About Lugnut -- Patrick Malone

Very sorry to have condescended to the late Mr. Webb Ellis. His spontaneous gesture created the game, of course. Whether it was against the rules or not is somewhat moot, since if I understand the game's history correctly, there were even fewer rules at that time than today... gee, Pat, sounds like rugby might actually be up your alley (as well as mine) :-)

Congratulations on the honorary membership and have a great time in Dallas!

Sometimes my medical consultations leave me confused even though I'm a better advocate for care than most. Yesterday I had an appointment with my doctor after the regular blood test results were in. We were to discuss my last CT scan and decide if it were time to take a break from the chemo. The scan showed that malignancy is not problematic at this time but there is a strange mass, small in size, that appeares to be calcification of likely lymph nodes that may be a result of my earlier lymphoma. An educated guess is that it has nothing to do with my stomach cancer. Anyway, the decision was made to continue with the Taxol for the next two months. I'm accepting of this since the Taxol has few sides effects. Funny, but at my last visit I asked about how long Taxol works for patients like me the answer was for about two months. Obviously we are going to use this drug until it stops working, or at least that's the way it seems without actually saying so. The promise this time is that when I get my next CT scan at the end of this two month period begun yesterday I will get two months free of therapy. We'll see, but I seriously doubt it. It may sound like I'm grousing about this, and I am to a certain extent, but all I want is some straight talk. I do know this doctor has done me a huge favor by guiding me on this course. I was not an easy sell.

Fatigue is really something during this battle. It's my biggest issue. If I stay home, log on some computer time, make and answer phone calls, listen to music and clean records I feel fine. I can go shopping for normal needs and do fine as well. Errands I can run without tiring. Doing more than the above is what I can't do without having to lay down for the next two days. I can't explain it but driving a car for a few hours kicks my butt but riding in one for the same time is kind of relaxing. Is driving that big a physical challenge? An easy job like scraping and sanding the garage doors to prep them for paint is out of the question. Vacuuming one room is okay but more rooms in one session is not. Pacing myself is a mental exercise that is foreign to me. While feeling well and appreciating it, I do long for those days when I could just go on and on working all day. I guess I feel good enough to bitch. This is a good thing, right?

My new ZYX Silver Airy 3 should be drop shipped from Japan tomorrow as Mehran is going there and offered to do this for me rather than bringing it back to the states and then ship it. It should arrive around the time Steve and I return from Dallas. I can't wait. The next, and hopefully last step will be to get some of the most desireable tubes for my phono stage and a new tonearm cable.

I've slowly been making headway with the acoustic treatments in my room. They are modeled after the Eight Nerve products to an extent. Also, the wife of my buddy that I'm building a system for has offered to make some heavy drapes and my sister who owns a embroidery machine has offered to make the valance. I'm thinking of using Neil Young's line of "IT"S BETTER TO BURN OUT THAN TO FADE AWAY" across the valance. Feel free to offer other suggestions.

I've spoke with Steve about installing a locally built French door in the opening leading into the rest of the house. We both feel that this is the only way to get the room to behave best. It's a nice thing that Barb really likes this idea for aesthetic purposes. I think we'll get this done early summer.

Barb and I have been considering new furniture for the music room as well. There is just too much stuff in there now and I really want to be able to recline while listening. The coffee table must go to be replaced by a small ottoman or the like. I did find a really cool two person wide something or other. I dunno what to call it. Looking from the side it is the shape of a reclined "S". That is my favorite position. Problem is that the colors don't go well with the room and the special order colors don't fit any better. I had asked to see chaise lounges and this was the last option the fellow had to show us. The new furniture would be a stretch so we probably won't do it unless I receive some kind of financial windfall. You gotta love the priorities. Gear first and furniture last. Unless of course the furniture is to hold the gear.

I hope everyone is enjoying Spring. I sure am. The simple joy of having open windows is great. I know it sounds cliche but for all you guys that are busy please take the time to appreciate the small stuff. Life is good if we take the time to be in it.

I need the help of anyone from Columbus to track down a guy who sold me a power cord here on Audiogon. He cashed my check over a month ago and now does not answer his phone (cell) or emails. If you can help me, please email me for details. I do not remember his Audiogon name or else I would be getting Audiogon to help, but they have not answered my email either.

PS Have fun with Albert! I’m jealous

Sorry about the above post, I lost my intended message and somehow got this one.

