About Lugnut -- Patrick Malone

Paul,

Welcome back. I've been concerned about you. Congrats on the new house and joining the firm. Keep chasing those bad guys!

After careful consideration, and partly motivated by Paul's return, I offer the following dubious news with the usual caveat about everything health-wise being out of my control, etc. On my last visit with the doctor and approaching the statistical ending of the usefulness of my current chemo, he said we should be considering no further treatments when this medication fails. What chemical options are left are so toxic that using them is as bad as letting the cancer run its course. Using them would not provide me with anything that resembles a good day. I've kind of alluded to how yucky I feel most of the time now. As it is I have a couple of days per week where, still feeling crappy, I can rise to the occassion and have a day. If I don't have any days where I can muster the energy to be alive there is no sense in going on. I still have hope that I'll defy the odds and this current drug will see me through a trip to the Rocky Mountain Audio Fest. According to the doc when I stop chemo entirely I will have about two months. It'll only take a couple of weeks for me to likely quit posting to this thread. I'll keep you guys advised about what is happening. Next Friday is my next treatment and then the scheduled week off during which I get my next CT scan. That's on the 29th. The following week we will look at the scan results and decide if further treatment is beneficial or not.

If I fall off the radar on this thread I trust that those faithful Audiogon friends that phone me will keep everyone updated. I'll try to write something and have my daughter post it for me after I'm outta here as final words to you guys. No matter what, I want you all to know that still, I'm okay. Going to a friends house today to listen to some tunes and visit thanks to Barb being able to drive me over.

Pat

You guys are way too generous in what you think of me. Honestly, I'm really dealing with the the demon I call DREAD right now and it is a challenge to not flinch, not just for myself but also for Barb. Neither one of us is looking forward to what lies ahead but we both have faith that God will watch over us, our little family, extended family and friends.

I had accepted the fact that my personal endless list of "things to do" we all have would just be left undone except for the most important ones. Barb asked me to get two things done for her, both of which I really didn't want to do because of the effort involved physically and, worse yet, emotionally. First, the family sedan is pretty well used up and she would like a different car. Groan. I'm still signed up at the Idaho Auto Auction as a buyer for several dealerships. The prospect of going through that process made me want to lie down and take a nap just thinking about it. It's a lot more work than you can realize if you do it right. Luckily, I contacted one of my long time employers that offered to let me select any car he has at his two locations and buy wholesale at pure cost. So, today we'll pay for an '05 Impala with a couple of thousand miles on it. I'll be gifting our old family sedan to our daughter Amanda in hopes that it will be of some positive benefit to her. It's still a solid car and can last a long time but will need some TLC at times. When I wrapped up the car purchase Barb broke down and said how much she would rather have me around than any car. I tried to laugh and said that I knew she would trade everything we have and live in a tent in exchange for keeping me around. I then asked her to, as quickly as possible, view her new life without me as an adventure, saying that would make me happy.

We have had plans to install a bi-fold solid door between the music room and the main house. This would serve three really nice purposes. I'm sure that stage depth would come alive, it would be aesthetically pleasing and allow the room to be shut off when not in use. A side benefit would be to keep children away from the gear. Unfortunately prior arrangements to have this done fell through. It's a real challenge to even get someone to come bid on such a small project what with the abundance of new construction going on around here. There is no lack of work for even a bad handyman. I'm working hard to get someone to do it at a reasonable price but I'm not optomistic. I may have to take a good screwing and keep a smile on my face all the while. Been there and done that before so I think I can keep the heartburn on low fire. This is a must do!

For myself as well as for Barb I leaned on a couple of friends to run conduit into the music room for two dedicated circuits. It's a pretty easy install, but again if I were to try and hire someone for it in this building boom it would be about four times the cost it should be. This project will be done by the weekend. I also stepped up and purchased the best of the best NOS tubes for the Supratek yesterday. These should arrive on Thursday. As good as the performance of the Syrah is if you looked under the hood it's construction resembles a junior high school shop class project. Last time I looked there were two un-soldered connections. The umbilical cord between the power supply and pre is made from the worlds worst solid core tiny wire which would be okay if you set up a system and never moved it. But in the real world of multiple owners I'm now faced with checking every one of those tiny solder connections on both ends as I think I may have a connection questionable. IMO, the Syrah should be sold in a kit form. It couldn't possibly be done any cheesier by a newbie and for the experienced builder its performance would likely be much better if the wiring wasn't such a rats nest. Still, its magic in my system and I'm looking forward to whatever sonic improvements lie ahead. I'll also try and wrap up a really slow and tedious project for my speaker wires. The Ridge Street twin stereo pairs I have are made for spades but the spade fittings are just machined into the flat silver cable. My amps and speakers require bananas so I'm currently using some adaptors. I've taken 22 gauge silver flat and hand crafted silver spades and a silver washer for each of the sixteen contacts. I'm using 4" of silver wire (thanks Albert Porter) to Eichman bullet plugs. These short jumpers will be bolted to the existing cables with nylon bolts and treated with Walker SST. Hopefully this will sound as good as it is now if not better. By this weekend I hope to not need to do anything else to my gear although I did buy one of those 0.01 gram accuracy scales to set the cartridge at its optimum weight.

Barb has proven to be a very quick study with the software and hardware use. She is good about cleaning records on the machine. She's kind of taken control of fippin' and cuein' while I observe. She's taken to correct start up and shut down easily enough so I guess she's pretty much got the whole process down. I haven't yet covered cleaning of the stylus with her. I'm pretty sure that will be a fearful thing for her to learn. We'll save that for when she has a few miles of experience with everything else and i'm satisfied she's developed good habits without having to think too much about what she's doing. She's really been a good sport about it all and I let her choose whatever she wants to put on. Her taste in music has reawakened me to tunes I'd long forgot. I associate most of what I hear with something that occured around the time I purchased a record. Her choices have brought back some really cool memories of the two of us when we were so young and chasing all our dreams and fantasies.

I received my new copy of If Only I Could Remember My Name by David Crosby. Amazing. It's certainly not true audiophile grade but it's very, very nice. Atantic must have re-issued this at some time on heavier vinyl, maybe 160 gram. It's really nice vinyl and the mix is exactly like the original as far as I can tell. I'm very glad that I got this one. Some of it is a little spacey but that's understandable if you look at the cast of characters playing. On a pure pleasure scale i give it a ten. On the ear candy scale about and eight. Two hearty thumbs up in its totality.

Keep cheering these efforts on guys. I need some mental energy sent my way on the projects. Running on fumes. LOL.

Oh yeah, again I ain't no hero. I'm somewhat scared and very apprehensive about this crap. I'd much rather be out fly fishing or throwing a clutchless shift at the track. Hell, I'd even rather be cleaning vinyl non-stop. I'm just trying to remain pragmatic since it is what it is, paraphrasing King Soloman. Today life is very good even with things the way they are. Honest.

Another chatty post courtesy of the steroids. About the only parts that are bulking up from this stuff are my fingers and my tongue. Man, I wonder if those body builders and pro athletes that use this stuff talk non-stop? Whoa! And to think what kind of sight they'd make yelling "turn that f#@*er down".

Obiously I had chemo today. Nothing to report. Always feel my best for a couple of day following.

Man, this has been a very happy week in spite of feeling on the sucky side. Got the car things out of the way both for Barb and Amanda. Received my unobtainium tubes and I've got to say they were worth every penny. Amazing. Rumor has it that I have some very special 6SN7's coming my way to kick it up another notch. I've also finished a couple of tedious audio projects that worked out quite well. Bought a new recliner for the sweet spot and will pick it up tomorrow. Now I can assume the correct postion instead of slouching like I always do. Might actually do the dedicated lines tomorrow too. It's nice realizing that my Nova is now a new roof, car and some audio improvements. Not a bad trade off at all.

Okay, I think some of us are getting on the same page about what I am. Yeah, maybe up until now I've navigated this trip in fairly good fashion. Consider that maybe there are other good ways to handle it as well. Also, I may screw up the rest of it beginning tomorrow. Hey, it can happen. What you guys are alluding to is that I'm open with what is going on with me and making the most of it. Well, it really is that simple. When this thread was started and I posted my first heart felt post there was no turning back. I promised early on that this is what I would do. If for no other reason I will keep my word. Of course, there is much more to it than that and you guys know what I've said about my my happiness if God is using this thread to bring others a step closer to Him. Having fun and enjoying myself come easily. That's the way I am. Sure, I can hurt inside just like everyone else and I'm capable of letting something totally out of my control ruin too many good moments. In this case I haven't gotten my house broken into or received a speeding ticket which would ruin more than a weekend each. Even though what I'm going through may seem like much more than those two events you must understand that it became clear early on I only have so much time (Like you guys, if you haven't already figured it out) and I'm simply not going to waste it. Things I can change, I change. Things I can't change I can find peace in even if they are difficult. This allows me to move on. Maybe I'm a good example guys but it honestly comes naturally. Give my father the credit for NEVER meeting a stranger, always being cheerful and loving deeply and openly. I know no other way. Whatever I'm doing is working for me and I'm so thankful for just about everything I can think of, especially this ordeal, whithout which I would not have found the incredible combined character of you guys. I'm flawed and really hope I haven't let anyone down in any way because I would never do that intentionally. But I'm flawed, hornery, outspoken, opinionated and too full of testosterone. I'd piss everybody off if you spent a lot of time with me. I ain't no hero but I'm okay and comfortable in my own skin. So, okay, I'll be a good example. Did that shit in gradeschool.

Love you guys. Ever think I'll get around to updating my system page?

This should prove to be a very interesting weekend. Admittedly I always have some trepidation prior to meeting Audiogon friends face to face for the first time. Most of you guys seem so.....cultured in comparrison to me. I'll try very hard to be on my best behavior and not embarrass you guys. Barb being with me is a big help since she is responsible for my initial housebreaking.

Chad, I've been following your recent posts. Congrats on the move to tubes and your initial satisfaction with them. I hope you have an equally rewarding experience with your analog endeavors.

I'm really looking forward to Amoeba Records. I'd also love to see Dean stuff some twenties somewhere while getting a lap dance but I'll probably just have to settle for my brain conjuring up the image instead of seeing it in person. It might be prettier anyway.

