I would be very interested in finding out how one manages to justify (or sneak in the home) expensive audio equipment without having to sell your soul to the Devil? It's quite a challenge for many of us I think. I heard of someone buying a Bel Canto DAC and telling his girlfriend that " Oh it's just a $ 100.00 power conditionner", or whatever. Seem like we need to get creative here if we can pursue this crazy hobby much longer! Regards All...
I would have to agree with the "call it a Christmas/birthday/special event"purchase that shouldn't have to happen more than a couple of times a year...tops. -especially if it's a considerable change. I've been caught too many times by my [completely disinterested in my hobby] wife w/ either a new pre, power or whatever, and it's no longer worth the hassle. The secret is you have got to sell the old [or I could never justify another transaction w/ my "perfectly good one"] and you've got to start talking about it in plenty of time before.... about how much you need the new piece. That argument/reasoning is usually the hardest part of the equation...why do I NEED it?"It's one of the most fun parts of the hobby", or something along those lines... its always been a tough time. Also, if a great deal does come up between holidays/birthdays its even tougher.I wish she had some interest, but she just doesn't.
Woe to the married audiophile. It's a constant battle. Great post by the way!
First of all, why is this such a male only activity? I don't get it. Is it the fascination with tweeking, with electronics?
Well, what works best for me is not to surprise my wife, but to just wear her down. She ends up saying, "just go buy it."
Now mind you I have one of the cheapest systems ever. I've spent a total of less than $2000 for a kick -ss sounding system. I have Dahlquist speakers hooked up to an old B&K.
I tell my girlfriend I am going to buy something, but I keep saying that I am not sure which unit I will buy, and therefore tell her a price range which is usually quite broad. Then I buy something and when she asks how much it was, I tell her the price at the top of the range. After she moans about the price, I say, "Would you be happier if I bought the $X unit?" where X is the actual cost of the unit, more in the middle of the range. She says yes, and then I tell her OK, that is what it costs. She has no more steam to argue with, she knows the truth and everyone is happy. Then I wait six months and repeat with the next component.
what ya do is! strut through the door with ya pricy gear wait for the moaning to commense from the female party.....stick your fingers in your ears and stamp ya feet and yell nah nah nah nah nah i cant hear u, nah nah nah nah nah....
Hmm one day I've played Piazzola record in my listening room and my wife started to dance with my baby-son. The tonearm hooked up with Lyra Helikon started to jump back and fourth along with my heart. Fourtunately the stylus/cantilever is OK but listening room now is for listening ONLY and drinking (no analogue playback is allowed when an intercourse occurs inside the listening room on the listening or near the listening couch). I used to lie about money spent i.e. Michell GyroDec $600 only but the look of this turntable so attracted my wife that she agreed that this TT is worth buying whatever it costs since it's much nicer looking than my previous Rega P3.
I don't cope. My wife is my wife because she has a equal love of music. When I get the urge to purchase new stuff I include her ears in the purchase. I've saved lots of money when she says she can't hear the difference. When she does its an easier sale. Sometimes we audiophiles get too caught up in new technology or sales hype and need to be saved by the honest question about is the sound actually improved? She helps me separate wishful thinking (or listening) from reality. I respect her ears and her judgement and in return she doesn't begrudge new stuff coming in the door.
Great post, Mrs D! And thanks for taking the time to post... Re, Stereo's post: my problem is loudness. When I play loud, my wofe leaves the room. She leaves me in the room -- but it's more fun listening with her company than w/out!
This isn't Mr Deiselr it is Mrs Deiselr. I just happen to have some free time to spend on the computer because Mr Deiselr is in front of OUR system giving our 6 month old, Baby Deiselr his last bottle and it is a beautiful thing. The pursuit of wonderful, fulfilling, enriching music (because that is what the system provides) is a worthy endeavor. When system purchases are desired to be made in our household it is certinially not at the expense of the mortage and I do admit that even at a "good" time I sometimes have a bit of buyers remorse. Anyway, I guess my point is that one partner shouldn't be deceiving the other (there is no excuse for that) and this nice girl who has a problem with how much her significant other spends may want to count how many pairs of shoes she has, or how many make up counter $14 lipsticks she has. Smaller price tags but same principal. By-the-way, the last comment from Gregm......I bet you don't have a women around long enough to keep them away from his equpiment (stereo equipment that is)
Stereo: "listening at whatever volume I wish, drinking whatever I want, with whomever I choose". WOW! What's the magic formula -- do you offer consulting services?
