I have a serious phobia problem with cleaning records

I’m totally for buying a machine... I was really thinking about the Nitty 1.5fi or 2.5fi not really the mini pro ... If it came to that I would get that... I can pay the thing off in 2 years ... It’s not about money it’s about doing it right especially those chemicals there’s so many out there I’m not sure what the right one or just water I don’t know I’m not very educated in this or never was being playing records for 50 years... And I just want it simple and it that it works correctly then not....  Or pay to have someone do it... But knows what they're doing ...

Believe it or not, I totally agree with MC. If the OP is serious, he should seek help. If he is joking, OK it’s not that bad a joke. Personally, I am very relaxed about whether I clean an LP or not. I own a VPIHW 17, but I use it infrequently.On the other hand, when I do occasionally develop ambition for cleaning records, I am shocked, shocked I tell you, to see the amount of grunge and crap that can be washed off an apparently good looking LP. The OP seems to expect uniform results from cleaning. But one should not expect uniform results, because every single record is in a different state of use or abuse. So in some cases cleaning will make a big difference. In other cases, you won’t hear much difference at all.If an LP sounds bad due to previous years of abuse under some other guy’s ownership, then you can clean it until death, and it won’t help.

And one more thing that really drives me mad.... When you buy a sealed LP and all this stuff appears on the LP can you get that off the LP... I bought sealed LP's that we're 50 years old and when I undid the old seal Jesus the thing had these spots of whatever it was all over the LP... And no fungal record cleaner could get them out or off and then right liquid equals static for me anyway.  I don't buy them anymore.  But even if they're 5 years old sometimes vinyl has those spots or gunk or whatever it is on the sealed LP's ... Even on used LP's I find that ...  Vinyl drives me nuts ..  Half the time not but when it happens it just sounds like a mess.

op

Vinyl drives me nuts .. Half the time not but when it happens it just sounds like a mess.

https://www.qobuz.com/us-en/discover

tremendous enjoyment, zero fuss, no fear 👌

We use a painters pad (thousands of little soft bristles)
either Dawn or ivory soap, run the brush around the record numerous times, 
rinse in sink with water on halfway to keep the air out of the stream, the aeration will cause water to not get in the grooves,...use luke warm water (almost cool to touch). 
 I towel dry with a very old worn cotton towel , so there is no cotton, or residue , then I fire up the shop-vac , with the thin attachment, which I cut pieces of felt w adhesive on back side, all the way around the attachment, works a charm, sucks water, dust, dirt, out like a champ!

 Unconventional, yes, works awesome. Takes much longer than a 600$ machine, and I feel works better.  My opinion only.   We each have our own way to clean our lps’

   Also, I bought the mofi and dishwasher rice inner sleeves. And the Japanese resealable mylar outer sleeves.
  All my records are now immaculate and in storage. After I recorded many of them to a computer and burned them to taiyo yuden cd blanks. 

Also, stop overthinking it, they are records.
unless you clean them with a wire brush and comet, you will be fine. 


 Enjoy the music!