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My love of music is killing me.

I have been a music lover my entire life but now at age 51 I just can't listen without falling into a deep depression. My oldest son Devon inherited my love for music and took it even further. By age 25 he was a VERY talented guitar, bass player. We use to take turns playing tracks for each other just to broaden our herizons....but his gone now. I lost Devon 11-27-09 after a 6 year battle with cancer. I held his hand as he passed that night. The illness took everything but his love of music. His right cheek bone, right upper jaw bone, a rib, muscles in his abdomen and back,sight from his right eye...and finally his life....I could do nothing but watch....wishing it was me laying there going through that hell. Its been a year and a half now...his birthday will be next week. He would of been 29. Now when I listen to music I cry instead of smile. May be one day the joy will return but for now there is a hole too large to fill.

Hug your kids....Pease.
dean_fuller
tgrisham
1,291 posts
 
I have been a physician for 30 years and I have seen my share of pain and suffering, and have now lost both of my parents. What little solice I can give you is this: a professional grief counselor would help you in your journey through this depression. For me, music is my anti-depressant, but for you there are too many associations of music and your suffering. Perhaps it is time to step away from music for the short term and slowly get back into it when you are feeling better. Instead, you may find some other creaative outlet such as drawing, photography, or some other artistic endeavor. Exercise is also good medicine and should be a part of everyone's recovery. I wish you well. Your son would want you to carry on...
simon
53 posts
 
Hang in there Dean. In the past 6 months I’ve lost my father, my mother and several weeks ago my older brother. I could do nothing but standby and watch this unfold before me with the disbelief that yet another member of my family was actually gone. Music was a big part of their lives as it is mine. For me it’s been tough to hear songs come on the radio or in the grocery store that they loved so much but at the same time it’s an uplifting reminder that music brought us so much joy. If you give up your passion for listening to music then you will be losing a part of your life that both you and your son loved and shared.
bgeofft-duplicate-0
174 posts
 
Your feelings make perfect sense to me. I have walked the cancer road with losses of sibling, spouse. Many hospitals, many procedures, hopes raised and dashed, emotional meltdowns on long distance phone calls to family members, hours and hours in waiting rooms flipping through old magazines, reams of medical insurance paperwork and calls, and bristling at those physicians seriously wanting in empathy. Time may be a healer but each of us processes loss differently and there is no timeline. Nothing new here, but affirming and sharing matter. Kind thoughts and a big ((hug)).

"No one gets through this life unscathed"
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uru975
684 posts
 
Grief counseling is there as a help. It is not meant to allow you to get over your son's loss but rather to go on living. We do not get over the loss of a loved one but we can and do learn or can be taught how to continue and go forward.
For me, after the death of my wife, it came about that even if I were to have known what was to be, I would not have missed the experience of living with her and loving her. She is still with me now after more than two decades but my life has much joy also.
The pain and sorrow were worth the time we had.
May your son's memory be in time a blessing for you
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