Hi Pat,
I guess my message was swapped with a different thread or lost in cyber-space. Sorry about that.
I had responded with some extremely insightful and highly profound thoughts that I will attempt to recreate. I had two pearls of wisdom to extend to you. The first is regarding your doctor’s inability to give you clear vision as to your treatment. In my case the doctors have given up attempting to predict my future in that by every statistic available to science, I’m dead. The point is sometimes the doctors simply do not know how a treatment is going to react. I believe that attitude has more to do with your successful treatment than anything. My doctors have gone from year by year to quarter by quarter waiting for the other shoe to drop. The past three years have proven how well the treatments are working, and although they expect me to fail any day, I keep going. In your case your will is strong and you are beating this disease with your will to live every day to its fullest. I know God has great plans for you over the coming months, a portion of those plans have already been shown to you through this web site and your effects on so many of us. You are doing great work for God, and he is not about to loose such an important messenger. The fact that the Taxol is continuing to be effective shows us all how no outcome is inevitable, and how powerful an effect we have over our own bodies. Enjoy the ride, and maybe if all our prayers are answered you will beat this cancer like you did before.
As to the second point, I understand the exhaustion. If I have a day of exertion I too pay the next couple days. If I try to link three days of activity together I pay with a couple weeks. I used to try to believe I could overcome the tiredness and keep going, but for me it ends with congestive heart failure and that requires a full three months of recovery, if I do fully recover. I’ve learned over time what my limits are, but it’s hard to live with them. I get bored and feel sad and lonely. I know I must not over do, the payback is too severe. I believe the fatigue is your body telling you it can not fight the disease and over extend physically. It needs all the resources to fight the cancer and when you go too far you are depleting the reserve. Listen to your body and maybe slow down a bit.
I continue to believe you are going to go into some type of remission; therefore I believe you need to give your body the time it needs. I for one am not ready to let you go. I know God has more for you to do, and selfishly I still need you.
Go out and enjoy, in moderation. I know it’s hard for you. We both were extremely active guys, and a lot of the high we found every day was in physical experiences. It’s hard to change old behavior, but do your best.
I love you Pat and I will pray for strength for you during your trip to Albert’s. I’m so jealous, have a great time!
J.D.

J.D.,

Wize words well spoken. I am learning to slow down but only by the school of hard knocks. I'm an ornery bastard with a thick skull sometimes and this is one example of it. The guys in Dallas looked out for me without making me feel an invalid or inadequate.

I don't have much time to write since I have a busy day ahead. Man, for a guy that doesn't do a lick of work it's funy how I get behind. Tonight will be enjoyable in spite of the chemo today. I picked up a lot of new albums while in Dallas and look forward to giving them a listen.

The Dallas trip was a blast. Albert has an incredible sense of humor and an equal zest for life. You simply could not ask for a better host. He's gracious, kind and giving. It's like we knew each other a lifetime. Plus, surprise, surprise, Cello and Nrchy showed up too. Everyone kept this as a total surprise from me and I was touched.

I could write volumes about Albert's system. What he has done is incredible. Music just emerges from the blackest background I've every experienced. This is no small feat what with probably over 100 tubes in the mix. The coolest part though is just how big a music lover Albert is. The equipment is simply a means to an end. It's that simple. And, what a software collection! So much of what we listened to was new to me so now my list of must get LP's is much longer. His quick wit and endless stream of jokes aside I found that he is much like me. In many ways we are kindred spirits. Perhaps I could best describe him as Lugnut on steroids. It's a shame that Paul could not attend.

It's nice to be home to a more leisurely pace. Dallas is a huge, busy city. I won't complain about traffic around here anymore. Still, for a city that large it is very attractive and incredibly clean. There are at least three truly wonderful places to eat and I suspect there are countless others as well. I hope to go back some time and listen some more, finish that bottle of cognac and bring along a few "new to Albert" LP's now that I have a clearer understanding of what makes up his library.

I hope every one of you is in the mood I'm in. Life is very, very good thanks to my Audiogon friends.

I really don't want to forget about Vetterone. He's a great traveling companion and lots of fun too.

This is just an immediate response. I’ll post a thought out and reasoned response later. I don’t want to get too caught up with thought and reason! I have been looking forward to this weekend since Albert called me and told me he’d kick my sorry white %$#@ if I didn’t show up. I have wanted to meet Pat for many months. I’m not ashamed to say that I have a lot of respect and admiration for him. It has been a life changing event for many people, but to encounter someone on the web is to look though a darkened window when compared to conversing in person. The small amount of money it cost was well spent. Pat is a blast. He’s not as sedate as his comment about Albert being Lugnut on steroids might indicate. He gave the rest of us a run for our money. We hit three very good record stores. I went home with a lot of new vinyl: read, 27 LPs plus a seven LP Pink Floyd box set thanks to a friend of Albert. Thank you Dennis, if you ever read this!!! Thanks also to Louis and Dennis for opening their homes and letting us enjoy their rooms and systems.

We spent many hours listening to music, lying to each other and telling the worst jokes known to all of mankind! Albert put lots of miles on his truck, a fact for which each of us was grateful. Thanks to Cello for dinner Saturday night, and Vetterone on Sunday night!

