.
For sure, there is a need I have for ear candy from time to time. In my own system I most enjoy the best recordings I have being played while in the company of others with light banter going on. Even the furnace or AC coming on is okay with me. That's much closer to real for me when compared to the live experience.
By far my favorite time alone with my system is listening closely to those older, less respected records that move me. The deficiencies of the record are enough and I don't need the crowd to be with me to lessen all of those sonic nuances. I get picked up and carried away and only set back down again when the stylus is in the run out grooves.
Some of us are way too impatient. We change gear at a pace that is accelerated and I see where the acquisition of software is similar in a search for the same goals. IMO, it becomes more artificial when taken this far as compared to how artificial it was listening to my cars am radio when I first learned to drive.
Craig, what I'm getting at is we need to take live experiences to the plate but we shouldn't be guilty of removing the other aspects of what live really is. It includes other spectators breathing, coughing and talking, the rustle in the seats, air systems, etc. I've yet to hear the resolution at a live event that I hear in many systems except on very rare occasion of usually a single instrument. Even my humble system can be too revealing at times.
Man, I hope I haven't pissed anyone off. In all fairness the one thing that is missing now that I valued so much way back is radio. If we had great radio then maybe we would be buying more music that picks us up and carries us away now. Software is where it's at.
Spirituality, indeed defines this thread. A higher power gave Paul the initiative to start this thread a year ago. It was fate that brought Pat into my life, I responded to something he said on another post about souls. Love continues the progression of this thread and with little doubt will continue it in most of our lives forever. Once we learn how important love for each other is, how could we go back?
“Imagine there’s no religion, it isn’t hard to do…” John understood the spirituality being shared here. There are no rules being place upon our love here. There is no judgment being place on the words we share, only love. This is God; He is here, teaching every one of us through an experience we share through Pat’s life.
Future interactions will happen, and they will be forever altered by this thread. I doubt it will be confined in this thread, I expect it will permeate every aspect of each of our lives. This is GodÂ’s work. We need no religion telling us how to love one another or share an experience together. This is spirituality and no matter what we are taught by man, this will carry through all religions, for this is love, and our souls are love.
As years pass, we will never forget the lessons learned from PatÂ’s experience. Pat, you will never die, and the people you have touched will never be the same. Our job, as we proceed into the next chapter of life is to carry what we have learned to everyone we meet. If we truly feel the love and spirituality shared here, and if our lives really have been changed, than it is not possible to go backwards. God is love, and the love we share here is God. If we keep Pat in our hearts, his life will permeate thousands of other lives. The fact that this is an international forum means many religions, many beliefs; many backgrounds have found a common feeling, love. Share this every day, and the world will change.
Imagine
Imagine there's no heaven, It's easy if you try, No hell below us, Above us only sky, Imagine all the people living for today...
Imagine there's no countries, It isnÂ’t hard to do, Nothing to kill or die for, No religion too, Imagine all the people living life in peace...
Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can, No need for greed or hunger, A brotherhood of man, Imagine all the people Sharing all the world...
You may say IÂ’m a dreamer, but IÂ’m not the only one, I hope some day you'll join us, And the world will live as one.
I believe Lugnut, you have hit the nail on the head! For myself, music in it's most moving form can be a spiritual experience(Coltrane does it for me, or some good shakuhachi music). It seems we have this goal in the beginning to amplify our experience with better equipment. Only to fall into pitfalls of getting the next best thing, all most like the junkies next fix. Thus losing the "soul" purpose in the begining, which was to be moved. It sounds like to me that you are ready to go "home" to the spirit world and will leave a great legacy here on this plane. When I say go, don't take it the wrong way, just that it feels like you have reached a place of peace within yourself and your life. I hope these words find you peacefull and full of Joy. P.S. if you are in Nebraska, drop me a line if you want someone to meditate with or play or pray with. I live in OMaha.
Wow! I grew up in Gretna, went to school in Lincoln and worked in Omaha before moving here in '87. My sister still lives there. I don't miss the weather or the taxes. I really hated to leave my friends but either they come here or I've gone back often enough on vacations to ease the loss. I'm certain I won't be going back but if you are in this area (Boise) I'd love to have you over. Since you are vinyl based yourself I'd let you be in charge of operation.
Pat, thinking of you yesterday while playing with a new toy of mine, I ripped from the vinyl album onto the Alesis Masterlink's hard drive my favorite Neil album I haven't heard too much of recently, 1975's "Zuma" (all numbers save for "Through My Sails", which IMO is overshadowed in this company, the smooth CSNY treatment not sitting well with me alongside the ragged but right Crazy Horse emotional exorcism of the rest). With the the pre-echo-announced intros and extended fadeouts digitally tidied-up and the track-to-track volume levels equalized, I set the remaining 8 songs on continuous loop play and proceeded to saturate at high volume with the house empty for the afternoon.
I found that some stanzas from a couple of my favorite tunes therein brought you even more to my mind, despite the complete lyrics subsequently diverging from any analogous situation. But one valuable thing about good songwriting, you can personalize it as you find necessary...
