Happy B-day Pat! (I'm just a few days [and several years] behind you.)
I can relate about the hair thing, having witnessed the phenomenon in the cases of my mom (during her last months it grew back really wavy and going in all directions) and my girlfriend's sister (grew back in 1/2" corkscrew curls, like a natural perm - and she has survived and is considered cured of inoperable, grapefruit-sized cervical cancer). In both instances I dug the new look, so I say roll with it - as long as you continue to wear T-shirts and stay out of the discos ;^) |
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Happy Birthday Pat,
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Enjoy yourself today. I hope the upward trend continues.
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Best Regards,
Larry |
Happy Birthday, Pat. Glad to hear you're feeling better. And the invitation still stands to come for a visit. Our home is your home.
All the best to you and your family, my friend.
Howard |
Pat, one request.
Even if your feeling on top of the world, please don't post any images of you dressed only in your aviator hat and "birthday" suit. |
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Happy belated Birthday Pat. I was out of town for three days and just got back to catch up.
I hope you and Barb had a great time celebrating.
All the best,
L |
Hey Pat. Happy Birthday man! Enjoy |
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Happy b-day Pat,im really glad your having good days!And i hope they continue,,,,,,but i have to 2nd Albertporters request,,LOL!! Ray |
Another steroid high started about five minutes ago. Of course, thanks to the chemo this afternoon. Still, I enjoy feeling good enough to do something, like writing to this thread. LOL. I really don't have much to say on the health front except I feel yucky most of the time. Enough so that I honestly don't want to do much even when on this chemical boost. Hopefully Barb and I will go to a local outdoor Blues Fest tomorrow from noon til 9 pm. I'd need to find some lasting shade to sit in cause I surely don't have a tan this year.
Okay fellow Springbok fans. I upgraded our cable so I can actually get to see some action rather than reading about it online. It seems my team is on a roll lately. The weather is cooling off here somewhat and I may even wear the LUGNUT #1 jersey while I watch. And Denis, that video made me think of me being the chased and the cheetah being the cancer. The runner had two meanings for me. The first thought was of God the second was of this wonderful group here which has picked me up and carried me away more than several times in the last nine months. Thanks for pointing me to it. Bluebill, are the New Zealand All Blacks all black or is that just a name? Seems kind of last century to me.
Swampwalker, Nate and the rest of the reunion guys, I really hope I can make it to Denver. I'm not very optomistic about my chances though. If I can make it my guess is I'll wish I had that Snoopy hat Doug speaks of. The doc assured me that the next drug, if I choose to use it, will blow off all my hair. That's not a very pretty mental image. And Albert, not to worry about me showing off this bod with or without the Snoopy hat. Poor, poor pitiful me. ROTFLMAO.
Okay, so Zaikes is a Leo too. Interestingly, my oldest friends are all Leo's too. Bill, Mickey and Steve. How many of you guys are Leo's too? I don't give much credit to astrology but I've got to admit I'm a classic Leo. Such friendships are supposed to be pretty rare. Okay Leo's let us know!!!!
Again, thanks for the birthday wishes and the phone calls. You guys are really faithful. Also, a special thanks to Jphii for making me an urn and to Lngbruno for making this thread into a book. I really appreciate these works and can assure you my family will as well.
I'm glad you guys enjoyed my story about unleashing my wrath on that poor, young, budding deaf person. It was accidental. Sorry but the real Lugnut rarely would do something like that. In my, dumber, younger days maybe.
Thanks for the Birthday wishes from all you guys! The night alone with Barb in the hotel was really nice. The room was great too. We went to an Italian restaurant and had some stuff neither of us had hear of. The chef was even kind enough to provide me with a recipe of a really great rice dish I had with my meal. We went to the local record store and I bought three albums. Now, I'll share my guilty pleasures with you. For quite some time I've been trying to find a good copy of Meat Loaf's "Bat Out Of Hell" album. I just love Paradise By The Dashboard Lights. After all this time I can still remember the excitement of sucking face and getting a handful parked on some lonely road in the outback of Nebraska. Nobody tells that story better than Meat Loaf. Also picked up a Japanese pressing of "Centerfield" by John Fogerty. Man, is this record recorded nice and the content is very, very good. I also replaced a slightly warped "Dreamboat Annie" on Nautilus by Heart. All used records in very good condition for less than twenty bucks. Not a bad shopping day. Sure beats buying back to school clothes.
I did step up and buy a sealed 180 gram reissue of David Crosby's "If Only I Could Remember My Name". Haven't received it yet but maybe tomorrow or Monday. |
Pat- Crosby's album is a cracker-enjoy.
FYI-the All Blacks are so-called because of their strip which is indeed all black.