Having met Patrick made the trip worth the effort, meeting Cello and Vetterone was like winning the lottery and then finding out that the payout was more than you expected. I would love to get to Boise to spend more time with these music lovers.

Thanks to Albert for putting this together and making it possible. The world hasn’t changed, but for four days Albert made it seem smaller.

Boy,,,it sure sounds like you guys had a great time!!!!!!!!Pat,seems like your living a fuller life than most folks without your worries,,,Right on Brother,geez,showing my age with those last 3 words,,,im glad things are going well!!you have a little slice of heaven on earth,,,,an endless supply of audio buddys!

As everyone can tell from Lugnut's post, we had a blast.

I had never met any of these guys face to face except for Nate (Nrchy), who visited me about a year ago. When I told Nate that he and Larry would be welcome to come celebrate, they both jumped at the chance.

Riding around in my GMC with Pat (Lugnut), Nate (Nrchy), Steve (Vetterone) and Larry (Cello), was like revisiting with old friends at a high school reunion. People that you really cared about but had not seen in 20 years. Now you are back together, surprised, grateful and laughing about old times.

It's uncanny how similar all of us responded to each other regardless of the topic, and we spoke of many things. All these guys brought experiences that were shared around the dinner table and during the many car trips in search of LP's.

I think everyone found at least one album they had been looking for and it was a blast coming back to my home and spinning them in my system. Cello got a "Men At Work" for $3.98 that was absolutely like new. Amazing how good it sounded for a pop record.

Pat is an amazing guy, the kind of guy you want to be friends with for life. Courteous, thoughtful and reserved, with a sense of humor as twisted as mine. I am happy we shared this time and music. High end audio is as always, the only venture in my life where I met the BEST people.

Even my wife and I are together because of music, she was helping out at a radio station where my friend, who was the DJ, allowed me access to the control room, where we spoke while the LP's were spinning.

Love of music is an amazing venture and never ceases to amaze and entertain me, as well as providing me with people who change my life and make it more worthwhile.

Hi Pat,

I was just sitting here listening to a little Coltrane tonight and was wondering how everything is going. I hope you are feeling well and keeping your spirits up! Sounds like Dallas was a great trip.

Let us all know how you are doing.

Joe

Joe,

Thanks for shaking my tree. I've been remiss this week in posting to this thread. In spite of wanting things to slow down some I still have much on my plate. My wife took on the project of helping me hang some inexpensive drapes in the music room behind the system. They look wonderful too. So, I moved the system and she did the drapes which needed hemming and I hung those acoustic panels that turned into a nightmare. I didn't want to use anchors because I'm stubborn. Ended up that I had to anyway and the house being old had sand mixed in with the ceiling texture so I had to use a masonry bit. The anchors are overkill for what is suspended from them since masonry bits are at least 1/4"diameter. Looks good now and it did improve the focus of the system. Steve has again shown what kind of a friend he is by offering to install a custom pair of bi-fold doors between the music room and the rest of the home. This should allow me to experience more depth of stage but may create some problems that don't now exist. We'll just have to deal with it. I'm excited.

I received my new ZYX Airy 3 Silver SB cartridge last Saturday but have yet to install it. My hands shake when I concentrate hard. When I install my new one I then need to install the Yatra on a friends table. So, I lack confidence with my hands and have two to do. Oh Steve, where are you?

My chemo went as expected on Tuesday. The steroids keep me pumped up and makes me want to be aggressive which isn't my true nature unless my buttons are pushed. Right after chemo I went to one of my audio club members home and helped install his new cartridge correctly. Luckily he is an emergency room doctor with very good hands. The result of our efforts was well worth it. It sounded very good right from the get go and will only improve with time. One cartridge project down and two to go. One more club member taking analog seriously again.

My first born, her husband and their almost two year old daughter will be coming tomorrow and staying through Father's Day. Both daughters and grandchildren will be here which means a great deal to me. This should be a lot of fun. The babies are very near the same age at slightly less than two. It's going to be fun watching them interact, if that's what you can call it. Nobody expects much other than two kids bumping into each other. Scott's all boy and Aidyn is all girl. Saturday night we're getting a babysitter and going out to eat and get an ear full of live blues as is Barb and my custom.

I'm still on a high from the Dallas experience. I'll never forget it. I know that some of you have met other Audiogon members and know what I mean when I say that no matter our differences, they dissapear when the topic is music. Never, and I mean never, have I met so many people that I had an instant bond with like this. As Albert says, it was like a high school reunion, as if we had known each other all our lives. Paul, Larry, Nate, Steve, Marty, Muna, Albert, Pat (not me), Frank, Chris, Doug, Paul, Dennis and Louis are all quality people and I consider them good and dear friends. Wow, I just counted and I've personally met 14 of you guys and I didn't go to CES or some other show and meet you. Amazing. They all know more than I do about audio so I'm a very lucky guy to draw on that huge well of knowledge if I need to. Sometimes I ponder on their individual record collections as well as mine. What would a combined collection of our finest offerings be? That would be interesting as just a list.