From "Barstool Blues" (with slight editing liberties taken):
If I could hold on to just one thought for long enough to know Why my mind is moving so fast and the conversation is slow
Burn off all the fog and let the sun through to the snow Let me see your face again before I have to go
Once there was a friend of mine who died a thousand deaths He trusted in a woman and on her he placed his bet
From "Don't Cry No Tears":
Don't cry no tears around me Don't cry no tears around me
'Cause when all the water's gone the feeling lingers on
Oh true love ain't too hard to see
Meanwhile, my admiration for your hard-earned wisdom and honesty just keeps on growing - truly inspirational, considering what you've graced us with already and the effort required simply to write. (Please let us know if you ever want some ammo in particular to help reload the CDP, I'm sure somebody here can always assist.)
Pat, I hope you had a great time yesterday. Did you tell Barb 'happy birthday' for me? What kind of music does she like to listen to while celebrating? It's the software...!
I got your email, thank you. I wish I had some words of wisdom to impart to you but your so far ahead of me, I won't try.
Tell Barb I said "Happy Birthday." As a gift, perhaps she could be the "dancing girls" of your dreams in your own private party. That should motivate you enough to let your friends at Audiogon how your doing.
Wish I could be there to lend a hand, I'll call again soon. Hopefully my timing will be better next time. As always, I feel worthless, wish I could do something really good for you.
For those interested, and have not had the pleasure of gazing upon the handsom mug of Mr. Lugnut, check out the post by jphii 7/18/05. It's nice to put a smile to the words. Hope your finding peace this day Pat, Barb, and many friends. I hope the music is beautiful and finds a welcome home in the heart. dav
Temptation. Good temptation. Temptation that challenges. That's what's on my plate today. But first, some general news as an update. We'll get to the rest of the story later.
I mentioned earlier that we had visited with a Hospice nurse and made our arrangements but hadn't yet begun the scheduled visits. Late last week I received a follow-up phone call with the basic purpose being to determine if we should start the visits. I told her I felt that since I could, for the most part, care for myself and motivate around the house without assistance that it was too soon but I did have an issue that concerned me. I went into limited detail about my eating and drinking issues, kind of wondering how long my body could tolerate the situation. She wanted to know what it is I eat so I explained that because I eat so very little I just get a small amount of whatever it is Barb is fixing, explaining also that Barb tries to fix things that are easy on me. I'm never tempted by meat or dairy as she doesn't prepare them any longer. This gal got a little annoyed with me saying that I just eat a little of...whatever. Then, she told me I should eat things that are super easy to digest like yogurt, applesauce and over cooked peas. Well, I did alter my diet and the verdict is not out yet on this change but at times I do eat a little more and it seems I want and do drink more than before. Is this good news? I don't know but I'll keep it up.
Saturday (Barb's birthday) wasn't a good day at all for me. Yesterday though I woke up feeling better than usual and was groomed by 10 am. We had a friend and his entire family of wife and three kids stop by unannounced and enjoyed a great visit. This was one of those gifts from God that I'm most thankful for. I've witnessed before in this thread but feel that I shouldn't go overboard in fear that I'd push someone of another faith or one that's on the outer fringes of faith away from it. With that thought in mind I'll keep this short and offer up at this time that I'm just explaining how amazing it is to find my existence filled with gifts that I can only explain are supernatural. Ray is a cop but also an assistant pastor at a local church. I've never attended this church because I don't want my current beliefs questioned, causing me doubt, or make anyone else question their beliefs if I were to express mine. Besides, I've found through the years that organized religion is all too often a business and that the message is used as a control of the customers. There are countless churches out there that don't fit in that box I've put them all in. I know this. When this family sat down I seemed to have my message once again pour out of me and expressed a desire for feedback. It was a very emotional experience for me. At times Ray would speak and intertwine what I was experiencing with gospel narratives reinforcing this is the way it should be. One of his detailed remarks was of a sermon he was working on that tied into exactly what was happening to me. This was uncanny in that of all the things one could sermonize about, this subtle aspect could go a lifetime without even being addressed. Again, this was a great visit that contained yet another message for me.
A fellow that I contracted with to do long term maintenance of our trees and shrubs decided to work in our yard for the day. To make a long story short, the interuptions prevented me from napping. A couple of friends who had scheduled a visit came over and we talked about a lot of stuff, laughed and had a generally good time. It was a good day.
In between the two groups that came over I fielded a phone call from a stereo club member, the guy that provided us with symphony tickets a few weeks ago. He's really laid a challenge before me. The Boise Philharmonic will be playing in our town at a really great venue at the NNU campus which is about five minutes from where we live and we've been offered complimentary tickets once again. I'm so incredibly touched by this and really want to go. I'm sure that I'll need a wheelchair to prevent testing my endurance, but other than that getting cleaned up will be the only real challenge. Here's a brief description of this event. Help me get pumped up guys.
Maurice Ravel's "Mother Goose Suite" Kevin Puts' "Marimba Concerto" featuring Naoko Tadaka Dvoraks' Symphony No. 3
I'd never considered the mirimba as a concert intrument but I've always enjoyed xylophone and vibrapone in jazz. It seems it would be an interesting mix. Thoughts?
Alex, Zuma is my favorite Young album because of Cortez The Killer, IMO the best song he's ever done.
Nate, I conveyed your birthday wishes. Others sent such greeting via email.
Craig, maybe I'm just a retro kind of guy.