Girlfriends and/or Wives are NOT allowed entry to the extra space at my office, where I can and do spend many selected late hours listening at whatever volume I wish, drinking whatever I want, with whomever I choose, to the components of MY choice.
1 - get her into the sound of the system (even if you have to listen to horrid eighties music).
2 - make small changes on a regular basis - and ask her to give her opinion of the changes they make.
3 - choose a part of your system that you can roll over on a regular basis without changing the basic sound or spending much money at all ... then swap that part out just for the sake of change as often as possible.
4 - be open and honest about the costs involved in 2 & 3.
5 - make your major changes after she supports the small changes ... don't treat big changes any different than the small ones.
This strategy has worked for me very well as of late. One year ago my system was monitors on wooden milk crate with electronics not nearly as resolving as I would have liked. In the past week my wife has signed for the deliveries of my Hales Rev 3s and Classe CAP-150. She's actually on my case to get the CAP into the system so she can hear how it sounds!
Katharina, as you well know, I'm an old cynic, but I hope all the same, that neither you or anybody else took my post above seriously. I was just poking fun...Hope you come over soon, golden eared one, and I'll heat up the Quads. Cheers,
Sek, you make an interesting point and most can hardly disagree. Certainly, hobbies should generally play second fiddle to a long term relationship. At the same time, good long term relationships are "give and take" so successful ones are usually those that allow everyone involved to express themselves and be themselves.
I would like to add though, that the gear and the music are wed (no pun intended). Food and shelter are certainly the highest priorities for everyone, but art is not frivolous (going back to pre-historic times, it has always had a place in even the most desperate conditions). The gear is much like the canvas -- necessary to convey what is really important. Do we tend to spend toooo much time on the gear? Sure. But that's our hobby, and the means to the passion: Music.
To your point, let's not let it interfere too much with all our other passions in life. Thanks again for the thoughts. With that said, let's keep having some fun with this ;-) Cheers.
I'm always amused by these threads. I don't see how dealing with audio expenditures are different than the various other negotiations, communications, and compromises that are part and parcel of relationships.
To some people, I would say that the difficulties they have in this area are the tip of a larger iceberg which they should work on.
Some folks seem to be more emotionally wedded to their audio gear than to their significant others. In these pathetic cases, I would advise getting out of their relationships if they can... Your priorities are elsewhere.
Most people who participate in these threads are just taking the opportunity to harmlessly vent. Also he says - she says is a popular formula at comedy clubs. Frivolity is good entertainment as are the largely frivolous luxuries (in the grand scheme of things) that are a focus of audiophiles.
Typical shrink, Detlof! What will you do, if your lady becomes a true audiophile in her own right? That's what I did. The motto here is more simple and more effective than yours: If you can't beat them, join them.....and then beat them anyway, because mostly we hear better, especially into those details which make for PRAT.
1.Insist that your wife has golden ears and can hear far better than you, even if she hasn't and cannot hear the difference between the sound of a radio-clock and say the $70kilo Pipedreams. 2.Let her criticise your system und take her remarks seriously. Even if they are far off the mark, make an effort to pretend to. Don't argue, be grateful! 3. At your next upgrade, tell her that it was thanks to her advice that you took the necessary steps. If she has golden ears, she'll be happy. If she has tin-ears, she wouldn't know the difference. The result however is identical as well as beneficial: 4.She will be sure, that apart from listening to your system, you are also listening to her. (~;
Hiding the pre and CDs in an arty-but-rigid Arts&Crafts cabinet (save for "ONE attractive box allowed on top"--thank goodness the EMC-1 rates high!), along with the 25% jewelry surcharge penalty works fine.