I'm doing better now than last week. I now get a week's repreive from the chemo which is always welcome. Hopefully after the next round of three treatments I'll be able to go without chemo for a few months. It would be nice to get all of my hair back and regain some of my lost vitality. Besides, as much as I care for the patients and staff that make up Mountain States Tumor Institute, I could use a break from that experience. It's hard to watch some of the other people and what they are going through. On some days many of the patients are like me, getting low doses just to keep things at bay. Other days folks are going for a cure and it can be very brutal. One of the drugs that I used and didn't work is really, really horrible in that parts of your hands and feet turn purple quickly and chunks fall off. It hurts really bad and you must stop taking it. The first drug I tried put nearly every muscle in my body into a permanent charlie horse. I had to stop taking that due to an allergic reaction. People, the ones going for a cure of my type of cancer take those two drugs as well as the current drug I'm taking at a much higher dose. Honestly, if the cancer doesn't get them the cure might. I don't think that is much of an exaggeration at all. Few of the people that start this program stay with it. A person can't honestly convey how bad some of this can be. Other treatments for other malignancies aren't so bad though. I don't wish to scare anyone but if you have no experience with this then it's good to know that there is a range of effects from really bad to easy. I'd be glad to get away from this scene for awhile.

Life is very good now. The tunes are sweet and made sweeter by the huge support group of Audiogon. Happy Father's Day to all you Dad's. Enjoy the weekend!!

Pat

Hi Pat sounds like you will have a fun fathers day week!!
Family and friends and our relationship with then is always said to be the most valuable thing we have in this world by those who have to deal with their mortality. I am jealous as hell about your Dallas trip, this is the kind of thing I would really enjoy. Props to Albert for being such a gracious host.
Maybe sometime in the future we could plan some kind of event to gather around. I gather from your recent posts about you health you are holding your own and feeling ok most of the time.
This is by far the best news of all.

still waiting to hear how the TAD is working out.
You bud Ron

Ron,

Thanks for the sentiments about family and friends. True, very true. All you can take with you when you leave the bonds of earth is the love given by others. The family reunion this weekend has been a lot of fun. Watching two kids almost two years old interact is a riot. Both of them are very much into listening to tunes too. My grandson, who is around us a lot, enjoys sitting in the sweet spot. He seems amazed at the sounds coming from different locations in space and especially enjoys female vocalists. They both dance whenever the needle hits the groove.

I've expressed my appreciation for Albert's hospitality before. He calls often and provides me with a lot of laughs. Music is the common bond with the gear coming in a distant second. Along the way we've both discovered that we share many of the same attitudes and values and HIS zest for life is contageous. He put a lot of effort into our visit and I felt a little uneasy about putting him in the position of tour director...for about a nano-second. It was obvious from the start that when he says it was like a vacation for himself he is telling the truth. Moments after Steve and I were picked up at the airport the fun began and it didn't stop until we loaded on the plane to return to Boise. I wish you would have been there too, as well as so many other A'goner's.

Sorry I didn't follow up about the TAD. Unfortunately, the output impedance didn't match my amps and it had to be returned. The build quality was very high and Paul is a great guy to do business with. I wish I could tell you more.

I did purchase a Supratek Syrah from Steve. It's a great piece of gear. I need to acquire the right tubes for the phono stage in order to maximize its performance and suffer from some confusion about this issue. I don't think it's as easy as one would believe and I really don't want to just waste a lot of money experimenting. Each of the various tubes need to work in harmony and this is the issue. It goes beyond the four tubes in the phono stage. Clearly there are different combinations owners find to their liking and I have yet to sit down and spend the time condensing all of the 1800+ posts into what nine tubes work the best together. Besides, all of this is probably system dependent anyway. At worst it sounds glorious with just about any tube compliment. Other system issues take priority at this point. If anyone has bothered to make lists of the different proven nine tube combinations I would be grateful for that information.

You are right. I am holding my own health-wize. Even though Barb and I both are looking forward to a more leisurely pace for awhile I'm up for attending other get togethers where I can meet more of you guys. Everyone has been fun so far.

I hope all you Dad's have a good one tomorrow.