Howard is going way out of his way to show us a good time. We really appreciate it. Hope to see a few of you other guys while we're in town.

Nate, you're welcome to send a list. Barb would be able to look for your stuff while I look for mine.

Hey Albert. Budget. What budget? You gotta do like I do. Charge it!!! Would love to see you in SF. No doubt your bags would be heavy upon return to Dallas from what I'm hearing about Amoeba and knowing you the way I do. To paraphrase Bob Barker...... Albert Porter, come on down.

Geez Howard, last time I was in SF EVERYONE looked like my friends from cell block C. If Gunbei would join you to pick us up I think I could recognize his green slanted head.

I can tell already that this is going to be fun.

We're back. Barb and I enjoyed our San Francisco visit more than I can convey with words. San Francisco is a city of uncommon beauty, vibrant and ALIVE! Thanks to the generosity of Howard (Boa2) we were able to cram way more into the short time we were there than you can imagine. Worthy of mention is the sacrifice he so willingly gave of his time in such a humble fashion. Never once did we feel like we were an inconvienence yet he devoted every second of his life to our happiness while we were there. Like Albert Porter and Larry (Cello) he seemed to enjoy every second he spent with us and within just a few minutes of meeting we felt like we were hanging out with a dear old friend. Deja Vu all over again, guys. Audiogon is filled with the most incredible, friendly and gentle people. I'm humbled.

I find it very interesting that nearly every one of the folks I've had the pleasure to meet in the last several months are well traveled and highly cultured. Most have advanced degrees. They possess a world view that I've been fortunate to glimpse second hand. Contrast that with the self image of Lugnut. Born into abstract poverty but blessed with a father desiring a better life for his children, my Dad, with his eight years of education, carved out a solid middle class life through his diligence in an apprentice program, becoming a skilled tool and die maker. Raised in a very small Midwestern farming community I was not exposed to the things we associate with culture and suffer a not insignificant amount of inferiority in this regard. Incredibly these folks with backgrounds so different from mine, welcome me as an equal and find whatever I am to be okay. Everyone has taken an interest in me as a person and made me feel as if I belong. A shared love for music does that. In the end this may be the biggest gift all of those structured notes I've listened to for all these years has given me. I truly thank God for the sheer joy that music has given me in this solitary endeavor. I'm especially thankful to Him for the surprise connection to others I would not have had the opportunity to meet.

Friday night we dined with Howard and Mehran of Sorasound. Mehran is the US distributor of ZYX cartridges. We've exchanged several emails and phone calls while conducting business. I've expressed in the forums how thrilled I am with the product line and how pleasant he was to deal with. I was not prepared for the incredible personality I was exposed to Friday night. Mehran is incredibly funny and always has a warm, inviting smile on his handsome face. I learned a lot about his incredibly interesting life and was in awe of his energy and enthusiasm. Again, with he, Howard and Barb it was like old times. The food was great and the conversation interesting but the evening ended too soon as I was feeling pretty crummy and had to retire to our room earlier than I wished. Mehran, thanks for sharing time with us and the exceptional dinner.

Saturday was really great. Our dedicated man slave showed us a lot of sights on the leasurely drive to Berkely to shop at Amoeba Records. I scored six albums that proved to be great choices upon listening once we returned home. Nina Simone's "Little Girl Blue" is a real gem. Recorded in 1958 and being one of her earliest recordings, I was amazed (again and again it seems with recordings of this era) at the sonics, the breathtaking vocals and the mastery of the piano in a style that is a good as it gets. Barb and I both sat through this stunned at how current the material seemed to be. This may be the definition of timelessness. What really rocked my musical world however was the good fortune of finding a Peter Green album I was unfamiliar with. "In The Skies" is beyond description. I figured it would be more great blues and some of it could be classified as such. Most of it defies classification. The recording was exceptional, the content pure magic. Instantly I considered it to be in my list of the top ten albums of all time. It is that good. At less than $4 and without a flaw it's the best software purchase I've ever made. The record shopping was topped off with the best hotdog Iv'e ever had.

Howard then drove us to a surprise listening session at the home of Tuan, Audiogon member gotoma8. Several other folks showed up including The_smokester, aka John Woodworth, Eric Weitzman and Jacob Ofman. John drove a very long distance just to meet us only staying for about an hour and then drove back to attend a function he was committed to. John's a great guy and I really enjoyed visiting with him. Too bad we couldn't listen to his beautiful system. Again, the effort he undertook just to have a short time with us isn't lost on Barb or I. Tuan flipped a few LP's and a little bit of those shinny little disks for us to enjoy but his fine system was overshadowed by his home. What once was an industrial building is now owner occupied apartments and are they ever cool. A wall of glass, super high ceilings, exposed HVAC, electrical and plumbing with a spacious loft for sleeping in whatever floor plan the owners designed make this one killer home. Jacob's home was two floors up from Tuan's and we went up to take a look at it as well. Guys, these are interesting places to live and I was impressed! Again, everyone was instant friends and they made us feel so comfortable being with them.

All of us except John then drove over to the home of Rob Thomas (member robthomas) for more listening. Rob's place was like the others on steroids. I really fell in love with this one and again, even though he had a very fine system I'd love to spend more time with, the home just grabbed me by the short hairs and wouldn't let go. The blend of an industrial environment, great audio gear and comfortable furnishings reminded me of being on a movie set. Rob played a particular recording I'd like very much to find by Reiner and the Chicago Symphony, Prokofieff's "Lieutenant Kije". Very Russian, great performance and a recording to die for is how these classically untrained ears would describe it. I seriously doubt I'll find this but I'm going to try. It's a must have on several audio levels. The entire group then went to have some of the best Thai food I've ever experienced. We spent several hours eating and talking, mainly about audio. Eric, a former low powered tube and horn guy, now a high effieciency speaker and mosfett solid state convert, piqued my interest on this subject which I've seen come up in these forums before but seems to be a most uncommon way to skin the audio cat. He's a big DIY'er having made his own turntable and most of his other gear. Now I'm curious to the point of wanting to find such a system to listen to. To say that we enjoyed this day and all the folks that made it special for us is a serious understatement.

Prior to leaving on Sunday we made a quick visit to the Warf so I could buy a couple of jackets. The prices were so low that I consider them free. Howard then drove us to various points of interest in downtown San Francisico. Non of these visual pleasures could have been taken in by either of us if we were left to our own devices. Not having to navigate ourselves allowed us for two solid days to take in all of the eye candy that is San Francisco not to mention the great converstions we had the whole time. We enjoyed ourselves so much that upon arriving home Barb said she'd like to plan another trip someplace right away. She's pumped up!

My apologies to the wives which I haven't mentioned. Special thanks from both of us for Howard's wife to so willingly share him with us. We didn't have the chance to meet her and this is the only disappointment of the entire trip. In a world where it's rare to meet new, quality friends at this advanced age I've been richly blessed through my experience this past weekend. Deja Vu all over again.

Thank you Howard.

On Saturday morning I opened the San Fransico Chronicle to the weather section. Highs for the day, 71° to 92°. LOL. Not mentioned is the bone chilling breeze whenever you are near the bay like we were. Get five miles away and the weather is totally different. Ten miles away and its much more like where we live here in Idaho.

Aw, shucks Doug. Do you mean you like me? No acounting for taste in this life, is there? Ha. I was probably doing a lame job describing my feelings about acceptance. Yeah, I'm kind of plagued by a cultural inferiority complex. It doesn't happen with my audio friends though. I'm a pretty complex guy but taken at face value within the confines of other groups I've often been made to feel even more culturally deprived. Comments such as, YOU WELD??? YOU DRAG RACE??? YOU FISH??? YOU RIDE A HARLEY???, have been made to me insultingly in other circles. Not with audio guys though. Audio guys even find value in a persons decision to drive a 150,000 mile car, assuming that you spend the savings on a cartridge and tonearm that could buy a new car. I could go on and on about my disdain for uppity folks. At times most of us find ourselves in an environment where we feel uncomfortable being ourselves. I was just trying to convey the comfort level I've found amongst music lovers. Thanks for defending me to myself though.

Howard, the story about you and Gina was cool. While you had the wisdom to see beyond the common barriers we impose on mate selection and found lasting happiness I was just the beneficiary of dumb luck when I found Barb. I've always said I'd rather be lucky than good any old time. Sure, I recognized the qualities she possessed that I wanted in a mate but I was in lust as well as in love. Clearly, my thought processes were overly influenced by my smaller head.

Rob, contact me if you ever wish to have a fly fishing mentor. The street in front of your home is perfect for learning how to cast a fly.

Since Albert is quoting Neil Young I'll let you guys in on a favor my sis is doing for me. She's embroidering a banner with "It's better to burn out than to fade away" for me to hang in the music room.

Larry and Albert, I wish you guys could have been with us too. Maybe Rocky Mountain Audio Fest.

The French doors were installed in the music room while we were gone. The trim and finish will be done on Wednesday. Stage depth was increased and there doesn't seem to be any negative sonic effects otherwise. Aesthetically it's a great addition to our home. Why didn't we do this years ago?

Keep your fingers crossed! I might be able to make it to Denver. I'm not feeling too chatty so I'll keep this short. The CT scan results were interesting. The chemo is doing a fine job with my stomach and intestines. What is problematic and causing me so much discomfort is the tumor growth on my intestinal lining and the resultant fluid build up. There are also issues with pressure on nerves from both the fluid and the tumor itself. I would have a hard time wrapping my mind around this if it wasn't for seeing the scan images and knowing how I feel. The tumor resembles a blanket and appears to be about 1-2" thick. It spreads from below my diaphram to my bladder area and from side to side. This is the source of a lot of irritation causing the fluid. Between the tumor itself and the fluid everything is cramped for space. That's about it. This isn't life threatening but at times it hurts like the dickens. Clearly the chemo is working to some extent and we'll continue using it until it fails. We're going to try and schedule the week of Rocky Mountain Audio Fest as an off week so it's as enjoyable as possible. Hope to see you there!!!!

