Record-playing Rituals?

I use a StaticMaster brush for dust and static on both my stylus and for my large format film negatives. The StaticMaster comes with a cartridge that's replaceable, don't touch the cartridge!

Run in a circle 5 times, breathing as much as possible through your nose, kind of like snorting. You must be in the center of the listening room. Then go to the bathroom and pee, at least a little. Wash your hands very thoroughly and cue up the record. Sit down and relax, but be wary of foriegn scents.

That's ridiculous, Mechans. You have to be in the sweet spot of the speakers, not the middle of the room. Try it - upon exiting the bathroom, you'll immediately experience a blacker background, and extended, sweeter highs.
What I do is dry-brush before play, (Acoustech Big Brush), and clean the stylus. Unless someone is looking. Then I merely dry brush the record so as not to look too fussy or compulsive.
New or used records get a few spins in the Spin Clean. Repeat every five or ten years.

Beer...friends...volume....repeat.

IMO, there are only three types of records to clean:

1. Used, prior to the first play
2. New, if they come from the pressing plant with hints of distortion (rare)
3. 30 or more plays

I use a Spin Clean because they're inexpensive and work well. The only issue I encountered was static build up. Of course you can purchase a Zero Stat, but what fun is that? So I built a contraption while unemployed a couple of years ago out of scraps in a NYC apartment. It kept my mind moving and entertained for a week. It's become a conversation piece, every time someone comes over, I get the, "what the hell is that thing". Think of the original Willie Wonka...