Pat,
Happy Fathers Day to you. I don't have any offspring myself. We had two "boys" Patches and Merlin. They were Papillions, 16 years old. My wife and I had to put them down about six weeks ago. Hardest thing I have ever had to do, it brings tears to my eyes, just to type this.
I am very impressed, I could not keep up with a couple of two year olds, like you are doing. Although I am sure that you are enjoying every second of it.
You seem to be more active than me and I am training for my 3rd marathon.
Again happy Fathers Day
Jeff

Lugnut,
Just checking on the posts to see how you were doing. The Dallas trip sounds like a blast...I have my own circus here with a bunch of students visiting my lab for the summer and my own daughter graduating from high school and heading off to university.

Hope you have a good week "off".

Oh my Pat. I quickly read your comment to Ray without realy thinking. I saw "Back in early February when I got my first treatment I did get mine cut off before it fell out" and I was sure you said "before it fell off." I had no idea what you were talking about, but my mind was thinking something else. I was so releaved to see you were talking about you hair and that you and Barb could still enjoy sex. My God, I felt realy bad for you for a breif moment.
JD

.
Hello Patrick me boy. Just checking in to say Hi and let you know that I have been thinking about you.
.
I was delighted to hear that you got your new Cartridge up and running. How is the break-in process going ?
.
Best Regards,
Larry
.

Pat,
Where are you? Still recovering from the little ones? We need an update. Hope things are good.

Jeff

You guys are so darned faithful. Thank you. I was going to hold off on posting to this thread until after my doctor's visit tomorrow. Honestly, I know that my current chemo is no longer working. I'm not feeling well at all considering how good I have felt the last couple of months. Eating is becoming a pretty big issue. I'm uncomfortable if I don't eat and more uncomfortable if I do. I will post again tomorrow and let you know what plan of attack is going to happen. For sure, whatever it is will be brutal compared to the Taxol that has given me very few side effects. I am thankful that it has worked longer than anticipated. Enough of this.....

Yesterday I went up in that WWI bi-plane ride that Barb bought for me. Nice Father's Day gift! We went about twenty minutes north of where I live and proceeded to do some "maneuvers", he he. It's a cool ride in more ways than one. I then was given the opportunity to drive the thing. Hey, I'm telling you guys that I could take off and land it without any lessons at all. No kidding. I flew it back toward town and actually found my house and circled it. Stick and throttle is all you need unless you are on the ground and then you need to do the peddle thing. It was a good time and my grandson enjoyed watching me get in, go up and come back down. He was impressed. I'd post a photo if I knew how.

We ate at the airport grill. I've eaten at several small airports and all of them serve a very good meal at a cheap price. I did pay a hefty price all day and unfortunately we had committed to going to a late day barbeque. I could only eat a few bites there and this was about ten hours after eating a small breakfast at the airport.

Jeff, I know how hard it is to put down a long time pet. Sorry about your loss. We had to put down Paco, one of our cats that was 18 years old due to liver failure. He was a sweet guy. With no claws and very few teeth he was the protector of our back yard whenever any stray puss wandered in.

J.D., at this point IF it took having my pee pee fall off for a cure, I'd let that sucker rip. Rest assured, it's still there and it still works, he he.

Larry, the Airy 3 is wonderful. I suppose my system would respond to the UNIverse too but I'm as happy as a clam with this cartridge. It is just so smooth. For whatever reason, I prefer the silver wire versions of the ZYX line. It's going to be interesting to hear it after a few weeks and I'll let you guys know what my final impression is. You can count on it.

Hey, keep your fingers crossed that the oncologist has another bullet to load. I'll let you know tomorrow. Thanks for thinking of me.

Hi Patrick,
Going up in a Bi-plane sounds like a blast!

I just saw one fly over the other day and they sure are easy to spot with the double wings.

............Pat

I just happened upon this by looking at the latest forum threads. Lugnut Hang in there man, my friend has stage 4 colon cancer and he is beating it!! My prayers go out to you and your family.

Patrick, thanks for another wonderful post. I'll be watching for news. I wish you all the very best... more than I can say, since this is your thread and I'm shy. I love biplanes myself, and now one day I'll take a ride in one thanks to you.

Hi Pat and everyone,

A ride in a WWII warbird? That's great. I've always wanted to go up in a warbird. What a great Father's Day present!

Sorry to hear that you're not feeling well, Pat. Maybe it's time to heed the doctor's call to a grazing approach. Whatever it is or whatever it takes, I hope you find a solution so you feel better again soon.

I apologize that I've been AWOL. A planned 2 week stay in Detroit turned into a 3 week stay, and upon return to Delaware I was just beat ... slept most of the past 2 days.

Looks like we'll be moving to Michigan -- I've accepted an offer from a small but extremely talented and upcoming firm there. Lis and I will drive there shortly after the 4th. She'll house-hunt while I work, and hopefully we'll find a suitable house and conclude a purchase agreement within 2 or 3 weeks. Then Lis will fly back and begin packing, and I'll fly back a couple days before the big move to pack the really important stuff -- you all know what that is! I'll now turn to the backlog of AI inquiries and orders, and get those out in the next day or two. Sorry for the delay and thanks for your patience.