Thanks for the kind words all. Kelly, I really look forward to meeting you. Lou, I believe you've nailed it! There is incredible power in prayer and I thank you for yours. This seemingly small goal of going to RMAF will be a dream come true if I can pull it off. I've never attending any trade show before. Joe, never a doubt that you were up to your eyeballs in something and would return. Nate, in spite of the cheer in my voice (real) your situation just about brought me down. Few things are as frustrating as being denied the use of a new toy. At least that's how this toy afficianado sees it.

The really good news is that the simple tweak of reducing the dosages I wrote about earlier have really paid off. I had an exceptionally good weekend in comparison to other times when the dosages were larger. Last Saturday night we received an invitation for a barbeque and I enjoyed a great steak but worried terribly that my body wouldn't process it. No problem at all.

My doctor knows of our plans to go to Denver and is very supportive. I don't know whether to believe him or not but he indicated we'd schedule an extra week off from the chemo coinciding with RMAF. Man, if I can attend AND eat like a normal person I'll be one happy guy.

One by one my little audio projects are getting done. The dedicated circuits are in and today I should wrap up the fabrication of two power strips using Porter Ports and hook everything up. I realize that this DIY route is not ideal and only wish I could spring for the best audiophile grade solution. Hell, my power cords are all stock. I'm hoping that I'll get a fair percentage of improvements though. I'm not looking forward to the break in. I'll leave the system run 24/7 using the Granite Audio phono burn in CD hoping to speed things up.

The new doors look really nice and added some depth to the sound stage. Barb and I acquired two comfy chairs to compliment the new recliner occupying the sweet spot. This has freed up a lot of real estate and trust that the room won't miss the absorbtion of the love seat and overstuffed chairs they replaced. About the only shopping needed now is for a couple of smallish end tables to hold drinks and remotes. This is proving to be the most difficult purchase of all.

I hesitate to post this since it's such a weird request for this thread. Would you guys see if you can find me a NM copy of Neil Young's "Unplugged" LP? I'll pay up to $50 plus shipping. Don't just go and buy it since I've contacted several other people individually with the same request. Let me know and then I can stop the other guys first. I'm not looking for any gifts, okay? Please.

Hey Nate, we Irish have always been considered savages. No sense spoiling the reputation with good manners.

Chemo today. All things considered since this last week went so well I'm not dreading it like before. Hope this next week proves to be as good.

Thanks for the help Albert. I found a very nice copy in Europe. Okay Nate, you can make fun of the crumbs in my beard but you can't make light of Neil Young's music. Stop it now, ya' hear? He he. Albert, the restaurant is a front operation. Nate only cooks when the Feds show up. Otherwise he's buying/selling audio gear or posting to this site. Dillon, you wouldn't bid against me if the situation were reversed. I hope. (Again, laughing)

Nate, in the off chance that your post IS NOT a joke, the album name is "Unplugged", released circa 1993, a German pressing. Keep your eyes and ears open for his next release entitled "Praire Wind". Certainly it will debut on CD first and then made into a limited production German pressing as everything he's done in his later years. These pressings have greatly appreciated in value and are a testament to his staying power in the industry. Now, if "Unglued" is some more of your famous (imfamous) humor then I fart in your general direction and trust the prevailing westerly winds will deliver it to you in good time. ;o)

Newmanoc,

Yeah, I sweat bullets every time I buy a used piece of vinyl too. Generally I've been quite happy with my purchases. The seller in this case has done a huge volume of business with great customer satisfaction and a 100% return policy if not satisfied. I'm willing to pay more from a reputable vendor and avoid amatuer grading, especially in this case.

Nate, in spite of having already farted in your general direction due to my extreme sensitivity regarding Neil Young, this was done with the same sense of humor you possess. Sorry, I can't take it back. And, uhmm, I WAS laughing my ass off. It'll arrive about Wednesday afternoon based on calculations from the weather service. Enjoy! Hope to see you in Denver. You and Albert sure keep me smiling when I'm around. Larry called and said he was going too. Of course, Frank Schroder will be there and I'll be looking forward to being around his incredible whit. I think I'll be loading up with enough humor that weekend to last for months.

Audiofrankj and Jadem6, it's always nice hearing you guys chime in. I know you are thinking about me and I think about you two also. Hope the house is nearing completion Audiofrankj and your system downsizing is working to your satisfaction JD. Drop me a line guys and let me know.

We already booked our room for RMAF and we'll be booking our flights tonight. A local friend, recently an audio convert, is coming with us. I look forward to again seeing the guys I've met face to face and hopefully will get a chance to put some more faces together with usernames. My old friends will get a chance to meet Barb. How about a head count of attendees?

Alex,

It sounds like you're not going to RMAF. Bummer. I'd love to meet you. The muffin and ginger jam sounds good, even if smeared liberally. LOL. Tell you what, let's meet in the Marriott restaurant and order up a bunch of muffins and jam. I'll help you smear to your heart's content in more ways than one.

Just got back from chemo and I have the next two weeks off because of RMAF. I don't think it makes much difference at this point. Maybe I'll have a little bounce in my step!

Nate, did you receive my air parcel?

Alex,

Aw shucks, come on, allow yourself to be corrupted a little. I figure that I can bring from this affair those little things that don't represent bourgeois consumerism but great value. I must say though that excellence generally doesn't come cheap and I would love to own a couple of pieces I've auditioned that are top flight money wise but I still consider a bargain. The Schroder Reference tone arm is one example. It's not a bad buy at all if you are young since it's a once in a lifetime purchase. Besides, other than my audio fix my life is pretty simple and extravagance free.

Did I mention how much I've enjoyed the CDP? Also, a local friend is giving me a Triangle DAC to try out and if it's an improvement I can have it. Finding a home for the CDP and tuner has been a challenge since the available real estate for set up never acounted for these additions. I've finally figured out a permanent location for this stuff and only need to order some longish interconnects in safe lengths to pull it all together.

I should have bought some of those other Nina Simone albums in Berkely. I really love her piano and her voice is just about as good as it gets. I'm interested in hearing the work she is better known for.

Joe, I really hope to see you there. I could bail out if I'm feeling really lousy but I don't think that will happen. Deep down inside I just don't want to appear sick for fear of making others uncomfortable. Considering I've always been appearance challenged this won't be hard to pull off. LOL.

Ampster (Jeff) from my college days is coming from Lincoln, Nebraska to hook up with us. Barb and I are also bringing a local friend I built a system for. I've already created a mini-audio monster with him so I figure I might as well push him into the stratosphere range for audio wants. He he. The equipment is secondary to me by a long ways. The friends I've made here mean more to me than I can convey. Each of you in your own way has made this journey so much easier and you've propped me up at times when I really needed it. Hopefully, this will nudge me along to being the man I want to be at this time in my life.

I must give the DAC a try since it's free if it works well. Beyond that, nothing more except softward ocassionally. I did order some Bluejeans interconnects for both it and the tuner. Nothing special. Don't want this digital stuff to compete with my analog. ROTFLMAO.

Thanks Nate!

Friday evening a friend who is on the board of directors for the Boise Philharmonic called and offered tickets for Barb and I to attend a performance last night. Barb adjusted her plans (Her mom and sis are here) so we could go together. What a thrill it was as it was our first time!

The program began with Malcolm Arnold's "English Dances" and moved to Max Bruch's "Violin Concerto No. 1 in G minor, Op. 26" with Janet Sung at violin. Man, can this gal play the fiddle!!! After intermission we listened to Brahams' "Serenade No. 1 in D Major, Op. 11". I personally enjoyed the first half of the concert most, especially the Bruch piece. Forgive me for having an opinion here but I think Brahams would have better served the listener with a shorter composition.

Watching the musicians closely was interesting. I honestly believe they enjoyed playing the Brahams most, being more animated with their resulting body language.

Now that I've dusted off my tweed jacket and English driving hat I can load up my pipe and be hoity toity too. This Nebraska boy found his culture in Idaho. Seriously, I understand the strength of live classical music now much better than before. I have no way to honestly judge the overall preformance since I've never listened to any of the best known orchestras except through recordings. To my ears though Boise is blessed with a conductor, James Ogle, capable of bringing the best out of this fine group of musicians.

Many thanks to Glen for thinking of me. Like the post above from Nrchy recommending solo violin work Glen had likewise been asked about such recordings a few months ago. I guess it seemed the right fit for me to attend this particular concert because of the solo violin work. Certainly, if my situation were different I'd be purchasing tickets to every Boise Philharmonic concert this season. I enjoyed it that much.

On the system front I think I've done about everything I can to maximize its preformance. The dedicated lines have created a blacker background and after lifting the grounds on my amps the circuit/tube noise is almost non-existant. It is as quiet as any solid state system I've ever heard. I'm clearly hearing the weak links in my system now but they are not annoying in the least. I'll probably upgrade the power cords starting with the amps first as I think they (the amps) are the weakest link in the system. Nate has kindly agreed to bring some of his cast offs to RMAF and maybe we can come to terms on them. Then I'll be trying another power cord on my preamp if funds allow. FWIW, and sadly too, for the first time I'm hearing the deficiencies of my LP 12. I won't be changing out my turntable but I think I'll try the Trampolin suspension base. It is somewhat controvertial among Linnies. Reading between the lines I think it might bring some of the speed into playback that seems to be lacking now that I can hear it. Of course, opinions are always welcome. Please don't tell me to buy another table since it's clearly not in the budget even though I wish it were.

On the health front I've been really concerned all last week as to whether I'd be up to attending RMAF. Maybe my body is getting tired of the chemo schedule. I just don't know. Yesterday I felt better than I have for a week and this morning I seem to be feeling better yet. I am very motivated to go so I'll be there come hell or high water.

It's impossible to thank everyone that follows up with me through personal contact. I'd need to keep a log on the incoming phone calls and emails just to get started and I'm not nearly that organized by nature. I'd like to mention again the thoughtfulness of Gary who calls regularly and helps with issues I don't understand or forgot to cover with my oncologist. He also provides me with my most expensive monthly prescription free of charge. We've never met face to face but here he is, a surgeon with an obviously full life of his own taking the time to help me in any way he can. I've said this before but it needs to be burned into the consciousness of everyone that reads this. Lugnut cannot repay these kindnesses. I trust that through this thread there will live a spirit of passing it on. Caring about each other is powerful medicine for the soul.