Best wishes. |
Pat,
My reading of the Springbok video is that miracles happen. Unlikely, inconceivable ones, like the guy rescuing the Springbok. That's what I wanted you to see. The All Blacks are called that because they dress all in black - that's all. No racial connotation. |
Denis,
I've already experienced the miracle of life and the best it has to offer. I've experienced the miracles of conceiving on the first attempt, and life as it evolves in that environment and birth. I will live on in a small way through my grandchildren which is a miracle to me. Death itself will be no less of a miracle whether it happens sooner than I'd like, or later. Should God grant me a miracle of healing or take me Home I've just got to go with it. It is out of my hands. I certainly do appreciate your take on that video clip and I hope it works out that way. He he. That might make this the worlds longest thread and piss some folks off. Just kidding.
My minds eye see the All Blacks. Can't figure out if that's a creative team name or pretty lame. Kind of a Woody Allen take on humor?
I've named two things in my life using my weird sense of humor. First, nobody names their drift boats around here. I named mine Row v. Wade. As in rowers of boats versus wade fishermen; a true conflict. The other was my street/race 67 Nova that ran in the 10's. It was white and powerful so my personalized plates read simply...POWER. More folks caught onto this than I thought. Everyone enjoyed the jab at those things that divide us rather than bring us together. Maybe all of us here should hyphenate our take on being American. Audiophile-American anyone???? |
Pat, I can't decide which represents living the most dangerously: risking provocation of certain of your Idaho 'neighbors' had they perceived you were poking fun at some of their more, shall we say, stereotypically odious proclivities; risking their enthusiastic acceptance if they didn't; or risking your ass if ever you drove to a more (ahem) 'urban' area than Boise. Well, I'll give you this - I may not have laughed even if I had figured out your little joke on the street, but you definitely must have a pair on ya!
I've long schemed that if I ever got custom plates, I'd have them read, "& ROLL". People could fill in the blank: besides being a euphamism for rolling down the road (or sex, take your pick), it would either signify my credo that Rock was best before it lost the Roll, or if the missing part of the phrase is taken as "Shake, Rattle," then not only a great Joe Turner song, but also a pretty apt descriptor for some of my junkier rides down the years. But besides never being able to justify in my mind the $50/year premium, after 9/11 I didn't want to risk any possibility of confusion with those gung-ho "Let's Roll" bumperstickers that can be taken as cheerleading for war, so my plates remain boring stock... |
Alex,
This is an interesting world. Idaho has a bad rap for white supremicists. Richard Butler and a small compound in northern Idaho consituted about 40 people total. Mr. Butler has been driven to bankruptcy by Idaho residents and had subsequently moved away. He has since died. The local northern Idaho folks instantly bring to attention any such activity. To make my point, I'd suggest that if you take any urban area where folks look down on Idaho, those cities have more racists living in just a few blocks than we do here in Idaho. I'd bet on it. For the most part we live in harmony excepting gang members shooting each other because of the influx of such from those, ahem, "enlightened areas" that look down on us. Thanks a lot California.
Regarding my license plates, it was a hoot at the drag strip. Most of my car friends just commented about how it was an extension of my personality. Sometimes though it was very interesting. At one of my favorite races of the year there was a couple of entrants that traveled to Idaho from Wyoming to compete and were obiously Indian. I've found that the most racist of all whites are those that live, or have lived anywhere near a reservation. On those occasions where I've been expected to tolerate rude comments about this continents first people I always took great pleasure in informing the rude person that I was of mixed blood and honestly don't know which of my primary bloodlines is a higher percentage, American Indian or Irish. These people just don't get it except when confronted with an informed knowledge of history. I love to make them squirm. I've also met very angry Indians with a bad attitude and can criticize them too without recourse. Mixed blood can be a blessing at times. I feel strongly, and urge everyone to consider my style, that those that wish to divide us through hyphenated labels be ridiculed and laughed down. Otherwise, we will become more tribal as time passes and therefor more divided. United we stand, divided we fall. We should all just try to be Americans. That doesn't mean we need to agree and cannot celebrate our ethnic heritage if we have one. We just need an environment where each of us can be praised or criticized based on the merits of our behaviors rather than pretending to be so sensitive because we belong to a sub group. Of course, I have no faith in that ever happening but I will continue to try and enlighten folks until I'm gone. God, I love my country so much it hurts. I also love my fellow Americans and wish each one of us the best of blessings this country has to offer. There is no group, no single individual anywhere whose shit doesn't stink, mine included.
As a very strange side note my experience with fly fishers is that they are exceptional folks, much like audiophiles. Highly educated too. Almost none of them "got" the name on my boat, even the waders as I drifted by on the other side of the river while they gave me a cranky stare. Go figure. Maybe when a guy goes fishing he gets tunnel vision to escape what ails us in our day to day lives. Audio is like that for me.
Martin Luther King gave us all some very important gifts even though he was a very flawed fellow, IMO. His comment about judging each other by the content of our character is burned into my brain forever and I've tried very hard to live these words. His followers that live today DO NOT live by his words with only a few exceptions, and those poor souls are insulted unfairly in an attempt to silence them.