Pat, again, I hope you find a solution to your current discomfort. As always, my prayers are with you, Barb, Amanda and Scott. Hang in there, buddy.

Warmest regards,
Paul

Thanks for the well wishing from everyone. And Paul, I knew you'd fit right in with the new firm. I do hope that Lis looks for a house with a dedicated listening room for you.

My world has been a little rocked by this particular visit with my doctor. The short story is that I have another CT scan tomorrow mid-day which will confirm what I already know. I know that the cancer is active in my stomach and that since the lining of my abdominal cavity also suffers from involvement I have a fluid build-up beginning in there as well. I can tell that my liver is sensitive and my lung capacity is diminished too. Today's scheduled chemo was canceled. About the only good news is that when I complained about forgetting words, which is happening with increased frequency, the doc said that is a normal chemo side effect from prolonged use. I guess I'm not losing my mind after all!

I must have said something to the doctor which prompted him to have the counselor come in to visit with us. Actually, I know what I said to him. I had requested a particular drug but probably wanted it for the wrong reasons or mis-stated what I intended. Basically, and this is from the heart, I don't want to want to lose control of my life AND I don't want to quit living my life until it's over. I expressed a desire to continue to enjoy life. Honestly, I doubt that will be the case. The cancer is closer to gaining control of this situation than I am of gaining control of the cancer. I hate that. It pisses me off a great deal. It's one thing to die but quite another to be faced with losing interest in everything and everybody, one thing and one person at a time. Unless I'm very lucky that's exactly what is going to happen. I want to be in control. I want to dictate my life until it's over. It ain't gonna happen guys and I better get on the right track about this. Intellectually I realize that there is a time, and it's coming sooner rather than later, that I'll just need to succumb to the inevitable and let this process do its thing. If it means that I lose interest in music and begin to cling to what is closest to me (Barb), then I just need to let it happen. Accept.

One of our audio club members is a radiation doc at this clinic. My oncologist said that if I'm fortunate what is bothering my stomach might be a candidate for his services. Otherwise, I'm not sure what my other options are at this point. The possibility exists that there are no more options. I dunno. Apparently, I'm just along for the ride.

I had planned on having a club meeting at my place on July 11th. Barb wants me to carry on with that plan and since it seems to be important to her I probably will. I had already gotten a committment from a jazz quartet to play for an hour or so. These guys are good, very good. I've got so many drugs around here that I can somehow make myself feel pretty good. The preparations might be difficult but I know that between her and our daughter that we can pull it off. Normally the club doesn't meet during the summer months because of vacations and other activities that interfere. A smaller than normal turnout would be fine but the prospect of live music might bring out a large group. Either way will be just fine.

I know I needn't apologize for writing what I have. Still, I do wish that I could make you guys feel real good about all of this. I'm not feeling good about it at all and I know it will hit some of you hard. The thing is I promised to be honest. Anything less would not be Lugnut. I need to work through this. Feel free to offer advice or criticism, whatever. Keep me and my little family in your prayers as Paul has so thoughtfully done. God bless you all.

Pat

Pat,
Just to hear your 'voice' here is always good.

We're always thinking of you, in case that isn't obvious.

Howard

Our thoughts and prayers are most definitely with you!

Nothing to say, just want you to know I am here.

Jeff

Pat,

I feel a bit awkward commenting here, as I only know of you what I've read on this site.

I have to say that I believe it took great depth of character for you to speak out here as you have, despite your modesty about it. I'm sure I could not have done the same.

I only wish I had some sage advice or meaningful words that would carry you through your difficult time. Those could only come from personal experience; you and I being better acquainted. Words of that caliber are, in this case, beyond my grasp.

What I can say is that I routinely check this thread to read of your latest exploits, or just your commentary on ordinary events. It is a constant reminder that I should live my life to the fullest, to more often let my wife know that I love her, to call relatives and stay in touch, to just do my best to be me despite anything that might make me less so. Thank you for that.

I also wanted you to know that despite never having met you, I think of you, your situation and your family often. You are in my wife's and my prayers daily. We wish you and your family the very best.

Consider this an introduction...

Loony,
It looks like your in need of a turntable.(just kidding) No I'm not.

You said it all..very well

Jeff

Jeff,
Kidding or not, I'm working on it. I have a nice spot all picked out for a Teres 255.

This is unfortunate news indeed, Pat. Let me get this right: the doc sent in the shrink because he didn't want you getting into his stash? But seriously, whatever comes, I know you will face it with the same courage and abiding faith in a loving God with which you have faced everything to date. Your faith will not fail you; your God will not fail you; your loving wife and daughter will not fail you; and your friends will not fail you.