Doug,

I hesitated to post my criticism of Brahm's since I know so very little about this genre. It's good to know that someone agrees with me.

Well all, RMAF was very enjoyable even though it was much more of a challenge to this diseased and chemically ravaged body than I expected. I returned home completely spend. Having Barb there with me, being in charge without appearing so, proved her value as my life partner. Honestly, without her I would have made a spectacle of myself somewhere. Several times I felt the world slipping away and would have dropped like a ton of bricks if not for her anticipating my need to sit down and rest. At times like that I didn't have enough presence of mind to find my own chair and am I ever glad she was there. My primary goal was to attend this event. My secondary goal of doing so without appearing compromised was pulled off to my satisfaction. At least I think I pulled that one off with her help.

About the only criticism I have of the whole event was the constant use of source material that attempted to showcase something that had little to do with music. There also seemed to be a fear of playing full range music. In fairness to the exhibitors though the majority of rooms must have been difficult to set up properly. Still, many rooms sounded very good indeed. Some of the larger rooms sounded about as good as I could imagine.

Two products that would fall in my price range stood head and shoulders above the rest. The Star Sound Caravelles and Audio Machina Ultimate Monitors were so very, very good. I never thought I would hear a monitor speaker that offered performance like this. It would be difficult to choose between these two if not for the superior appearance of the Caravelles. These speakers and their dedicated stands simply convey the no compromise philosophy of the company. I would have bought a pair on the spot if circumstances weren't what they are in the Lugnut household.

The Caravelles were showcased in two rooms. One of the rooms was very small and used the near field approach with the Star Sound amplifiers and a CDP hooked up direct. The other, larger room used Thor electronics with an analog source. Surprisingly I preferred the sound of the smaller room. Don't get me wrong. Some of my favorite rooms used Thor gear. This may speak volumes about the Star Sound amps though which I don't think are in production.

I saw most of the Audiogon folks I knew and enjoyed group dinners both Friday and Saturday night. One particular joy was finally getting to meet Tom Lyons (Twl) face to face after several years of having a great online friendship. He's absolutely brilliant and it's a shame he no longer participates in these forums. I was hoping to meet Cornfedboy. I was not farsighted enough to write and ask him how we should meet but hoped to find a message on our room phone. Sorry Kelly.

It was difficult saying goodbye to Cello, AlbertPorter, Berlin and Nrchy knowing that I most likely will not be seeing them face to face again in this life. I just can't convey the feelings I had in doing so. It hurts a lot realizing that this situation is bringing them pain and there is nothing I can do to stop it no matter how much I want to. I think I successfully fought back the tears but it was very hard to do.

I heartily recommend you guys plan to attend this event someday. I found all of the industry heavyweights to be very approachable and pleasant. Some of the more secretive things we wonder about in these threads were revealed through casual conversation. And once I was treated to unwarranted arrogance and bs that isn't seen in a product adverstisement. These gems alone were worth the price of admission.

The entire weekend was well planned by the event staff and the volunteers were most helpful. It may have been possible to attend all the interesting seminars, visit all the rooms, take in the live music and check out all the music for sale but I doubt it. The Marriott Tech Center is a great place to stay not to mention a great place to hold this event and fine dining for the duration of the visit was convenient.

I'll keep you guys posted on whatever happens with the doc this week. I expect just about anything to unfold. Speculation doesn't do much good so I'll just get the facts and serve them up later.

I'd like to thank my local friend Ron Ralls for going along with us and for my old time college buddy and music loving partner Jeff McCabe for coming out to see me. It might have been a taxing time on this weary body but worth every effort.

Pat

Nate,

I had tears in my eyes as I stepped into the truck. I know you won't forget my last words to you and I really appreciate that. Thanks also for mentioning Barb. She has been carrying the load in the Lugnut household for some time now and has done it without a hint of frustration. She's pretty incredible.

Hey Michael, no need to feel awkward. We don't want any of that stuff going on here. It must have been a pleasure meeting you but I'm having a little difficulty connecting the dots. Forgive me. LOL. I don't remember anyone I met at RMAF not being a pleasure.

Did anyone even mention Tchaikovsky? ;o

Okay, as I said, here's the facts. Current chemo has failed. Doc wants to do dual chemistry attempt on Friday. If I don't feel better by next Wednesday then we will cease all further treatments. We both agree that any more CT scans are meaningless. Barb and I will be shopping among the Hospice programs next week.

I'd like you all to chuckle with me cause it's better than crying. This nonsense seems like a bad episode of Ground Hog Day. For sure, this doctor is a very caring person and that means a lot to me. I'll be glad if this new treatment makes me feel better but, honestly, if it doesn't then I'll be happy to get this final show on the road.

I'll ask my wife if she will continue to post should I not be able to. If she cannot do it then perhaps one of my friends that calls often to check up on me (hint, hint Nate) will let you all know what's going on.

Great news guys. I just received an email from a long time Audiogon friend informing me that he and his wife are having a baby. Whether a boy or girl my name will be used. It seems appropriate in some way for this to happen now. Sentimental guy that I am the tears are hard to keep at bay. I couldn't be more proud.

Wow, I'm really offended. Lugnut is a name with noble origins! There is controversy between scholars about two ancient cultures claiming this name for their own according to written records discovered decades ago but only deciphered in the mid 1990's. It seems that the tale as recorded around 620 AD by scribes of the Goldearians recounts the defeat of General Lugnut and his forces by barbarian hordes. It seems that Lugnut could hear the barbarians establishing attack forces on several fronts. Lugnut sought retreat to terrain that worked in the favor of his army. King Audiophoole instead ordered Lugnut and his men to fight the barbarians exclaiming that he could not hear the difference. Lugnut and all his men were destroyed. It shouldn't be a surprise that the name Lugnut is derived from Lug-meaning "ears", and nut-meaning to "trust your own". The Toobwegians fighting for control of the Peninsula of Right lost to the Transitorians only to regain control after several decades. Commander Lugnut drove the Transitorians into the Sea of Despair. According to language scholars in this case the origins of the name Lugnut are derived from lug-meaning "opinion" and nut-meaning "is perfect". In either case I'm honored to use this moniker but thrilled to learn a child will be named after my two favorite historical figures.

I just have to get us off post #666. I feel better now that I've done it.

Thanks for the kind words too.

Brian, I have to admit to offering up a chuckle or two every time I remember your story about home delivery of audio products. I enjoyed my time with you too. Here's a toast to the first person that can twist your arm to post this mis-adventure.

Hi guys,

I might be feeling funny today but not in a humorous way. I'm not going to elaborate a great deal on this but I'd like to let you all know I do feel considerably better after Friday's treatment. In many ways I'm glad. Very glad. It looks like I'll get a repreive for some amount of time. The problem is that I'm really getting tired of being a yoyo. I'm emotionally drained and physically spent. Each time I've received new help via chemistry I do not get back the physique I had previously. After four successful and then failed treatment programs I'm but a shell of what I once was. Mentally, as I've said several times in this wonderful thread, I'm getting exhausted preparing for the inevitable only to be given a reprieve and having to deal with it yet again. Dealing with this aspect is growing increasingly difficult and tiresome. I don't want anyone to take this the wrong way but a very large part of me wishes that this current regimine had failed out of the gate. I'll certainly make the most out of this time as I have before. I've also shown weakness previously and this group has helped me gain strength quicker than I would have on my own. I've even had my own words thrown back to me in a gentle way to get back on track. All is fair in this thread my friends. I'm posting this in utter honesty, partly to dispell any bravery or other such undeserved notions you may have about old Lugnut. Keep the faith though. I'll get through this fine, especially with your help. I really want you all to know that I'm human just like you, fall down, get up, and carry one the best I can. The thing is, this is getting really hard. It makes little sense. I can't begin to tell you how horrible I felt Thursday night and how much better I feel right now. Somehow though, I take little comfort in it this time knowing that I'll be going through it all over again like in a bad episode of Ground Hog Day.

I just love the ideas you guys brought up for further historical stories. The Lugnut story I posted came easily for me. Feel free to post your own and I promise to enjoy them. I especially feel a pull with regard to the Vinyliams versus the Digitarians. Great ideas all.

Don't worry about me. I'll be okay. We've made plans for the day to listen with friends at our house. That always gets me pumped up on life. Like I have said before, life is pretty good if you choose to participate. I'll try and say that like a mantra today.

Jeff,

You can count on a contribution from me to help get things rolling. Nate might be right about Audiogon running the accounting end of it if they are willing. (I trust that's what you meant Nate) The future of high end two channel lies with seasoned enthusiasts getting young folks interested.

A little more history about Jeff and Lugnut. We attended the University of Nebraska Vocational Education program together and Jeff has been teaching woodworking in Lincoln for a very long time. His home, which is a vintage gymnasium, has been featured on HGTV. He builds high quality guitars and plays them as well as he constructs them. He's a member of "The Brothers Of Glowage", a group of tube enthusiasts in his area that formed long ago. These guys know this S%@#T! I remember fondly Jeff taking Barb and I water skiing way back when. If it weren't for all the irons Jeff constantly keeps in the fire I'm sure he would have been a world class competitive skier. Amazing talent. Thanks for coming to Denver Jeff. We enjoyed our time with you and are glad you enjoyed the show.

Hey Albert, if at all possible Barb and I would be thrilled to come on down to Dallas and kick it up a notch for your entertainment. Here's the deal. Get all that new stuff installed and sit there 24/7 spinning vinyl til it's all broken in. We'll just have to get creative in how we twist Tom's arm long distance.

I really appreciate the comments about Barb. She is exactly what Albert has described so well. A real angel that I've shared my life with for 32 years.

Hi guys,

Well, the chemo is over. I must admit that I'm relieved to be at this point. This isn't giving up. Please remember that. The doc says I've got somewhere around six to eight weeks on average and until I get to feeling bad enough I'll still be posting as much as I can. I can't begin to tell you guys just how much your support has meant to both of us. Too many kind words have been written about me and not nearly enough about this group that has faced this with old Lugnut. You are a very brave bunch to face what you didn't have to face.