Sorry to rattle on so much about this. Steroid high you know. But, it's important to me that I be understood by this group. My tactics in dealing with people throughout my life are unusual just like everything else I do. |
You rattle on all you like Pat - I love reading it. It means we're both alive. You are not misunderstood, and weren't before the last post either. As a pigmentally-challenged American, I have come to an understanding in the last few years that in a way, MLK actually came to liberate *me* and people like me - we just didn't realize it, and unfortunately by and large still don't. You see, to me, a person is most in need of freeing when they can't recognize or deal with the truth. (But that's a statement which those who might hold views diametrically opposed from yours or mine could also make.) I've lived most of my life in a region that's quite a mixing bowl (including periods when I was locally in the minority), and been to places where you almost never see a different face, but I have yet to discover any 'enlightened areas'. When we were out West a couple of years ago, we went to as many reservations as national parks, because both are strong doses of reality about our country of a type you don't get very much of here in East, though I was always aware in each that I was merely a tolerated visitor. But of all the states we traveled through, Idaho was the one where I'd never been before that I'd most like to return to and see more of someday. |
A boat named Row v. Wade. Damn that's good. I like the way your mind works. |
Patrick
All Blacks ~ Not a lame name at all.New Zealand has a very proud rugby tradition,just like South Africa.The rivalry between the two countries go back for more than a century.Lots of emotion and pride involved when these two countries meet for battle on the field.Wonderful game ...
The game of rugby,very much like life ...ups and downs,joy and heartache.No matter how well we plan,sometimes we dont have control over the course or the outcome.....Sometimes goes your way,sometimes doesnt.Sometimes, miracles happen against the greatest odds.Never,ever lose hope..... |
If you really enjoy the game of rugby, I highly recommend that you see the documentary currently in the theaters, "Murderball". It follows the most recent years of the United States Olympic Quadraplegic Rugby Team. Very funny, inspiring film, one that speaks to the analogy made by Bluebull.
Enjoy your Sunday, Patrick.
Howard |
Apologies for being AWOL so long. Life has been exceedingly busy. Since my first trip to see Pat in Idaho, I returned to see him again and made two round trip flights to Detroit (and back to Delaware), and drove to Detroit from Delaware. And that's just the beginning of it. The first Detroit trip was to meet two guys who were interested in meeting me to see if they'd like to hire me. They were, but I suggested that we live together for a while before getting married. Nothing like uprooting your family and moving half-way across the country only to learn you're not compatible with the two other guys in the office.
So I returned to Detroit and worked with them for two weeks, and we decided we would work well together. It's a botique litigation firm -- mostly commercial and personal injury litigation. I then returned to Delaware.
Lis and I then drove to Michigan in my '93 Stealth (152,000 miles and still drives like new). We set up a day with a Realtor and looked at 24 houses in one day. Whew, what a day! We liked one a lot, and tomorrow I close on the purchase. Then on Tuesday the carpets get cleaned and a carpenter is cutting an arch between two adjoining rooms for our 8 year old, Amanda (one room will be the sleeping room; the other for toys, desk, computer, etc.) I fly back to Delaware on Wednesday.
Then the real work begins -- packing everything for the move. I'm sure my bulging disc and rotated hip will love that *groan* Hopefully, we and the moving van pull out on the 22d and we all arrive in Michigan (Bloomfield Hills) on the 24th or 25th.
Work has been INTENSE, but I am enjoying it. Filed a med mal last week against a physician -- the $%*! freak -- who manipulated young boys to engage in bare butt spanking with him. Got a preliminary injunction against a city a couple days before that. Trial on that case on Tuesday -- stay tuned!
So that's why I've been AWOL from the group.
Pat, happy 55! Hope you enjoy your evening with Barb in the Boise hotel. I hope your soon up to fishing again. A CDP? Patrick? No way ... I'm flabbergasted. Sorry to hear about your Syrah; man, those units have been giving you trouble. Please say hello to Bill, Steve and Ron for me.
BTW, it was me in the car with you when you yelled at that kid, "Turn that fu**er down!" Being from Detroit, I was hoping he realized it was you who yelled it ... and that he had good aim. His calmness didn't make me feel any better -- could have been reloading.
Nrchy, thanks for your comment "Didn't that other guy make horror movies." I was "that other guy." But I confess I'm not terribly photogenic; in fact, I'm sure my face has broken several cameras and mirrors.
Springbok, congrats on your string of victories. That's very cool.
And to everyone else ... hello again! I'll be AWOL again for a couple weeks during this move. See you all again soon, and God bless.
Best regards,
Paul |
Paul,
Welcome back. I've been concerned about you. Congrats on the new house and joining the firm. Keep chasing those bad guys!
After careful consideration, and partly motivated by Paul's return, I offer the following dubious news with the usual caveat about everything health-wise being out of my control, etc. On my last visit with the doctor and approaching the statistical ending of the usefulness of my current chemo, he said we should be considering no further treatments when this medication fails. What chemical options are left are so toxic that using them is as bad as letting the cancer run its course. Using them would not provide me with anything that resembles a good day. I've kind of alluded to how yucky I feel most of the time now. As it is I have a couple of days per week where, still feeling crappy, I can rise to the occassion and have a day. If I don't have any days where I can muster the energy to be alive there is no sense in going on. I still have hope that I'll defy the odds and this current drug will see me through a trip to the Rocky Mountain Audio Fest. According to the doc when I stop chemo entirely I will have about two months. It'll only take a couple of weeks for me to likely quit posting to this thread. I'll keep you guys advised about what is happening. Next Friday is my next treatment and then the scheduled week off during which I get my next CT scan. That's on the 29th. The following week we will look at the scan results and decide if further treatment is beneficial or not.
