Planning your Total eclipse party? Avoid being a human Sacrifice!

Hello all,

The last time the contiguous U.S. saw a total eclipse was in 1979.

On Monday I bet there will be plenty of PF Dark side of the Moon blasting at eclipse parties across the nation. However, everyone needs to push PLAY on Pumpkin Head ted’s cut of total eclipse of the sun”, or something similar. Maybe bonnie tyler’s “total Eclipse of the heart” instead.

Have you cut out the aluminum foil for your party hats, amps and DACs? Built your Farrady cages? Got enough sun screen? Made plenty of “No Virgins Here! Signage?

Following the SCIENCE aspect (listed below) of Monday’s miracle of nature, is a list of 10 things which will ensure your Solar black out should be a safe and enjoyable one.

SCIENCE
Monday, August 21, 2017, America will see a total eclipse of the sun. the path of totality will pass through portions of 14 states from Lincoln Beach, Oregon to Charleston, South Carolina. Observers outside this path will still see a partial solar eclipse where the moon covers part of the sun's disk though not as fully.

For this eclipse, the longest period when the moon completely blocks the sun from any given location along the 70 mi. wide path of ‘totality’ will be about two minutes and 40 seconds.

first point of contact will be at Lincoln Beach, Oregon at 9:05 a.m. PDT. Totality begins there at 10:16 a.m. PDT.

Over the next hour and a half, it will cross through Oregon, Idaho, Wyoming, Montana, Nebraska, Iowa, Kansas, Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky, Tennessee, Georgia, and North and South Carolina. The total eclipse will end near Charleston, South Carolina at 2:48 p.m. EDT.

Its longest duration will be near Carbondale, Illinois, where the sun will be completely covered for two minutes and 40 seconds.


PRECAUTIONS!
1. Do not look directly at the sun!
you don’t know exactly where its been or who has been handling it!

The safest way to view the Eclipse is through special eyewear. Right? Nope.
It is from a vicarious perspective .

Pay someone else to stare at it and give you updates every 5 to 10 seconds.

Oddly, Audiophiles will appreciate this more than Home Theater buffs which will be in severe peril.


2. bring in the more valuable pigs, goats, and of course all the virgins in the family!
Why?
Fanatical secular Sun Worshipers are known to be extremely dangerous during the 2 minute 40 second interval of the full black out of the sun. it is during this zenith many of these ‘cults’ feel obliged to sacrifice something. Usually not something personal.

Carbondale, Illinois, beware!

ordinarily, berserk eclipse worshipers will seek out some young nubile untouched candidate for their own zaney hazing party.

Regrettably it is very likely everyone on Capitol Hill will not throw their hat in the ring for this particular candidacy, and as such remain unscathed.


3. Location, location, location!.
the entire event takes about 3 hours. Ensure a good ‘spot’ can be had to endure the experience fully.

Locating a secluded wide open area with a single domicile, approach the owners while wearing a hard hat, tape measure, and carrying a clip board as these will help tremendously in to gaining access to some stranger’s property or better yet, their roof so you can get a solitary, unmolested view point.
Merely tell the property ownere you are with the Inspectors and an arial view showed irregularities on their land and their roof you must painstakingly inspect for their own safety. Add too, it will take about 3 hours. Further, tell them they must remain inside and close all blinds and draperies.

If they ask where is your ladder, smile and wryly inform them you are using a drone.

To further dissuade suspicion and As a confident building reminder, tell them them if they have any virgins to keep them securely sequestered for their own well being from the clutches of sun worshiping zealots bent on sacrifice, known to be in the area.

This last bit of inside information will endear the residents to you. well, maybe.


4. stay hydrated.
3 hours of even partially direct solar energy is more deadly than full solar exposure.

Acquire and fill several squeeze bottles of water, or your choice of beverage and continualy squirt those in close proximity to you so they reamin soaking wet. Remind them of course this is simply for their own protection and not a selfish self seeking juvenile act.

With everyone wearing their “Blindness doesn’t scare me, I looked directly at the Sun the whole time” T-shirts you had printed up before hand and sold as momentos of the event, and all are now fully drenched, this situation may double as entertainment if there is a decided 50 – 50 split of males and females, all were liberally drinking adult beverages and a ‘wet t shirt’ contest might well ensue

Perhaps, offer a dry T shirt to the winner.


5. nourishment is key
Several hours in the mid day heat is exceptionally taxing. Prepare a light but healthy repast with good variety beforehand.