Love,
Pat

Faithful friends,

I just woke up from my best sleep time of the day. It's 10 pm and I laid down about 6 or so to nod off. With the sun setting as early as it does now I don't have a clue about what time of day it is when I awake except if the tv is still on. If there aren't infomercials running I know it's before 2 am. This is just one way I measure my day.

I saw the light was still on in the computer room so I came in here to check my mail and, of course, Audiogon. This is also where I find two of the three phones in the house. Barb will shut the ringer off on one phone and lower the ringer volume of the other two and put them in here. She's trying to protect me as best she can but this is also why I missed Albert's call this evening. I feel I can always nod off into another stupor easily enough but she feels that I need my rest. I can't stop her nor would I ask that of her. The poor woman is at a loss trying to help me in some way.

Nate has first hand experience talking with me with some narcotics in my system today. It's a struggle to speak and follow a conversation sometimes. I can only guess what it's like on the other end of the phone. LOL. Maybe this is payback Nate for springing every joke my way in a normal conversation. Now, it's your turn to follow what the hell I'm saying. Har har.

Bin, I'm with Albert in that you need to post more. Great stories that say a lot. I've received many other stories shared privately through email from other audiophooles too. I think these folks might be a little self conscious if they posted this stuff here for all to see. The prevailing veiw in the ol' USA is that certain things aren't manly. Hogwash. Being what we are in this thread together may be the most manly of things we can do. Having depth to our emotions and expressing them openly as we do here dispells the many urban legends of how simple and shallow men are. Of course I see strength in a broadsword and the arm that weilds it. I also see the depth of that strength in a tear shed, or a gentle, helping hand through softly spoken words of endearment. I'm proud to be part of this particular group of men.

Albert, when this thread begun I knew that if I started to post that I could not stop. That wouldn't be fair. All along I've only wanted you guys to take more away from this experience than it takes from you. I just didn't realize then how big a recipient I would be in turn. You understand the impact this is having on my wife and I can tell it's breaking your heart. This very thing is the hardest of all for me to deal with but I'm getting there. It just is. Nothing more, nothing less. I know you desparately want to do something to help me. You already have. We could talk audio since you've helped me numerous times without knowing it through these forums. We could talk about good times together. Phone calls. Tears. The only thing that matters at this time is what's in your heart and you've allowed me to look right into it. Keep calling.

We visited with the in home Hospice foks today. I have no need to begin this sooner than it's necessary. This nurse commented on how easy she thinks I'll be to work with. I wanted to tell her to give me her albums as a gesture of appreciation. Works for me.

Forgive me in advance for some of the stuff I may post later. I figure you need to know what this is like. At this time eating and drinking just about don't happen. I just don't have the room for anything to be in there. Good for me, I'm not hungry or thirsty beyond what I can consume. For the record, I had three or four crackers this morning and maybe a half glass of water total for the day. Later, it all came back up. Hell, this would be a big deal under more normal circumstances but for some reason the body deals with this during disease. I don't even think I'm dehydrated. Weird. I guess the body consumes itself.

Art, you've nailed it mostly. The things that are important in life are exactly what you list. The courage and grace thing is wrong though.

Gary, several local professionals are meeting to discuss the creation of a paliative care team here. I had encouraged my doctor to be a part of something like this and to my surprise it's already begun. Too late for me but I've got some inside help from afar if I need it.

Later guys.

Smokester,

Very good question. I have a list of near range needs I know she'll have but for the most part I can't imagine this group being able to help. If the roles were reversed I could (and would) request my friends come over occasionally to cook and clean so that I could tend to my wife. In this case she doesn't have the depth of good friends to call on like I do. Besides, she probably wouldn't ask. It's just not her. I'm planning to contact her family and request that they come in shifts to lighten her load. None of them live close but they can do this without any hardship being placed upon them. I'm pretty sure they will rise to the occassion. My sister will probably come but I can't expect that of her. Her husband's company is closing the location where he works on Jan. 1.

For this group I ask you to send her a card individually after I'm gone. I'd hope that you would stand by her if she needed advice about a system problem or the like. She's very good at operation of things but doesn't have a clue otherwise. She could keep these cards and refer to them when she needs the help. Something as simple as packing the turntable in the original boxes is a perfect example should she decide to move. The fact the system has Aktiv crossovers within the power amps is another example if she needed to hook things back up after painting the room. Small things, but overwhelming to her I'm sure.

I don't expect anyone to do this but if you do, please be committed to following through. I know she would be quite sensitive if a year or two down the road it was inconvenient. (Now I feel like I'm a jerk for saying this-you guys are so great) I've had a couple of incidents this year where I was truly counting on some help that was repeatedly and freely offered only to be left high and dry. I'd just like to save her any such emotional turmoil.

I'd be lost running this place if she were gone. Man, in this case I'd be quite happy to find out that I wasn't needed. Can you drop by and sharpen my lawnmower blade a couple times per year and change the oil? LOL. The address is in this thread but feel free to drop me an email and I'll forward it to you. Thanks for asking and if I think of something else I'll post it.

Steve, thanks for your thoughts. I have so many grown men tell me they love me! I know it's true. A great gift that costs nothing to give. My greetings to Joe. If he's an audiophile maybe we'll meet up soon and listen to real music. I expect that to be the case.

Newmanoc, I'm sure I'll share the details. For now, with the help of oxycontin, I don't have any real pain except for the really short, mysterious ones. I have a lot of discomfort that's nagging me almost constantly. I can handle this just fine but I realize I clinch my jaws a lot. It kind of pisses me off more than anything else.

Hey, as far as favors....you guys can stop by anytime and flip these darn records for me so I can just plant my lazy butt in the sweet spot. Har har.

Temptation. Good temptation. Temptation that challenges. That's what's on my plate today. But first, some general news as an update. We'll get to the rest of the story later.

I mentioned earlier that we had visited with a Hospice nurse and made our arrangements but hadn't yet begun the scheduled visits. Late last week I received a follow-up phone call with the basic purpose being to determine if we should start the visits. I told her I felt that since I could, for the most part, care for myself and motivate around the house without assistance that it was too soon but I did have an issue that concerned me. I went into limited detail about my eating and drinking issues, kind of wondering how long my body could tolerate the situation. She wanted to know what it is I eat so I explained that because I eat so very little I just get a small amount of whatever it is Barb is fixing, explaining also that Barb tries to fix things that are easy on me. I'm never tempted by meat or dairy as she doesn't prepare them any longer. This gal got a little annoyed with me saying that I just eat a little of...whatever. Then, she told me I should eat things that are super easy to digest like yogurt, applesauce and over cooked peas. Well, I did alter my diet and the verdict is not out yet on this change but at times I do eat a little more and it seems I want and do drink more than before. Is this good news? I don't know but I'll keep it up.

Saturday (Barb's birthday) wasn't a good day at all for me. Yesterday though I woke up feeling better than usual and was groomed by 10 am. We had a friend and his entire family of wife and three kids stop by unannounced and enjoyed a great visit. This was one of those gifts from God that I'm most thankful for. I've witnessed before in this thread but feel that I shouldn't go overboard in fear that I'd push someone of another faith or one that's on the outer fringes of faith away from it. With that thought in mind I'll keep this short and offer up at this time that I'm just explaining how amazing it is to find my existence filled with gifts that I can only explain are supernatural. Ray is a cop but also an assistant pastor at a local church. I've never attended this church because I don't want my current beliefs questioned, causing me doubt, or make anyone else question their beliefs if I were to express mine. Besides, I've found through the years that organized religion is all too often a business and that the message is used as a control of the customers. There are countless churches out there that don't fit in that box I've put them all in. I know this. When this family sat down I seemed to have my message once again pour out of me and expressed a desire for feedback. It was a very emotional experience for me. At times Ray would speak and intertwine what I was experiencing with gospel narratives reinforcing this is the way it should be. One of his detailed remarks was of a sermon he was working on that tied into exactly what was happening to me. This was uncanny in that of all the things one could sermonize about, this subtle aspect could go a lifetime without even being addressed. Again, this was a great visit that contained yet another message for me.

A fellow that I contracted with to do long term maintenance of our trees and shrubs decided to work in our yard for the day. To make a long story short, the interuptions prevented me from napping. A couple of friends who had scheduled a visit came over and we talked about a lot of stuff, laughed and had a generally good time. It was a good day.

In between the two groups that came over I fielded a phone call from a stereo club member, the guy that provided us with symphony tickets a few weeks ago. He's really laid a challenge before me. The Boise Philharmonic will be playing in our town at a really great venue at the NNU campus which is about five minutes from where we live and we've been offered complimentary tickets once again. I'm so incredibly touched by this and really want to go. I'm sure that I'll need a wheelchair to prevent testing my endurance, but other than that getting cleaned up will be the only real challenge. Here's a brief description of this event. Help me get pumped up guys.

Maurice Ravel's "Mother Goose Suite"
Kevin Puts' "Marimba Concerto" featuring Naoko Tadaka
Dvoraks' Symphony No. 3

I'd never considered the mirimba as a concert intrument but I've always enjoyed xylophone and vibrapone in jazz. It seems it would be an interesting mix. Thoughts?

Alex, Zuma is my favorite Young album because of Cortez The Killer, IMO the best song he's ever done.

Nate, I conveyed your birthday wishes. Others sent such greeting via email.

Craig, maybe I'm just a retro kind of guy.

Albert, you are far from worthless. Each time we speak I feel reinvigorated. We talk of all those things that life's about with the freedom of expression reserved for close friends. I don't need to be politically correct with you or even measure my remarks. That is priceless and worth more than one can measure.

Davt, even I like the photos posted here of Barb and I.

