i'm looking for something that may not exist

sam here & i'm looking for a small portable device like a small mp3 player that when you turn it on it makes all your digital audio sound like the finest first press vintage vinyl? has to be very portable & fit in your pocket with no cables to plugin to your phone or dac player.you simply turn it on & all your digital audio sounds like pure analog warm vinyl without the clicks,pops,scratches,surface noise,tracking errors,ect.& the volume control could be modified to act as a tone knob only unlike a simple bass, mid, treble, by adjusting the volume it would be like swapping out the phono cartridge to get that perfect sound every time.plus i don't want blue tooth so it has to work on the earths natural electromagnetic frequencies kind of like natures wifi? if this exist can someone let me know where i can buy one because i love the sound of vintage vinyl i just want the convenience of digital audio thanks guitar sam