If a chapter is closing, Barb and you provided the perfect punctuation: taking life for a wild ride in a warbird. God bless.

Patrick- Good luck, my man. All of your friends and acquaintances here are thinking of you. Loony has said it all, but just one thought. If its time to put your ownf and your family's needs first, then that's what you should do. Even though most of us have not had the pleasure of meeting you personally, I am sure that I speak for all of your Audiogon buddies: please don't concern yourself with making us feel bad; if venting here helps you even the slightest amount, then that's just fine. I hope you take the opportunity to put your words and thoughts out there just as they occur, w/o any concern about their effects on others. No way do you seem like the selfish sort at all and your concern for the impact of this on those you've never met is quite touching and even a little embarassing. So let it fly; I think the bargain we (the Audiogon community and yourself) made was for you to be honest and for us to listen and help in any way we could. I'll be thinking of you and hoping for some good news soon.

Pat,
Sometimes words are inadequate. I think you get the sense of what the Audiogon community feels for you and wishes for you. It's strange, but the impact your thread has had is quite enormous. I think my wife summarized it this weekend, when a non-audio couple whom we haven't seen for a year, asked me how I spend my "non-working" time, since I told them I'm too busy to socialize. She said "He used to spend all his time reading about Audio equipment on A'gon, now he just wants to know how Lugnut is doing". Like many of the other contributors on this thread, I have never personally met you, but your honesty and fortitude has touched all our lives. And our perspectives on what's important.

Pat, as you are well aware yourself, Barb, Amanda, & Scott are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep the faith, for He will keep you. God Bless you and yours.

I'm sure Pat will be embarrassed by this, but hopefully not upset...
I only met him on one occasion, but have had the pleasure of corresponding with him over the last year or so. The level of respect and friendship I have for Pat increased immeasurably when I met him in person. He is in many ways a throwback to a bygone era when men were polite, considerate, and anything but the doormats they have become. His struggle has been an inspiration to me, and his example, one worth following. He is a trooper, but inspite of all he is going through, his thoughts and concerns are for his family and those around him. In a culture where selfishness is considered a virtue, Pat shows how meeting the needs of others actually meets our own needs.
To quote a better man Pat, "I thank God for my every remembrance of you..."

Intellectually I realize that ... I'll just need to succumb to the inevitable and let this process do its thing. ... Accept ... apparently, I'm just along for the ride.

To say this, to accept, in the face of ordinary obstacles is difficult; to live it through in the face of ordinary obstacles takes strength and courage. To say it in the face of life itself is great honesty. To live it in the face of life itself means, to me at least, the greatest courage and love a human can possibly achieve.

Pat, to share your difficulties as you have done is to keep us grounded in the reality of the struggle to live and grow. There is no use in high-flown words if they have no grounding. Your sharing has made my difficulties easier to bear.

We are just humans, prone to error, in impermanent bodies. To manifest eternity--the eternity of life, of reality, of the universe, of God, of love--from this position, is our challenge. Lugnut is doing his job, and what a job. I am immensely grateful.

.
Tobias, Beautiful post....Thanks

Rgds,
Larry
.

I am a man of few words, a few very close friends. But now I feel like I belong to a big family that has come together in support of one another. I am in awe of all of you and I am thankful to be a part of this family.

Jeff

Pat

Your honesty and sharing has personally enriched my humanity. You will never be alone when sharing this experience with us all to the degree you have. Thank you so much, you have my humble gratitute.

And Tobias to you, thank you for your most thoughtful words. They really struck a major chord with me.

Tobias, thank you. You express some of my deepest feelings about Pat and what he has done for all of us with this thread.

I receive a great deal of comfort from you guys. Probably much more than you realize. Since this thread began I have had mixed emotions about my good fortune contrasted with so many people out there with little or no support in similar circumstances. I'm a very lucky guy.

I think I'm beginning to get a grip on my emotions. I'm simply grieving in advance for losses that won't matter one whit when they occurr. My love for family, friends and music define who I am. To an extent they define what I am as well, at least partially. A lot of what makes up Lugnut is confined to electrical impulses firing off in a sequence unique to me. My beliefs, feelings, passions, anger, outrage, respect, admiration and perceptions make up what I am and the people and things I love are the fruit growing from those roots. In a perfect life that is nearing its end I would prefer to hold everything I've described above close until I've drawn my last breath. Even in circumstances like mine there are exceptions to the process I'll likely go through and maybe I will be one of the few lucky ones. Sadly, the realization that each and every one of the things I've described will, most likely, drop away one by one while I'm still of this earth.

