My love of music is killing me.

Dean...hang in there. Your Audiogon family hugs you. I wish you eventual peace of mind and hope that with the passage of time, you will be able to focus on the great times you had with your son sharing this hobby and the love of music. It is clear that it's too raw for you right now but hopefully in time, music will give you solace instead of pain. My deepest condolences to you and your family for your loss.

If you have not done so already, I urge you, as strongly as I possibly can, to seek professional assistance to address your feelings. Your reaction is completely understandable, but with the right help to sort out your grief and work through the pain, I'm betting you can begin to see music in a new light -- as the thing that sustained your son and one of the intangible, beautiful things that make life a gift for which we all should be grateful.

Please -- seek out a professional grief counselor. You do not have to work through this alone.

Hi Dean_fuller,

That's a sad story and many of us have been through heart breaking sadness in our lives. Having lost a child to MD and a wife of 25 years to cancer, I feel your pain. I would like you to know that your loved one would have wanted you to enjoy life and remember all of the goods about them! I'm sure your son was a wonderful talented individual whom loved you dearly. He wouldn't have wanted his father to give up his love for music. I will also share that a year and a half seams like a lifetime. However, as time passes it does get easier. Grieving is a process that isn't the same for every person. May G-D bless you and your family in dealing with the loss of your loved one. You are in my prayers and thoughts during this time of need.

I may sound a little cold but, yes, please allow someone else to share your pain and loss. Part of you wants to die as well, don't let it become too powerful.
Grief counselor would not be enough; if you decide to follow this path you should find a psychoanalytic psychotherapist or psychoanalyst. What you would want from this person requires high qualification.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's not fair, and what a difficult thing to not only outlive your own son, but to watch him suffer for so long. I lost my dad to cancer and spent his last month with him, and also held his hand upon his last breath. It was mercifully brief, but the suffering left a scar in the deepest parts of me. That was over three years ago. I can tell you based on my own experience that the pain does not go away, but it does get gradually better over time. Life somehow goes back to some different version of "normal" that includes that hole you so rightfully observe as being too large to fill. It's wonderful that you've shared this so openly with the community and I'm touched by your post as well as all the kind and caring responses thus far. I just wanted to add one more cyber-hug to the group and remind you to treasure the memories you have of your son that will never be lost, and to keep sharing the memories and the feelings with others as you have here...counselor, friend, family, or strangers... and don't worry about the music...it will come to you or not. I suspect it eventually will, though it may never be quite the same. Keep your strength.