Albert, you are far from worthless. Each time we speak I feel reinvigorated. We talk of all those things that life's about with the freedom of expression reserved for close friends. I don't need to be politically correct with you or even measure my remarks. That is priceless and worth more than one can measure.
Davt, even I like the photos posted here of Barb and I.
You know, there are numerous reference to me using glowing terms I feel uncomfortable with. Let's turn this around for a moment to get my take on you guys expressed. I have no choice but to be where I am going through what this is. I didn't step into this situation as a goal for accomplishing something. It just is. You guys don't have to be a part of any of this. You come to this thread voluntarily. Many of you have called, mailed, emailed or made arragements for us to meet face to face. You guys keep coming back. And I know that it hurts to ponder the words I write. There is a lot of misery you guys are a part of and I know fully the emotional cost involved as this has unfolded before you. This isn't morbid curiosity either. Tears are shed often for the trials of old Lugnut. You guys keep on keepin' on. You don't have to, but you do. You are the brave ones, the ones that are trying to discharge some of your life forces into my life to help me along the way. In my mind you are trying so very hard to give a part of yourselves, ripping bits and pieces from your souls in sacrifice to mine hoping and trying to keep me afloat. You have succeeded. The time we have spent together in these threads have been some of the most important moments of my entire life. I have absolute confidence that you all will remain faithful. I didn't get that from a simple desire to have it. No, you have just shown me that this is the way you are. Being the overly curious guy that I am I'd really like to know the answers now about things that probably can't be answered, at least in this lifetime. How many people follow this thread and never post to it? Do you guys feel as I do that we are a part of something that is so rare and special it defies conventional wisdom? Whenever you read about someone just checking into Audiogon after a long absence and stumbling across this thread is your reaction like mine, kind of other-worldly? Is there a nagging desire inside of you for this message to continue like I have? Has anyone else connected the dots as I have concerning a supernatural control of what is unfolding before us?
Thanks to you guys for being who you are and for allowing me to be me.
...it's a God thing. I read the Lugnut thread like I read my daily meditation and do my daily prayers. I don't chime in, but have followed you from the getgo. Rare for me, with the loquacity/ego gene-- not to put my 2 cents in. Lugnut, I will miss this thread when you're gone....I may never see anything like this again... peace, warren :)
This might not be the right place to ask, but does anyone know how a person could save this whole thread and all the responses? I'm not real big on computer stuff, and I don't know how to do anything but print the one page which is open...
Many email or discussion board threads have auditing capabilities built in at the server level (the level of detail varies however). Perhaps someone at Audiogon can talk to their IT department (or whoever they may outsource their server administration to) and get an electronic file burned to a CDROM that contains all the messages in the thread.
Nate: I'm no expert either, so if anyone wants to amend this to something simpler or better, or to correct any mistakes I may have made, please have at it...
For each page of the thread (the operation has to be repeated separately for every page), click on the date of the first response to open and display all the responses for that page. Then click on "File" in the toolbar, and click on "Save As". When the dialog box opens the cursor will be blinking on the highlighted "File Name" line - press either "Home" or "End" on your keyboard and then type in the current page number (at either the beginning or the end of the title, respectively), because all the pages can't have the same title when saved. Then choose your save destination at the "Save In" line - probably somewhere within "My Documents" if you're saving directly to your computer's internal hard drive, or the external recordable media drive of your choice to save it outside your computer (you can also do this later once saved to your hard drive to back it up, which you'll want to do if it's important for you to archive this for a long time) - and then click the "Save" button. (This will save the page in the original HTML web format which is easiest to view. You could, in a more complicated operation, copy and paste the plain text into Word and combine everything into one document, but I think staying with this graphic appearance and putting up with the separate pages is the preferable method.) Once saved on your hard drive, the pages can be opened offline by clicking on "Start" and then "Documents", etc. for whichever page number you wish to view.
P.S. - Hi Craig, good to hear from you once again, especially here (I too am otherwise gone :-)
One of the members here, Lou is making a book for us out of the thread. I've asked him to offer it at some price for you guys. No, this has never been his intent, he was just being incredibly nice to Barb and my gene pool. It would be nice for the message to live on as I've said many times. Anyone out there has my permission to use anything that I've posted. My point is only that this is a supernatural event and the message of love is so evident here beyond anything that could spring forth from this world that it should be shared. It's not about me, audio or much of anything other than we all connected in the manner we were meant to. Whatever floats the collective boat is okay with Lugnut.
Pat- I've been absent for a while in terms of participating, but you are never far from my mind. I check in on as often as I can, and usually with a combination of eager anticipation and fear. Anticipation to share a bit of the amazing humanity that pours out of this virtual conservation, fear that I am going to read that you have been having a an especially tough time while I have been away. I am most sad that I could not get to RMAF; I was sure I could go and you said you were not sure that you would be up for it; and it turned out the other way around. My family needed me that weekend and so I missed out on what must have been a terrific time and the chance to put a voice and face on the "Lugnut" handle. Speaking for myself, I know I am getting far more than I am giving. I'm not a religous man so I can only say that you and your "gene pool" are never far from my thoughts. As I've said before, the most remarkable thing (beyond your generosity and strong spirit) is the way this group has used the most anonymous of media to facilitate a deep, communal experience. I will always treasure this; it has been one of the most amazing things I've ever been witnessed. Perhaps I may have taken it very personally due to my wife's recent bout with breasst cancer, and also because one of my colleagues and friends also went down the very same path you are on, about 10 years ago. Best Regards, Michael
I hope I am not over stepping my bounds here but I have made a Word doc of this complete thread to date. With Pat and Lou's permission I will distribute it to any one that would like a copy. Warning it is 266 pages long and 1.17MB.