I've got a new girlfriend who could care less about this audio stuff, but we both make good money, and I'm so into it I can't help but explain every new component and theory behind their operation and prices do inevitably come up. I went 5 years without any upgrades, actually downgraded to a receiver due to living in an apartment. Now I'm back, have been ebaying, audiogoning etc... have 2 systems (the '80's system and the good system) and she thinks I was always like this. I'm at the mid-high end level with Sonic Frontiers pre, BAT pwr, Cary cd and Vandersteens. However, I am considering taking it to the next level, and I mean the super-expensive components from the likes of Goldmund, Gryphon, Avalon, Revel and she is NOT happy. (I shudder at the thought of what I would need to spend for an "acceptable" home theater.) If this occurs, I won't be upgrading for a few years... (right?) She has no problem going out to dinner and spending $250. I figure a few dinners cost as much as some of the way-cool stuff I got on ebay. Anyway, my first point is thanks for the advice in the above posts, I and others here are heading into dangerous waters and can use it! My second point is advice, make sure the incoming equipment equals the outgoing equipment so you can have the appearance of sanity. This seems to work pretty good, got a new amp but don't worry the old one is up for sale because I don't need 4 amplifiers (biamp?) and I would rather someone like those of you here at the 'gon enjoy it rather than it sitting in a box in the garage. - good luck.
suzy: what a great story from "the other side." my bride of 34 years and i have a kinda unwritten agreement; every time i make a major upgrade, she goes to europe. seems to work....so far. -kelly
I was married to an audiophile once. I encouraged him to buy all the equipment he wanted, as it kept him busy and out of my hair. I finally threw him and his awful, bright, screechy sounding stereo out, and that's when I bought my first system and discovered how good high end audio could really sound. My ex is still buying stereo and still can't hear a damn thing! :)
She doesn't ask, and I don't tell. We've been married for over 17 years. When we dated and lived together (gasp) she knew I was a 'audio nut', her words. Since I'm the bread winner, she doesn't bother me much. When the UPS truck pulls up, she just e-mails me at work and says "what did we get now?" I explain the new toy, but never discuss pricing. That's on a need to know basis, and she don't need to know. She'd probably flip if she knew I was spending what I spend. She can look at a $5000 amp, and really believe it only cost $200. Precious, ain't it. What they don't know, don't hurt them. You guys that share your hobbies with your wives are very lucky. Mine still thinks I'm nuts, everything sounds the same to her. I don't care for her taste in music either. Oh well, that's life.
Hi, my name is Margrit, and I have known "slawney" (my husband) for 10 years. He asked me to write something to you about how I cope with his audio interests, so here it goes. Usually, things go pretty well since he has his own listening room and listens pretty quietly, and I like the music he likes. The last time I had to cope with his audio hobby was when our cleaning woman accidentally plugged one of his American CD players into our German electric outlet. He was really upset when he came home from work and saw this, since the CD player didn't work. The poor cleaning woman did not want to admit that she had broken the CD player for fear of having to pay for it (she just wanted to listen to some CD of Polish music I got on my last trip to Poland, because our cleaning woman is Polish herself and is a little homesick), and there were moments when I thought Jay--oops, that is what I call him, he did not want me to tell you my nickname for him--suspected that I myself had broken his CD player and was not telling him (I like the Polish CD too and sometimes I do not know how to plug all of the components in the right way, since he has so many different colored cables, and changes the cables around on my little stereo and even my TV and VCR alot, for some reason...). One thing that acn get out of hand is when we are travelling around in Europe in a big city and Jay starts going record shopping. I can tell when he wants to do this when he takes out the hotel telephone directory and writes down the addresses of the record stores in town in his notebook and then starts to look at this long list of records that he keeps with him all the time. One way I cope with this is by asking him to give me a definite time when he will be finished shopping for records before he goes into the store. It also helps if there are some nice women's clothing stores or furniture stores that specialize in modern Italian furniture or lighting near the record store, because then I just go shopping myself. To conclude, I think Jay is a wonderful husband and I like that he has this audio hobby rather than some of the hobbies that some men in German have. I have to get back to my work now, so goodbye, it has been nice having the chance to write to you, Jay seems to spend alot of time lately on the computer, and I think he writes alot of things here.