Ensure all of the three basic food groups are included.
Fast food
Junk food
Finger food

Have on hand, plenty of vitamin ‘G’. commonly known in the South as ‘gravy’.

Gravy is not merely the accessory or accommodation many view it as, but in the South for years it is a well known fact, gravy in a pinch, is a beverage.


6. have a designated driver!
We all know how much fun it is to watch paint dry, or grass grow. So who knows how exciting a total eclipse of the sun party might be!? If one gets carried away and views the sun throughout the whole of the process, and are now blind. Or just blind drunk, Having a designated driver will be a good thing.


7. Designated decoy.
If you overlooked the caveat for an alternative driver to return everyone home safe and sound, and way too many libations were consumed by way too many people the only recourse you have is to designate a ‘decoy driver’ or ‘DD’.

The best DD is a sober DD, although this is optional and will be a matter of choice or popular vote.

If the DD is indeed intoxicated, Yes, this is tantamount to forcing someone to be a living sacrifice, yet there remains the slim chance of survival. Or incarseration.

The ‘DD’ sets off from the event in a contrary direction. This is before anyone else leaves.

The DD will drive wildly and recklessly about garnering as much attention to themselves as is possible.

Normally hooting and hollering while laying on the horn and flashing the lights will attract attention though it may be mistaken as a pair of newlyweds and thus be ignored..

Consequently, disrobing and throwing clothes out the window while speeding along, or hanging various body parts outside the window often has much greater affect.

Curiously, these latter actions always seem to soon enough, lead to a law enforcement official steadfastly set into hot pursuit of the happy go lucky, fun loving decoy driver.

Eventually giving up the chase, miles away from the party, the DD will then step out of the vehicle and keep the officer occupied, meanwhile of course all others leave the site unnoticed.

The proper explanation prior to arrest is that they are the Dedicated decoy, and in full control of their faculties, although this may or may not prevent an eventual arrest it is commonly understood many law enforcement officials enjoy this joke tremendously!

If the DD is in fact not sober, once stopped, the officer will ask the DD to step out and the DD may then just invite the officer in to the car exclaiming he is too drunk to get out.

Often such remarks are so humorus the on scene patrolman gets to laughing so hard he usually lets the DD go without an arrest or even so much as a ticket!
Or so I’m told.
Your results may vary.


8. Stay Inside!
Do not expose yourself.

This is a fundamental truth for all solar eclipse scenarios and personal rule of thumb for behavior at parties.


9. The power of suggestion.
As you had the foresight to have hats and T shirts printed up with comedic phrases like,
A. “I was there! ! Anyone know a good cataract specialist?”

B. I saw it with my naked eyes! Is it over yet?

C. Yep! Saw it all and my hands are still 20/20.

D. 2 minutes and 40 seconds. Wow! Just like sex!

Donning your event regalia will suffice to avow your participation and presence at the event of the decades to the MORE INQUISITIVE OF THE LOCALS.


10. how important is it?
Life is littered with substantial, moving, perhaps once in a lifetime occasions. We must perennially inquire of ourselves one theme, ‘how important is it’ in all of our affairs.

Down every road, life demands expense. How we are affected by it is its most formidable tax. Although we can not foresee every upcoming hazard, or bend in the road, we have full control of how we will handle them.

Is catching a glimpse of a big yellow ball getting covered up in broad daylight of end all be all importance? It happens all the time.

Is it as vital as acquiring a new pair of speakers? Is it more imperative than finding the exact right NOS tube?

At the end of the day, Is it so significant a thing I should squander my new preamp savings to get myself and family smack dab into Carbondale Illinois for 2.30 minutes of seething bliss and run the risk of being the guest of honor at a human sacrifice?

The answer naturally is of course, ‘No’.

Were we to opt in, we would suffer the indignation of losing our ‘audiophile’ credentials.
It’s thelaw.

We would be forced to surrender our Audiophile cards. Remain forever besmirched as not pure of inane and insane obsession with sound, gizmos, gadgets, and achieving in home sonics on levels of purity Bose owners will never know

However, on the flip side, we would not then face the embarrassment of telling someone what we paid for a wire, or extension cord, or… OMG… our main amps and speakers actually cost!

We would not be forced to explain our tube gear is not ancient artifacts someone dug up in the formerly lost strongholds of antiquity but are new or recently new.

Yes sireee… that there amp used to be King tuts.

We could then, afford that next trip to CES, RMAF, or dare I say it? Munich?

Now…. We are talking “sense and sensibilities”!