You know, there are numerous reference to me using glowing terms I feel uncomfortable with. Let's turn this around for a moment to get my take on you guys expressed. I have no choice but to be where I am going through what this is. I didn't step into this situation as a goal for accomplishing something. It just is. You guys don't have to be a part of any of this. You come to this thread voluntarily. Many of you have called, mailed, emailed or made arragements for us to meet face to face. You guys keep coming back. And I know that it hurts to ponder the words I write. There is a lot of misery you guys are a part of and I know fully the emotional cost involved as this has unfolded before you. This isn't morbid curiosity either. Tears are shed often for the trials of old Lugnut. You guys keep on keepin' on. You don't have to, but you do. You are the brave ones, the ones that are trying to discharge some of your life forces into my life to help me along the way. In my mind you are trying so very hard to give a part of yourselves, ripping bits and pieces from your souls in sacrifice to mine hoping and trying to keep me afloat. You have succeeded. The time we have spent together in these threads have been some of the most important moments of my entire life. I have absolute confidence that you all will remain faithful. I didn't get that from a simple desire to have it. No, you have just shown me that this is the way you are. Being the overly curious guy that I am I'd really like to know the answers now about things that probably can't be answered, at least in this lifetime. How many people follow this thread and never post to it? Do you guys feel as I do that we are a part of something that is so rare and special it defies conventional wisdom? Whenever you read about someone just checking into Audiogon after a long absence and stumbling across this thread is your reaction like mine, kind of other-worldly? Is there a nagging desire inside of you for this message to continue like I have? Has anyone else connected the dots as I have concerning a supernatural control of what is unfolding before us?

Thanks to you guys for being who you are and for allowing me to be me.

Davt,

Sorry but my memory is pretty poor at the moment. I have the album where he is singing with a bunch of different heavyweights if that's the one you mean. I do like it. I also have an import pressing of his greatest hits. Man, is that a walk down memory lane. He was one of those great artists that made a lasting impact on the music scene. If there is another album you're referring to then I haven't heard it.

I enjoyed our visit. Talking about Linn used for a middle name put a lasting smile on my face. Buying a Linn and naming it Emily is priceless.

J.D., As usual thanks for your words. I can post my address here if you wish. It's already in this thread somewhere. Just to clarify what I'd like Barb to call on is just phone help, walking her through properly boxing stuff or hooking it back up. I'm sure there are Linn guys here and Supratek guys, etc. so she'd get really good help. Maybe she'll need advice on what to do with my ashes after she's got a new boyfriend. Not you J.D.; you've already got a wife. He he. Albert is one fine friend. Address is: 307 W. Sherman Ave. Nampa, Idaho 83686

BTW, Barb knows how to log onto my account and will post updates when I lay down.

Gregm, greetings back at you. I do hope that some good can come of this thread after I'm done with it. It's a terrible thing but I'm getting used to the undeserved compliments. People that have known me my whole life just think my behavior here is a logical extension of who I've always been. Talk too much. LOL. Can't help it, really. Your thoughts are touching, especially the ones regarding your chldren. Maybe yours will listen to what I have to say. Mine don't. There is a photo of Barb and I buried deep in this thread. It was posted by Jphii. Yeah, she's a lot better looking than me. Poor, blind girl got suckered.

Jsonic, I'll have to think the charitable thing over. At first blush I'd like to think there would be several billion dollars offered up so why not start one? Really I'd like you guys to consider what Ampster had to say above. It would be cool if it could be pulled off. Not many have commented on it.

Nate, you need to quit sending me gifts. Save your money and buy that Kinner plug and play record player you've been wanting.

Just a note about weird experiences. So, I'm taking a fair amount of oxycontin so I'm kinda high all the time. Also, I eat and drink so little I'm surprised that I can even sit here and type. I delay taking my morning meds until I've finished writing. I'm no longer the sharpest knife in the drawer. Yesterday was weird. I was seeing things in my peripheral vision and found myself constantly turning my head to see what was going on. It kind of scared me. So, I ate more food than normal and kept it down too. Maybe I can be scared into getting better. LOL. It was unsettling.

Craig,

I'm sure glad to read of your return to posting in this thread. I have missed your seasoned tube knowledge during the time I was making my move into a Supratek, after trying a few others. But, what I really missed most is your clever wit. Every time I read that you remain Clueless made me get a smile on my face. J.D. said it pretty well. Please stick around.

Aggielaw,

I've run the eating and drinking problems past my doctor as well as a nutritionist/dietician at the tumor institute that continues to care for me. I'm pretty well convinced that something could be done to help some but not by way of diet. The correct type of steroid may be of some help. My abdominal environment lacks free space. The last CT scan showed a blanket of mass attached to my abdominal lining. It appeared to me to be everywhere and spooky thick. I would be curious to see another CT scan but figure it would just confirm what I've experienced before. My stomach has been the same way, very thick top to bottom. When I say thick I'd judge that we're honestly looking at tumors around 1 1/2" thick. Certainly by now other places that showed small tumors previously will have grown. The stomach and intestines move around quite a bit moving things through it. The tumors aren't muscle and don't want to move. They squeeze the rest of the undiseased parts when they want to move and all this friction causes a build up of fluid inside the abdominal cavity adding to the lack of space. Steroids would reduce the inflamation and maybe allow the body to absorb some of the fluids and free up some space. Honestly, I look at this as a mechanical thing. The question really boils down to: is this something Lugnut wants to fix? I'd like to think I'm wrong on my perception about helping these types of things. It's hard to write about. Not because it hurts me emotionally but because it takes a concentration on my part (that's hard to do these days) to explain fully what I've come to believe. I'll try here because I think it's important to the audience if at some point they find themselves in a similar position.

Most countries probably wouldn't have elected to preform the surgery last January that was done to me. (Sorry if this reads a little choppy but it wil be worth your effort to try and get through it) At that time I was approaching a total system blockage. Left untreated I would have died in fairly short order by lack of nutrition and hydration. I was vomiting more than you can possibly imagine, nearly a full time thing. Many illnesses that are easily treated world wide, but due to poverty aren't, kill the young and elderly in this fashion. In the scope of total misery experienced this would be a much more friendly way to have gone than what awaits me now. I wasn't in much pain back then and would have just gone unconscious at some point and faded away. I've extended my life by the procedures that have been used and I've tried to take advantage of every extra moment. It has been worth it but now it's time to pay up on my end with a different way of death. I have this deep belief that anything I do now to aleviate symptoms will only add to the total misery of the trip. If I do something to eat and drink a little better, the cancer isn't going to halt its prgress. If I do well enough then I'll certainly have a blockage of the bile duct which is major crisis time. Bile backs up into the liver and causes uncontrolable pain while the liver is destroyed. This takes about two weeks. The small tumors in my lungs will just get much bigger and put pressure on nerves that are beyond sensitive and I would stuggle for breath. If I slip into unconsciousness due to lack of nutrition or water before these things occur then I kind of think it would be kinder to me to just let it go.

I'm a pretty strong guy in a number of ways. I've always healed quickly and have a high tolerance for pain. I also have been able to put issues I write about here out of the normal plane of existance. It's kind of like a properly set up vinyl system and surface noise. You're not aware of it because it seems to be out of the room. The thing that has come through loud and clear is that deep inside a process is happening that is out of your control. I've mentioned before how things fall off my radar. I'm not as interested in a lot of stuff today that held a lot of interest for me just a couple of weeks ago. There are a lot of things that I could miss now that we take for granted on a daily basis. For the most part I no longer miss them at all. Something that resembles normal eating, drinking, taking a comfortable bowel movement, vitality and endurance have been taken by the disease. Other things, most notably sex, have been taken away by drugs. I can still remember enjoying all the benefits of good health but I just don't miss them enough to really care.

I could easily allow myself to fall into a rountine of laying in bed and having Hospice and Barb take care of me. A large part of me wants to do exactly that. I'm doing this mental heavyweight fight of continuing on with a select few things as opposed to giving up. At some point the disease will win and my body and will to live will have been beaten. That is the nature of a prolonged death. I witnessed it with my father when he too died of cancer. It is normal.

I'll give you my short list of things I want so desparately to continue until I take my last breath. Closeness to Barb. Communicating with this group through this thread. Closeness to select friends. Enjoying my music. The list has subtle aspects to it that I'm not going to elaborate on like my little gene pool. I've left them out but they are in there. Other things too.

Here's a great example. Two friends recently brought over a total of three music DVD's for me to watch. Eric Clapton's Crossroads guitar festival, Bob Dylan Unplugged and Neil Young's Praire Wind. Normally I would have watched these several times by now as these, IMO, are some of the best, at least for my taste. Sadly, I have zero interest. That's because I have only so much interest to spread around. Barb is off work today and we'll put them in but my attention will be at the background noise level. That's all I can give.

I chuckle at my attitude about all of this. Should I even think for a nanosecond that I can direct where my attention is going to go when It's obvious the process is in control and not me. It's like Star Trek and the Borg. Deep down I think that resistance IS futile. I hope what I've written is somewhat understandable because this is one valuable thing you guys can take away from this and make your lives better. This is not giving up. It is what (and I stole this term from someone I'm grateful to. Thanks, Paul) I call gentle acceptance. This particular post is important enough that I'd like to think you guys will save it to a word document for future reference.

Last night a local friend came by for me to listen to some CD's of his. He came at seven and left around 9. Just prior to his arrival another friend just showed up unannounced. I have no problem with that but it screwed up my schedule and I didn't get to eat a bite (literally) before my CD bearing friend arrived. Barb gave me some food right after he got here and during the visit he ran the CDP and I just remained seated. I felt pretty good. When he was leaving I asked if he would give me some advice on some classical CD's I have so I'd enjoy the better ones and save the lesser ones for a later audition. I don't have all that many CD's, maybe a total of 30 and I keep them leaned up against the wall next to the CDP. I bent over to scoop them up and instantly realized I'd done something my body didn't want me to do. We quickly went through them and I told Barb she'd just have to put them back for me, that picking them up was a mistake. Suddenly my stomach had a sharp pain and my mouth watered just a little. I had to excuse myself to go vomit. Consider that this was a total intake of maybe three normal bites of halibut and ten small french fries. I can't just puke and be done with it. No, it must last a very long eye buldging time trying to get up more of what's not there. It's a space thing triggered by the act of bending and putting extra pressure on that confined area.

This is an accurate picture of what this is like but don't take the mental image too far. I plan on hanging up an embroidered banner my sister made for me that quotes Rust Never Sleeps...It's better to burn out than to fade away. It's a cool banner especially since she put my 1/16 note arm tattoo, mirror imaged, on each end of the quote. I won't be hanging them myself but allow Barb or someone else to. Doing this kind of thing would make me puke even if I don't eat. I will get myself cleaned up today as I have some vistors coming again. I always feel much better when I interact and still enjoy music, especially recent vinyl. Each day still gives me pleasure and I honestly try to take advantage of it. I must admit though that it takes a lot of effort on my part to prepare for those pleasures. Man, it's like packing for a trip. All my ducks need to be in a row. I don't want to look worse than I feel so I need to somewhat stay on top of my appearance. That stress is self-induced since nobody really cares one whit except me. Man, if I let myself go I'd really be spooky around Holloween. LOL. I'd do this for no other reason than Barb. She always looks so nice for me.

