Why not use a non-contact stylus on a turntable?

On the question of lambasting at least, got to say, I agree. He's not lambasting. Lambasting, done right, calls for wit and intelligence. But just look what he wrote:

By 'non-contact', I'm not implying a huge gulf between the transducer and the grooves. Quite the contrary, as tracking the extreme analog fluctuations in the vinyl implies a marriage of the closest sort.

What he wants, in other words, is non-contact contact. He's not lambasting. He's incoherent.

Thanks the nano bots was a great idea.

The first generation we built were designed to build the second generation. The second generation built the first generation of road work nanobots. The road workers run around gathering up any loose material they can find, dust, hair, cigarette butts, putting it all together in plastic bags along the side of the groove. This eliminated a lot of noise but we still had a problem with wear.

So we built a third generation. The surveying nanobots find the worn sections by detecting deviations in groove wall slope. So far so good. But then we had to figure out how to patch the potholes. We couldn't figure out a way of doing this without AI. So we used the cloud to connect all the nanobots into a super nanobot AI.

Unfortunately the solution the AI came up with involved fourteen nanobots standing around while one filled the pothole. The more things change....

Okay Greg, outside the box. Tell us all about your rare lubricating gas.

Now that that's settled can we get on to the serious question of magnetically levitating and driving the platter?

Sure. I get it. CD looks good on paper, sounds like crap in reality. So let's think of a way to make LP look good on paper, sound like crap in reality. CD won't be so crappy compared to analog, and analog will be all modern and convenient. And crappy. Totally get it.

Nice try. And thanks. But no.