While they're at it, can they microwave my food as well?
New, Geostationary Orbit Demagnetization Service
Partnering with two major telecommunications providers we are happy to announce that we can now demagnetize your audio gear from space.
Developed by a Czech physicist and already in use by several secret government facilities all over the world, this service will improve the quality of your sound to unimaginable levels. The same technology which allows submarines to hear birds pass gas while in flight will allow us to increase the resolution of your magnetic-acoustic systems.
Coverage is 78% of the US and most of Canada. For $30,000, we will routinely demagnetize you once a month. Both the time and date of the month are configurable for your convenience, to ensure pets, especially birds and ant farms, can be protected.
Due to the nature of resources used you will have to pass a security check. Once that has been approved you’ll be given a web site upon which to enter your address, preferred start time, then it is just a matter of scheduling time on the most convenient satellite.
Should pets and plants start to glow blue, please do not be alarmed, it will dissipate harmlessly.
Please act now, as prices are expected to increase as we take up more satellite time.
Developed by a Czech physicist and already in use by several secret government facilities all over the world, this service will improve the quality of your sound to unimaginable levels. The same technology which allows submarines to hear birds pass gas while in flight will allow us to increase the resolution of your magnetic-acoustic systems.
Coverage is 78% of the US and most of Canada. For $30,000, we will routinely demagnetize you once a month. Both the time and date of the month are configurable for your convenience, to ensure pets, especially birds and ant farms, can be protected.
Due to the nature of resources used you will have to pass a security check. Once that has been approved you’ll be given a web site upon which to enter your address, preferred start time, then it is just a matter of scheduling time on the most convenient satellite.
Should pets and plants start to glow blue, please do not be alarmed, it will dissipate harmlessly.
Please act now, as prices are expected to increase as we take up more satellite time.
14 responses Add your response
I might have to start saving up for this. It would certainly save me a lot of time and energy having to do this manually. I know its not exactly new but its still a huge step forwards when its offered to be done remotely via satellite. Some uninitiated folk are still living under the delusion that it's only tape heads that need regularly demagnetizing. Yet it makes sense that all electronics must be affected by residual magnetic charges. That much is fairly obvious to anyone with a scientific background but what has only just been recently gained wider acceptance is the effect of having your chakras magnetically realigned. The effects of Wi-Fi and 4G are hundreds (if not thousands) of times more pronounced than those from RFI /radio signals. This is not pseudo science, there is a genuine palpable effect anyone can experience. There may even be serious health issues around being magnetically misaligned for too long a period. Hopefully the literature around this phenomena will grow in time and gain widespread acceptance. |
What algorithms and adjustment mechanisms are you employing, to compensate for the Earth’s constantly/rapidly shifting magnetosphere and it’s necessarily, attendant interference with your signal’s results and accuracy? Before spending a Dime, I want to be assured of on-going efficacy and technical support! https://www.swpc.noaa.gov/phenomena/earths-magnetosphere AND: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/2019/02/magnetic-north-update-navigation-maps/ |