You can email me through Audiogon. Again I will do this only after I have Pat and Lou's permission.
I guess technically I should have everyones permission before distributing this.
I put it into a single MSword doc like Alex noted is possible. It's really not too hard. This saves all the links to folks in a "live" fashion. You can click on them in the word doc and it brings you to the link.
1)Open an empty (new) document in MSword.
2)Now..go into your browser to Agon to the top post for a given page and left click on the date of the first post like Alex describes. This opens all of the text of the messages on a given page.
3)Hold down the left click on the mouse with cursor on date of first post ( or you can start elsewhere as explained below) and, w/ left click held down, scroll (pull cursor down with mouse) down to the end of the page. This should turn the text blue. Lift up on left click when done.
4) With all text blocked blue, right click with cursor on any part of the blue text. In the menu that displays left click on "copy."
5) Go into word doc and right click when you have the cursor where you want the text to start. In the menu that displays left click on "paste." You have the text in a word doc.
When you add the second page to the Word doc make sure the cursor is at the end of the first page before you click "paste."
You can save the text in at least a couple formats. If your cursor is on the date of the first post when you begin scrolling down you do not get the yellow Agon format. If you start scrolling with the cursor on on "Responses" in the dark band that heads each page (or a few other areas) you save in Agon yellow background format.
Hope this helps. I tried to proof these instructions. If it doesn't work for someone drop me an email. Word docs can be easily attached to emails.
I had the privelge of wasting an hour of Pat's time this evening. What a joy it is to be encouraged by his peaceful demeanor, and calm thoughtful words, and strength of faith.
Patrick,I hope you have fun tonight listening to tunes with Barb and your friends.
I certainly hope your weekend plans work out properly too.
Pat, I am just going to let this rip. I read your narrative with awe, and want to communicate back. It feels a little awkward to talk of such personal things in a public forum, but you are the trailblazer and I am just walking in the path you cut.
I think the two qualities I read you experiencing are faith and surrender. I think it takes this kind of big experience to contemplate something as wild-assed as our own death. I have periods where I experience faith as the complete solution to the deepest questions I have asked. It's not just faith in a noun, or even in a concept. It's more visceral than that. If I had to put it into words, it would be that "God Is," that there is a source of my own consciousness beyond my ego and will, and it feels like Love, itself. Closely aligned with it is gratitude, and the desire to serve. I do nothing to earn this wonderous perception - I can't manufacture it via my effort- but it exists because what I'll call God exists. The natural emotion is one of worship and celebration. At last, eureka, I am not just an ego efforting my way uphill. And so surrender is part and parcel of it - maybe also said, alignment of my will with that which I worship. Of course, I fail at this more often than not, but that's not the point. Forgiveness and redemption are abundant, and a part of the process. Touching into this is precious.
The reason I am writing about it is simply to celebrate with you this discovery, for you in your terms & for me in mine, that we both, and countless others, of all faiths, in all times, have stumbled upon. It takes the sting away; it leaves one able to love, at last. I hope as you read it, some of what I feel now is shared, a celebration of that which is holy. Chuck
I've just read a somewhat unpleasant post on another thread. After wasting time, energy and karma typing and deleting a dozen hard-edged responses, something brought me here instead.
Better to breathe again deeply of Lugnut's spirit than to add any unpleasantness to our world. Thank you Patrick and all of you, just for being. Just reading today's newest posts stilled the voice of anger and argument. Please forgive me for even mentioning it here.
P.S. It's great to know that Warrenh and Zaikesman are still around. Both of them helped me out in past years, sharing their experiences and knowledge freely and generously. Hi guys.
Doug, thanks for the kind words. I never left the 'gon. Been browsing mostly. Audiogon ennui sets in every so often. This thread, however, has been so emotional, insightful, provocative, gut wrenching and most of all: inspirational. I'm proud to be apart, if mostly, in spirit. The cream has risen to the top. It's a beuatiful (God) thing...peace, warren
Thanks Alex but I am clueless. It's a little ironic (I'm sure, on the other hand, some of you don't tink it ironic at all - hehe) how true that handle turns out to be and in such a different, deeper, and more meaningful way.
I'm decent at some of the little piddley sh** in life but I feel, likely like some of the rest of you, that I'm getting a life-lesson in the larger-heroic stuff here.
Despite what you say above Pat (and it's very generous of you) about the others here being brave... You are the Leader and Light here for us all.
I am sorry for not responding earlier but I was out of town for over a week and have just caught up on this thread.
The entire thread had been copied and pasted to a word file. I have also gone through most of it and cleaned up all misspelled words except when slang was actually the preferred way to go. I have cut out all link lines under the person's name. Where Lugnut speaks I have offset that in a different font and color making it easier to read Pat's comments/responses quickly. I do plan on offering it on cdR to whoever wants it for the cost of a mailer and postage, or in a zip file for free. The reason for this is that I have picked up the pictures too.