I've rambled on enough. I may post some thoughts I have on our passion of audio but fear that what I have to say may not be taken properly. Being vague and evasive with a comment like that may bring you readers back.

Each of the posts that get the pleasure to read mean a great deal to me. I enjoy the company here and find each morning that I check in to be one of the high points of the day. Have a good one!

Since my post of 10-19 my head has been reeling from the respones. Springbok, your post brought me to the point of sobbing uncontrollably several times. Honestly, it must have taken me an hour to read through it. To think that another human being thinks enough of me to post such thoughts moved me to a place I've never been before, even though (AGAIN) such praise is undeserved from my perspective. Mysteriously, I think I needed that crying session but don't ask me to explain. It's a very good feeling to know I'm thought of so highly. So, I guess I really did deserve to be drafted into the Springbok team?

Wdi, I am a believer and have expressed it here numerous times. This thread is connected to a supernatural power in such an obvious way that it's given me hope that everyone who reads this is moved closer to their own sprituality. Funny. Nobody has been critical of my witnessing here. Isn't that kind of supernatural in itself? Again, the message contained herein is a gift to everyone. It's not about me, music or you guys even though we are the active participants. We are being shown how to treat one another the way God intended. We are being provided with insights into an area where we cannot go and come back. Sugar Mountain has taken on a larger meaning with your mention of it and Neil's latest album, Praire Wind, and the song If God Made Me. I feel that song was written for my personal needs.

Jsonic, You have picked up on what has been nagging at me for some time and that is the need for this message to survive for as long as possible and shared with however many are drawn to it. (And no, I'm not at all bothered by being placed in the past tense. I've already gone through that shock in doing so myself awhile back. Yeah, I reacted strongly to it at that time but not anymore.) I don't know how best to do it. Many months ago I said that a book should be written and said that anyone is free to tell this story in any form. The fact that I'm a username is good. I'm pretty sure that the power that has influenced all of us will not die when I do and that someone will be moved to share it. Of that I'm confident and leave that in the hands of He that is directing this.

Steve, I'm pretty sure that I posted my own story about my father being in the process of dying and how I carried him to get an IV at a nearby medical facility. He was given another month of life by my action but paid dearly for it. I too have felt a lot of personal guilt for doing it but after witnessing how that extra time was put to such good use I've realized that Dad wouldn't have had it any other way. His last unresolved issue was brought before him and laid to rest. Be at peace because it is what it is.

Ted, you and I cried together at RMAF in your showroom. LOL. I wonder what all the other folks thought! Just kidding because you and I know that this was our time to be what God wants us to be with each other. I'm glad I got the chance to meet you and experience the size of your heart.

Ccryder, your last sentence says it all.

Okay Clueless, here goes. Gentlemen light your torches! I'll try to explain my ideal approach to what we enthusiasts are attempting to accomplish. I do need to qualify who it pertains to though. It doesn't include gear heads for the sake of being gear heads. You know, the folks that have had more pieces of gear than pieces of music.

I was so lucky to have grown up when I did, coming of musical age in the sixties. Luckier still to have an older sister and brother that shared their music with me before I developed my own path to travel on. Even my parents were influential playing their music from my very beginning. Mainly, my siblings and my parents were doing this for their own enjoyment and I just was tolerated. Still, I appreciate the experience.

A lot of you can probably relate to my connection of music and events through my life. The music has its own impact on me but is also profound in how it brings up the emotions when I first heard it. I love that way of measuring my life rather than counting the days. I'm really thankful that I wasn't concerned at all about the audiophile attributes of those recordings. If I'd been burdened with that stuff I would never have gained any real love for what was being created.

I've spent a lot of seat time listening to live music. At lot of it has been amplified. But I've listened to live unamplified music in many different environments. Symphony, small intimate theatre, outside, club, motel room and in my home. I'm an okay acoustic player and know exactly what my guitars sound like in total solitude. I know what it's like to listen to my voice recorded or that weird place of singing to oneself listening from inside and out at the same time.

I love detail, resolution, texture and tonal balance as much as anyone. Finding a black background where all of this springs forth from is the path toward inner and outer detail as well as hearing the leading edge of notes and their proper decay. Having these attributes in our systems is what it's all about but I fear few realize the danger of taking it too far and if taken far enough all of that great music we love from our earlier days becomes unplayable or at the very least uninteresting. I think it's time we admit this line exists or we risk losing that precious childish nature we have for the pure joy of the song.

I've known this for a very long time but rarely voice this opinion to other enthusiasts for fear of offending. Maybe it's more a function that I don't want to be rejected. Whatever. Technological advances have taken us beyond any reasonable definition of enough in this regard. It seems to be the holy grail but comes at the expense of musicality and IMO destroys what it is we are trying to do.

I've listened to systems that just blow my own system away if measured by the standards listed above. Funny thing is, when those systems are playing I enjoy them more when a crowd is there and there is talking. Background noise. Interference. Traffic. It's all part of the mix too. Too much of the details just makes me ooh and aah the tiny things so that I'm constantly critically evaluating. No joy for me there at all. I'm not being picked up and carried away.

For sure, there is a need I have for ear candy from time to time. In my own system I most enjoy the best recordings I have being played while in the company of others with light banter going on. Even the furnace or AC coming on is okay with me. That's much closer to real for me when compared to the live experience.

By far my favorite time alone with my system is listening closely to those older, less respected records that move me. The deficiencies of the record are enough and I don't need the crowd to be with me to lessen all of those sonic nuances. I get picked up and carried away and only set back down again when the stylus is in the run out grooves.

Some of us are way too impatient. We change gear at a pace that is accelerated and I see where the acquisition of software is similar in a search for the same goals. IMO, it becomes more artificial when taken this far as compared to how artificial it was listening to my cars am radio when I first learned to drive.

Craig, what I'm getting at is we need to take live experiences to the plate but we shouldn't be guilty of removing the other aspects of what live really is. It includes other spectators breathing, coughing and talking, the rustle in the seats, air systems, etc. I've yet to hear the resolution at a live event that I hear in many systems except on very rare occasion of usually a single instrument. Even my humble system can be too revealing at times.

Man, I hope I haven't pissed anyone off. In all fairness the one thing that is missing now that I valued so much way back is radio. If we had great radio then maybe we would be buying more music that picks us up and carries us away now. Software is where it's at.

Colitas,

Wow! I grew up in Gretna, went to school in Lincoln and worked in Omaha before moving here in '87. My sister still lives there. I don't miss the weather or the taxes. I really hated to leave my friends but either they come here or I've gone back often enough on vacations to ease the loss. I'm certain I won't be going back but if you are in this area (Boise) I'd love to have you over. Since you are vinyl based yourself I'd let you be in charge of operation.

One of the members here, Lou is making a book for us out of the thread. I've asked him to offer it at some price for you guys. No, this has never been his intent, he was just being incredibly nice to Barb and my gene pool. It would be nice for the message to live on as I've said many times. Anyone out there has my permission to use anything that I've posted. My point is only that this is a supernatural event and the message of love is so evident here beyond anything that could spring forth from this world that it should be shared. It's not about me, audio or much of anything other than we all connected in the manner we were meant to. Whatever floats the collective boat is okay with Lugnut.

Michael,

I think that is a wonderful idea. Go for it!

LOL. Methinks Doug was smart enough to not post to a thread I wasted my time on. Hey, I might be long in the tooth, kind of drugged up and sick but I'm learning, I think. For sure, there are better things to do than respond to uuhm, aahh, those kinds of posters.

And, Warren I don't blame you for lurking around in the background after the merciless beatings you took for choosing Star Sound products. Their stuff isn't cheap but it represents a huge value in the long run and stops the revolving door of equipment in ones life. Yeah, their stuff is that good, especially those speakers!

So, Clueless, you've discovered the answer to one of life's great mysteries. Realization that the more you know, the more you realize you don't know. Ahh, enlightenment.

Thanks Lou.

Sorry I haven't written more earlier this week but I've been sick. I've got a written excuse. Boa2 (Howard) is arriving early this morning to visit for a couple of days. Remember, Howard showed Barb and I such a great time in San Francisco. Man, I wish I could show him a good time here. I'm sure he knows exactly what this is going to be like. I'm also sure that the visit will pick me up. I'm thankful he's coming and hope to influence him to pick up on an analog front end. His system just screams for one. I scored a third seat to the symphony on Friday evening too, thanks to Glen, one of my audio club members. If we can pull it off then Howard's trip may have something to remember other than me being sick. Barb has the day off so we'll probably do some listening that's longer than usual.

Please say a prayer or cross your fingers in hope that this will be an enjoyable visit. Have a good one and post away. I won't be posting much but love reading what you guys have to say.

Howard's a great guest. Told him to make himself at home and he is. Old Lugnut has been so casual all his life that he'd expect a visiting nun to put her feet up on the coffee table and go dig around in the refrigerator for some munchies. Hey, and he even tolerated listening to the transistors that, unfortunately, are still in my system. The turntable is safe since he'd have to pry it out of Barb's hands and she has two while Howard has only one. Besides, he most likely aspires to a more audiophile appoved device. The LP12 is noisy, lots of pops and clicks, no imaging and a lack of detail that rivals my early 60's VW Bug am radio. Every time you walk across the concrete floor to flip a record you have to readjust the suspension. Funny though that he wasn't begging to listen to the CDP. He is polite.

