Girlfriends and wifes, how do YOU cope?

I've attempted (successfully, I think) to get my wife used to the fact that gear is going to occassionally come and go, that the experimentation is part of the fun, and that just because boxes show up occassionally doesn't mean that it's all expenditure, because I've sold many pieces as well, usually at a little less or a little more than I paid. I'm the wage earner in the family and do all the finances, so until I start telling her that we can't afford music lessons for the kids or something because I just bought a new amp, she remains pretty flexible. I thought I was going to really test her limits, though, when I shipped an amp to DSSMAN a few weeks ago with the now-famous results. Amazingly, she took it all in stride even after I told her the amount.

One thing that I think helps a lot is that all the gear is in it's own room - if I was trying to set something up that took up much space or was really visible in the living room, I would hear about it from that side. Since it's my room and my hobby and she realizes she's got it pretty good with me, I pretty much get to do my own thing.

I do wish I could draw her into it occassionally though, as I do with my daughter who is a budding cellist. Here is this wonderful sounding system, right in their own house, available to use almost at will, and they NEVER touch it. I've learned to settle for apathetic even if I want enthusiastic, because it beats hostile by a large margin :-) -Kirk

I made quite a bit of progress when I asked my wife what about the purchase at hand bothered her - is it the money, the fact that she doesn't like the UPS guy showing up, the fact that it's taking up my time, etc. I think it helped her see that it's really arbitrary on her part to mind, at least in some ways - she doesn't understand it, so it bugs her. Obviously, any time you want to spend as much as these (admitted) toys cost, money is an issue, but I think the activity of new gear showing up, old gear shipping out is just a reminder of a process she doesn't understand even though she doesn't actively resent the money being spent. -Kirk

Not bad advice, but not a cure-all either. If you're used to buying toys, you're not going to stop being interested once you get married or just because you've finally got your dream system. Plus, you'll find that your "needs" change - I've got more room to set up an awesome system now than at any time in my life, but with three other people in the house I don't have quite the flexibility for setup I used to have. If I already had my Dynaudio Evidence's powered by the baddest monoblocs I could imagine, I wouldn't be able to set them up today anyway. I'm way more interested in getting fabulous sound in the space I do have. It's far more important that you set expectations going into the marriage than to have acquired all the toys. -kirk

I love watching sports, particularly basketball. I used to think that it would be nirvana to find a woman who was as avid a fan as I was. I'm now happily married to a woman who is at least tied for Most Apathetic sports fan in the world - she not only couldn't care less about any sport, she has no idea what's going on in the world of sports. I realize now that this is, in fact, ideal. We interact on lots of topics and activities - there's no need for my passion to be her passion, and in fact, when I'm avidly watching a game Sunday afternoon, she's fine with giving the kids a ride someplace, or anything else that's needed.

Another time, I was painting a house I lived in when I was single. I was standing back at one point admiring my progress and I thought, "It would be really great if there was somebody here to share this progress with me." That was followed by the thought, "If there was, we'd probably argue about what color to paint it." It was precisely at that moment that I probably made the most progress in understanding the tradeoffs of relationships.

At this point, it doesn't matter a bit to me whether my wife has any interest in audio systems, music, or any other arbitrary pasttime I might enjoy. If she suddenly got interested, I would embrace that as well, but assuming she never does, that's fine. I don't care if she thinks my music is too loud for her tastes, or that I'm "crazy" for spending the amounts I spend on it. There's two sides to everything, and the other side to this attitude is that I don't have any obligation to understand, embrace, or spend time on any of her pasttimes that don't genuinely interest me. There's plenty of stuff that we do both enjoy to spend any energy torturing each other about the ones we don't mutually enjoy.