As Pat has stated I plan on presenting a printed copy of this thread to Barb with a very special rememberance inspired by the spirit of this community or dare I say tribe of loving thoughtful people.
LOL. Methinks Doug was smart enough to not post to a thread I wasted my time on. Hey, I might be long in the tooth, kind of drugged up and sick but I'm learning, I think. For sure, there are better things to do than respond to uuhm, aahh, those kinds of posters.
And, Warren I don't blame you for lurking around in the background after the merciless beatings you took for choosing Star Sound products. Their stuff isn't cheap but it represents a huge value in the long run and stops the revolving door of equipment in ones life. Yeah, their stuff is that good, especially those speakers!
So, Clueless, you've discovered the answer to one of life's great mysteries. Realization that the more you know, the more you realize you don't know. Ahh, enlightenment.
Thanks Lou.
Sorry I haven't written more earlier this week but I've been sick. I've got a written excuse. Boa2 (Howard) is arriving early this morning to visit for a couple of days. Remember, Howard showed Barb and I such a great time in San Francisco. Man, I wish I could show him a good time here. I'm sure he knows exactly what this is going to be like. I'm also sure that the visit will pick me up. I'm thankful he's coming and hope to influence him to pick up on an analog front end. His system just screams for one. I scored a third seat to the symphony on Friday evening too, thanks to Glen, one of my audio club members. If we can pull it off then Howard's trip may have something to remember other than me being sick. Barb has the day off so we'll probably do some listening that's longer than usual.
Please say a prayer or cross your fingers in hope that this will be an enjoyable visit. Have a good one and post away. I won't be posting much but love reading what you guys have to say.
Pat, I have read your love of good music and audio and friends. I hope you will be able to attend the upcoming concert. I also know how much you enjoy the love and friendship you experience in your life. But I have a question for you.
Have you ever thought of what the music might sound like in the afterlife? I bet it will be amazing. Maybe the word Heavenly won't even do it justice. Maybe God bless and keep you until then. You are a truly a very blessed man!!
Howard's a great guest. Told him to make himself at home and he is. Old Lugnut has been so casual all his life that he'd expect a visiting nun to put her feet up on the coffee table and go dig around in the refrigerator for some munchies. Hey, and he even tolerated listening to the transistors that, unfortunately, are still in my system. The turntable is safe since he'd have to pry it out of Barb's hands and she has two while Howard has only one. Besides, he most likely aspires to a more audiophile appoved device. The LP12 is noisy, lots of pops and clicks, no imaging and a lack of detail that rivals my early 60's VW Bug am radio. Every time you walk across the concrete floor to flip a record you have to readjust the suspension. Funny though that he wasn't begging to listen to the CDP. He is polite.
Life is interesting. Some of you guys have noticed how I look at my condition in a somewhat detatched way. I find the process interesting but I'm getting to the point where "detached" may no longer be possible. There aren't any breaks from it anymore unless you count time I'm actually asleep. I'm acutely aware of what's going on every waking moment. The pain is controlable. Most of the discomfort is not. The discomfort is pretty constant and I don't think any of it can be outsmarted. I really want you guys to realize that how you look, act and speak can and will be used against you when you communicate with a health care professional. In many ways if one were to wallow in self pity and overstate their misery level you would get better care. Here's a great example. My Hospice nurse visited on Tuesday or Wednesday. Can't remember. She had a lot of questions and during the course of our conversation I mentioned that part of my problem must be fluid build up in the abdominal cavity. She looked at me and dismissed it out of hand because of the appearance of my stomach area. She then told me of another person, a woman, that she cares for suffering from the same malignancy. Apparently this woman truly looks pregnant. This kind of set me off. Not that I got utterly rude but I was close to firing her right then. I was wearing some jeans at the time this conversation too place and I explained to her that a few weeks ago I could button my jeans and have 4" or so of clearance. Hell, I could just grab them and pull them down to my ankles without unbuttoning them. Now, after no food and losing around another 12 pounds I was about 4" shy of being able to button them. Still, I look pretty trim if only I could stand up straight. Well, yesterday shortly after Howard arrived I got a phone call from the closest hospital telling me to come in asap for an ultrasound. Bottom line is they inserted a tube, hooked up a couple of vacuum bottles and removed 1 1/2 liters of fluid. This relatively simple proceedure has offered me a lot of relief. It should have been done sooner and should be done again when needed. Man, it's frustrating thinking that having a good attitude and being pleasant works against you.
I've also requested trying some other types of pain medication just because. Without eating or drinking the meds I now take are pretty hard on whatever stomach I have. If I throw up because I'm taking pain meds then we need to change them anyway. Might as well find out now what will and will not work. There are a lot of options and I don't think any one is better at managing pain than another. It's just a matter of which fits your condition better.
There's a possibility that the fluid removal may allow me to eat and drink a little better. I'll find that out today. I sure hope I can. This is no exaggeration. If I can't eat a little better I'm going to stand up one day soon and go down like a ton of bricks. I feel near to doing so several times a day as it is. That would be the point where I'd need someone with me all of the time. I get a little bit of comfort being able to motivate on my own and want to postpone needing full time assistance as long as I can.