I did not visit this thread for a while because I thought its title was meant to warn all men to keep off the premises: "how do YOU (read: wives, girlfriends) cope?" Aren't men earnestly requested to leave this forum to those poor women unfortunately related to some compulsive audio freak, instead of filling it with our own stories and ruses? We all well enough know what it is like to be an audiophilic husband or boyfriend--something in the nerves, in the heart, in the brain which has more to do with the love of sound than the love of woman, child and oneself. Women, I was waiting in eagerness for things like: The first instinctive movement of these cowardly audiophilic creatures is to make a "cache," and hide their audio treasures in it. The first thing to do is to uncover their "cache" and find out what is in it. Then you can play the trick of throwing a remark at them on some mighty issue and either hit or miss their particular weakness of the moment. (I had an ingenious girlfriend who would make a cunning practice out of asking thinks like: "Mullard has a nice colored box, don't they?" or "What's up with Temper Transfiguration these days?" to my astonishment, between remarks about the daily news. I don't deny that I felt a pang in these seemingly casual asides, yes, a stab, but there was also an entreaty, a sigh--that was particularly effective when I had the fever to upgrade. I actually put off buying a few article with remarks like these flashing through my conscience.) Women, please make a few revelations relating especially to your audiophilic partner, just a few things such as women commonly never tell. Men, put your wives and girlfriend on this forum and leave the room. Perhaps you women do not know if you can trust us with them. (Men: shouldn't we like to hear them? No. We would love to hear them!) In any case, my respect goes to all the good, patient wives and girfriends of audiogoners! to their soft hands and pitying voices we must all come at last--with that sad, lost look we get when things break down and we are caught without a replacement...
Greg, I'll give you three tweaks and a small box of cables for your mother-in-law! How about just for a week or so? I bet you and she could clean up by having her tour the country and helping more Audiogon spouses see the light (er, hear the waves) ;-)
My best break was w/ my mother in law. We auditioned speakers together (the full A-Physics range) and my wife caught on! Although she considers audio as my (expensive) "toy" she does enjoy the wine scene Angela describes. And she appreciates "voudou" tweaks such as cones, shelves, etc, as long as they improve the reproduction of her favourite concerto (read Angela again). BUT she'd never admit or discuss that -- go figure!
Overall, I'm lucky. Now, if I could get the MIL to finance the next mega$ upgrade...:^)
Elizabeth, I hope you buried him with the portion of the musical library that you dislike. It would be a shame to listen to a great system and come across a song that suddenly reminded you of unpleasant times.
One thing I got to know.......Is it true that if you play Acadian music near the alligators they are mesmerized and don't snap at your shovel whilst burying the departed?
My wife has started using the system more, when I am out (which is a good thing). I think that she was afraid of the tube amp in the beginning, but I told her that if anything goes wrong, we will just have it repaired, just like anything else. The only instructions that she has are to give it 15 minutes to warm up and in the event that sound stops coming from one of the speakers, to then shut off the source (on occasion one of our cats has clipped one of the speaker cables). She has even started to use the special CD mat that I made up with the Peter Belt Rainbow Foil as she likes what it does to the sound. I don't know if is more fun to share or if sharing helps to diminish some of the guilt for all of the money that I have spent, but either way I am glad that she enjoys it. I also get a kick out of my godson visiting and doing an antler dance in front of his friends when operating the system.
I've attempted (successfully, I think) to get my wife used to the fact that gear is going to occassionally come and go, that the experimentation is part of the fun, and that just because boxes show up occassionally doesn't mean that it's all expenditure, because I've sold many pieces as well, usually at a little less or a little more than I paid. I'm the wage earner in the family and do all the finances, so until I start telling her that we can't afford music lessons for the kids or something because I just bought a new amp, she remains pretty flexible. I thought I was going to really test her limits, though, when I shipped an amp to DSSMAN a few weeks ago with the now-famous results. Amazingly, she took it all in stride even after I told her the amount.
