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My love of music is killing me.

I have been a music lover my entire life but now at age 51 I just can't listen without falling into a deep depression. My oldest son Devon inherited my love for music and took it even further. By age 25 he was a VERY talented guitar, bass player. We use to take turns playing tracks for each other just to broaden our herizons....but his gone now. I lost Devon 11-27-09 after a 6 year battle with cancer. I held his hand as he passed that night. The illness took everything but his love of music. His right cheek bone, right upper jaw bone, a rib, muscles in his abdomen and back,sight from his right eye...and finally his life....I could do nothing but watch....wishing it was me laying there going through that hell. Its been a year and a half now...his birthday will be next week. He would of been 29. Now when I listen to music I cry instead of smile. May be one day the joy will return but for now there is a hole too large to fill.

Hug your kids....Pease.
dean_fuller
chadnliz
3,736 posts
 
I cant imagine your pain but many here are with you in spirit or more if you need to reach out. With some time and help I hope you can find peace and joy in music once again, listen to music you both shared could one day be a uplifting experience bringing back memories of laughter and joy. He would want that for you just as sure as you would want that for him. Maybe till you get to that point try and listen to exclusively new music, perhaps that will keep your love of music alive while avoiding pain till you have time and help to work through this incredible pain. You know myself and others are here for a phone call or email so by all means reachout. The loss of a son or any loved one is a tragedy but to stop living yourself is perhaps more tragic, your son sadly wasnt in control of his destiny but you my friend are and as survivors we owe it to those who passed to live life to the fullest. Godspeed
bander's avatar
bander
492 posts
 
Dean, please accept my deepest condolences. Your grief is appropriate considering that your son died less than 2 years ago. People do get 'stuck' in the bereavement process and it would be a positive step to seek out others who share your experience. We all need a witness to our pain and seeing a grief counselor either solo or within a group can bring much needed respite.
rrroberts
21 posts
 
Dean, this story is heartbreaking and very close to home as well. I shared a similar music appreciation with my Father where we would trade off cuts 'till the wee hours. He passed back in 1993 and it was some time before I could feel the same about music and we also enjoyed target shooting together. I was able to overcome the music loss with him but have not gone target shooting since 1993...I wish there was an easy way to get over this but there isn't other than remembering that he would not have wanted you to give up something the two of you loved so much...
Best wishes
Russ
tjtrout20
16 posts
 
Dean,
Your post has got a 52 year old, normally stoic man, crying at his computer this afternoon. You have received some great advice, no more from me. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I will hug my kids today. Peace
mapman's avatar
mapman
21,865 posts
 
"Now when I listen to music I cry instead of smile."

Though one cannot compare ones trials and tribulations to another person's, the best I can say is that some of my favorite and most endearing music is the music that brings a tear to my eye when it strikes a chord that makes me remember a loved one, either living or deceased.

Also there have been times when I could not get myself to cue any music up for similar reasons however eventually I found the strength needed to do it and found it to be quite therapeutic in hindsight. Sometimes its like having to force yourself to take some bad tasting medicine that you know will help in the long term.

My wish for you is that you are able to tap you inner strength and perhaps your enduring inherent love of music and what you and your son shared in it to help provide the catalyst towards better days ahead as well!

"Never Blame the Rainbow for the Rain".
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