This process reminds me of a neighbors tree that looses its leaves very late in the year. I don't know what kind of tree it is but it reluctantly gives up its leaves to the season. In years past I've watched this process with humor and amazement, commenting to Barb about the stubborness this tree posesses. Each year, even as new buds are turning into fresh green leaves there is a single dried up, old brown leaf clinging to its branch somewhere near the top. I'm a lot like this tree. I want so much to have all that makes up my life cling to me as stubbornly as I've held onto them in better times. It's through this comparison that I've come to realize that even when my essence cannot hold on the leaves of my life will still cling to me.

You guys are a big part of it. I do know that the most faithful of you will still be a part of me long after I'm gone and this has brought me a great deal of comfort over the last two days. I've known a lot of shallow folks in my life that would ridicule someone like me for daring to compare my life to a tree. The comtempt reserved for that type of person is replaced by sorrow for their hollow lives. I know you guys better than that and trust you to have the insight to grasp the subtle message I've tried so hard to convey.

So, what am I doing now, you might ask? Well, here's how yesterday shaped up. I had the mid-day CT scan followed by a listening session visit of a club member. I had recently assisted him in installing a new cartridge on his old Denon turntable and he was thrilled with what he heard. Another of our club members had urged him to come over and listen to what a modest but well tuned table could provide. I think he was moved and hope that the dormant vinyl library he has is put to future use. Next, a dear old friend of 45 years came by for help terminating his new speaker cables. You see, he has duplicated my system and is now just receiving all the bits and pieces. What a compliment. A blues bar friend and her daughter then came over bearing gifts. Eat your hearts out. I now own the Beatles doll set and bobble heads. The doll set consists of stand up dolls about two feet tall with instruments even with a fifth member of Peter Best, although without stand. Later the friend that I've been building a system for stopped by to fill me in on the construction of his new music room. These are the things Lugnut is doing and I cannot see the pace lightening up. Maybe if I have no time to be sick I will keep this nastiness at bay. Yeah, I know, I'm a dreamer.

Today, tomorrow and all of this holiday weekend will be at this same pace, the high point being Scott turns two on Saturday. I'm pretty certain that he will have a few short memories of his grandpa to live with him later in life. That's my hope anyway.

Whether your posts are as insightful and poetic as what Tobias has written or simply saying you're thinking of me I appreciate every one. You guys honestly make this process much easier than going it alone. Thanks again.

Pat

Have a good weekend Pat, we'll worry about next week when it comes.

Pat,

I believe you are a tree. Deeply rooted in fecund earth, with ever-green branches providing shelter and shade for all those who surround you. You are, I think, also like those ancient trees whose seeds are spread only when, every century or so, they are seemingly consumed by fire. Somewhere, some time, perhaps decades from now, a new tree will sprout unexpectedly from your seed and like its parent, Lugnut, become recognized as an everlasting symbol of hope

God bless you, tree.

-Kelly

Thank you Kelly, wish I had said that.

Lugnut, I think we are all "rooting" for the tree.

Thank you all for your kind words. Friday at 6 pm on a holiday weekend I get a call from my oncologist. He had just read the radiologist's report about my CT scan. I am back to where I was prior to beginning the Taxol. Everything I already knew has been confirmed. There is considerable fluid build up and tumors are clearly visible. He commented that the quantity of involvement is substantial. It's everywhere. I really don't think there is any option left that is approved as standard protocol. Radiation will not help. This is charting new territory for yours truly. Have a great weekend guys, I'm going to. A listening session tomorrow and a friends birthday party. Sunday will be a day of celebrating Scott's second birthday. Haven't made plans for the 4th yet. Barb and I alone would be as nice as anthing I can think of.

I truly don't know what to say, but I feel a need to show that I am here for you.
God Bless

Jeff

Oh man, Pat. 2nd and 3rd sentence got me thinking that this would be one of those feel good pieces about the hard-working doc bringing some good news. Sweet dream, but a dream nonetheless. At least for now. I know you have developed a good relationship with your oncologist and he has given you some real relief the last few months. It must have been very tough on the two of you, and your wife and family as well. From your words, it sounds like you may be considering either experimental or alternative therapy. To say that I wish you luck in whichever path you choose (or choose not to take) is an understatement. At times like this I wish I was a religous guy and could offer my prayers for you and your family. That's not the case for me, although you know that there are plenty here who will be doing that. I sincerely hope that they are right and I am wrong and the prayers provide you and them some comfort. Please forgive me for rambling- have a great weekend; enjoy your family and wife and know that I will be thinking of you all.

Pat,
How is it possible that the Tour de France starts tomorrow, and while all eyes will be on Lance (going for his 7th straight victory), I won't be able to stop thinking about you climbing up those mountains? You've had that much of an impact on me.

Enjoy your weekend, and please do consider the invitation.
All the best,
Howard

Hi Pat,

Enjoy the weekend!

:^).....Pat