Life is interesting. Some of you guys have noticed how I look at my condition in a somewhat detatched way. I find the process interesting but I'm getting to the point where "detached" may no longer be possible. There aren't any breaks from it anymore unless you count time I'm actually asleep. I'm acutely aware of what's going on every waking moment. The pain is controlable. Most of the discomfort is not. The discomfort is pretty constant and I don't think any of it can be outsmarted. I really want you guys to realize that how you look, act and speak can and will be used against you when you communicate with a health care professional. In many ways if one were to wallow in self pity and overstate their misery level you would get better care. Here's a great example. My Hospice nurse visited on Tuesday or Wednesday. Can't remember. She had a lot of questions and during the course of our conversation I mentioned that part of my problem must be fluid build up in the abdominal cavity. She looked at me and dismissed it out of hand because of the appearance of my stomach area. She then told me of another person, a woman, that she cares for suffering from the same malignancy. Apparently this woman truly looks pregnant. This kind of set me off. Not that I got utterly rude but I was close to firing her right then. I was wearing some jeans at the time this conversation too place and I explained to her that a few weeks ago I could button my jeans and have 4" or so of clearance. Hell, I could just grab them and pull them down to my ankles without unbuttoning them. Now, after no food and losing around another 12 pounds I was about 4" shy of being able to button them. Still, I look pretty trim if only I could stand up straight. Well, yesterday shortly after Howard arrived I got a phone call from the closest hospital telling me to come in asap for an ultrasound. Bottom line is they inserted a tube, hooked up a couple of vacuum bottles and removed 1 1/2 liters of fluid. This relatively simple proceedure has offered me a lot of relief. It should have been done sooner and should be done again when needed. Man, it's frustrating thinking that having a good attitude and being pleasant works against you.

I've also requested trying some other types of pain medication just because. Without eating or drinking the meds I now take are pretty hard on whatever stomach I have. If I throw up because I'm taking pain meds then we need to change them anyway. Might as well find out now what will and will not work. There are a lot of options and I don't think any one is better at managing pain than another. It's just a matter of which fits your condition better.

There's a possibility that the fluid removal may allow me to eat and drink a little better. I'll find that out today. I sure hope I can. This is no exaggeration. If I can't eat a little better I'm going to stand up one day soon and go down like a ton of bricks. I feel near to doing so several times a day as it is. That would be the point where I'd need someone with me all of the time. I get a little bit of comfort being able to motivate on my own and want to postpone needing full time assistance as long as I can.

I can pretty much promise that I'll attend the concert tonight. I'm looking forward to it and would be very happy if the three of us did this together. Howard's such a sweet guy that I think he'd remember it for the rest of his life.

Albert called last night. Like so many people that care about me he is really frustated that something can't be done. Honestly I think the guy would trade all his gear for a Wave radio and my returned health if he could. Albert, and anyone else that feels so terribly helpless, remember that just talking to you makes me feel so much better even if it's for a short while. (Note to Nate: you need to postpone your next upgrade and buy a phone that sounds close to tolerable) LOL.

Sorry if reading this stuff is depressing. It's about all my life consists of so I don't have much else to report. I am okay in spite of how I sound and I'm not depressed.

Those Star Sound/Systrum racks are as good as you've read Nate. From what I've heard with my own ears they are the end of the road.

Doug,

Your story about Paul really makes me angry and sad. I'm angry that there is so much unnecessary suffering because the health care industry doesn't (at times) listen. I'm sad for the suffering. I'm angry and sad that this is added to by the not subtle gay bashing you experienced. Approve or disapprove of your lifestyle is irrelevent because it is not our place to judge. Paul is just too wonderful a person to go through this crap.

Still, I'm amazed by the capacity of many in the health care field to give of their inner selves. I've been lucky. The guy that gave us the tickets is an almost retired emergency room doctor. He's come to my home several times and cried with me. As if he doesn't experience enough of this at work. Gary, from Canada calls regularly, researches my needs and sends me medicines free of charge. My oncologist cares deeply about me and has cried about my situation many times. There are wonderful people helping me and I'm so lucky.

Nice review Howard. Man, I bet you were up all night doing that one handed. Sorry I had to ask but I didn't go. Speaking of which...

The last 48 hours have been a nosedive. In a general sense my complaints are the same but I am changing. Those things I experience like eating, drinking, sleeping and vomiting are all much different now. I am so very tired. I'm sleeping much more than before and don't want to get up unless I must. I think I'm close to turning the corner guys. It's difficult to compose my thoughts and harder yet to type them to you. I very much enjoy reading what you guys have to say so please continue to write. Just don't expect me to write anything.

A package arrived last night while the others were at the concert. It's a morphine pump and I don't know what else. I had received a call yesterday that Hospice may stop by today to hook me up and I suspect they'll come even though I said it's no big deal and they could do it during the day next week. A catheter is in the near future too. I'm looking forwad to both of these things. Isn't that weird? My position is it's okay as long as it makes things easier for me and those that care for me.

Barb is no longer going to work, beginning today, which I cherish the thought of. I just love being near her. While she has agreed to post for me I wonder just how capable she is of doing it. She's a wonderful writer but is kind of insecure about it so it takes her far too long. I just sit and blurt it out. If she doesn't do a good job I know that Nate or Howard or someone else will fill in the blanks for you.

What I'm trying to say is that I fear I'm not coherant. I don't have confidence that I am. I'm just about too tired to even try. I feel I'm in a free fall now. Please don't expect anything and forgive me if I try and then stumble. I know that I can't keep up with returning emails any longer and will not post to other threads and just concentrate on this one. Who knows? Maybe I'll have a small improvement but I think we all agree that is highly unlikely. I'm just trying to explain that the time to continue doing what I am at this moment is growing very short. Please offer up a prayer for me to pass on sooner rather than later. Rejoice whenever you learn I'm gone. I'm axious for this to be over. I only hope you understand. Remember to keep the messages contained in this thread alive and well inside your hearts.

I love you all. Your help has been immeasureable. Keep writing. If I can't get in here to read then the posts will be read to me.

Hi everyone - This is Barb (or Mrs. Lugnut). Starting today I have become Pat's full-time caregiver and he has informed me that part of my job will be posting to this wonderful ongoing thread. I will try my best but I will get him to the computer as much as possible via the wheelchair. It is good theory for him.

Pat has asked me to ask all of you to help us with a little task. Some dear friends want us to accept the gift of an 8 week old female puppy - a miniature Australian Shepherd. She is a beautiful brown color, white paws and chest, with milk chocolate in between. She is petite and very mellow temperament. We want to give her the perfect name so we would appreciate your suggestions. Howard got to meet her while he was visiting us and he would agree that she would be a perfect companion for me. No doubt having a puppy around would be a good way to redirect my affections during my grieving. Thanks for your help and continued support.
Barb

Howard,

You didn't give me credit for the nine tubes I do have in my system!! Fess up. They were there. Don't mislead this nice group! The next step would have been a Berning ZH270 and a pair of Merlins.....

Thanks for all the kind thoughts and for the warm welcome to Barb. Gotta go.

Pat

Hello everyone - this is Barb. Pat and I just finished with the shower, shave and shampoo (or sink bath) routine. It has always been important to him to look his best. Of course he's the most handsome man in the world to me. He is now visiting with a local audio club friend which is very comforting to him.
He has been very miserable the last 48 hours. The pain is unbearable and it's been hard to get comfortable enough to sleep very long. The hospice nurse will be here soon to increase the morphine dosage. I have been giving him massages and plenty of kisses on the forehead.
Thank you so much for all the wonderful suggestions for a name for our puppy. She stays with us only a few hours per day because I am not ready to care for her full time yet.
It is hard for me to express in words just how much all of your support and love has meant to Pat and I. His love will always be present in our home and sitting with me in the sweet spot. Until later. Love - Barb

Hi everyone - Yesterday was a very restful day. Our daughter and I had some nice quiet time with Pat. But by evening the stomach tube was not draining and causing more discomfort. So we are leaving for the hospital soon to have x-rays taken. We have other family members that will be arriving soon. So until later - keep looking up. Barb

Hi again everyone - Just a quick note about Pat. These last few days have been very challenging. The pain medication was changed last night which has helped with the side effects but he needs higher doses to help with the pain. We visited with a chaplan and social worker this morning. The nurse is on her way now and a hospital bed is arriving this afternoon. It won't be long now that Pat will lay down for the last time. And no doubt he just smoked this last cigarette but the kisses on the forehead are continuous.
Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts today. God blesses us all. Until next time audiogon friends. Love - Barb

Please look up and say thanks. Pat is now resting comfortably and sleeping more than hour at a time. His stomach is being drained through a tube in his nose but he is still determined to stand up to take a leak. We will cherish this day and enjoy our many friends that stop by.
Until next time. Barb

Hi everyone - It is a rainy evening here and this day is about over. The nurse just left and the house is silent.
Pat is finally resting now after a couple of shots in the butt. He leaves his glasses on his nose though in case he decides to open his eyes and look at the TV (don't tell him but I turned it off!) I am warming up the tubes because tonight the music will play instead.

The x-rays showed that the gastric tube is fine. I believe that there is not much fluid left to drain. So until tomorrow - keep looking up. Reporting from Pat's computer.
Barb

Good Sunday morning everyone - Pat and I are enjoying pepsi and root beer slushies while we sit quietly together. Today he has stated that he will not be able to talk to visitors. He no longer has the energy for the one thing that he loves so much. The last two days he has been saying "so long" to everyone that he can. Yesterday he received the gift of a smoothing massage. He rested a little better last night - more laying down and less sitting up. Our daughter is now leaving for the airport to pick up family members. Please remember to look up and say thank you. Reporting from Pat's computer. Barb

The love of mankind is all around us now. The hug from the flower delivery gal, dinner delivered by the neighbors, cards of blessings in the mail, phone calls with prayers, and of course this ongoing thread of friendship!

Pat is very weak, his eyelids are heavy, his breathing is deep, but he never forgets to thank me with that gentle grin. He enjoys our conversation with laughter around him and still states his opinion with only one or two soft words. He is still attending to every little detail around him and he expects his nurse to tell him a joke at each visit. Now we are surrounded by the love of God. Keep looking up. Barb

John 14:2-3

Hi again everyone - This morning Pat was hooked up to an oxygen tank to ease his breathing struggles. (So that makes tube #3 now.) This afternoon we took him back to the hospital to have more fluid removed from his abdomen. He is so sweet - he apologizes everytime he thinks he gets alittle cranky at us. We were up with him all night last night so I hope tonight will be better. Until next time. Reporting from Pat's computer. Barb