Funniest sales pitch


What is the funniest sales pitch you've read? My current favorite is one I just read today. It was,"I'm selling these speakers because they are too good for me."
makersmark
If those $50K speakers are "giant killers", the other speakers must literally be "Paul Bunyan" sized : ) Sean
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Nope, found a new one today. Black Mountain Cable. Girl in a thong bent over with cords draped across her back. Never heard of the company, for some reason I just want to buy some... A picture really is worth a thousand words.
…The theory being the very best cables come from the bodies of the
most scantily clad women. They grow'em right outt'a their breasts and
derriers! Based on the same theory those automotive tool
manufacturers use in creating those wonderful calendars. Personally I
would not purchase a torque wrench that was not endorsed by a
beautiful naked woman. Naked women are actually the authority on
virtually all products that a man could ever want. Wann'a know the very
BEST there is? Ask a naked woman...or at least a woman in a bikini. I
wonder if there is an entire staff of scantily clad chicks behind Consumer
Reports? I really should visit their home offices!! Ever notice how when
your wife wants something from you in the ways of domestic chores,
personal gifts, favors, or general consent on some issue, that it
frequently is brought up before, during or after sex...when she is at least
partially or fully NAKED!?! They know about the other head, and the
pea-brain contained therein! Or maybe that should be "pee"-brain?

Marco
Marco, absolutely right. For example, Ellen DeGeneres prefers "Snap-on Tools."

Not certain what her significant other thinks.
Yes, that type of advertising never gets old. Though for a second, I wasn't sure what they were selling. At first I thought it was some sort of acoustically inert thong that your girlfriend or wife could wear to reduce standing waves and that sort of thing (not that my wife's ass is that big mind you. Perhaps if I got several asses though…I’ll have to run it by her…). Though doubtless the thong would be made of some “proprietary” material, most likely cryo’d (insert frigid wife joke here), have blue LED’s and cost $999.99 so I guess I’m glad it’s not really for sale--because I would buy one. Then when I saw they were cables wrapped around her, I figured they would be made by “Dominatrix Cable Co.” or something along those lines.
Y'don't need no stinkin' blue LED's! Just tits and ass. You could sell pickled farts with T&A! Oh, and if I ever request my wife bend over that way, you can bet it ain't gonna be about reduction of standing waves. If you can get your wife to agree to having several asses around your listening room my hat's off to you my friend, although if I had several asses like that surrounding me in my listening room I think the music would be the last thing on my mind.

Marco
It was with great delight that I saw the advertisement featuring the thonged mono blocks.

I wasn't familiar with the manufacturer, however. Is Crack a British product?
This make no sense...

here we have a pretty rare telefunken amp,tuner,preamp,and cassette deck all in very good working order. it really cranks out the output. sounds better then my 2252b marantz more punch more midrange and bass. very nice system

..so sell the Marantz!!!!!
Here comes a real one from the fresh add:

about 1 year old, excellent condition, havent used in over >8 months since selling everything else and getting a new hobby (BMW M3!) selling house and moving to apartment, so out of the hobby for good (though you never know?)
I saw an ad a while back that actually used the term "well endowed audiophile" for pushing some hyper-expensive (probably bobonium based) stuff.

KP
Hey, I am well endowed and I have the Bobonium to prove it. (And, I did sell the expensive Sansuchi to my brother.)

And now, three big Bronx steers for “THE” Bobonium convention next month in the Big Ah! Pple (yes, the Swiss bought it, so what.)
"The only reason i am parting with these is that my beloved cat, Mollie, was diagnosed with cancer last week, and the vet bills deem this sale a necessity. "
A joke:

Two friends meet each other asking asking how things going well/bad...
One of them sais:
--Can you imagine I've got an Elephant for $10k! It's a beautiful animal. It waters my flowers and garden, plays with my children and dog and generousely helps me with home improvement!
Another:
--Wow I want also an Elephant can you sell yours to me?
--OK I can only sell it to you for $15k since it's my very dear animal.
--DEAL!
In another week they meat each other and asking how things are going:
--Oh So terrible! This beast almost stomped on my wife, killed my dog, stomped all over my flowers and garden, almost destroyed my house... I don't know what to do!!!
--Eh, with this mood you're never going to sell your animal!
Here's one from just today for a pair of interconnects, a direct quote:

"Smooth and tube sound cables"

It's not the poor use of english that is as amusing as attributing a "tube sound" to a pair of interconnects. Incidentally, they are a pair of Goertz...like in that horrible interconnect-brassiere advertisement (on which there is another thread here on the Gon'). Perhaps he meant "boob-like" sound?

Marco
It is really heavy! Pick it up! Go ahead! Try! This was what met me several years ago when I was searching for an amplifier . I did not know anything about amplifiers then- little less than I truly know now. It seems that there is something to it. But at the time I just thought this very slight, elderly man was really very funny. I could not get away from him! Could not appease him with anything less than actually attempting to lift the damn thing. It WAS very heavy! It also sounded like shit. Well, at least I thought so at the time. Nice man, though.