Take a Mylar kite with a copper tether line, attach the tether to a yttrium needle inserted into an inflated sheep’s bladder, sealed with earwax around the insertion point. Through an opening on the other end of the bladder, attach a length of natural sausage casing with cheap twine, pig intestine is preferred, and the casing end to a Barnum bellows. Direct the bellows exhaust to the intake of a pure silver alembic containing precisely 4 drams of tears from a widowed spinster floating in a pool of mercury. Allow the distilled effluent to drop on to 7 yards of vellum treated with fly agaric extract, stretched tautly over a bronze kettle.
Now, fly the kite when a thunderstorm approaches. A successful lightning strike to the kite will travel down the copper wire, causing the yttrium needle to oscillate at 35.432 fluctons per quaternion. The resulting air displacement through the sausage casing will cause the bellows to increase pressure in the alembic forcing the spinster tears to separate one quantum of mercury gas which will strike the vellum. Due to the fly agaric’s hallucinogenic compounds, the bronze kettle will play Miles Davis’s Bitches Brew with mind-blowing fidelity to such a degree that Magicos, indeed ANY speaker will sound like a grotesquely obese man farting in a bowl of jello.
Gentlemen, as I have demonstrated with this amazing application of Natural philosophy, all Audiophile speaker manufacturers are fools, fools I say!