If I fall off the radar on this thread I trust that those faithful Audiogon friends that phone me will keep everyone updated. I'll try to write something and have my daughter post it for me after I'm outta here as final words to you guys. No matter what, I want you all to know that still, I'm okay. Going to a friends house today to listen to some tunes and visit thanks to Barb being able to drive me over.
Pat |
You will NEVER be off our radar or far from our thoughts, Pat. I hope this day is one of your good ones (and tomorrow and etc.). If not, then take it easy, slip in one of those silver disks and try and rest. |
Lugnut, it sounds like you are forecasting what might become some to the darkest days of your lifeÂ’s journey here with us and I just want you to know you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
The following is a re-post by Captain Danjel Bout (aka thunder6) from his blog. When I read it I realized it applied to how I feel about you and decided to share it with everyone now.
“I was sustained by one piece of inestimable good fortune. I had for a friend a man of immense and patient wisdom and a gentle but unyielding fortitude. I think that if I was not destroyed at this time by the sense of hopelessness, which these gigantic labors has awakened in me, it was largely because of the courage and patience of this man. I did not give in because he would not let me give in."
-Thomas Wolfe
“Some people come into your life like a leaf settling onto a pond, their arrival causing nary a ripple. Others hurtle in like a stone falling from a high cliff, their entrance marked by a riot of spray and a corona of liquid motion. But after their explosive entrance these too quickly fade, the circlet of energy disappearing as its kinetic seed settles to the bottom. And then there are people who pass through your life like a smooth river rock skipping across the surface. Their swift trajectory doesn’t allow them to settle into the chill depths of being, but their dance between the elements of air and water momentarily suspends the boundaries between all things. And shows you, if only for a brilliant moment, that all things are possible.
There are no words that accurately describe those rare individuals, nor are there words to express the yearning you feel when you don’t hear from them or they have to move on. If there is a consolation it comes from the knowledge that their lessons are inscribed on the most durable of mediums…your soul.“
Patrick, you occupy a big spot in my heart and soul, man; donÂ’t give in, and I hope you hear good news after the 29th CT scan and have many many more good days.
Warmest regards,
L |
Lngbruno- Amazing quotes. Who is the author of the 2nd? |
You guys are way too generous in what you think of me. Honestly, I'm really dealing with the the demon I call DREAD right now and it is a challenge to not flinch, not just for myself but also for Barb. Neither one of us is looking forward to what lies ahead but we both have faith that God will watch over us, our little family, extended family and friends.
I had accepted the fact that my personal endless list of "things to do" we all have would just be left undone except for the most important ones. Barb asked me to get two things done for her, both of which I really didn't want to do because of the effort involved physically and, worse yet, emotionally. First, the family sedan is pretty well used up and she would like a different car. Groan. I'm still signed up at the Idaho Auto Auction as a buyer for several dealerships. The prospect of going through that process made me want to lie down and take a nap just thinking about it. It's a lot more work than you can realize if you do it right. Luckily, I contacted one of my long time employers that offered to let me select any car he has at his two locations and buy wholesale at pure cost. So, today we'll pay for an '05 Impala with a couple of thousand miles on it. I'll be gifting our old family sedan to our daughter Amanda in hopes that it will be of some positive benefit to her. It's still a solid car and can last a long time but will need some TLC at times. When I wrapped up the car purchase Barb broke down and said how much she would rather have me around than any car. I tried to laugh and said that I knew she would trade everything we have and live in a tent in exchange for keeping me around. I then asked her to, as quickly as possible, view her new life without me as an adventure, saying that would make me happy.
We have had plans to install a bi-fold solid door between the music room and the main house. This would serve three really nice purposes. I'm sure that stage depth would come alive, it would be aesthetically pleasing and allow the room to be shut off when not in use. A side benefit would be to keep children away from the gear. Unfortunately prior arrangements to have this done fell through. It's a real challenge to even get someone to come bid on such a small project what with the abundance of new construction going on around here. There is no lack of work for even a bad handyman. I'm working hard to get someone to do it at a reasonable price but I'm not optomistic. I may have to take a good screwing and keep a smile on my face all the while. Been there and done that before so I think I can keep the heartburn on low fire. This is a must do!
