I wanna hear some "audio" jokes...and

A bass player was, as always, broke. Wishing for a cheap vacation, he saw an enticing ad in the travel section of the Sunday New York Times:

"Mississippi Riverboat Cruises! Four relaxing days, three nights on the Big Muddy. Special fare for bass players - $1.99! Bring your bass to claim reduced rate."

Excited, he grabbed his acoustic bass and headed to the dock. At the ticket window, he proudly displayed his bass:

"I'm here to inquire about the $1.99 cruise for bass players," he announced.

"Is that there your bass, sir?

"You bet. The very best."

"No problem, then, arranging your cruise. That'll be $1.99 . . . "

As the bass player plopped two bucks on the counter, a blunt object smacked the back of his head. The stunned musical vacationer fell to the ground. Waking hours later, he found himself tied to the bass and floating lazily down the Mississippi. His head ached. Unable to free himself, he floated calmly on. After awhile, he saw beauty in the passing riverscape: idling sloops, tall trees, fishermen on the shoreline, herons startled from the shallows . . .

Our bass player-on-vacation snoozed a bit as he scooted silently with the big river's surge. When he awoke, he spotted another man, floating nearby, tied to a bass. Since he was weak and somewhat thirsty, he called over:

"Hey, man. Do they serve food or drinks on this cruise?"

The other replied, cheerfully, "They didn't last year."

I don't usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes we need to pause
and remember what life is all about. There was a great loss recently.

Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey", died at the age of 83.

It was extremely difficult for the family to keep him in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and....well, you know the rest.

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said,

"Hey! We need to get back!"

No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

OK, I'm out of audio jokes so here are some really bad puns.

1 . Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but, when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" one asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their grocery payments, so they opened up small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath This made him ... A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to Audiogon, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.