I can pretty much promise that I'll attend the concert tonight. I'm looking forward to it and would be very happy if the three of us did this together. Howard's such a sweet guy that I think he'd remember it for the rest of his life.
Albert called last night. Like so many people that care about me he is really frustated that something can't be done. Honestly I think the guy would trade all his gear for a Wave radio and my returned health if he could. Albert, and anyone else that feels so terribly helpless, remember that just talking to you makes me feel so much better even if it's for a short while. (Note to Nate: you need to postpone your next upgrade and buy a phone that sounds close to tolerable) LOL.
Sorry if reading this stuff is depressing. It's about all my life consists of so I don't have much else to report. I am okay in spite of how I sound and I'm not depressed.
Those Star Sound/Systrum racks are as good as you've read Nate. From what I've heard with my own ears they are the end of the road.
I'm really glad to hear about you getting that fluid out! That must have incredibly increased your comfort level. While I understand that you are probably never very comfortable, any improvement is good!
I hope you plan to review the show for us tomorrow.
Pat, I'll Shanghi your thread for a few minutes since you asked me to report my findings with the Starsound rack.
FedEx delivered it yesterday. True to form, one of the boxes was broken open and the top shelf was damaged on the front edge, where it will be seen everytime someone looks at it! It is certainly a two man (or one woman) job. I realized after I went past them that two of the shelves are upside down. Having only three legs makes it much easier to put all the ICs and PCs into place.
The rack certainly isolates the sound. Images and sounds are smaller, and more detailed. At one point I was listening to a U2 LP where they do a song with 'Voices of Freedom' where there was a vocalist easily three feet outside the boundry of the speakers. I have listened to this track a lot of times and have never heard this happen before.
I am very happy with the results of putting the Starsound rack in place. People can argue whether or not this design is effective, but I have heard the results and it is well worth the cost. My results were similar to what you found when you added the Audiopoints!
Well, my brother, you remain, as always, in my prayers!
I really hope that you fell good enough to enjoy the concert tonight. Looking forward to short review.
I must say I have to swallow a number of times reading your daily logs but I find something so special in them that I have to come back. I only wish, like everyone, that you were not paying such a price.
Re your comment above that "Honestly I think the guy [Albert Porter]would trade all his gear for a Wave radio and my returned health if he could." I think I can honestly say we'd all do that in a blink and go back to am radio too boot. I never had the chance to meet Albert but never mind the "hifi"...I have feeling he'd hack a limb off if it would help.
Here's hoping you get a good concert in this week-end.
I find it odd that your nurse thought you should present the same symptoms as a pregnant woman. That's not quite how I remember you. Has something changed?
I know exactly what you mean about a healthcare professional mis-diagnosing because they don't know you and won't believe you. Nothing could me more frustrating, or more frightening.
Several years ago Paul went into hospital with severe and worsening abdominal pain. He told them it was his appendix. Having suffered a bout of appendicitis while travelling the year before he knew exactly what it felt like.
They refused to believe him. Why? Because his temperature, "wasn't high enough." We could not convince them that his normal temp is not 98.6. It's more like 97.0, so a temp of 99 for him is like 101.6 for most people. IOW he DID have a temperature, they just wouldn't believe us.
These textbook-bound idiots kept him under "observation" (ie, they ignored him) for three days with no pain relief. When they finally went in they found, ta-da!, a hugely swollen appendix.
They also locked him up in a very unpleasant isolation ward. Why? Because a slightly built gay man "must" have AIDS, right? Talk about diagnosing with their prejudices.
This was at Yale-New Haven Hospital, which pretends to be a world leading medical research and teaching facility. Hah! When my appendix flared up I got vastly superior care at our local hospital. They checked me in and took it out in less than 4 hours.
Glad to hear they finally got that fluid drained. I hope you're comfortable enough to enjoy the concert.
With a broken thumb in an elbow-length cast, I cannot type much. So in the interest of being concise, as well as to honor Pat's request for a concert review, here goes nuthin':
First, Pat did not feel up to going to the concert. He was (and is) simply too weak and tired. Therefore, Barb and I went to the concert with the neighbor. The concert was of the Boise Symphony Orchestra, playing at Northwest Nazarine University, which sits in a park-like setting of native trees approximately five minutes drive from Pat & Barb's home. Let me back up a minute.
Yesterday, despite Pat's lack of energy, he sat and listened to music with us for several hours. His first comment as he placed the first LP on the platter was, "Sorry I don't have a system that will wow you." He was right. It didn't wow me. But what it did do was pull me into the music completely, and ever deeper by the hour. Not only was this remarkable because of the low cost/high performance ratio of the system, but even more so because it is a solid state system. Please take no offense, it's just that by and large I happen to prefer an all-tube system. And yet, following several hours of listening to Pat & Barb's system, I found myself asking, "Now how much are those Linn amps?" Not a hint of fatigue, and nothing to wow you to the point of hearing only your internal commentary ABOUT the system, while forgetting about the tunes themselves. Nope, this system just plain gets you. In fact, not unlike the live music did this evening.