For myself as well as for Barb I leaned on a couple of friends to run conduit into the music room for two dedicated circuits. It's a pretty easy install, but again if I were to try and hire someone for it in this building boom it would be about four times the cost it should be. This project will be done by the weekend. I also stepped up and purchased the best of the best NOS tubes for the Supratek yesterday. These should arrive on Thursday. As good as the performance of the Syrah is if you looked under the hood it's construction resembles a junior high school shop class project. Last time I looked there were two un-soldered connections. The umbilical cord between the power supply and pre is made from the worlds worst solid core tiny wire which would be okay if you set up a system and never moved it. But in the real world of multiple owners I'm now faced with checking every one of those tiny solder connections on both ends as I think I may have a connection questionable. IMO, the Syrah should be sold in a kit form. It couldn't possibly be done any cheesier by a newbie and for the experienced builder its performance would likely be much better if the wiring wasn't such a rats nest. Still, its magic in my system and I'm looking forward to whatever sonic improvements lie ahead. I'll also try and wrap up a really slow and tedious project for my speaker wires. The Ridge Street twin stereo pairs I have are made for spades but the spade fittings are just machined into the flat silver cable. My amps and speakers require bananas so I'm currently using some adaptors. I've taken 22 gauge silver flat and hand crafted silver spades and a silver washer for each of the sixteen contacts. I'm using 4" of silver wire (thanks Albert Porter) to Eichman bullet plugs. These short jumpers will be bolted to the existing cables with nylon bolts and treated with Walker SST. Hopefully this will sound as good as it is now if not better. By this weekend I hope to not need to do anything else to my gear although I did buy one of those 0.01 gram accuracy scales to set the cartridge at its optimum weight.
Barb has proven to be a very quick study with the software and hardware use. She is good about cleaning records on the machine. She's kind of taken control of fippin' and cuein' while I observe. She's taken to correct start up and shut down easily enough so I guess she's pretty much got the whole process down. I haven't yet covered cleaning of the stylus with her. I'm pretty sure that will be a fearful thing for her to learn. We'll save that for when she has a few miles of experience with everything else and i'm satisfied she's developed good habits without having to think too much about what she's doing. She's really been a good sport about it all and I let her choose whatever she wants to put on. Her taste in music has reawakened me to tunes I'd long forgot. I associate most of what I hear with something that occured around the time I purchased a record. Her choices have brought back some really cool memories of the two of us when we were so young and chasing all our dreams and fantasies.
I received my new copy of If Only I Could Remember My Name by David Crosby. Amazing. It's certainly not true audiophile grade but it's very, very nice. Atantic must have re-issued this at some time on heavier vinyl, maybe 160 gram. It's really nice vinyl and the mix is exactly like the original as far as I can tell. I'm very glad that I got this one. Some of it is a little spacey but that's understandable if you look at the cast of characters playing. On a pure pleasure scale i give it a ten. On the ear candy scale about and eight. Two hearty thumbs up in its totality.
Keep cheering these efforts on guys. I need some mental energy sent my way on the projects. Running on fumes. LOL.
Oh yeah, again I ain't no hero. I'm somewhat scared and very apprehensive about this crap. I'd much rather be out fly fishing or throwing a clutchless shift at the track. Hell, I'd even rather be cleaning vinyl non-stop. I'm just trying to remain pragmatic since it is what it is, paraphrasing King Soloman. Today life is very good even with things the way they are. Honest. |
Pat.
You ARE a hero.
I appreciate the time you've taken to relate your daily thoughts and feelings. It must be incredibly difficult. More than I'll probably ever realize.
Thanks for teaching us all.
Dean |
Swampwalker, the second quote is by Captain Danjel Bout.
Lugnut, you said,
"You guys are way too generous in what you think of me."
All I can do is bow to another to state the obvious ..."When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world." George Washington Carver. |
Pat, as always I enjoyed talking with you yesterday. I didn't want to tie up your time as I knew you wanted to talk to the tube guy. I'm glad that worked out well!
It's hard to balance my thought since I struggle with being on the verge of tears and wanting to shout out loud how proud I am of your spirit. You say you are not a hero. Many people would argue that with you. I too disagree! A hero is a man (in this case) who does what everything would like to think they would do given the same circumstances. I know that you are going through a horribly difficult time both physically and mentally. I have shed tears when I think of your pain, and that of Barb. I know other friends who have too. You have earned the love and respect of many in this community.
It's strange to think that most of us would know nothing about you if not for this little website, and now there are many of us who are emotionally invested in your life.
You are an example to me. I would like to think I would have the strength of character you show when I look at my own death. Even the word is frightening, how much more the reality. Regardless of what happens, I look forward to seeing you again, you remain, as always, in my prayers! |
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Nrchy,
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Beautifully said.....and I agree wholeheartedly.
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Pat,
You are a special person and a hero for many of us. I also hope that I have half the courage you have demonstrated. You definitely have helped me to appreciate all of the blessings that I have in my life.
.
Rgds,
Larry
. |
Dear Lugnut,
I've only recently found this post, and have spent the last few hours reading all of it. I wanted to tell you of my respect and admiration for the way you're handling your situation.
In 1986 my father also came down with stomach cancer, and his travails through that experience made me respect him like never before.
Best of everything to you and your family. Like everyone else here, if there is anything I could do for you, all you'd have to do is ask.