One thing that I think helps a lot is that all the gear is in it's own room - if I was trying to set something up that took up much space or was really visible in the living room, I would hear about it from that side. Since it's my room and my hobby and she realizes she's got it pretty good with me, I pretty much get to do my own thing.
I do wish I could draw her into it occassionally though, as I do with my daughter who is a budding cellist. Here is this wonderful sounding system, right in their own house, available to use almost at will, and they NEVER touch it. I've learned to settle for apathetic even if I want enthusiastic, because it beats hostile by a large margin :-) -Kirk
I subscribed to various audio magazines and was an enthusiast for the first 16 years of our marriage without moving away from my system that I bought in college (which was nothing to write home about). During the last four years, Katie bar the door! My wife and I jointly auditioned many different speakers and amps in our home (the kids too!). She absolutely noticed the difference and we agreed on the best set-up. During the last two years or so, oh boy did we go through a lot of upgrades. Lately, I generally did the research alone but often was able to audition before buying. This made all the difference because audio differences are really not all that subtle once you actually pay attention.
Since my wife runs the finances I don't hide anything, nor do I want to. Great sound costs more and is a constant search. It's more fun when you don't do it alone. Which is why I involve my family and why I enjoy everyone at Audiogon. BTW, I wouldn't recommend the 16 year approach to anyone just starting out; things just happened that way, but I do remind her of all the money I saved during that time. Cheers.
Psssttt...... The secret is to bring your wife into this madness in a way that she understands and can appreciate. This takes time and patience, but the long term benefits are significant.
Timing is critical.... don't try to get her to sit down and listen when she is focused on something else. Catch that relaxed, all caught up, nothing critical mass going on, time and suggest opening some wine (after YOU'VE made dinner) and listen to some music that SHE likes.... one that is well recorded and musical (this will take some research, but well worth it)....
If you can get her to sit down, just for a little while.... 30 minutes......make sure that she has the sweet spot.... her wine glass full......... YOU'LL WIN for the rest of the TIME!
Ya gotta get her hearing the soundstage - once you do... it's YOUR LIFE and you can DO what EVER you want! Sounds like work??? Isn't anything worth having?
The point is that you need to spend some time and effort to get her to understand.. at least a little....
Once she's in your corner, you've got it made....
Trying to go (sneak) around doesn't work.... News Bulletin - WOMEN DON'T LIKE SECRETS... of ANY kind.....I'm sure that it can be traced back to caveman or something, but trust me on this one.....
Girlfriends and wifes, how do I cope? Easy, I never allow them to listen to my system at the same time.
Seriously, when my wife and I met for the first time nearly thirty years ago, I already had speakers nearly her height at one end of my living room. She knew from that moment on that I was dedicated to music and has rarely ask about the system since.
One exception was in 1990 when I replaced my Vandersteen 4's with Soundlab A1's. She came into the living room one day after work, looked at them ( how could she miss them? ) and ask, "are those going to stay here?" (They did).
PS: David, having privately discussed a few minor matters with the Audiogon staff, on occasion, they really are normal people (just like the rest of us) with a sense of humor. They are just not allowed to kick back as the rest of us, on a regular basis, as this is their place of business, which is understandable. What I mean is that if you offer yourself up, on the chopping block, as a willing successor to Alessandro Moreschi (who in their right mind would not follow through on this offer:-), but otherwise, as I have said in the other threads, I do not find the new forum guidelines to be restrictive, at all (just in good taste), even more so than this post.
Not a problem, not to worry: I sold my old "button" sweater to Arnie, but now that he has lost a lot of weight and has started working out, he no longer requires its use. Maybe it (the sweater) and its use would chill out that Brian character. As far as the sweater goes, it all depends on whether you are seeking the maternal "GQ" type or not.
Dekay-hmm,so the wife told you to loose the sweater because it made you look stooopid? Maybe I better look for a new sweater.I havent had much luck wearing it anyway.Its possible chicks and sweaters discussions will tick off the powers to be.We dont want to suffer the same "almost" horrible fate our brother Dug did!!! :)
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