The middle piece, penned by a 33 year-old composer named Puts, was the highlight of the evening, particularly because of the soloist on the marimba. A diminuitive, Japanese beauty in a rose, crepe dress, sparkling jewelry adorning her wrists, neck, and ankles, she pranced back and forth, up and down the wood-slatted marimba in her high heels, playing rhythms with the dexterity of Robert Fripp, and passaggios with the sensitivity of Horowitz. In a word, she rocked! The other pieces were pleasant, played beautifully by an excellent symphony in a top-flight hall. But that gazelle on the marimba...man 'o man!
Now hours after the concert, as I tap away on the keys of Pat & Barb's computer, a lot of thoughts flood my mind. Pat hurts in the other room. I can hear it. I know he doesn't want me to see him this way. I don't know what to say. I can't keep my thoughts straight right now. I'm wondering if they'll ever come back in a predictable flow?
I've been reading this thread since day one, and now the end is near. I know Pat won't mind me coming out and saying that, because he has already accepted this for what it is, without the need for softening the experience via euphemism, metaphor, or cliche. It's death, folks, and Pat has made us witness to his in the most generous and selfless way imaginable.
Pat and I had a hearty conversation about God today. I won't even say that it was profound, because Pat's company itself is profound. Words somehow seem terribly insignificant, like tacking a sail on a boat whose direction is being driven by a force much more powerful than the wind. Pat might refer to this force as God. That I'm not sure. He spoke of being a believer for a long, long time. He suggested that he might wish for me to believe in God, yet he was unwilling to risk driving me away with the hard sell. I clarified that like other arenas in life over which I lack provenance, I don't believe in a God for me, not in my life. But whether he believes that he hears the most beautiful music coming from his chosen brand of interconnects, or the majestic voice of God in the presence of his life, then so do I.
When I was nine, I remember hearing our rabbi reading about the chosen people from our prayer book. I kept hearing that expression over and over in my mind...chosen people...chosen people...chosen people...and I could not help wondering that if we were the chosen people, then where did that leave everyone else? Shit outta luck? Were they really born with a sort of birth defect for having not come to earth as one of the chosen? I just couldn't stomach the thought, and in my young heart, it rang false. So, I suppose that was the day I became a bleeding heart. No, not in the cliched, socio-political sense of the word. More in the sense that if others hurt, I hurt. And Pat is hurting.
Pat said today that he hopes there is an afterlife. He has some favorite historical figures he'd like to meet there, and old friends that he'd like to see again. I'm guessing that if these folks are wandering around in some version of an afterlife, they're pining for Pat's company even more than he is for their's. Because he's just that kind of a guy. Pat is a person who brings others together. He is a person who cherishes his wife on a parallel with air. Pat is a person who listens for the music in others. And for this reason alone, I love Pat. Pat is so much about giving love in the now that the prospect of meeting him in an afterlife almost seems like a letdown. Because all you have to do is read this thread, or spend five minutes with Pat, to know a slice of heaven right here on earth.
You people are humanity's finest. That's all I know for certain. As I have been with Pat over the past couple of days, it has become crystal clear to me that you all have helped Pat to extend his life. And you did so by moving beyond the wow factor that initiated this thread. You moved beyond it by embracing the music of humanity, represented by an open-hearted, vulnerable messenger, a beautiful man by the name of Patrick Malone. What else can I say? If you say there is a God, then I say it must be you.
Howard, if you are having a problem with your God, I am sure Pat will let you borrow his. I borrowed my sponsor's God years ago, until I adopted one of my own understanding. You're a good guy Howard. Your post was this early Saturday morning's meditation for me. Thanks for being there for Lugnut. We have a "digital" date when you return? peace, warren :-)
Pat and I have discussed his hope and faith a number of times. Lest people fear that this thread is going to become some kind of sermon, that was Pats fear. He did not want it to become one. He is sharing the thing which causes him the greatest comfort.
It's easy to ignore the idea of God when death is a theory, but when it changes to reality there are very few who do not hope for an afterlife, and being in good standing with the diety. Pat has faced the reality of his impending death, and realized that if this life is all there is, that there is no purpose to anything. Heaven and Hell give meaning to life, they are not a tranquilizer. I have a huge amount of respect and love for Pat, and I count it among the greatest privileges of my life to have met him and been able to spend some quality time with him. His preparedness to met his future gives me strength,as it does him!
Doug, having gone thorugh the appendicitis, in a foreign country no less, you have my sympathy. It's to bad that we can't live in a world where people are seen as people instead of White/black; male/female; gay/straight. None of those things will matter 100 years after we're dead, why do they have to be so important now?
Your story about Paul really makes me angry and sad. I'm angry that there is so much unnecessary suffering because the health care industry doesn't (at times) listen. I'm sad for the suffering. I'm angry and sad that this is added to by the not subtle gay bashing you experienced. Approve or disapprove of your lifestyle is irrelevent because it is not our place to judge. Paul is just too wonderful a person to go through this crap.
Still, I'm amazed by the capacity of many in the health care field to give of their inner selves. I've been lucky. The guy that gave us the tickets is an almost retired emergency room doctor. He's come to my home several times and cried with me. As if he doesn't experience enough of this at work. Gary, from Canada calls regularly, researches my needs and sends me medicines free of charge. My oncologist cares deeply about me and has cried about my situation many times. There are wonderful people helping me and I'm so lucky.