God Bless. |
Pat says he doesn't want us to think of him as a hero, and I'm inclined to both honor his wishes and to agree with him in principle. Death comes to us all, but if it almost always does not make of us heroes, there still is such a thing - just as in living well - as dying well, provided we are given the opportunity (time and mental and physical ability) to exercise a choice in the matter. In that regard, Pat is surely a role model and a valuable teacher.
In my experience it is probably quite a rare thing in most cases for family and friends, beyond possibly spouses – never mind online acquaintances - to be granted this sort of unvarnished (no, not completely; I understand that) relating-to concerning their loved one's or friend's thoughts both mundane and profound as life draws to an end. I suspect the feeling that Pat is heroic must be prompted by the realization within many readers, myself included, that we probably wouldn't want to or be able to do the same work as he's done here in this respect (especially those of us still struggling with the ‘living well’ part).
I think it's primarily this aspect of Pat's example that has touched me most deeply. That I am touched by him is not due, for instance, to a shared love of the same music, though in theory some of that might be discovered to apply (yeah, I do like Neil Young). It is certainly not because he is a fellow audiophile, little of a true believer as I am. And it is not even because I feel I know him a tiny bit from the forums, or had corresponded with him couple of times by email prior to learning of his disease on this thread. The fact is, and will have to remain, that Pat and I are basically strangers to each other, and who knows whether, if we had ever met, we would’ve actually related all that famously or not. Most likely there have been other Audiogon members I've chatted with on the forums in the past who have died without my ever having known about it or been affected by their deaths. I myself have dropped off the forums in the past year – what’s the difference between that and if I had died suddenly to anybody who used to read what I wrote?
What touches me most then about Pat's journey is his unstinting ability (he has a lot of that) and willingness (which never ceases to amaze me) to share it with strangers such as myself, and how that helps illuminate for me the experiences which went basically unreported by some of my own loved ones who have died of cancer, but who must have undergone journeys similar to Pat's. I wonder if Pat's children in particular will sense as I do the possible significance, for their future understanding of their father's experience and aspirations, of the resource laid down so honestly by him in this thread. I can only imagine having such a record of my mother's thoughts and feelings in her time of dying, but considering Pat's helps me better imagine hers, and that is of value to me way beyond the limited extent of his and my internet familiarity.
Permit me to diverge and indulge in some dime-store philosophizing: When I was a younger guy, there was a phrase which I guess had then been in popular lit-crit fashion that I came across a lot in reading, "the human condition". For as often as one saw the expression deployed, I was always intrigued by how it seemed never to actually be defined – as if the reader should automatically know what was meant, despite that at first blush, any definition for “the human condition” would appear to require a rather lengthy and involved explanation - though somehow the construction did feel as though it nicely captured a certain pathos fundamental to our existence. (I didn't and still don't know the exact origin or intended meaning of the line, if indeed there was one that can be pointed to; perhaps someone here will be able to enlighten me.) Nevertheless, the phrase was evocative and caught my imagination with the question it begged, so after a while I decided I'd try to come up with some kind personal definition for it, if I could.
Were we merely talking about a list of attributes that allegedly distinguish what it is to be a member of the species homo sapiens? That seemed entirely too prosaic and fraught with technicalities and qualifications - not to mention other definitions - while missing the essential gestalt of the phrase. I decided there were two conditions which had to be satisfied in order to arrive at just what "the human condition" entailed: whatever it was, it must apply only to humans and to no other earthly creature, so far as we can tell; and it must apply in equal measure to every sentient person, no matter what their circumstance.
Well, long story short, after the better part of two decades with the question filtering in the back of my brain, and rejecting, for various reasons which I won't go into here, all of the seemingly obvious choices (many of them unnecessarily complex, contingent, or based upon faulty assumptions about what is really unique or universal to our kind - not just today, but ever since we presumably 'became' human), I finally, only a couple of years ago, settled on my mark: to me, "the human condition" very simply boils down to the foreknowledge of one's own eventual death. ThatÂ’s an awareness with which I believe no other species is afflicted (some may know what it is for other individuals to die, but not, I donÂ’t think, themselves before the time comes, and anyway certainly not that this personal death is inevitable), nor the hominid predecessors to ourselves, prior to some milestone in the mists of time that probably predated even the advent of formal spoken language or the harnessing of fire (but not walking upright), and may have marked the fundamental turning point in the acquiring of our humanity. (End of pseudo-anthropological meditation.)
In this “human condition” of ours there's foreknowledge of one’s eventual death, and then there's really knowing; I get the feeling we may never have the potential to be so human as [if and] when we know we're coming down that final home stretch, so to speak. (I said potential; not everyone can keep ahead of their depression and fears, or retains all their faculties. But that's true even for those of us not expecting to die soon.) So maybe Pat, in his good grace and generosity and forbearance, is - if not a hero - then just that much more human than you or I can hope to be at a different juncture in our lives. Pat inspires us to embrace this quality through sharing in his story and vision, and we learn from him and so become wiser and hopefully more humane people. Which, if I were attaching meaning (and I'm the sort who considers all meaning to be attached), are the kinds of qualities to attain that I think living life well must be all about in the end. Thanks Pat, and peace to you and yours. |
Zaikesman,
A startling post, one that at 4:30am just woke me up with a zest more potent than the coffee I was longing for only a moment ago.
You spoke thoughtfully of the human condition. Perhaps you were even referring parenthetically to the themes described in the book of the same name (in French), "La Condition Humaine," authored by a man who lived three lives in the space of one, Andre Malraux. The book suggests, as I think you might be doing so here, that inherent in our human condition is the incessant drive to be more than human, to give exaggerated meaning to our actions such that we might one day be able to consider ourselves as having overcome the limitations of our own humanity. In other words, to live as though the story we leave in our wake might actually be larger than the life it is meant to encapsulate. This, in my view, is how we so often make heroes out of people whose lives were anything but. Perhaps it gives us hope that we too will be remembered for being more than the person we believe ourselves to be. We celebrate the actions of others out of our own need to see them as heroic. For whatever reason, it makes us feel good to use that word. We share anecdotes of brave firefighters, daring journalists, actors who have overcome the odds, volunteer soldiers, wealthy real estate magnates, and even the occasional life-saving Rottweiler, just to remind ourselves that anyone has the ability to triumph over his own nature. To be more than human, as it were.
Pat, you are no more human than any of us. And at the same time, you are inarguably a hero. No, not in the sense that you have managed to become a character that supercedes the reality of your life. Rather, you are a hero to so many here because you have allowed us the privilege of watching you embrace the very reality that IS your life. And in doing so, you have sparked the rather unnatural and uncommon desire for us to become intimate with ourselves at a level that most of us never even knew existed. Zaikesman speaks of it so lovingly. And as much love as you have spread here, it is only just that you take some back, in whatever form of namecalling that represents. So there. You are the third hero in my life, the first being my father. The second, Muhammad Ali. And now you. Accept it. Heroism is for the living, and I've never seen anyone more alive than you are now. |
Pat, I have been following this post for a few months and am praying for you and Barb daily. I wish I could meet you in person, and have been somewhat close, being born in Twin Falls ID and living in Omaha now. You are a real inspiration, and I thank you for sharing your experience with the rest of us.
My mother and parents-in-law have passed from cancer so my wife and I have come to realize that we are all here temporarily, then we go to our true home. I hope you don't go for a long time as long as you don't suffer! It sounds like you know that you will go to the right home, so we will be sorry for our loss, but celebrate your life!
God bless you and Barb.
Thanks! |
Just an update for Lugnut fans, I talked to Pat for quite a while this evening. He was happy and sounded good. He's not depressed, he isn't giving up. I think he's said it before, he's ready to live if that's what happens and he's ready to die if that's what happens.
Keep those prayers going! I think Pat draws a lot of hope and encouragement from the posts generated here, so you may be helping more than you ever knew by offering words of encouragement.
Pat, you're a rock. : ) |
Another chatty post courtesy of the steroids. About the only parts that are bulking up from this stuff are my fingers and my tongue. Man, I wonder if those body builders and pro athletes that use this stuff talk non-stop? Whoa! And to think what kind of sight they'd make yelling "turn that f#@*er down".
Obiously I had chemo today. Nothing to report. Always feel my best for a couple of day following.
Man, this has been a very happy week in spite of feeling on the sucky side. Got the car things out of the way both for Barb and Amanda. Received my unobtainium tubes and I've got to say they were worth every penny. Amazing. Rumor has it that I have some very special 6SN7's coming my way to kick it up another notch. I've also finished a couple of tedious audio projects that worked out quite well. Bought a new recliner for the sweet spot and will pick it up tomorrow. Now I can assume the correct postion instead of slouching like I always do. Might actually do the dedicated lines tomorrow too. It's nice realizing that my Nova is now a new roof, car and some audio improvements. Not a bad trade off at all.
Okay, I think some of us are getting on the same page about what I am. Yeah, maybe up until now I've navigated this trip in fairly good fashion. Consider that maybe there are other good ways to handle it as well. Also, I may screw up the rest of it beginning tomorrow. Hey, it can happen. What you guys are alluding to is that I'm open with what is going on with me and making the most of it. Well, it really is that simple. When this thread was started and I posted my first heart felt post there was no turning back. I promised early on that this is what I would do. If for no other reason I will keep my word. Of course, there is much more to it than that and you guys know what I've said about my my happiness if God is using this thread to bring others a step closer to Him. Having fun and enjoying myself come easily. That's the way I am. Sure, I can hurt inside just like everyone else and I'm capable of letting something totally out of my control ruin too many good moments. In this case I haven't gotten my house broken into or received a speeding ticket which would ruin more than a weekend each. Even though what I'm going through may seem like much more than those two events you must understand that it became clear early on I only have so much time (Like you guys, if you haven't already figured it out) and I'm simply not going to waste it. Things I can change, I change. Things I can't change I can find peace in even if they are difficult. This allows me to move on. Maybe I'm a good example guys but it honestly comes naturally. Give my father the credit for NEVER meeting a stranger, always being cheerful and loving deeply and openly. I know no other way. Whatever I'm doing is working for me and I'm so thankful for just about everything I can think of, especially this ordeal, whithout which I would not have found the incredible combined character of you guys. I'm flawed and really hope I haven't let anyone down in any way because I would never do that intentionally. But I'm flawed, hornery, outspoken, opinionated and too full of testosterone. I'd piss everybody off if you spent a lot of time with me. I ain't no hero but I'm okay and comfortable in my own skin. So, okay, I'll be a good example. Did that shit in gradeschool.