Nice review Howard. Man, I bet you were up all night doing that one handed. Sorry I had to ask but I didn't go. Speaking of which...
The last 48 hours have been a nosedive. In a general sense my complaints are the same but I am changing. Those things I experience like eating, drinking, sleeping and vomiting are all much different now. I am so very tired. I'm sleeping much more than before and don't want to get up unless I must. I think I'm close to turning the corner guys. It's difficult to compose my thoughts and harder yet to type them to you. I very much enjoy reading what you guys have to say so please continue to write. Just don't expect me to write anything.
A package arrived last night while the others were at the concert. It's a morphine pump and I don't know what else. I had received a call yesterday that Hospice may stop by today to hook me up and I suspect they'll come even though I said it's no big deal and they could do it during the day next week. A catheter is in the near future too. I'm looking forwad to both of these things. Isn't that weird? My position is it's okay as long as it makes things easier for me and those that care for me.
Barb is no longer going to work, beginning today, which I cherish the thought of. I just love being near her. While she has agreed to post for me I wonder just how capable she is of doing it. She's a wonderful writer but is kind of insecure about it so it takes her far too long. I just sit and blurt it out. If she doesn't do a good job I know that Nate or Howard or someone else will fill in the blanks for you.
What I'm trying to say is that I fear I'm not coherant. I don't have confidence that I am. I'm just about too tired to even try. I feel I'm in a free fall now. Please don't expect anything and forgive me if I try and then stumble. I know that I can't keep up with returning emails any longer and will not post to other threads and just concentrate on this one. Who knows? Maybe I'll have a small improvement but I think we all agree that is highly unlikely. I'm just trying to explain that the time to continue doing what I am at this moment is growing very short. Please offer up a prayer for me to pass on sooner rather than later. Rejoice whenever you learn I'm gone. I'm axious for this to be over. I only hope you understand. Remember to keep the messages contained in this thread alive and well inside your hearts.
I love you all. Your help has been immeasureable. Keep writing. If I can't get in here to read then the posts will be read to me.
This thread is something more than a sermon. I'm convinced it has, and will continue to have, a life of it's own. Although Pat is leaving us, and a part of me will go with him, I believe a part of him, his best,.. will stay with me (and us all)....if I'm lucky. I just hope that I can keep my eye on it when he is not here to point it out.
One finds real strength and truth in life where one can. It is a rare and fleeting thing...at least in my life. It sneaks into view between talk of tubes and wire and God knows what other diversions. Usually, I fear, it goes right by me.
I've found it in this thread...as unlikely as that may be. Like many of us, I've had close friends who have died and this thread has tapped into all those unresolvable issues. Pat has added his own unique strength and character to it that I can't even begin to describe or do justice to. One could put many forms around it and call it this or that. Words really don't reach it. It's felt as much as thought. Perhaps that is why so many of us are touched by music.
Thanks for being there Howard, and God bless you Barb.
I feel fortunate to be here now with Pat and Barb. It's a strange feeling to be in someone else's house for a few days, and yet to feel entirely at home. I've seen others come and go here during that time, and not one is made to feel like a visitor. Because Pat and Barb invite them in as part of their lives, truly as part of them.
Barb and I discussed a future visit to California. She and my wife Gina have not met, and they will. Barb is that rare person who would not know how NOT to love you. She is Pat's best friend, as well as his champion. Pat said yesterday that she has always brought out the best in him, and this is evident.
Thank you all for being so generous with yourselves. I can see the gratitude on Pat's face.
I got off the phone with Pat not too long ago. I was crying as we said 'goodbye,' I hope, not for the last time. Pat said it in his post, but he is winding down, or as he said 'free falling.' It still brings tears to my eyes, just to write it.
At the risk of sounding dramatic, if anyone has anything to say to Lugnut, I would not wait. His poor body has taken all the abuse it can. He cherishes all the kind words that so many have offered, and he really needs the prayers of those inclined to offer them.
Though many will hurt by his death, it will be a relief to Pat. That murderous cancer will die, but Pat will live on...
Pat, may your rest come quickly. About 10 days ago I posted about a very close friend who was going thru the same thing. I got a call this morning that he passed during the night. Even though I am saddened by my loss, I am estatic for his gain. When I think of Joe today, it brings a smile to my face. When you get to your destination, please look for a gentleman named Joe Downum. I am sure you both would enjoy each others company. May God bless and keep you until then.
Hi everyone - This is Barb (or Mrs. Lugnut). Starting today I have become Pat's full-time caregiver and he has informed me that part of my job will be posting to this wonderful ongoing thread. I will try my best but I will get him to the computer as much as possible via the wheelchair. It is good theory for him.
Pat has asked me to ask all of you to help us with a little task. Some dear friends want us to accept the gift of an 8 week old female puppy - a miniature Australian Shepherd. She is a beautiful brown color, white paws and chest, with milk chocolate in between. She is petite and very mellow temperament. We want to give her the perfect name so we would appreciate your suggestions. Howard got to meet her while he was visiting us and he would agree that she would be a perfect companion for me. No doubt having a puppy around would be a good way to redirect my affections during my grieving. Thanks for your help and continued support. Barb
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