Love you guys. Ever think I'll get around to updating my system page? |
Nrchy's quote:
"I think he's said it before, he's ready to live if that's what happens and he's ready to die if that's what happens."
That sums up the impression I've gotten from this thread. Pat's facing this head-on, showing great dignity and resolve.
I know the following will sound mushy and ridiculous to many, but I wanted to share something I recently read.
The gentleman and explorer Sir Walter Raleigh was about to be put to death in England along with several of his men after falling from favor with his queen.
Raleigh instructed his men that each should handle himself with the utmost dignity as his execution came. No begging, no fighting, no crying. One of his men spoke up and said "what does it matter the manner in which we die?"
Raleigh replied "when it's the last thing you'll do, it matters a great deal".
As soon as I read that I was immediately reminded of this thread and the grace and resolve manifested by Pat.
I pray sincerely that Pat's example in life is a lesson to each of us. We can all learn much from this. |
Good news, all. Pat and Barb will be coming to San Francisco this weekend. We've begun to plan a few activities, and are thinking about going to listen to some blues music on Friday or Saturday night. Also, a trip to the massive Amoeba Music store in the Haight is in order for Saturday. If anyone else is interested in coming along, please let me know, and as our itinerary develops, I'll pass it along. Also, if anyone knows of a particularly good place to listen to blues on Friday or Saturday, please shout out.
Howard |
I hear that Deja Vu SF will have you singing the blues after a lap dance or two. |
Dean, you'd better be there, stuffin' twenties. |
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Great News Pat! Have a good weekend, watch out for the guys (?) on the street. Should I send a vinyl wish list along? |
Went to Amoeba in the Haight (and Berkeley) when I was visiting SF a couple years ago. My jaw dropped to see that a used record store could have a line 10 deep at the checkout counter AND have several registers going at once (that line moves as fast as it gets replenished). Amazing. No used record store here in DC has more than one or two checkout registers, but you'll never find yourself more than maybe one customer away from it on a busy day. Even in NYC I've never seen anything like it. Selection was broader than it was deep, but that was mostly because it was very broad, yet still sufficiently deep to be interesting. Pricing's fair, and I even found a couple of bargains. Have a blast, Pat. (And thanks Boa2 for the literary citation.) |
Hey lug have a great time, I just got my firdt tube pre so back to the music! |
This should prove to be a very interesting weekend. Admittedly I always have some trepidation prior to meeting Audiogon friends face to face for the first time. Most of you guys seem so.....cultured in comparrison to me. I'll try very hard to be on my best behavior and not embarrass you guys. Barb being with me is a big help since she is responsible for my initial housebreaking.
Chad, I've been following your recent posts. Congrats on the move to tubes and your initial satisfaction with them. I hope you have an equally rewarding experience with your analog endeavors.
I'm really looking forward to Amoeba Records. I'd also love to see Dean stuff some twenties somewhere while getting a lap dance but I'll probably just have to settle for my brain conjuring up the image instead of seeing it in person. It might be prettier anyway.
Howard is going way out of his way to show us a good time. We really appreciate it. Hope to see a few of you other guys while we're in town.
Nate, you're welcome to send a list. Barb would be able to look for your stuff while I look for mine. |
Pat,
I'm afraid that like all things highly cultured, I have a tendency to sour quickly. It's people with a spirit like yours that bring me back to humanity. Can't wait to see you and Barb.
Howard |
I'm jealous. Since meeting Pat here on my turf, I wish I had the budget to tag along on the California leg of this journey.
Nice weather, pretty sites, shopping for music and Lugnut's humor. I guarantee you guys will enjoy yourselves. |
By the way, Pat. At the airport, I'll be the guy who looks like somebody's cellmate at the state penitentiary. |
Hey Albert. Budget. What budget? You gotta do like I do. Charge it!!! Would love to see you in SF. No doubt your bags would be heavy upon return to Dallas from what I'm hearing about Amoeba and knowing you the way I do. To paraphrase Bob Barker...... Albert Porter, come on down.
Geez Howard, last time I was in SF EVERYONE looked like my friends from cell block C. If Gunbei would join you to pick us up I think I could recognize his green slanted head.
I can tell already that this is going to be fun. |
Rest up, Pat. We've got activities planned, buddy. |
Have fun guys!!! Do come back with some tales to tell!! Pat, dont get in too much trouble!!!!!! |
